In this interview with CBS News, Moore resident Barbara Garcia explains how the storm mercilessly destroyed her home, leaving her trapped under a pile of rubble.

She tells the interviewer that she never lost consciousness, but was separated from her pet dog.

“I hollered for my little dog and he didn’t come, so I know he’s in there,” Ms. Garcia says.

Then, in a moment that couldn’t have been written better, a miracle happens.

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Within minutes of interviewing a couple, Gottman is able to predict to an astounding 93% accuracy whether the relationship will last.

He does it by dissecting though video, heart rate monitors, pulse amplitude and skin conductivity the emotional impact of the way couples communicate.

He is on the lookout for what he calls the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” – Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling.

Every relationship displays these traits at some point, but when they are habitual they become sure signs that it is in trouble.

Because they each in their own way destroy intimacy.

Intimacy is the lifeblood of love. From the idea of ‘making known’, it is the way that we share confidences, vulnerabilities, secrets, fears … bodily fluids – and, ultimately, our lives.

If we criticise our partner and worse, show them the sharp teeth of contempt, or, if we close communication down with defensiveness and stonewalling, we cauterise the veins through which our lifeblood runs.

Love is made up of dialogue and transparency, vulnerability and reciprocity. It is more fragile than it sometimes seems.

Either shutting down, or the opposite, completely opening up will eat away at the very thing that nourishes us.

Don’t let the Horsemen run wild.

Be separate, together
Be close but not too close. Walk together but apart. Be interdependent but independent.

Make it up
Arguments are inevitable – resentment isn’t. Make sure you make up clearly and sincerely. Anything swept under the carpet will trip you up later.

5 things
It takes 5 positive comments to atone for one piece of criticism. Make your apologies count.

Next week: J is for Journey

MORE LETTERS OF LOVE

H is for Housework

G is for Gratitude

F is for Forgiveness

E is for Emotion

D is for Drama

C is for Commitment

B is for Beauty

A is for Attraction

Led by Melbourne landscape gardener Phillip Johnson, the team won gold in the gardening Olympics for their design that featured a waterfall, a gorge, and a billabong.

An ecstatic Johnson told Radio National’s Fran Kelly this morning that he had achieved a lifetime goal with the win, and that he designed the garden to “inspire humanity to connect back with nature, that’s my biggest message.”

“If you’ve been to Litchfield National Park, the Kimberly, Kakadu, Squeaky Beach at Wilson’s Promontory… I wanted to showcase the magnificent nature of this country to the world.”

Johnson recounted his meeting with the Queen, who broke with protocol to climb the steps to see the garden for herself – because of her age her minders did not want to see it.

“She went straight up and they tried to tackle her and she turned around and said ‘No, I want to see this garden properly!’ So she got up and looked at this beautiful billabong and it really was the most amazing moment in my life, second to winning best in show.

“Actually first of all is the birth of my first child.”

Here’s what the Queen saw.

The NSW Premier is under enormous political pressure from his Federal party colleagues for straying from the election year script.

O’Farrell has refused to budge.

NSW Premier Barry O’Farrell: “The existing education system is unfair.” Photo via The Australian.

On the weekend, he revealed that Tony Abbott had met him during his Cabinet deliberations to urge his fellow Liberal against a deal with Julia Gillard.

“(Abbott) made clear his view that the system wasn’t broken, that the agreement shouldn’t be entered into, but I made clear . . . what the cabinet would do in New South Wales.”

He was roundly condemned by the Federal Opposition education shadow Christopher Pyne, who said O’Farrell had been “conned”. A conservative columnist accused the Premier of not being a “real Liberal”. The message appeared to be that the guy was a naive dope.

But again yesterday, the defiant Premier restated his case.

“I believe that whoever is in government after September will recognise that the existing federal system is unfair. The existing federal system does promote inequity. Whoever is in government after September is going to have to make changes to federal funding arrangements.”

O’Farrell is no dope. He is a savvy political operator, a former Liberal Party state director, who successfully negotiated the personality-based factions that were strangling the Liberals in Opposition.

In government, he has made education one of his key priorities.

Like David Gonski’s (below) group (which includes Liberal business woman Kathryn Greiner), O’Farrell has concluded what parents have known for years.

The education system is broken.

By signing up, NSW will receive $5 billion in what O’Farrell called a “once-in-a-generation opportunity for New South Wales schools”, along with a raft of reforms which reinforce what NSW Education Minister Adrian Piccoli has already begun.

NSW has already given principals more power to make local decisions based on their community needs, including staffing decisions.

By 2015, NSW will mandate the standard of entry for university degrees to a tertiary admission rank equivalent of 70 by 2015. Some teaching courses currently allow scores as low as 47.

The Gonski changes reflect the NSW reforms through the National School Improvement Plan. Any state or territory which pockets the funding signs up to higher teacher entry standards, annual performance assessments, increased teacher training, personalized learning plans and early literacy intervention. (Numeracy intervention should also be on the list.)

Therefore it is not surprising O’Farrell would agree to the same principles of reform with the added bonus of extra money. And don’t forget NSW has to commit extra funding as part of the agreement.

In the meantime, Pyne has circulated a letter to all states and territories outlining the Coalition’s deal for education, which is to retain the current level of funding. He suggested O’Farrell would lose $454.9 million in Federal funding if he signed up to Gillard’s deal.

Four months out from the election, education is shaping up to be a good old fashioned stoush.

I put my money on O’Farrell because he recognises what most parents deal with every day.

The system may not be broken in Abbott’s electorate of Warringah, but take a trip to a school outside middle class areas of Sydney’s north or Pyne’s Adelaide suburbs and you will see a very different picture.

Unlike a city school where schools serve a singular suburban demographic, in a bush school there are many demographics.

Kids with every opportunity line up next to kids with no lunch.

From the first day of kindy, the gap grows between the kids who struggle with little support and those whose futures are generally assured by their parents’ cocoon of education and wealth.

Basic class control is the most visible issue.

I have seen classrooms trashed regularly by angry, struggling kids, dealing with learning difficulties, intergenerational unemployment, jailed parents and abuse. Their classmates simply tidy up and accept another day of learning disrupted.

I have seen good teachers thwarted and discouraged by poor pay and staff politics. I have seen mediocre teachers rewarded. I have seen teachers chase the holy grail of departmental permanency, only to immediately take two years off, leaving their classes to suffer rolling casual appointments handing out dreaded photocopied worksheets.

I have watched as education departments impose ineffective “dead wood” staff on new schools – moving the problem rather than removing them from the system.

And I have seen young, bright teachers with great potential thrown into the most difficult situations with little support. The ultimate set up for failure.

No party’s hands are clean on the issue.

I have watched a $2 million hall built next to the older, adequate one, knowing that a $40,000 teachers aide in each classroom would have meant a vastly different learning result for all kids.

As a result, I have seen kids lose their natural curiosity for learning. They give up. If they are financially able, their parents, sick of an unresponsive system, vote with their feet.
O’Farrell and his education minister Piccoli know these issues.

In his usual calm measured way, O’Farrell has asked for the agreement to be legislated by July 1 and he has ensured no other state will be a better deal.

If only the other premiers were so astute.

MORE ARTICLES BY GABRIELLE CHAN

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*Gabrielle Chan is The Hoopla’s political correspondent. She is a journalist and author with more than 25 years experience, having worked most recently as a regular columnist with The Australian. She has previously worked for The Daily Telegraph, the ABC and the South China Morning Post. Gabrielle has written and edited Flickers of History, War On Our Doorstep and FEAST and is a member of the NSW Anzac Advisory Council. She blogs at www.gabriellechan.com and you can follow her on Twitter: @gabriellechan.

Must we, still?

Take a look at these pictures below to see what women were doing to themselves over 100 years ago to conform to the idea that a 16 inch waist was a thing of beauty.

These x-rays from 1908 over at Retronaut show a woman’s ribs before and after putting on a corset.

Before the corset…

Corset going on…

Goodbye, inches!

A shot of French singer Émilie Marie Bouchaud, who was famous for taking tightlacing to the extreme

Have we come a long way, baby? What lengths do women still go to adhere to the illusion of one standardised beauteous form?

We can think of a few: major surgery to have silicon implants inserted into breasts risking pain, infection, and ruptures; the toe-crushing agony of standing around on high heels; the pain of depilatory pursuits and the need to be hairless from the eyebrows down; laser treatments; botox injected into foreheads; the pain of being hungry.

What did we miss Hooplarians?

What suffering have you done for your beauty?

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Tomato sauce needed to be decanted into a jug before being placed on the table. All family members must eat together at the table. You could never say “gunna” or “wanna” and the word HATE was banned.

We were to say “detest immensely” or something like that.

And under no circumstance was your boyfriend allowed to sleep over in the same room as you. No circumstances, unless you were engaged.

“Not in my house.” Mum would say. And we all accepted it.

It resulted in my older sister getting engaged at 21 and this, in turn, lifted the ban for us younger siblings.

But there were rules, and with kids becoming sexually active at a younger age these days, I just dread to think how I might handle this situation when it arises in my house.

I am lucky I do not have to think about it just yet.

Your house, your rules, right?

So thought New Zealander and guesthouse proprietor Karen Ruskin, when a lesbian couple came a knocking at her door, there to take up their booking made previously over the internet.

Mrs Ruskin said that when the couple arrived they were told the lodge’s policy was for same-sex couples to be put into a room with two king-single beds. She argued that it might damage the morals and sanctity of her home.

Which actually makes me want to ask Mrs Ruskin what her policy was with regards to being a homophobic bigot.

I think that Mrs Ruskin needs to change professions. Opening up your own home as a guesthouse does not give you the right do decide who is moral. Or does it?

It is one of those arguments that can be played out on a never-ending loop, with no conclusions being reached.

Mum had rules, but circumstance made her shift the goal posts a bit.

Karen and Michael Ruskin’s stance on homosexuality is very clear. It is not to happen under their roof. More often than not, this type of intolerance is based on the fear of the unknown. Living a life with blinkers on will do that to a person.

Says Mrs Ruskin: “Everyone knows what homosexual activity is. It’s quite clear if two guys rent one bed you know what’s going to happen. We have to protect our other guests.”

Dear lord, Karen! Protect them from what? What goes on in your place? Are there no doors on any of your guest rooms? But your bigoted views are actually protected by the fact that it is… you house, your rules.

That doesn’t make it right. It is discrimination in its purest form.

The “dangerous” couple Paula Knight and Jane Collison are engaged (so would be free to share a bed at my Mum’s place anytime), but as Ms. Collison pointed out in an article at the Sydney Morning Herald, “It is a closed bedroom. I’m not allowed to cuddle my partner in a shared bed, but if I walked in there with a random guy I picked up off the street she would let me in.”

A solid closing argument if ever I have heard one, especially as a complaint has been lodged with the Human Rights Commission regarding this discrimination as it is illegal to discriminate against someone in the provision of goods and services because of their sexual orientation.

But the outcome is unclear as the Ruskin’s run a guesthouse, and not a hotel. There is a difference.

Paula posted her review on Trip Advisor:

“Wow what a mistake, as these hospo people are totally out of touch with the real world and we felt totally discriminated against and that we should just slink off into the guterings (sic) & side streets to seek somewhere – more suitable for our situation.”

Stomach churning stuff.

In my house, I rule the roost and enforce my ideals and morals on my kids. They include no lies, no talking back, no wearing nail polish to school. There should be random acts of kindness every day, treat others like you wish to be treated and eye rolling should be kept to a minimum.

Never, ever take the last chocolate biscuit.

And most importantly, ask me all the questions you want, because I don’t ever want you to be fearful of the unknown, no matter what.

What are the rules at your place? Parents of teenagers, I am all ears!

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*About Mrs Woog: “I can be found in the laundry, folding laundry, sorting laundry and dropping off the dry cleaning. I am mum to two boys, boss of my husband and master of a cat and two guinea pigs. Come nightfall, I watch TV while tweeting which drives Mr Woog insane. I like to read cookbooks and eat out. During my waking hours I ferry kids around in the Mazda while drinking takeaway coffees and listening to talkback. I think about going to the gym every day. I used to work in the publishing industry before I realised it was nothing like Elaine Benes from Seinfeld made out like it was. Now I write this blog. And I never get writer’s block. It is a gift I have.” You can follow me on Twitter: @Woogsworld.

Submissions will be open for another six weeks – travellers and photographers can enter their shots into categories including Travel Portraits, Outdoor Scenes, Sense of Place, and Spontaneous Moments.

Here’s a small collection of some of the entries received so far – all shots and captions by the photographers, via The Atlantic.

A fascinating and breathtaking view of the Cappadocia morning breeze, in Turkey. © Reynaldi Herdinanto.

Bonobos…the unknown Ape. Most people do not even know what Bonobos are. I have been documenting their behavior for over 4 years now at the Jacksonville Zoo here in Florida and all I can say is this: “Minutes turn to hours when I am photographing Bonobos. I love to watch their mannerisms and interactions with each other. They are without a doubt our closest relative. It is my dream to one day get a chance to photograph them in the wild in their own world in the DRC. © Graham McGeorge

A fennec fox walks against the wind in Morocco. The fennec, or desert fox, is a small nocturnal fox found in the Sahara Desert in North Africa. © Francisco Mingorance

A very hungry humming bird drinking from the mouth of a person in Wyoming during an extreme drought in 2012. © Sundell Larsen

I have seen alligators and turtles together in ponds before, but never like this! I was at Bluebill Pond in Harris Neck NWR when I saw what I thought was an alligator sunning itself on a stump. As I got closer I realized that it was actually perched on the back of a turtle! I wish I had been there to witness how this surprising esprit de corps had came to pass! © Mary Ellen Urbanski

A Sadu pilgrim from Varanasi, India. © Craig Stevenson

You can view the full collection of first entries at [In Focus] HERE. 

]]> http://thehoopla.com.au/national-geographic-traveler-photo-contest/feed/ 2 http://thehoopla.com.au/psych-psych/ http://thehoopla.com.au/psych-psych/#comments Tue, 21 May 2013 01:19:58 +0000 Lucy Clark http://thehoopla.com.au/?p=57432 Nature or nuture, chemical imbalance or environment, medication or therapy: sometimes the world of mental health diagnosis can feel like a grand human experiment with 7 billion participants.

Will we ever know the results?

This week the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders (DSM-5) was released to a storm of controversy about new inclusions (grief and bereavement) and exclusions (Asperger’s Syndrome).

Much of the criticism of the DSM centres around the increasing rates of medicalisation, of diagnoses multiplying at the rate of knots, of a generation of children growing up in a world where taking a pill to cure their ills is becoming more and more normalised.

It has also set of a kind of Psych V Psych discussion among psychiatrists and psychologists: on the weekend The British Psychological Society launched an attack on psychiatrists, calling for a “paradigm shift” in the way we think about mental health.

The Guardian reported that the society cast doubt on “psychiatry’s predominantly biomedical model of mental distress – the idea that people are suffering from illnesses that are treatable by doctors using drugs.”

They called for less thinking about biological causes, and more thinking around mental ill-health being related to a “complex mix of social and psychological circumstances” that included bereavement, loss, poverty, and abuse.

Writing in The Conversation today,  Senior Lecturer in Psychology at the University of Sydney, Paul Rhodes expresses concern about the implications for Australia’s youth in this world where the biomedical approach “relegates human despair to physiological funtion.”

He believes we are witnessing “a gradual creep” towards the medicalising of children and young people in this country.

He’s worried about the “quick fix” of the biomedical approach to mental illness overtaking the harder, longer road of therapy-based treatment.

“Australia is the third-highest user of stimulants for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and there has been a significant increase in the use of Risperidone, traditionally an antipsychotic, for conduct or behavioural disorders.”

He’s concerned about the effect a diagnosis in adolescence can have on a child’s identity, and whether this may actually inhibit recovery.

Allen Francis, Professor Emeritus of Psychiatry at Duke University in the USA, and a consulting editor on the last edition of the DSM, has come out as one of the most outspoken opponents of the new DSM and way we distinguish the “sick” from the “well”.

Things are about to get much worse, he says, and the “diagnostic inflation” will lead to an ever greater glut of unnecessary mediation.

Last year American doctor Marilyn Wedge wrote a controversial report in Psychology Today making a cultural comparison to French children – only 0.5 percent of whom are diagnosed and medicated for ADHD, and American children, 9 percent of which are diagnosed and medicated for the same.

“Is ADHD a biological-neurogical disorder?” she asked. “Surprisingly the answer to this question depends on whether you live in France or the United States.”

In the USA, the disorder is largely treated with drugs. In France, she said, child psychiatrists take a more wholistic view, treating underlying contexts with psychotherapy and family counselling.

The astronomic rise in children being diagnosed with mental disorders over the past years leads us to the obvious question – are there actually more mental health issues than there used to be, or are we just getting better at diagnosis?

Professor Frances says the “one consolation” in all this is that  “kids are not suddenly getting much sicker – human nature is pretty stable.

“But the way we label symptoms follows fickle fashions, changing quickly and arbitrarily. And freely giving out inaccurate diagnoses can lead to grave harms – medication that isn’t needed, stigma, lower self confidence and reduced self expectation.”

What do you think? Are you concerned about rising diagnoses and the prescription of drugs?

Overnight, the former prime minister announced on his blog “Kevin Connects” that he had changed his opposition to gay marriage.

Kevin Converts.

It’s nothing to do with timing, says Kev. It’s all about struggling “in good conscience to deal with the ethical fundamentals of the issue and reach an ethical conclusion”.

“My opponents both within and beyond the Labor Party, will read all sorts of political significances into this. That’s a matter for them. There is no such thing as perfect timing to go public on issues such as this.”

And you can’t argue with him. Nor can you escape the contrast with Julia Gillard, who remains an opponent of gay marriage reform.

Kevin writes a compelling argument for Christian support for a change of law to allow gay marriage in secular institutions while reserving the right for churches to do their own thing.

Apparently the thing that really got him thinking was a chance coffee with a former staffer, “a capital G God-botherer” of the Pentacostal church, who declared he was gay and “one day would like to get married to another bloke”.

“In our family I have long been regarded as the last of the Mohicans on this one,” he writes.

“The kids have long thought I’m an unreconstructed dinosaur for not supporting marriage-equality legislation.

“And Therese just looks at me with that slightly weary, slightly exasperated, slightly pitying ‘There, there, darling, you’ll get over it one day’ look that wives can be particularly good at giving to their antediluvian husbands.”

So began Christian Kevin’s journey of discovery.

You see, he has plenty of time up his sleeve these days since being unburdened of the top job and the foreign affairs ministry. It’s allowed him to talk to a whole lot more people and read a whole lot more about the issue.

If you believe consistent polls, he has swung in behind the majority of Australians who support gay marriage.

This is in line with international experience, as a swag of countries including France, New Zealand and many Scandanavian countries institute their own laws legalizing gay marriage.

But just last year, Kevin was one of the 98 members of Parliament who voted against gay marriage reform in the Parliament. There were 42 who supported the bill.

Still, everyone has a right to change their mind. It’s just, when it comes to Kev, you can’t help seeing every move through the prism of leadership. There is always that little red flag going up.

In the lead up to the Kevin 07 election, the silver-haired Messiah declared his political approach to John Howard was to “mess with his mind”.

He continues to do this with the Gillard camp. He is relentless.

Yet again, on this one issue, we have his qualities and his flaws encapsulated. His academic argument for gay marriage could convert the most righteous Christian. It is clever and nuanced. And yet, he does it in a way that does mess with your mind.

To the Labor Party, he is the Chucky doll of the shock horror movie Child’s Play, of benign face and dubious intent, declaring: “I’ll be your friend to the end.”

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*Gabrielle Chan is The Hoopla’s political correspondent. She is a journalist and author with more than 25 years experience, having worked most recently as a regular columnist with The Australian. She has previously worked for The Daily Telegraph, the ABC and the South China Morning Post. Gabrielle has written and edited Flickers of History, War On Our Doorstep and FEAST and is a member of the NSW Anzac Advisory Council. She blogs at www.gabriellechan.com and you can follow her on Twitter: @gabriellechan.

That we love you goes without saying. Our last moment in life — when it comes — will be filled with thoughts of you.

We are your parents. We wiped your bums, put bandaids on your knees and waved to you at every turn of the merry-go-round (we have photos if you have forgotten what a merry-go-round is).

Pic via basement people

We raised you to be decent human beings and to give something back to the world. And you are all doing your thing— and we are proud of you.

But this letter is to remind you of a few considerations about your parents that you seem to have overlooked in your adulthood.

• When we invite you to dinner, don’t arrive empty-handed. Bring a bottle of wine (a cheap red will suffice) or even a loaf of crusty bread from the trendy suburb where you live. Or some flowers. You don’t have to do this every time, but remember when when we went to Aunt Jackie’s house and we made such a fuss about taking something? Well, that generosity still applies today.

• Return our calls or text messages. (Yes, we have embraced new technology like texting, Facebook and Twitter). We know you’re busy and a telephone call can be too much but at least send a text message so we know you’re okay. Don’t ignore our attempts to contact you — a simple ‘yay, all good here‘ will get us off your back for a few more weeks. And it means we don’t have to check your Facebook to see if you’re still alive when we haven’t heard from you for two months.

• We know you like your phone, we like ours too. But at the dinner table, put it away, turn it on silent and be with us. It is embarrassing to remind you of this in your thirties. Enjoy the meal, the wine, the company without having to broadcast where you are.

• If you owe us money, pay it back or re-negotiate.

• If you borrow a tie or a shirt, bring it back clean and ironed.

• If you let yourself into the house, leave things as you found them. We are your parents but the time has passed when we clean after you.

• Offer help after dinner, don’t just walk out because you’re busy and have so much to do.

• On our birthdays, at the very least, give us a card. (And no, we don’t expect you to make your own anymore). We understand it must be hard to come up with a present, we have lived a long life and we have everything we need, surely. No, we don’t. Any of these will be greeted with enthusiasm; wine, chocolates, books, golf balls, plants, did I say wine?

We love you, we will help you where we can, but remember we have busy lives, too.

But we always have time for you.

You are family and you mean the world to us.

What handy pointers would you add for your grown-up children?

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*Author Susanna Freymark and her husband have five children between them ranging in age from 16 to 34 years. Freymark’s book, Losing February, was released earlier this year.