THE XXX OLYMPIAD OF PERVING

The modern Olympic spirit upholds several ancient traditions.

These include the pursuit of excellence, respect for one’s fellows and, importantly, perving at very hot blokes.

 width=On Helen’s hot list… every man who ever played water polo. In this case, the Hungarian team.

We’re failing terribly on this last count compared to the Greeks of antiquity. For the sake of continuing history, something needs to be done.

Back in 700 BC, poets and sculptors paid tribute to the physical merits of beautiful men who endured great hardship in the pursuit of the Games. These days, we have not only lost our taste for poetry but we shy away from appreciation of the athletic body. Apparently “objectification” has become a sin.

Well, it’s bloody not.

Whether it is of men or of women, objectification is not in itself an unwholesome act. 

It’s entirely possible to take delight in another human’s physical charms without cruelty or damage to the species.

With this classical tradition of polite drooling in mind, we put the XXX back into the XXX Olympiad and offer the five best of all man candy. Feel free to add your own slavering lust.

5. Every Man Who Ever Played Water Polo Ever (but especially Greece)

 width=Members of the Greek water polo team.

Whether it’s the silly hat, the microscopic costume or the mystery of a game that seems to involve nothing but thrashing about like a libidinous dolphin, water polo is an unending delight.

For those of us who like a little more realism in their fantasy, the slight paunch of these amphibians is also quite helpful. As a pragmatist, I just can’t imagine a scenario where a sculpted James Magnussen says to me, “Helen, I am going to take you roughly.” When I look at the unkempt, slightly older men of water polo, however, I feel I am in with a chance.

Also. Thank you to the technology that offers us “bum cam” throughout these fascinating games.

Enjoy the medal round of men’s water polo on August 12.

 4. Teddy Riner

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When I learned that this French judo champion was born at roughly the same time as my best mate’s son, I felt I should probably be placed in custody.  Surely, though, the fact of his relatively recent 1989 birth is somewhat diminished by other statistics.

The impossibly buff 23-year-old guy is 2.04 metres, or 6’ 8”, tall and weighs 128 kilograms or 280 pounds in the old money.  Also, he grunts in French. The heavyweight judoko, also known as “Teddy Bear”, hulk-smashed the competition this past weekend to produce both Olympic gold and our renewed fascination for full-body contact sports.

Sadly, the judo is done. In happy news for any fan of frankly homo-erotic tumbling, the Greco-Roman wrestling has just begun. And, see our own entirely edible Safwan Khalil later this week in the taekwondo.

 3. Juan Martin Del Potro

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Tennis as it appears in the Olympiad often lacks the unchecked passion of a Grand Slam.  Not so this past weekend as the hotsy-totsy Argentine played Federer in the semis last Friday in a match that lasted four-and-a-half very manly hours.

As if this 24-year-old’s impossible good looks were not sufficient to send a girl sliding off the sofa, there was a moment between young Del Porto and the great Swiss master fit to slay us utterly.

When the guy – who looks rather like a cross between James Franco and sunshine – was beat, he buried his head in Federer’s shoulder and sobbed.  He may have won Olympic bronze but my ovaries offer him eternal gold.

 2. Men’s Marathon

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Many shun the viewing endurance required to watch this endurance sport. But, there are those of us older spectators who know the value in patience.

Sure, the idea of a race that exceeds two hours and 40 kilometres might seem trying, but I urge you to spend time with these starters for a number of reasons. First, for those of us who fancy lanky lads, this race is a saga of sex. Second, it is always a United Nations of hotness with most nations represented.  Third, it’s nice to see blokes between 30 and 40 competing for gold.

I’ll be getting the popcorn in for 38-year-old Liechtensteiner Marcel Tschopp and Spain’s Jose Carlos Hernandez (pictured above).

 1. Michael Phelps

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Yes, in the strictest terms of classical physical beauty, Phelps may run a distant second to our own absurdly hot team of swimmers. I mean, JEBUS, Sullivan, Roberts, Magnussen and Targett were surely made in a factory for idealised men.

But, there’s nothing hotter than the embers of a flame. When the gorgeous geek farewelled a career last Sunday that saw him decorated more copiously than any other Olympian, there was little more bittersweet.

While it is troubling to think these extraordinary abs will soon be consumed by age and a diet that involves actual human food, we’re reminded of the fleeting beauty of the athletic body.

It would be a crime not to gaze in wonder.

MORE FROM HELEN RAZER

Food. Science Vs your Grandma

Milking the Market

 

 width=*Helen Razer is a freelance writer. You can follow her on Twitter @HelenRazer

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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