TRAGEDY, THEN THE ‘DEATH KNOCK’
I’m a coward. I didn’t have the courage to go to a friend’s funeral this past week.
After another tragic death, is this a line the media shouldn’t cross?
Initially I tried to convince myself that I couldn’t organise a babysitter to look after my small girls. What nonsense… Yes, I had a sitter but I wimped out of confronting the raw, exposed grief of a family who had lost their dad, husband, son and mate.
He was a handsome, charismatic man who had blazed through high school, shone on the beach and later in the boardrooms.
A terrible illness has robbed him of his looks, his strength and then his will to live.
What do you say to his family at a funeral? Somehow, “I’m so sorry”, doesn’t seem to cut it. How can words ever, ever be enough to compensate or adequately describe the measureless pain that you feel when someone you adore has died?
My wimpy behaviour reminds me of a sentiment from a counsellor friend of mine, ‘that we don’t do dying well’. She’s spot on.
This woman has worked with families whose children have terminal cancer. She is the bravest person I know. How does she do it? Well, she says, it’s about different doses of care, compassion and humour. This woman says she has the best job in the world as she is able to share the most intimate and honest time in a family’s life.
But there are some things that you don’t need to share – and this is coming from someone who is very comfortable ‘sharing’ moments of Dr Phil proportions.
And what isn’t necessary is intruding on the grief of a parent who has lost a child and then plastering it across our media.
I’m a hypocrite as I’ve presented numerous news bulletins that have included the heartbreak of a family who have lost a child. Each time I have introduced such a story, I have watched the item, and then turned away.
My colleagues and I would say how terribly sad it was, and then we would move onto the next story. Something a family can never, ever do.
However, since becoming a mum, it’s harder to move onto the next story. I have no idea how those parents feel. I don’t allow my imagination to go there, as I’m terrified by the torrent of emotions such a catastrophe would unleash within me. That’s why I wish we could leave those parents to grieve in private.
One of the worst jobs of being a reporter on the road was being told to do a ‘death knock’.
Literally it means to knock on the door of a family who has just lost a loved one, and to ask them “how do you feel?”. Often the shell-shocked family would be told that by talking, it might prevent the tragedy happening to another family. What?
That is misleading and not necessarily true. I think it’s amoral, as it is asking someone a question at a time when they are at their most vulnerable. Journalists would often get the door slammed in their face – as they should.
But occasionally, the screen door would be opened and the camera crews would be asked in to a place where no stranger should tread. And it was frequently families who were unfamiliar with the ways of the media who would open their door.
These were the very same families who should have been protected and shielded in their very darkest hour.
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38 Responses to this article
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Dramaqueen75 October 4, 2011
Jessica, you have hit the nail on the head. We don’t watch any TV news coverage in our house. We made that choice when the kids were young as the news broadcasts are sensationalised and frightening. I can’t bear the media beat ups and the transformation of people’s tragedies and misfortunes into grotesque entertainment. I am also aware of the bias in the media- look at the “cash for comment” or pressure from vested interest media owners in the current poker machine regulations debate.
I get my information from the paper, ABC radio and research etc. I avoid the hype, the exploitation and negativity of commercial news broadcasts.
Nice to know you had enough scruples to not interview people in their worst moments of grief and pain.
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Kylie Johnson October 4, 2011
Jessica and I went to uni together and we learned so much about media…but I don’t think anything can prepare you from the pressure your boss puts on you to ‘get the family’ after a tragedy. I can still do impressions of one of the producers on a current affairs show I worked on: ‘Maaaate, it’s a tribute to your dead daughter/son/wife/mother/dog’. He was a great success at convincing the family to speak and was lauded as a hero in the office. The very fabulous and moral Leigh Hatcher (now at Sky News) told me about the grass knock, and I’ve always respected him for his stance and certainly tried his approach. However, the wrath of the boss was always a terrifying and blunt instrument if another channel got the ‘exclusive’….
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Celia October 4, 2011
Jess, you have dredged up the ghosts of deathknocks passed. At least young reporters can access the all-important photos from Facebook now.
Will we ever forget our former colleague camping outside the house of David Wilson, kidnapped and murdered in Cambodia….”Mrs Wilson, if you loved your son you’d come out and talk to us” ……..don’t get me started! -
Jo Wiffrie October 4, 2011
If the past couple of weeks has shown us anything, it is that the idea of grieving parents airing their story, as a warning to others, doesn’t work.
Well done Jessica, for standing up for your moral values, not many do these days.
I remember (twenty years ago) before being allowed to write news for radio, I had to study the regulation on broadcast journalism, since then, either the rules have changed or nobody cares about fair representation anymore.
The sensationalist current affairs shows wonder why their ratings are slipping, most people are bored with the sensationalist format and especially dislike the deceptive snippet advertising these shows use to lure you into watching.
There is nothing sensational about the loss of a child or any loved one for that matter. People should be allowed to grieve in peace, I for one, don’t have to see the parents of that child to know they are completely devastated.
I wish more journo’s did the grass knock. -
Lavender1947 October 4, 2011
I am with you on this one Jessica. I have two girls and 5 grandkids and it gets harder each day to even read the heartbreak let alone hear it. So much each week about families loosing their loved ones. My sponge is full, can’t take any more of it. I read Google news when I want to, that way I can pick and choose how much I let my heart get torn apart.
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Valerie Parv October 4, 2011
Jessica, most have commented on the reporting aspect but I’d like to add 2c worth about attending a funeral. I used to be like you, staying away on any pretext because I “didn’t like funerals”. Who does? Then my husband of 38 years passed away and I needed every one of the people who came to his funeral. They made me feel less alone, less as if the world had ended. I promised myself then that I would make the effort next time because it matters.
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Margaret Colley October 4, 2011
I also agree with Valerie, and am reminded of the time when my mother was dying in hospital, and my brother wouldn’t go to visit her because he found it ‘too distressing’. My mother was heartbroken. Nobody enjoys attending the funeral or death bed of a loved one, but we do it because it’s the right thing to do, and we’re adults who accept life sucks sometimes. I would have great difficulty in forgiving a close friend who wasn’t there to pat my hand at the funeral of any of my loved ones. I hope, for her sake, that Jessica’s friends are more accepting.
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Donna @ NappyDaze October 4, 2011
What an amazing insight here. I too shudder watching some stories and wonder how on earth these poor people have been convinced to talk to cameras during such a harrowing time. I was so very close to studying TV journalism – I shudder to think how I would have coped at such confronting times. Well done to you Jessica for such a brilliant job at exposing this ugly side.
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wilmawalrus October 4, 2011
Thank you Jessica – this issue about intrusive media at distressing times in people’s lives is something that infuriates me every time I see a news bulletin. I work in commercial news as an autocue operator, and as a mother of two and a member of a family, the unneccessary vision of people being wheeled into hospitals on gurneys, bodies under blankets after shootings or road accidents, and the doorstopping of grieving families can be overwhelming. It is comforting to hear that there are some journalists out there who stand up to their employers by not shooting or showing such footage. If only more news producers would develop the same compassion!
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Lesley Palma October 4, 2011
I agree with Valerie. At both funerals of Mum and Dad I was overwhelmed by the attendance of people who I did not expect to be there and it did give me the comfort I needed to get through each of those days. You were probably thinking that your friend would have enough people around at the funeral for comfort but your friend needed you as well Jessica, believe me.
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Ann-Maree from Taree October 4, 2011
I’m also in agreement with Valerie …as a child educated at a catholic school that was located behind the church we often formed guards of honour and attended funerals of identities in the town…..contrasted with my husband, who had never attended one until the death of a grandparent, he was in his twenties and absolutely devastated by the whole ‘funeral;’ experience.
Although never easy to attend, you are often lifted by the experience, and more and more so, they have become a celebration of the person’s life…..so Jessica, I hope the next time one comes around you’ll find the courage to go!
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MadamBipolar October 4, 2011
I have done many door knocks and the one thing that struck me is some families welcome them in the sense that it is recognition of how important their loved one was to them.
I went into robot mode on death knocks. There is no way I could do it now. When I was 23, it was a different story. You have to do what you have to do and not think too much about it.
Like Donna, I realised news journalism was not my thing. -
Maid In Australia October 4, 2011
I agree wholeheartedly.
However, when I lived and worked in England … and dreaded being asked to do the deathknock … in magazines we ofted wrote letters to the bereaved families or phoned family friends or members, sharing our sympathy and asking if they ever felt ready to talk to the media that they consider talking to us.
I was gobsmacked that often contact was welcomed, and I was taken into homes and treated warmly and with kindness. I don’t think I was ever actually refused and at times was sought out. Families did grieve, they cried with me, they used their 15 minutes of fame to pay tribute to those they had lost, to thank people who had helped them, to right wrongs, to get justice, to raise awareness. I was in my early 20s, and had mothers showing me precious photos of their dead babies, the place where their children were tortured and murdered … I grew up very quickly in those years and it did make me think that doing these stories could work for good not evil. I think the difference is that because we worked in magazines those people were our readers, and we didn’t contact them directly, we didn’t intrude, and we left it for them to contact us if they wanted to proceed. I – and my colleagues – also treated these people and their stories with the upmost respect, to the extent that you couldn’t help becoming involved. Sometimes you’d be sitting at the computer sobbing your heart out. It got to the stage where I had to stop doing ‘real lifes’ even though I’d made my name in them, because it was just too draining.
I know now that I would never do a death knock and I would never write a story about a tragedy unless that person wanted it to be written. And even then it’s a close call, because having suffered with anxiety and depression myself, how would I know they were fully ready to make that decision?
This is one of the reasons I’ve moved out of mainstream journalism – it’s all become too murky. I want to make sure I’m making a difference in the right way, and if I was working in the traditional media, I’m not sure I would be. -
Lauren October 4, 2011
Of course death knocks are horrendous and no journo I know would ever volunteer – and we all know how ‘those’ producers sitting on their arses back in the newsroom carry on when you say “they weren’t there” or “they said no”… and it sickens me to hear how some journos have conducted themselves around grieving families – they give us all a bad name. BUT…. I must say that on one of the death knocks I’ve done, the family was eager to talk. It was their time to put forward their side of the story and talk about how special their (adult) son was. I had tears in my eyes as they shared their grief… it seemed like it was helping them to talk. I barely asked any questions, I just let them speak…. when they were done, they thanked me for the chance to let the public know about their boy. Having experienced the loss of a close friend, I understood how they wanted to scream from the rooftops – sometimes in that time of raw grief, you are desperate for attention – like you need that person immortalised – so no one forgets them……
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Jo-Living Savvy October 4, 2011
Jessica, I read this post this morning and only now have been able to come back and leave my thoughts. I have been to the funerals of two friends in the past several months. It never entered my thoughts not to go, I knew this is where I needed to be and where I was wanted. I was not concerened with saying the right or wrong thing. I knew that the funeral was not about me or my ability to “provide comfort”, being there with an embrace was enough. Both of these funerals although very different were celebrations of the lives lived and love shared. I had the honor of being asked to speak at the funeral of my girlfriend who died and displayed a courage and sense of hope that will continue to inspire me long after she has gone. More recently at the funeral of my friend’s husband (whose sudden death shocked us all), I sat in a row alongside 4 other girlfriends and the energy of support that radiated through us and down to our friend was quite tangible and I hope helped her get through a day she never imagined being at. Jessica, when I first read your post this morning my feelings of judgement were strong for the decision you made, if I were to have a left a comment then it would have been much more concise something like “it wasn’t about you”….yet I also got a sense that you know this. With the gift of time (several hours have passed since I first read your article) I wondered how those early experiences of doing the death knock as a journalist has left a lasting stain for you and how you do death and dying? The great thing about stains is that with the right amount of attention they can fade away to nothing.
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Lady Penelope October 7, 2011
Following increasingly intrusive images of victims of crime in recent years a group of victim support services & NSW haagencies are working on a guide for victims families on how to manage the ‘the death knock’. They are also looking at the curriculum & including it as an ethics subject in journalism courses.
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Patricia Murray October 20, 2011
How well you put that Jessica. Often I have turned our TV off when they broadcast such bad taste “news” it is not news to see grieving relatives. I wish more people in the media had the moral backbone that you display.
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Seana Smith October 20, 2011
Oh, good to open the door on this gloomy and distressing subject. I think this was one of the reasons I never did proper news work ever when I worked in TV, and ended up in the jolly world of children’s TV. Much less angst.
Funerals are important, I think, and I feel it’s important to go. And to cry and laugh too. It’s so confronting when our friends die far, far too young.. and heart breaking to see the families left behind. The funerals of older people are very different. Sad, sad.
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snug October 24, 2011
I believe that actually seeing the human emotion is different to when someone is reporting it.
That stated, even I had the courage and respect to write a card to someone who recently lost a friend and colleague.
It might not have been much, but at least this person was worth the effort.
As for certain media, I believe that part way through last year, there were certain comments made by certain media outlets that were inconsistent with the full story of how a friend of my household’s died. I think that all of the media had the opportunity to read the Victoria Police report – it was available online.
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Crispy October 25, 2011
Jessica, you have chosen an intensely difficult profession. But remember that with knowledge comes strength. Maybe what is needed is a panel that decides how many details need to be divulged to the general public. So then some weirdo isn’t able to use the info to perpetuate their fetish.
As for you, my dear, you are always a breath of freshness, Keep up the good work! -
Anna February 10, 2012
I agree … I am a trained journalist and I love most aspects of it. But I would never go into broadcast because I could never do that to a grieving family. We were told at uni that it would come up. Nobody said we had to do it, but refusing isn’t exactly encouraged. Who does it help aside from TV executives? If my inability to use the suffering of others to boost my career means I’ll never make it as a journalist, then so be it.
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Amelia February 14, 2012
I clearly remember being told about the ‘death knock’ when I studied journalism. Not ever being able to see myself having the courage to do this was one of the reasons I knew I wasn’t tough enough for journalism.
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Carmel April 23, 2012
Well said Jessica. And from the comments there appears to be a lot of journalists agree. Could those with contacts in the journalism field spread the word that we as viewers do NOT want to see distressed families, and the journalists do not want to go after those stories.
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Wendy Ashdown April 29, 2012
Well done Jessica, funerals are the worst part of living, good on you for taking a stance
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Alberta July 24, 2012
I write as someone recently bereaved, to say that funerals for about respect, respect for both the living and the dead. They serve an important and powerful role for good. The sad thing I have noticed is just how many people do not say a thing, don’t ask how you are doing, don’t acknowledge the enormity of your recent experience. Maybe for fear of upsetting you. Personally I feel upset by their failure to offer a few empathic words.
I always believed we must rise above our personal discomforts to do the right and proper thing. -
Rhoda July 25, 2012
I’ve often thought the same, Jessica. I don’t need to see the grief. I don’t need to see the instrument of death either or the place. News is supposed to inform not sensationalize. There seems to be an obsession with people’s private lives these days and it is devaluing our society. Makes me feel like a pimp to be honest.
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The Accidental Housewife August 1, 2012
Jessica, I knew your opinion on this before I read this article, even though we’ve never met – I saw it in your eyes every time you had to introduce a story of this nature. And that’s why I love you as a news presenter. You actually have empathy. I admire you.
