I WAS ‘RELINQUISHED’
The ABC current affairs program Four Corners featured a story this week on mothers who were forced to give their babies up for adoption in the 60s and 70s.
To say watching this program was fraught for me would be an understatement.
I was born in 1972 and ‘relinquished’ to be adopted by Mum and Dad. I watched the program grieving for these women mourning their lost children while wincing at the blunt force trauma these sorts of stories are for my mum.
I was, in essence, a virgin birth.
My birth mother “H” and father “L” were aged only 14 and 16 respectively. H hid the pregnancy until she fainted during the school’s cross country race when she was about four months pregnant.
The school’s nursing sister had a quiet conversation with my maternal grandmother who promptly burst into tears as it confirmed her unspoken suspicions.
H was promptly sent to Carramar, an Anglican single mother’s home on Sydney’s North Shore in the suburb of Turramurra. Her brothers were told to tell her friends that she’d gone to PLC Pymble, ironically the school I would attend a mere 10 years later.
In the meantime, L was expelled and the principal tried to have him charged with carnal knowledge. A childhood act of bravery years before won him a reprieve, the police refusing to charge him as he and a friend had witnessed a bank robbery and could identify the bandits.
Apparently L’s family had offered to keep me and raise me as L’s sister – something H relayed excitedly to her father.
He flatly refused on the grounds she had bought enough shame to the family already. Shame.
That word, so laden with guilt and wrong-doing and punishment is, in my experience, a cornerstone to adoption.
Shame on the single unwed mother. Clearly promiscuous and debauched and everything in between when in actual fact it was just a case of dumb bad luck. That, ovulation and sperm that could swim. Clearly.
Shame on the adoptive parents – often unfairly squared on the woman’s shoulders for being barren. Who knows what men of that era felt if it was their ‘fault’ they could not have children of their own.
Look at that: shame, barren, fault.
And in the middle there somewhere is a child. A life. A person.
If I recall correctly, there are higher rates of adopted people in prison. Higher rates of suicide, self-harm and mental health issues. There are higher rates of divorce in couples with adopted children. It’s like we’ve tapped into the motherload of human guilt and torment all from a system put in place to ensure the ‘best outcomes’ for the child. Social policy in the 60s and 70s has so much to answer for.
In New South Wales in 1991 changes were made to the adoption laws making it far easier for birth parents and adopted children to find each other. If you wished you could put a contact veto on your file but if you didn’t do so then it was possible for either party to get the original or corrected birth certificate and instigate a search.
I did this in 1993.
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23 Responses to this article
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Lisa Lintern March 2, 2012
What an amazing story that so eloquently shows the emotion felt from all angles.
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kim at allconsuming March 2, 2012
Thanks Lisa. Every single story involving adoption is unique. This is simply mine.
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MrsP2011 March 2, 2012
As it turns out Kim, you are a blessing to all sides of your family.
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blue March 2, 2012
And here’s another scary thing. I was ‘tricked’ into having an abortion at the age of 16. (I’m 56 now). The doctor was complicit, my parents had to be complicit (although they will not admit it) and the parents of the father of that possible child would have been complicit too, from what little I have been able to glean.
I wonder how many times this happened. The thing is, I probably — I think — would have chosen to terminate that pregnancy if someone had thought to ask me. But I was deceived. And the deception hurts to this day. The loss of trust I held in regards to my parents was total.
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Mp March 2, 2012
Amazing story. I’m curious- what is the relationship between relinquished children & the biological grandparents. If it was me I would struggle to have any respect for them.
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Annie from Faulco March 2, 2012
Mp – Sadly, biological grandparents were a product of their society’s values and most likely the strictures of their church/es. Very few of them would have had the courage to stand up to THEIR extended families, either.
A dear friend, born in 1940, was raised by her aunt and uncle, and believed her real birth mother was her aunt until she was in her twenties. Everyone in the small town knew the truth, but it was kept a secret. Her biological father, a respected business man, sacked his pregnant secretary for bringing the firm into disrepute, so my friend’s mother was sent away. Upon returning to the town, her mother was unable to find work, due to her reputation.
My friend obtained her birth certificate and her suspicions were confirmed. Her biological father had died by then, and both her putative parents and her birth mother flatly denied to tell her the truth. It was not until after their deaths that some other townsfolk told my friend the truth. But her extended family continued to deny the truth until the day/s they died.
Very sad. And particularly sad that such situations were not uncommon in those days.
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kim at allconsuming March 2, 2012
It’s funny MP, my maternal grandmother grabbed me, told me she had always loved me and had never forgotten me. She still gets teary when she sees me. My paternal grandparents are just as open – apparently they used to bump into H’s mum down at the shops and ask about me, wondering where I was, what I was doing and if H would ever look for me.
For me I don’t hold any animosity whatsoever to my maternal grandfather, he was simply responding in a way which was stereotypical of the time. My perception of how he feels about me ‘being back on the scene’ is one of discomfort however, that he’s somehow embarrassed? or at least uncomfortable at ‘my return’. H’s relationship with him has been very strained and while our reunion is not the root cause or main cause of this, I think it certainly plays a part.
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blue March 2, 2012
Sorry Kim, I did not mean to distract from your story. Suddenly, those old feelings just welled up in me. But I am sorry if I changed the focus from your important story.
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kim at allconsuming March 2, 2012
not at all Blue, we all have our story to tell. Life, it is just so messy.
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Jenny M March 2, 2012
Thank you for sharing your story Kim, you are an inspiration. I heard of another story on radionational this morning, I am saddened every time. I dont mean to excuse ANYTHING that happened back then it was unacceptable bowever we have to acknowlege that the social norms of society were vastly different than today and we can’t keep beating up those parents who made those decsions, yes they were wrong but they took action like the majority did, it would have taken a brave father or mother to say “lets keep the baby” and most who did ‘keep the baby’ were raised as a sibling to the mother. Thank goodness for social progress and womens rights because I too could have been one of those mothers.
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kim at allconsuming March 2, 2012
Exactly Jenny – I must say, I have a slow burn concern that – as the broader media is want to do – the story about adoption will be boiled down to another stolen generation. I think there is certainly a component of that but there were also myriad other scenarios being played out. Was H in any position to be making a call about whether she kept me or not? With me now having a 14 year old son I do not think so. Her parents – her father in particular – did what he thought was best for H and for the family. Sure, the language around that is loaded and emotive but I would argue the decision was made on the grounds of ‘what was best’ rather than some notion of ‘punishment’.
As it was I was adopted by two loving parents and a mother who has sacrificed so much for me words will never do it justice.
I have along history of chronic depression and if you threw a whole component of my life into that where I was being raised as someone’s sister only to discover they were my father, WELL! MADNESS AHOY!
I found it very interesting that when the report was tabled in the Senate the other day they discredited the argument that it was a product of the attitudes of the era. I do think, however, there were some very specific cases of babies being taken against their mothers will, particularly in older ‘girls’.
Oh man, see, this discussion has no end! I could go on and on.
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bigwords March 2, 2012
Kim, I have just read this and your story is one which touches my heart immensely. Your writing is so beautiful to read, your story so powerful. Much love xx
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Angela Savage March 2, 2012
Kim, thanks for sharing this remarkable story. You are a credit to everyone involved in making and shaping you.
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Cat March 2, 2012
Oh Kim! What a beautifully written piece. I love the way you see life and I admire you immensely. You’re so right about social policies having a lot to answer for. Xxxxx
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Mp March 2, 2012
You are a very forgiving person Kim! And Blue, I was also cornered into having an abortion. I cried every single day for 8 years, ended up doing a fantastic retreat which helped a lot. It’s a topic I dearly wish someone would cover. Sadly I don’t think I’m strong enough to put up with the inevitable lych mob that thinks I’m pushing an anti abortion wagon so I steer clear of that topic.
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fiona March 2, 2012
Beautifully written Kim. I still get shivers when I think of that moment i guessed who your real mother was as you were telling me about her. It was extraordinary. And having heard the story of her being pregnant at school from her best schoolfriend, and then meeting you…it’s just amazing. You are a fantastic person, and so very admirable. And surrounded by such a special group of people.
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kim at allconsuming March 3, 2012
Fiona, meeting you and the other guys who were around when it all happened has been so insightful and wonderful for me. Seriously. Wonderful, poignant and such an important part of my history.
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melissa March 3, 2012
Very thought provocing Kim.
I had a horrific childhood at the mercy of ‘ biological’
parents for whom I feel absolutely no positive emotions , people whose memory sends a chill down my spine- I am now in my 40′s but I still dearly wish I had been adopted by loving parents. I’m intrigued by this concept of a biological connection. What was it that made you yearn to meet your birth parents?-
kim at allconsuming March 3, 2012
Melissa, my mum’s one of six and my dad is one of three – I had big families around me and loads of cousins. But I never felt I belonged. I always felt ‘different’. I found it very isolating that I had cousins who looked like my mum and had traits like my mum that I didn’t and would never have. My perception of life in those families was that I was always viewed with a level of being an unknown quantity, the loose canon.
Apart from all that I am a journo by trade so unanswered questions are simply not acceptable! I always knew I’d look for my birth parents, always. Weird huh. I know plenty of adopted people who have no desire to search and have never felt the way I did. It just reaffirms that every story is unique.
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daniel March 3, 2012
This is such a wonderful, thoughtful, honest account. Thank you so much for writing it.
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Kerri Saint March 3, 2012
As an adoptee who was taken I have worked hard to highlight that many adoptees were placed in homes where they were exploited and abused. I run a support and lobby group for these adoptees you will find snippet of our stories of what happened to us in the report . The truth is there were little or no screening of adoptive parents. There were deals done under the table and children went to homes where abuse and mistreatment were common. I was set to work in charocal pits from the age of five. Beaten, suffocted, set alight, and even tortured as a child by the hands of my adopters..This was supposed to be the better family…Trouble is I was being treated like scum because thats what they told me my mother was. The pressure from society to have children forced many to adopt when they did not want to and they clearly took their anger out on the children for being a reminder of their own failings. Time to release the carnage done to these poor children like myself, our stories are just as horrific as the Forgotten Australians.
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Annabelle March 5, 2012
Kim, I love your story and your honesty and bravery! Bravo!
This topic is finally getting some long-overdue sunlight! The more people share their amazing stories, in my opinion, the more it will help others who were innocently involved.
The issue that really angers me is hypocritical attitudes towards sex. How wonderful it must be to be able to stand on moral high ground and look down on your sister/daughter/neighbour etc and feel so sanctimonious!
It is wonderful that you have connected with your young parents H and L.
