QUICK! THE CLEANER’S COMING
Given we barely know each other, and I’d like to forge some kind of relationship, we should get the grubby out of the way from the beginning.
Be up front, you know? Get off on the right foot and all of that. A good, clean slate.
To that end, what is it with ‘panic cleans’ when people are coming over? How is it we can live with a day-to-day level of muck in the house, but the minute the phone rings and someone from the outside is on the way in, all cleaning hell breaks loose? Are you with me?
It’s a lot like the pre-cleaning-lady clean, only more intense.
We don’t have a cleaning lady, but Mum did. Her name was Mrs Skene, Mum called her Skeney-baby. She came on alternate Tuesdays, which turned alternate Monday nights into a type of cleaning torture. It never made sense to us kids that the house had to be spotless so Skeney-baby had less to do.
Then, when we had a cleaning-person (because “cleaning lady” got cleaned out in the mid-90s PC push) we did exactly the same thing as my mother.
And the cleaning team would come through with their backpack vacs and bottles of cleaning fluid and re-clean exactly what we’d done about 12 hours earlier. Weird, eh?
And it was a cleaning team, too, because everyone’s on a team now. Team members help you out in Bunnings and Harvey Norman and Coles and Big W. Team Leaders tell the team mates what to do which is much better than the old days when the managers told the the assistants how to suck eggs. It’s all the same stuff, only the labels have changed, and because we’re on the same team, everyone’s much “happier”.
The crazy thing is, the only people who aren’t on teams, are the ones who were actual teams. Like football teams: now they’re playing groups.
I tell you, the older I get the dumber I get because none of it makes any sense.
We don’t have a cleaning anything anymore, it’s just us: me, my wife and three kids. We live in a wonky old house that seems to burp up more than its fair share of dust. There’s Spud the dog, who’s managed to trick us into letting her sleep on the couch and two chickens (yes, it’s a suburban hobby farm) who live on the outdoor furniture because it’s closer to the action than the chicken coop. When I say action, I mean back door, because that’s where the crusts and scraps come from.
I reckon they learnt it from the dog. I reckon Spuddy cut a deal with the chooks and said to them, “I’ll show you how this place works if you sacrifice one of yourselves to me on the shortest day of the year. You can choose who I get to eat.”
I reckon Spud was planning some kind of animal Hunger Games-type thing that backfired. After the first winter solstice, the chickens rebelled, held an uprising and took control of the back stairs. They try and eat the dog’s dinner before she does and God help Spud if she goes on an egg hunt.
The eight of us have the capacity to create a tsunami of stuff that needs attention.
Feathers, crap, clothes, dust, toys, books, papers, hair elastics, bobby pins, shoes (my God, the shoes) washing, dishes, wetsuits – it’s endless. Literally. And it’s normal. And we live with it as though it is normal because, to us, it is.
I mentioned the ‘panic clean’ to my wife last night and she said how she wished we lived in one of those houses where they’re always tidy. I said, “like ours after we’ve done a panic clean?”.
And she said, “yes, but some people live like that all the time”.
I assured her they didn’t, they’re just better panic cleaners than we are. And they have sensors at their front gate that alert them to intruders. And they don’t have chickens who think they’re dogs. And their dogs don’t dig holes in the lawn.
And they’re not normal – not like we are.
RELATED ARTICLES
Mrs Woog is not Martha Stewart
The surprise visit. Don’t. Please.
Freedom is not dusting furniture
*Andrew Daddo’s been around for a while. His first real TV job as host of the ABC’s national music show The Factory led to a year in New York as the first Australian MTV “VJ.” He returned to tackle just about everything with clip shows like The World’s Greatest Commercials and Australia’s Funniest People before comfortably adapting to the news program 11am. He’s presented the Olympics with Seven in Sydney and Beijing, and enjoyed the life of a professional traveller with The Great Outdoors.
Andrew is an accomplished author, having written best-selling books for all ages - picture books, chapter books, short story collections, young adult novels and adult non-fiction. He enjoyed a weekly column with the Sydney Morning Herald until being recently restructured from the paper and writes for Australian Golf Digest. He spends a great deal of time talking in schools pushing the importance of literacy.
Andrew lives on the northern beaches with his wife and three children, is half the golfer he’d like to be. His latest books are the hilarious series for young readers about a sleepwalking dog called Skoz, and a reworking of the best-selling Cheeky Monkey.
22 Responses to this article
-
rache June 29, 2012
you’re fun!
-
Margaret June 29, 2012
Welcome to the Hoopla Andrew.
I have tears of laughter running down my cheeks. We have a couple of chooks too. Sounds just like our house. And the cleaning……Oh yes .
Looking forward to reading more of your articles.
-
-
Mrs Woog June 29, 2012
Oh I m so like your mum! I clean for the cleaners and when they leave, I walk around the house admiring the job they have done. And literally ten minutes later the whole thing is a complete shambles!
But I had those ten minutes. Reality is messy and that to me is normal. Great post Andrew! xx
-
Michelle June 29, 2012
I TIDY for the cleaner… I dont clean. Her job is to clean, my job is to put the crap away…!
PS great article Andrew
-
Loreena June 29, 2012
Oh boy do we have panic cleans. Love it!! In fact we’re in the process of selling everything to travel around Australia, which at first made me sad to get rid of our things. After a few surprise visitors this week, I’m actually super glad we won’t have enough stuff with us to require panic cleans any more. After all there’s no spare room in a caravan to hide all the crap anyway lol. Great article.
-
Red 60 June 29, 2012
Welcome Andrew! And yes I do clean up and my Sons say – Whos’s coming Over Mum, as if it’s the only time I ever do it… But since some of them have moved out that mad panic has died down and it’s them who ‘panic’ just a little when “Mum’ turns up at their place…
-
The Huntress June 29, 2012
Hahaha, I completely panic clean! Day-to-day I live in such a state of embarrassing filth because I don’t believe in wasting time on housework when I’d rather be applying makeup or reading The Hoopla or something. The dogs rule the house and the fur is unbelievable (one short haired dog, one incredibly fluffy long haired dog). I’m resigned to it and I’m happy that way, but if someone comes over – quick!!! Clean the house!!!
-
Victoriously June 29, 2012
We love it when visitors announce they’re coming as it’s the only time we clean up! Otherwise we just live in a pigsty really. Our kids have a gazillion plastic “toy boxes” in their bedroom but at any one time there’s only about 2 toys left in them, the rest are sprawled out all over the house. The vacuuming is the hardest.. our dog is super fluffy and rolls himself all over the carpet coz it feels good. He’s also insane and can’t be left outside coz he barks like a broken car alarm, so we are forced to let him stay inside.. and he’s old, really old.. and let’s say so are his bowels!! Ewww. Luckily my pocket money bribes are working and I have 3 darlings that have the OSSIC (oh sh*t someone is coming) explosion all under control. They have picked up a routine! The 11yo calmly does the kitchen & dishes (and willingly holds her nose to collect any dog surprises), the 7yo does the loungeroom & vacuums and the 5yo puts away the toys lol. They have it all downpat now, takes them about 30 minutes. Meanwhile I roll around like a chook with it’s legs cut off totally freaking!! I wonder if I’d be any different if I had a cleaner?
-
Ro. Watson June 29, 2012
This is a smart funny article which I must pick up from the floor before my cleaner arrives……
-
Aeron Winters June 29, 2012
Our house is pretty reasonable…as reasonable as too adults, one teenager, three cats and dogs can keep it anyway. Well, okay, it’s probably pretty bad by some standards, I would certainly have to tidy up if some house/home mag wanted to come for a photo shoot, but it’s clean enough for us, and our company. I have always told all my friends/family/acquaintances that if they are coming to visit us, come anytime and make yourself at home. On the other hand, if they want to come see my house, they had better make an appointment…perhaps far far into the future. I guess the only good think I ever liked about renting (we finally bought our own place a few years ago) is that every six months the house got a thorough scrub top to bottom.
-
Jenny E. June 29, 2012
Of course you clean for the cleaner! I spend at least 2 hours getting everything off the floor, on the line, off the benches, cleaning the kitchen – so then the floors and bathrooms are ready – it feels so wonderful to have the house clean for those few hours after the cleaner – but that is about as long as it lasts………………Having a function at your own home is also cause for panic and a huge clean up. It makes sense to me!
-
Vanessa June 29, 2012
How I laughed. I did a panic clean today as my parents were coming to stay for a while I spent an inordinate amount of time outside chasing my chickens off the patio so I could hose down mountains of chook poo and I even cleaned the dog hair out from under the lounge cushions.
Oh Andrew I’m glad you found your way into here as I have lost track of you in the paper.
-
J (another one) June 29, 2012
(Grin)
We (hubby and I) are with you on this. It took a fair bit of self talk to achieve this enlightened state though. We spoke to ourselves sternly and relaxed. Life is much better.
However, occasionally when things have gotten completely out of hand, we do a tactical invite of people who we know place bit more importance on such things. It guarantees the annual spring clean and we celebrate with a glass of something.
-
Jo-Anne June 29, 2012
I ask myself “did cave woman have to stack the rocks or sweep the cave” ? From the moment we are born it seems our very existence requires copious amounts of crap! Crap that we just can’t live without but requires constant tidying up or cleaning. In an observing mode I watched how the mess happens…. very inocently ….. a glass of water hmmm – glass on coffee table.. stays put. Uh an apple! core next to chair on little table. mum cleans it. I give up – it just is…
-
Sal June 29, 2012
As an old hand at the cleaning the house for the cleaner, I have recently come up with the perfect way to get your teenager to clean. I have just employed someone she works with to clean my house! Simple. She now runs around the morning of the “cleaning day” picking everything up and actually putting things away! I even get a lecture when I get home from work on what she had to do to make the house tidy. If only I’d known it was so simple….
-
Jacqui Manning June 29, 2012
Welcome Andrew!! I’d wondered where you’d got to!
I’m lucky if I even manage a panic clean these days, the two little ‘uns seem to zap all time and energy into some black hole or vacuum (not really a vacuum or the floors would be clean). -
Andrew D June 29, 2012
Oh, what fun to be part of Hoopla!
-
Neat freak June 30, 2012
I tidy for the cleaners because I feel guilty if I don’t – isn’t it disrespectful to ask someone else to clean, let alone tidy your mess? Especially in the bathroom! It might be because I was raised in a tidy house as the eldest of eight. My husband and daughter don’t seem to see the mess! I have long ago had to accept that my standards are different and therefore I have to do the cleaning and tidying and cushion plumping since I am the one with the ‘problem’….
-
mummaducka June 30, 2012
Totally relate to this. I decided a few years ago that I was going to relax about all this, as long as there wasn’t copious amounts of dog hair (My 4 little dogs don’t come inside as much as they used to) and filth hanging around and my kitchen, bathroom and laundry are spotless I can bear it.
I realized that if I want to live with my family then I have to relax about the untidiness, and not be that screaming, nasty, name calling, wicked witch mother and wife nagging about the stuff. We live busy lives with priorities other than housework!
I used to sometimes pull allnighters putting away the crapola that had vomitted out of bedrooms, cupboards, bags, mailbox and the laundry the night before the cleaner came. Then, my house keeper passed away 3 years ago (not from exhaustion of cleaning my house!) and I have not got another one, I cannot bear to ‘replace’ her, she was such a good friend and support for 15 years and I miss her terribly. She was a real part of the family. My house has not had a proper, total, all on the one day clean since. But oh how I DO NOT miss that night before tidy up!
Just remember ALL visitors are more interested in the (non exhausted) welcome at the door and the food, drink and company than the state of grottiness of the house and a bit of (or lot of) gear hanging around!!!! Just swipe off the table and clear a path to it! -
thefu50s June 30, 2012
My resolve has weakened. I’m getting cleaners in again on a fortnightly basis. Lucy and her sister were great but they went back to their home country and then I was cleaner-less by choice. However each time the bathroom reaches my meter-of-grossness I decide it’s time to get a cleaner. Meanwhile a day or two later, suddenly, I’ll just be reading or sitting watching tv, (and it can happen day or night) and I’ll get this niggling thought in my head that I really should clean the bathroom. And the bloody thought won’t go away. It stick in my head obsessively. And then after a while, I give in. Go into the bathroom and stash everything that lives in the bathroom but gets in the way of cleaning it into the hall, start cleaning and it’s non-stop. (I can’t work out how people can just stop cleaning their bathrooms mid clean and answer the phone or god-forbid answer the door because by the time I’m 5 minutes into cleaning the bathroom I’m soaking wet and feeling gross myself). I’m heading for the finish line by then, and then it’s into the shower, wash myself, my hair and get dressed in clean clothes. Wait for the bathroom to dry and move all that stuff I threw in the hall back into the bathroom.
I’ve just written this and I’m exhausted. I hate cleaning the frigging bathroom. I’m waiting for those cleaners that I haven’t employed yet.
-
Lisa July 4, 2012
Reading this has resonated so much and made me feel very happy that living with less than perfection is normal and healthy. I grew up in a house where my mum (who I love dealy) was always on our backs about tidying up (or that is what sticks in my memories). She is very houseproud and our mess, which we didn’t even notice, caused her much anguish. When we three kids were in primary school she even had the house carpeted in an expensive cream wool carpet. Shrieks of, “take your shoes off” every time we entered the house. The paradox is that now she cleans my house for me every two weeks for $50 bucks, bargain! She does an excellent job. Pre-clean clean? You betcha. The rest of the time, we wallow in happy family chaos.
