A HOOTIN’, TOOTIN’ GOOD OLE BOY

Tony Abbott Parliament

Bloody hell, you women never stop.

Tony Abbott gets kicked out of Parliament after ignoring the directions of Anna Burke, the Deputy Speaker of the House, and all of a sudden he’s got a problem with women. Oh boo hoo, shut up and do a wee sitting down! You feminazis see evil lady-haters behind every untrimmed bush.

Tony Abbott ordered from the lower house by Deputy Speaker Anna Burke yesterday. Photograph by Andrew Meares via The Age.

Tony Abbott is a good bloke. He’s a good Aussie bloke. He’s a good Aussie bloke who is fair dinkum on a bike.

He’s exactly like John Wayne if you replace the twelve gallon Stetson and six shooter with lycra tights and a Consumer Safety Standards approved bike helmet. He’s a hootin’, tootin’, rootin’, good ole boy who knows what he knows and knows it’s right because he knows it. (And by rootin’ I mean he thoroughly enjoys barracking at the cricket – not doing dirty grown-up things that would make the baby Jesus cry.)

To prove my point, here is the most stupid argument of all: Abbott has been accused of being ‘too macho’.

Have you women been sniffing the furniture polish again? Macho is what this country is crying out for. We need a straight-talking man of morals who knows right from wrong and black from white. We don’t need all of this intellectual save the trees and pet the whales and love the poor people stuff, we need action!

When Tony got kicked out of Parliament, he went straight to the gym where he no doubt lifted a bunch of heavy things, ran really fast on other things and gave everything else a good whacking. Any other politician would have gone back to his office and done a bit of writing or reading. What a bunch of lacy panty-wearing sissy boys.

Calling Tony Abbott sexist is not fair. He’s just a simple man with simple beliefs caught in a crazy, mixed-up world. He loves women and here’s the proof:

Virginity is “the greatest gift you can give someone, the ultimate gift of giving”.

See? He’s sensitive!  He knows what a lady is worth. Her hymen. Madame Curie may have given the world the gift of the x-ray, but she did us all a far greater service the first time she let Mr Curie do it to her in the nicky-noo-nah.

“To a pregnant 14-year-old struggling to grasp what’s happening, for example [or] a senior student with a whole life mapped out or a mother already failing to cope under difficult circumstances, abortion is the easy way out.”

young girl pregnantWith these words of wisdom, Tony is motivating us ladies by explaining we’ll never get anywhere if we always shy away when things get a little tough. Unwanted pregnancies and the ensuing misery, isolation, lack of opportunity and public shaming they incur should serve as a lesson to all of us.

If we see a few 14-year-old girls’ lives and bodies ruined by becoming mothers before they’re capable of dealing with the responsibility, it’ll teach the rest of us to keep our legs closed.

“I won’t be rushing out to get my daughters vaccinated against cervical cancer.”

Now look, this quote has been taken way out of context. He didn’t say you couldn’t vaccinate your daughters, just that he wouldn’t be doing it to his. If your kids are little whores who buy their clothes from Target, then it’s best to get them shots for everything.  (It’s also a good idea to get them washed down with a high pressure hose on a regular basis.)

But if you have one of those nice “I’m keeping my hymen in my glory box until I get married” daughters, there’s no need to get them vaccinated. God doesn’t give cancer to good girls.

“What the housewives of Australia need to understand as they do the ironing is that if they get it done commercially it’s going to go up in price, and their own power bills when they switch the iron on, are going to go up.”

What’s wrong with telling us women we’re in danger from the carbon tax? Don’t we want a big strong man to look out for us? And, besides, if we’re not doing the ironing, what else are we going to do – sit around all day painting our nails and eating chocolate mousse? Tony was pointing out the valuable contribution ladies make: keeping the world crease free, even when the cloud of a hippy environmental tax hangs over our pretty little heads.

“I take directions from women every day.”

When I saw the Tonemeister say that on the television yesterday, complete with a big cheeky grin on his face, I couldn’t stop giggling. It was a funny joke when he followed up with, “I take orders from my wife and daughters all the time!” The ladies in his life sound so adorable. I bet they boss him around when toilet seats are left up and wet Speedos are left on the bed and I’ll bet he does what he’s told.

Tony takes orders from women every day. Mind you, he didn’t say how well he took it when they did.

The issue isn’t that Tony Abbott has a problem with women.

The issue is that the definition of what a woman is has been broadened to include harpies, nags and childless whores. Anna Burke yells far too much and frankly, the only time a woman should ever yell “Order in the House!” is when she’s telling her children to do the dusting.

Tony believes in an Australia where men are men, women are women and reading the Bible is a lovely way to pass the evening. He’s not used to dealing with women who have more authority than him. You can’t blame him when he gets upset and confused by that – you just need to give him some time to cotton on to the fact that we’re living in a different world now.

Fifty years should do it.

MORE BY CORINNE GRANT 

Knitting a nicer world
This whingeing is a disgrace
Go to jail. Do not send tweet!
Attack of the killer vaginas

 

Corinne Grant*Corinne Grant is a stand-up comedian, MC, presenter, writer, and broadcaster and has performed both nationally and internationally. In addition to her years on Rove Live and The Glasshouse, she has appeared on everything from Spicks and Specks to Dancing With The Stars to Good News Week. She has co-hosted successful national radio shows, performed countless solo live shows and appeared everywhere from the Sydney Opera House to the Kalgoorlie Arts Centre. Corinne’s first book, Lessons In Letting Go: Confessions of a Hoarder (Allen and Unwin) was released in September 2010 and went into reprint just months after its release.

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