Your weekly Hoopla Horoscopes, brought to you by prophet, astrologer and natural-born storyteller, Rob Brezsny.
Week beginning December 6, 2012
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): If you thoroughly shuffle a deck of cards, the novel arrangement you create is probably unique in all of human history; its specific order has never before occurred. I suspect the same principle applies to our lives: Each new day brings a singular set of circumstances that neither you nor anyone else in the last 10,000 years has ever had the pleasure of being challenged and intrigued by. There is always some fresh opportunity, however small, that is being offered you for the first time. I think it’s important for you to keep this perspective in mind during the coming week. Be alert for what you have never seen or experienced before.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): I wish I could do more than just fantasize about helping you achieve greater freedom. In my dreams, I am obliterating delusions that keep you moored to false idols. I am setting fire to the unnecessary burdens you lug around. And I am tearing you away from the galling compromises you made once upon a time in order to please people who don’t deserve to have so much power over you. But it’s actually a good thing I can’t just wave a magic wand to make all this happen. Here’s a much better solution: You will clarify your analysis of the binds you’re in, supercharge your willpower, and liberate yourself.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): In his book Even Cowgirls Get the Blues, Tom Robbins talks about a gourmet who “gave up everything, traveled thousands of miles and spent his last dime to get to the highest lamasery in the Himalayas to taste the dish he’d longed for his whole life, Tibetan peach pie. When he got there . . . the lamas said they were all out of peach. ‘Okay,’ said the gourmet, ‘make it apple.'” I suspect you’ll be having a comparable experience sometime soon, Aquarius. You may not get the exact treat you wanted, but what you’ll receive in its place is something that’s pretty damn good. I urge you to accept the gift as is!
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): “Having ‘a sense of self’ means possessing a set of stories about who we are,” according to William Kittredge in his book The Nature of Generosity. He says there are two basic types of stories: The first is “cautionary tales, which warn us” and therefore protect us. The second consists of “celebratory” tales, which we use to heal and calm ourselves. I believe that you Pisceans are now in a phase when you primarily need celebratory stories. It’s time to define yourself with accounts of what you love and value and regard as precious.
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Spencer Silver was a co-inventor of Post-it notes, those small, colorful pieces of paper you can temporarily attach to things and then remove to use again and again. Speaking about the process he went through to develop this simple marvel, he said, “If I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can’t do this.” I’d like to make him your patron saint for the next few weeks, Aries. Like him, you now have the chance to make practical breakthroughs that may have seemed impossible, or at least unlikely. Ignore conventional wisdom — including your own. Trust your mischievous intuition.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): The axolotl is a kind of salamander that has an extraordinary capacity for regenerating itself. If it loses a leg in an accident, it will grow a new one in its place. It can even fix its damaged organs, including eyes, heart, and brain. And get this: There’s never any scar tissue left behind when its work is done. Its power to heal itself is pretty much perfect. I nominate the axolotl to be your power animal in the coming weeks, Taurus. According to my reading of the astrological omens, you now have an extraordinary ability to restore any part of your soul that got hurt or stolen or lost.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): In the coming months, I hope that you will get sweet revenge. In fact, I predict that you will get sweet revenge. Keep in mind that I’m not talking about angry, roaring vindication. I don’t mean you will destroy the reputations of your adversaries or reduce them to humiliating poverty or laugh at them as they grovel for mercy while lying in a muddy gutter. No, Gemini. The kind of revenge I foresee is that you will achieve a ringing triumph by mastering a challenge they all believed would defeat you. And your ascent to victory starts now.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): I would love to speak with you about your hesitancy to fully confront your difficulties. But I will not speak forthrightly, since I’m pretty sure that would irritate you. It might even motivate you to procrastinate even further. So instead I will make a lame joke about how if you don’t stop avoiding the obvious, you will probably get bitten in the butt by a spider. I will try to subtly guilt-trip you into taking action by implying that I’ll be annoyed at you if you don’t. I will wax sarcastic and suggest that maybe just this once, ignorance is bliss. Hopefully that will nudge you into dealing straightforwardly with the unrest that’s burbling.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): “Drama is life with all the boring parts cut out of it,” said Leo filmmaker Alfred Hitchcock. By that criterion, I’m guessing that your experience in the coming week will have a high concentration of magic and stimulation. You should be free from having to slog through stale details and prosaic storylines. Your word of power will be succulence. For best results, I suggest you take active control of the unfolding adventures. Be the director and lead actor in your drama, not a passive participant who merely reacts to what the other actors are doing.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): One of my spiritual teachers once told me that a good spiritual teacher makes an effort not to seem too perfect. She said some teachers even cultivate odd quirks and harmless failings on purpose. Why? To get the best learning experience, students must be discouraged from over-idealizing the wise advisors they look up to. It’s crucial they understand that achieving utter purity is impossible and unrealistic. Being perceived as an infallible expert is dangerous for teachers, too; it makes them prone to egotistical grandiosity. I bring this up, Virgo, because it’s an excellent time to reduce the likelihood that you’ll be seduced by the illusion of perfection.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): This would be a good week to talk to yourself far more than you usually do. If you’re the type of person who never talks to yourself, this is a perfect time to start. And I do mean that you should speak the words out loud. Actually address yourself with passionate, humorous, ironic, sincere, insightful comments, as you would any person you care about. Why am I suggesting this? Because according to my interpretation of the astrological omens, you would benefit from the shock of literally hearing how your mind works. Even more importantly: The cheerleading you do, the encouragement you deliver, and the motivational speeches you give would have an unusually powerful impact if they were audibly articulated.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): In the fairy tale “Beauty and the Beast,” a grotesque human-like creature hosts the heroine in his home, treating her like a queen. She accepts his hospitality but rejects his constant requests to marry him. Eventually, he collapses from heartache. Moved by the depth of his suffering, she breaks into tears and confesses her deep affection for him. This shatters the spell and magically transforms the Beast back into the handsome prince he originally was. Your life may have parallels to this story in the coming months, Scorpio. You might be tested. Can you discern the truth about a valuable resource that doesn’t look very sexy? Will you be able to see beauty embedded in a rough or shabby form?
*Rob Brezsny is an aspiring master of curiosity, perpetrator of sacred uproar, and founder of Free Will Astrology. As much a storyteller and prophet as astrologer, Brezsny brings a literate, myth-savvy perspective to his work. In its profile of Brezsny, the New York Timesquoted a reader who compared his writing to that of the novelist Tom Robbins. The horoscopes “are like little valentines, buoyant and spilling over with mischievousness. They’re a soul prognosis.”
© Copyright 2012 Rob Brezsny