MY FRIEND IS A KEPT WOMAN
The older we get the more women share.
While men may communicate with one another via references to their own successes, women do so with stories of their own imperfections; farting at a dinner with the in-laws, investing in BETA video in the eighties, attending a work function with the back of your dress accidentally tucked into your undies.
By your mid forties a woman might consider it fair to imagine she knows pretty much everything about her gal pals. That’s why I was so taken aback when recently retrenched Linny announced to our gaggle that she’d found the ultimate answer to ‘life, purpose and our search for love’… by deciding to become a kept woman.
“I need money. Men want sex. I’ve decided to become a mistress,” Linny blurted.
“Mistress? Don’t you mean prostitute?” asked Clara (wife of a doofus millionaire, mother of four, thinks having your hair blow dried straight is hard work.) “You can’t sleep with someone for financial support.”
“Why not? You do.”
“That’s different, I’m married. And besides you’ll get emotionally attached to anyone you sleep with.”
“Why will I? You haven’t.”
“I’ve been married so long I’m immune to my husband. But most women are genetically programmed to fall in love when they have sex.”
“That’s why I need the financial exchange, to remove all emotion from the interaction.”
“Well if you must do it, I suggest you avoid being arrested by requesting payment in the from of things you need, rather than cold, hard cash.”
“You mean things like a new toaster?”
“I guess I do, but unless you value you’re sexual performance at $49.50 I suggest you aim a little higher.”

Linny is single. When she got divorced her husband sued her for alimony. She’s raised three, now grown-up children on her own. Linny is strong and independent, the kind of woman men like to flirt with as an arousing challenge but not settle down with (for precisely the same reason.)
Being determined Linny further researched her ‘kept woman’ idea with Colin, her neighbour, whom she dated briefly before discovering St John’s wart offered better emotional comfort.
“I’ve decided to have sex for money.”
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15 Responses to this article
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Eat, drink and be Kerry October 12, 2012
Love it – thanks for the laugh Gretel.
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Jenny M October 12, 2012
Literally laughed out loud, thank you for the Friday morning giggle!
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Liz October 12, 2012
Loved it Gretel. Keep them coming.
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Louisa October 12, 2012
Linny could me me, why can’t I be you and write such funny columns!
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Gill October 12, 2012
St John’s WORT, not wart. LOL.
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Annie Also October 12, 2012
‘front bottom’???? Really?
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ro.watson October 12, 2012
my comment was rubbed from under me. Typical..
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ro.watson October 12, 2012
What I was saying was I have had companion lovers for most of my adult life…the last 5 years have had me pathologised, gossiped about and betrayed~ that weird notion and expert use by ex leaves me feeling disused~ gossip and isolation~ not good ..
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ro.watson October 12, 2012
every relationship we enter into involves our self~ I am not so bitter~ reflecting back at the huge emotional investment day to day, night and night~I know I gave what I could~ and did not expect a lot from a “busy” working lover~ I suppose I am supposed to feel grateful for any attention paid to me~ but I don’t when that attention was negative, damaging and delivered with ,um narcissism..after her day’s work~ trending outwards on me as some excess burden~ quite unbeknownest at the time,by me~ but heard so much since
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Sara October 13, 2012
Loved this, Gretel! There are no replacements for girlfriends, especially men!
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Jac October 15, 2012
Thanks Gretel..Incisive and witty – laughed a lot.
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Kim McGuinness October 17, 2012
Great laugh and very valid point! Thanks Gretel.
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ellenni October 20, 2012
i have been a kept woman for 48 years and we have both benefitted from the arrangement.
its wonderful to have all these shared ups downs and the memories we share are gold. we fit together and its a very good fit.
girlfriends are great and have many with whom i also have golden memories and i love a them all but i cant cuddle up to them at night. enough said i think.















