I’m trying to write porn. It’s not going very well. My goal was to write some erotica and make millions of dollars but all I’ve scribbled so far is Fifty Shades of Dismay.
A girl I know writes erotica in her novels and said she gets quite turned on as she types. In stark contrast my writing makes me feel newly pregnant (you know, a little bit nauseous.) Rather than being an aphrodisiac my writing is more of a chastity belt.
I think there are several problems with my sexual literary tome; my characters, my plots … and the fact that I’m a prude. The prude bit is not my fault, it’s definitely my mum’s. She’s the one who taught me about ‘Willy’s and What Nots’ using a frozen pink doughnut and a zucchini wrapped in a clingwrap condom secured with a bulldog clip.
However it’s my fault that I’ve subsequently parlayed my learned prudishness into my writing. Unfortunately not because the style is reminiscent of a ‘librarian ready to rip her dark rimmed bi-focals from her otherwise hidden seductive eyes’, but more because of my complete inability to talk or write about sex with any frankness, openness or words currently used in the English vernacular.
To this day I can’t even say the ‘p’ word ( penis) or the ‘v’ word (vagina). And I can’t imagine ever, ever using terms like ‘throbbing member’ or ‘pendulous breasts’ or describing any level of arousal in a ‘pp’ (private part).
The other problem is that I actually don’t find erotic sexual clichés arousing. Some women don’t. Rather than being turned on by the thought of being hurled about like we’re auditioning as gymnasts for Cirque Du Soleil, we want complete silence and no distractions whatsoever (so that we can concentrate on sucking our stomachs in while willing our bosoms to rise and be pert.)
I know I may be out of the loop (I’m possibly at the age where the greatest advantage of sex is that it allows me to check the ceiling for cobwebs). But apparently there’s an epidemic of people tying each other up and saying ‘Do it to me big boy’ and I just don’t understand this.
I mean surely it’s exciting the first time you hang from the chandelier wearing nothing but a moose head, but the second time isn’t it all a bit hum drum (unless the chandelier falls)?
Isn’t it the unpredictable, the out of the norm, the surprise that’s exciting? Surely that’s why the apparent biggest turn on is sex with a stranger.
In fact scientific studies have shown that no matter what sexual extravagance you pursue it will become dull and need to be regularly upgraded. A guy I heard about was into S & M and in his quest for ‘the new and arousing’ went, in just a few short months, from being tied to the bed with elaborate knots, to tying his own ‘p’ ( penis) in a bow.
I’ve tried watching porn films and videos to get inspiration but the online sites created by amateurs have all the class and eroticism of raw sausages wrestling. And the professional videos are worse.
They do a disservice to all men and women because the females’ overzealous and often inappropriate moaning and groaning has made generations of males feel this is normal female sexual behaviour, thus forcing many a simple woman to perform sexually at home as though she were having an exorcism.
Yes, there’s definitely something stopping me from writing hot blooded, sweaty literature about ‘fb’s (front bottoms.) In fact I find myself so reluctant to write about sex that my novel so far is 300 pages long and I’m still establishing the lead characters who haven’t actually met. If they were casting the film version at this point the lead would be played by Dame Judi Dench.
My friends have suggested I need to abandon the sexual clichés and write about the fantasies of people like them. Reluctantly I’ve decided to give it a go. So far the story revolves around a Latino pool cleaner whose shirt gets so wet he has to take it off. He comes into the house and puts it in the dryer. While he waits for the cycle to finish he prepares a meal of salted hot chips and chocolate coated chocolate. He puts it on the kitchen bench, does the washing up and then leaves. Alone, the woman of the house eats the entire meal and doesn’t gain a gram.
It’s a perfect female fantasy! Though I do confess some chocolate does accidentally dribble onto her ‘c word’ (chin).
* cover image via amurderofmemes.blogspot.com
MORE ARTICLES BY GRETEL KILLEEN
*Gretel has written more then twenty books, worked as a journalist, radio host, TV host, voice artist, stand up comic, film director and doco maker, and has proudly raised her now adult children as a single mum. Gretel is a communications adviser with Gretel Killeen Communications. This is the first in a series of stories about searching for the meaning of life. You can follow her on twitter @gretelkilleen.