THE DATING PROJECT#15. RSVP
Plenty of action this week, with Eloise out on her very first internet date. And Lou Lou negotiating a second encounter with the strange and slippery Man#7 – and quite a wrestling act that turned out to be.
But Astrid is taking time out because real life is just too hard at the moment. That’s just fine. She’ll be back with the team when the dust settles.
It’s not always so easy for the three women to find time for dating each week, let alone to write about it. So now that we are well into the third month of the project we’ve decided to change the format a little. After this week we’ll only bring you updates from the girls’ adventures when there’s real action to report.
That will ease the strain on the team and make sure the project remains fun for all concerned and entertaining for our readers.
So here’s Eloise:
Stop the presses. I’ve just had an RSVP date! And already he’s announced he’s taken his profile down. What is this? Does this mean we’re an item already? Help, not sure how to deal with this.
To begin at the beginning the date went really well! I had had the morning from hell for various reasons and as I was frantically blow-drying my hair and deciding what to wear, I was thinking “What am I thinking? Going off to meet a strange man in this state?” I managed to brush these thoughts aside, concentrating on putting on my makeup, which I always find a very calming ritual. I was running late (appalling behaviour on a first date) but I texted him and he was OK with that. So with a lot of deep breathing I set off, dressed in jeans, a flattering coat and not too much lippy.
I didn’t have unrealistic expectations on the looks front – having been warned by Bettina about this. However, I was pleasantly surprised – he looked better than his photos.
My choice of venue (Art Gallery) worked on all fronts. I felt protected by the low lighting, his nerves settled down and we had something to talk about other than ourselves to break the ice. At times he would come and find me “Come and look at this!” or we both would shrug at some mind-boggling, endless video. I was also aware that it gave him a chance to observe me without me having to ‘perform’.
Next we moved on to coffee. I felt very easy in his company, which is good because I have rather a lot of stress going on in my life right now and wasn’t feeling too relaxed. One of the reasons I had decided to meet him was that when we spoke on the phone he somehow felt familiar and we laughed a lot – a good vibe that was also there when I was with him.
He then suggested a walk in the Botanical Gardens, as he used to go there when he was a child. Various landmarks became a sort of tour guide to our past, with him telling me about his memories of being with his Mum and siblings in the park and taking me to a tree that he used to take his kids to when they were little. I took him to my favourite haunts.
Information gathering from both of us was effortless. By the time we left, I knew plenty about his parents, his siblings, his kids, and his past relationships – as he did about mine, although I admit I may have been a bit more circumspect.
I didn’t feel that he was trying to impress me, in fact quite the reverse. He seemed authentic and really keen. By the time he suggested dinner I ended up declining because I felt he was a bit smitten and I need to take my time. I was also exhausted as work is grueling right now but we’re meeting for lunch next week and I am looking forward to our next date. But I must say I was thrown when he told me he’d taken his profile down. Tell me, all you experienced internet daters, what do I do now? Is it ok that I keep looking – just in case?
As for Mr Foxxy from NZ, I am unimpressed by his lack of communication. Hardly any emails or phone calls. When I did call I was greeted with “Hello, my darling girlfriend” but when I mentioned that I’d appreciate a phone call, the response was, “I’m a boy! We’re notorious for not keeping in touch.” “Man up!” I say. Not interested in boys – particularly 60 year old ones. On your bike, Mr Foxxy!
Bettina says: Yes, I know how awkward it can be when a date immediately announces he’s taking down his profile. There’s such an expectation that you will do likewise. And you can bet your bottom dollar that he’ll be keeping an eye on your profile to see if you are still active (although what makes the whole business rather confusing is people can appear to be still on the hunt when all they are doing is saying ‘thanks but no thanks’ to unwanted kisses.) It’s not easy. But I would love to hear what our readers have to say about this sticky territory.
Rob says: Sounds more like a well-choreographed ballet than a first date. I can definitely understand why your suave suitor wanted to take down his profile after returning from your romantic get-together. I have the impression that he was enchanted by your warm and gracious manner as your date unfolded. It’s much easier for a man to share himself openly and authentically when a woman is oozing effortless self-confidence. Lovely work, Eloise.
Now for Lou Lou’s latest adventure:
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20 Responses to this article
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Hawkesbury Lass August 17, 2012
The #7 guy reminds me of a bloke I met online. After a lunch date, in a local cafe filled with people I knew, he called and tried to invite himself over for dinner and scrabble. I compromised with a drink at the pub. After that I knew it wasn’t going anywhere so I gently emailed to say thanks, but no thanks. His response: I hadn’t given the relationship my full attention, but he was convinced I was the one, so was prepared to take it slow: “no pressure”. Thank goodness he only had my mobile number!
The movie date is a good idea – if you like movies. It helps you work out, slowly, if you feel comfortable sitting next to someone and rule them out if they chat, eat smelly food, or put their feet on the back of the person in front of them.
My advice on the profile thing? You aren’t under any obligation to take yours down whatsoever, but it’s really nice when a man does that for you. My partner of two years took his down within half an hour of getting home from our second impromptu date. Me noticing that he had, and saying so, was the start of a nice conversation (and I said I might consider taking mine down and did after the third). Even if it’s only to pause the traffic, going dark online does create space for a new thing to start.
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miss milu! August 17, 2012
“Woody Allwn on speed”! Genius Rob!! I completely agree he’s got an anxious attachment style. That was the first thing that came to mind reading about him. And he seems VERY anxious!! As for taking down a profile so quick? Hmmm could be a worry. Great he kniws what he wants but perhaps a sign of not maintaining healthy boundaries. Reminds me of the saying ‘instamacy’ or our desire for instant intimacy. I dated a guy online who did this and as nice as he was it was an indicator he wanted a commitment or relationship with ANYONE. Not necessarily me. Kinda desperate and creepy. A lot to be said for pacing yourselves ladies! Xx
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susan August 17, 2012
Eloise, regarding the profile, I imagine this man has been on a lot of dates and may have kissed a few ogres looking for his princess. Consequently, through trial and error, he now knows what he wants and he knows when he’s found it. I think disabling his profile is a nice gesture, he’s saying to you that he’d like to give you his sole attention and see what develops. Too often men are always keeping their options open and seeing if someone better comes along.
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VRog August 17, 2012
I agree with Hawkesbury Lass and Susan re him taking down his profile. I think it’s lovely that he wants to hit pause on internet dating for awhile to see what happens with you. I can’t see any harm in you doing the same for a few weeks to see what happens. Internet dating will always be there if it doesn’t work out
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Bee August 18, 2012
Elouise – I have to admit I was suspicious about Mr Foxxy from the start. Holiday romances are lovely and seem to usually be best left at that. Sounds like such a nice first date, a nostaligic walk through the botanic gardens. I also agree that giving him focussed attention for a while – as you genuinely seem to like him – doesn’t mean you are shutting down all options for the future if it doesn’t work out.
Lou Lou – I remember a guy in highschool who I had just met and we went out to a party that night and he introduced me as his ‘fly girl’ (it was the early 90′s after all) to everyone we met and kept putting his arm around me. It was one of the most confusing and disorienting experiences I had ever had. I really didn’t like him at all and was making it pretty clear by escaping every attempted embrace and saying quite plainly – I am not your girlfriend. He kept calling me the next day and for days after that acting like we were a couple (I think my friends gave him my number).. I didn’t even know his last name or where he lived. It was not fun and eventually he did give up.
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lynda August 18, 2012
I recently went on a date…he lived with his daughter, her husband and their 3 kids and expects to find a lady who would be happy to do this………NOT ME!!!
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Bettina Arndt August 19, 2012
Of course you will meet unsuitable men. You should hear some of the stories men tell me about the women on RSVP – it works both ways! But I think it is far better to have a long phonecall and find out this type of information that way than finding yourself actually out on a date with someone who just doesn’t work for you.
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Chris August 19, 2012
For a woman who enjoys smother love, rat tat tat texting [read continual checking up on ] anxious men who don’t respect boundaries, then this fellow would be ideal. I have a friend who met a man exactly like this online, he wanted to marry within months, she stalled for some years, she asked for space, he agreed but then didn’t stick to it. Long story short – they married. 6 years later, he still disrespects her boundaries, takes no or little notice of what she wants and calls and texts her all day at work. She is trapped now as she has kids, a massive mortgage he insisted on, massive house to maintain [she wanted apartment, stuck in the suburbs [she wanted inner city] but he earns the bog money. He is anxious because women in his life kept trying to keep their distance because he was so demanding – starting with his mother, who has a very cool appraisal of him, but an accurate one. Unlike my friend who thought he might mellow with the commitment of marriage and children, I never believed it. Psychologists can be optimists at $250 a hour. No one at that age had a personality transplant that fundamental. The sad part is, the harder they clutch at someone, the more desperate you become to get away. Note carefully the abuse, character assassination etc within minutes or a few hours of not getting exactly what he wants. Now imagine a life time of it!
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Sere August 19, 2012
Here come my comments.
Bet you have been waiting for them LOL.
Eloise,
That guy must have felt very relaxed in your company.
He must have felt that you connect well and you understand him.
It will be interesting to see that, if him taking his profile down is a sign of him moving too quickly because of possessiveness or because he is genuinely interested in a healthy way. -
Mary August 19, 2012
I have been following the dating project and the posts for the past three months (I am in the over 50 bracket). I have dabbled with RSVP and met several kind men. I live in Perth and wish I could meet some of the men mentioned by The Hunstress (altho from descriptions wonder if indeed I have). I think that many of the men in this age bracket are terrified and probably rightly so of the confident women. I met a man today and he was so gentle and kind I thought it would drive me nuts in a very short period of time (another friend – I guess). As for children I have a friend (male) with two teenage daughetrs he has week about. he has been on RSVP for six years following up every possibility and women run a mile – even though he is more than capable.
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Sere August 19, 2012
And Lou Lou,
You did accept some anxious behaviour on the first date with man # 7, so when you were trying to organise a second date, he thought he would let more and more of it loose as time went on, to see how much more of it you would put up with (even if he did that sub-consciously).
It is good that you are not taking anymore of this behaviour, as showing compassion and giving a second chance to the men you go on dates with is a completely different thing from allowing them to be abusive and invade your boundaries.It’s a spendid thing to have the repect to look after our emotions and ourselves when relating to people.
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Nicki August 20, 2012
His taking down his profile is a lovely gesture but does not necessarily mean anything, yet. Don’t take your profile down until you know you are in a relationship but let him know that you won’t be dating others if that is true. Don’t limit your options until you also feel right about him. He shouldnt make you feel obligated to do so and respect your need to go slower.
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Jackie August 21, 2012
Sounds like a lovely date and mirrors one I had to the letter.
I think taking down the profile after the first date is, however a little hasty. The folk that I have seen do this have been impetuous. I would be concerned regarding his personality and believe that its much better to have a few dates, be able to compare, have the discussion and then take your profile down. One of you could display some traits on date two that could cause you having regrets by taking your profile down. Just remember, Its a deeper attraction that youre after…a freinds first policy and not just an initial attraction. -
John February 10, 2013
Hey girls, there’s often a simple and straightforward explanation for men offlining their profiles (probably applies to women too). Perhaps I should mention at this point that I’m well into the 50+ age range. Younger folk may (and probably do) behave differently.
Around 2 weeks ago I received an RSVP kiss. I pored over her profile and compatibility-wise she ticked most of the boxes. The usual ritual ensued; email exchanges, followed by telephone exchanges, followed by a meet-up. We’re still ‘discovering’ each other but I had a problem; during this 2 week period I received 7 ‘kisses’ from other women. I sent polite ‘thanks-but-no-thanks’ autoresponders and took my profile offline. Why? Because I have neither the time, need nor inclination to engage in 7 simultaneous contact exchanges. Crikey, by the time I get home from work and prepare a meal, I find it difficult to maintain contact with 1 person far less 7! Imagine if I did build multiple contacts and, say, 3 of the 7 came close to the dating stage. I think I’d have to become a very good liar very quickly. That wouldn’t sit comfortably with me and that’s another reason why I wouldn’t let it happen.
Should my current embryonic relationship come to nothing, my profile goes back online and I become proactive again. Lots of water, plenty of fish etc. -
Susan February 16, 2013
Well, sad to say that I didn’t even get to that stage and the profile was taken down. I’ve been raising a family for many years so didn’t feel I could offer enough time to a partner so I made myself a happy single. I’ve always looked after myself and my children keep saying that its time for their mum to find love again. So after finally getting the courage up to take a scroll through RSVP ( my friends recommended tthis dating site ) I found myself reading all these stories from men who all seemed so lonely and just looking for someone caring and normal to share their life with. I scrolled and scrolled and scrolled and read waiting for a spark when I saw this face, a kind smiling face of a widower age 49, star sign Cancer, a dad, with the heading ” WALTER493 ” from Melbourne. I had this instant spark, butterflies in my stomach, the whole giddy girl thing. It has been a loooooong time since I have felt this way, actually only once in my lifetime and I married him : ) Well, I kept logging in to see his face and to read his story when 3 days later I finally got the courage to sign up but it was too late. He had disappeared, his profile had been taken down. Strangest thing as I’m not into the dating, meeting men a man at any cost type of thing and its been many years since I’ve been romantic or had romantic thoughts but I can’t get his picture out of my head, I think about him everyday. Well, hopefully he found love first up and respectfully took down his profile to give that love a shot but I also hope that if it doesn’t work out then his profile will return to RSVP and I will then join up and send him a kiss. But for now ill just stay happy single and visit the site every now again just incase he returns and it is my fate to meet him : )
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peta February 16, 2013
I’ve used RSVP and have – after the obligatory emails – these are essential as a few quick exchanges and you can ‘tell’ if you have some commonalities. Then met them at a coffee house – there’s been strange loves and some have remained friends – as we like each other but the “cha ching” is not there. I trust the “chaching”. Anyway as regards the de-profiling – i had one man who continually asked me if i’d taken my profile down after 2 meetings. He kept asking me if I was being ‘faithful’ FREEKY – we did not remain friends
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Sid February 19, 2013
Personally i find dating sites full of lies and deceit.Men out number women 100-20.Most of the men are either married or players out for sex.The women get bombarded with so much attention it goes to their heads and they become rude thinking they have more men than they know what to do with.The women almost never pay on RSVP and expect the men to buy stamps and reply to a kiss welcoming a email and when 1 is sent either never reply or return maybe a short sentence.I think they are all looking for either Brad Pit or George Clooney i mean hello ? if they could pull the likes of these guys they wouldn’t need to be on an internet website.I have also experienced women with a profile saying they are in 1 place only to find after contact they are in Jakarta or Thailand.Like i said lies and deceit.And girls what is that all about when you state you are average or slim and in person are clearly a size 16-18 ?????.
Maybe i sound bitter but it all boils down to courtesy and honesty and treating people as they want to be treated which is clearly lacking on dating websites.
