• Wonderful. I always ask myself will someone die if I fuck up? Will it matter in 3 months? And who fucking cares? Works for me. The swearing part is important apparently. ;-) x - Michaela C
  • Our focus on women and children and their difficulties ignores the elephant in the room. Where is the father/partner in this equation? Where is the support, financial responsibilty, active participation and general parental sharing by partners/fathers? Where are they all? Why has the focus on women and children left them invisible and unaccountable? Is it because we don't expect men to take care of their responsibilities, or is it too hard any issue to deal with? I fully acknowledge that there are many exceptions, including death of a partner, abuse and violence, and other diverse reasons, but is there no way we can broaden the debate to include the responsibilities of partners/fathers? Just a thought. - Nel Matheson
  • Can we please clarify that not all single parent families were moved from PPS to Newstart - only those who were grandfathered by the Howard government when they brought in the changes many moons ago. It was Howard and his cronies that singled out and privileged a group of single parents, allowing them to recevie more than anyone in similar circumstances who didn't benefit from the grandfathering, or never received PPS in the first place (Not everyone's marriage ends before their youngest child turns eight). While I don't believe that Newstart is sufficient to live on and raise children easily I am very much against this focus that has been placed and what is in reality a small group of people. How about fighting to put everyone on PPS or to increase Newstart rather than just a few. - Carz
  • Well spoken, Vanessay. I cringe when I hear people go on about single mothers. As if it's only the mothers who deserve the social stigmatization and the husbands, boyfriends, partners don't. And as if the two parent family is so perfect. As if no two parent family lives off the taxpayer or eats junk food. But more important than the social stigma that attaches itself to their children is the poverty that disadvantages them and how it can be transmitted to the next generation. Many single mothers are close to the bread line and that's not good enough. Do we want them on the street? How would that look? It's no better than kicking someone when they're down. Un-Australian. - Rhoda
  • I was just going to comment on the same thing! I worked on my first Apple computer in 1989, aged 20 - and they have the hide to say over 40 is too old to learn? We've "grown up" with computers too - they just can't do the maths. - HellB
  • We give aid to overseas countries to strengthen the education of women and female children so that future generations in those countries are not raised in poverty. The single most important factor contributing to low birth rate is education, yet we defund single mums in our own country so that their education and that of their children remains at a low level thereby perpetuating the poverty/ young mother cycle. Three stories from my life. Mother A became a single Mum when her husband was killed crossing the road at work to get his lunch. Mother B became a single M um when her husband was stung by numerous large ants while at work (anaphylactic shock) and Mother C's husband said "goodbye, I love you, I'll see you tonight" and got on a plane, flew interstate and texted her to tell her he'd had enough. That Mum has 5 kids, one with a disability. Furthermore, the waiting rooms of the oncology and specialties dealing with kids with disabilities like autism at the Children's Hospitals are full of single Mums whose partners have "had enough". There are also women and children who will lose their lives because they are too afraid to leave abusive situations because of the this constant putting down of women who access benefits and fear that they will not be able to survive on the benefit if they are able to muster the courage to leave. These are the mums these government decisions are hurting, not the VERY few Mums who think they can keep having kids to keep getting benefits. People who are determined not to work will always find a way not to work. The whole thing is demeaning to single parents and to women in our "advanced" country. - vanessay
  • Great article. Regarding Newstart and the $35 a day question - I have experience of living on this and came across this equally relevant blogpost regarding the topic - http://50shadesofunemployment.blogspot.com.au/2013/01/australia-on-35-day.html - Antonio
  • Jack, sorry had to laugh. Now where do I start. Are you saying the UN should take on China, India and the rest and play policeman? How? With guns or a rolling pin? No man is an island. The earth has to be shared. People migrate or flee their country of birth for any number of reasons and have been doing so since they discovered the world wasn't flat. Before that even. Tightening border security correspondingly attracts criminals into people smuggling. Because they can make money out of it. Economic migrants needs a legal channel to enter this country and the quota needs to be the number that deters illegal entry. We are lucky that geography prevents immigration en masse. There are only so many planes that can land immigrants in one year and so many boats that can land on our beaches. And it's a long walk across desert from the Kimberleys to Sydney and Melbourne if they did. You're safe Jack. - Rhoda
  • Mmmm. When I turned fifty, I received in the mail: Depend samples, a Lifeline keyring, and of course that bowel cancer detection kit. From telemarketers, how I love those calls asking me to consider the purchase of a funeral plan. When I pick up the phone I live in hope it's a job interview request. But no - more often it's the funeral plan. On TV, there they are again. Those lovely ads starring "us oldies" promoting: dentures, more funeral plans, more incontinence pads - it goes on. What we need is a federal politician (non-gender-specific) to make a long and tearful speech about age-discrimination. The higher profile of the politician, the better. That way it could go viral, just like that popular speech about misogyny. Ad campaign sorted. I wait in hope. - Hilary
  • Fussy! Ruth, I am 50 and applying for any job - from the bottom up. Is being a Lollipop Lady fussy? I have qualifications, skills, experience. I only just got my degree last year (I'm a slow learner, and it was merely a bucket-listed thing - boring I know). As a child of hard-yakka Italian migrant parents who've never needed to take any kind of pension in their lives, and know they never will - I find it tiring to hear the term "fussy" used in regard to the mature age jobseeker problem. Fussy - is the term that best describes ageist recruiters, and the younger employees who refuse to work alongside older recruits (and their "old daggy ways"). The related term "Job-Snob" has arisen lately as well. Easy terminology used across the media by myopic politicians (et al) needing to divert attention from actual causes of issues (like age discrimination). And they now have the factual research to prove its existence. The media/political/community demonisation of older job seekers/welfare recipients, is the elephant in the room, that's allowed age-discrimination practices to proceed unchecked by the powers that be - in the first place! What don't you understand about the Age Discrimination Act? It is easily reached online (via the Australian High Commission for Human Rights website). Cheers, Maria. - Maria
 
4
Categories:  In The Arena, The Dating Project, Wellbeing

THE DATING PROJECT #12. ACTION!

By Bettina Arndt
July 27, 2012

The Dating Project follows the adventures of three women Lou Lou ( 30s), Astrid (40s) and Eloise (50s) as they navigate the tricky online dating scene. Along the way they have the support and advice of renowned sex therapist Bettina Arndt and relationship counsellor Rob Tiller.

 

From Here to Eternity… maybe?

Wow, sexy week with both Lou Lou and Eloise getting some action. More about that later…

But also plenty of excitement all around with the team chatting on radio programs across Australia about their adventures. It was great fun – go here if you’d like to hear their voices.

The big thrill was that after a very lively talk-back program with James Valentine on Sydney’s ABC 702 involving Lou Lou, Astrid and me, all three of us attracted potential suitors keen to get in touch!

Lou Lou’s admirer was particularly enterprising, wooing her through last week’s comments section in The Dating Project. We’ll keep you posted on how this all develops but sadly my suitor was 52 and 5’7” – not quite what I have in mind.

It was interesting to see the reaction of the various interviewers to the girls’ progress. One woman was most surprised to hear how long it was taking to actually go out on dates. Obviously she didn’t understand that internet dating, particularly for many in the older age groups, is more of a marathon than a sprint. An ultra-marathon, adds Astrid.

But that’s how it should be… taking time to make contact, to start chatting or emailing, and then gradually leading up to phone contact and perhaps the coffee date. This gradual approach works well – with the various stages helping people find their feet step by step.

And besides… we all have very busy lives alongside the world of dating. This means the whole process has to be squeezed in, with snatched kisses late at night, emailing at lunchtime, checking mail on iPhones on the run.

So we feel the team is making good progress and we’re far too worldly-wise to expect the business of finding Mr Maybe to be a pushover.

As for my new Dating Advice Service, there’s been plenty of interest but do get in touch if you’d like some help in getting started with internet dating or revamping your profile.

But now, here’s Lou Lou and the Boy:

Man #6, in truth is probably Boy #1 – seven years younger than me and looking every bit of it. Yet he has something many men my age or older don’t seem to have, and that’s the art of banter. God, he is good! And I met him through a friend of a friend. Even better!

But let me show you where Boy #1 separates himself from the men. It goes like this: A boy texts, a man calls. And after getting naked with this boy, you would think that I deserve more than a text!

STOP THE PRESS PEOPLE – I GOT SOME ACTION!!

Oh yes, I got jiggy with it. I actually got a real kiss… and then some! I’m not going to lie, it was grrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaattttttttt. He was an awesome kisser. In fact, I would put him in the Top 5. And I don’t say that lightly.

But before we go on… allow me to vent about modern technology and its ability to draw out the coward in all of us. It’s particularly painful when in the ‘something’ phase with ‘someone’.  It’s not a relationship, it’s not seeing someone… it’s just ‘something’.

Texting is rife in this tenuous stage. I find it as dangerous as an Afghan safety zone, yet it can also be strangely safe – because you hide behind emoticons and the lag of mobile networks.

Here’s an example…

Man/boy #6 sends a text message 3 days after spending the night with me – standard practice, so no alarm bells are ringing.

I respond 10 minutes later (I don’t believe in playing games).

After 32 hours and counting, I am yet to receive a text from him (I dive into a mild panic and convince myself that Man/Boy #6 has retrospectively found me, and my body, horrendously offensive and undeserving of a text response).

We are now 48 hours and counting – there is still no response. (I have had a small teary while washing my hair).

It is 3pm and I am late to an advertising seminar on the future. I snake my way through rows and rows of seated people with their knobbly knees to find a spare seat. Who do I sit next to? OH YES IT IS MAN/BOY #6!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think: How funny. He must also be interested in the future. Not ours. But the future. Clearly not ours. Because I can see he is holding a fully functioning mobile phone which will have received my text.

This is one of those moments where my plotline is bigger than any rom-com with Katherine Heigl or Jennifer Aniston. If I am being truly honest, I just want to evaporate. My ego feels bruised and in shock. I can see that Man/Boy#6 is also stunned. He is doing some rapid pen tapping and a lot of fidgeting. He tries to talk to me while very important people are discussing the future of advertising.

BIG DEEP BREATH. I take a moment and realise I have two choices: I can soak in the awkwardness or I can stop and actually listen to my instinct. My instinct tells me I singlehandedly created this tumultuous pool of panic that now surrounds me. I could have texted him, or heaven forbid – called him!

My instinct tells me I would have called him, if I really wanted to. My instinct also tells me: Let him go. As nice and as lovely as he is – he’s just not meant for me. Most importantly my instinct reminds me that I want a man who I find inspiring and loves to be inspired by me.

Oh, can I put a request in that this dream man have a bit of banter and do the occasional phone call rather than text, pretty please?

Rob says:  Ooh la la to the sexy rendezvous, Lou Lou. It’s good to rock and roll that mojo before it hijacks your ability to navigate dates with men who possess a bit more partner potential.  And after spending years learning to ‘relax my jaw and soften my mouth’ I can appreciate the acquired skill of an accomplished kisser.

I’m enjoying your new sense of playfulness. It seems you’re effectively rolling with the punches as your instincts challenge your unhelpful thoughts even when you’re emotionally hot under the collar. When we’re feeling rejected, it can be such a temptation to click into ‘poor me’ mode but I really like you shushing the victim voice and reclaiming your backbone. And as your dating confidence continues to take root, you’ll appreciate how each date, regardless of the outcome, will ultimately be orienting you to the qualities that you’re looking for in a future long-term man.

 Bettina says: And Lou, Lou, you are so right – texting isn’t the language of love. I think the move away from long, heavy-breathing phone calls has been disastrous for romantic relationships… but maybe I am just showing my age.

And now, one HUGE Step for Astrid…

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4 Responses to this article

  1. Jackie July 27, 2012 Reply
     
     

    Hi,

    As a seasoned RSVP’er and 52 years old, I’m not sure that I agree with the theory of taking your time to-ing and fro-ing with emails.

    I have found that unrealistic expectations can be made and when you finally meet, you feel disappointed.

    I also believe that if you like a guy, you need to move quickly.
    The biggest problem with Internet dating is what I call the “white noise”. You start to get to know someone but you’re both distracted by the “white noise” of others in the background. That old “grassisgreeneritiis” disease.

    Why am I still single? Married for a very long time, not needy or desperate, but I am too damn fussy. I am learning to slowly broaden my parameters.

     
  2. Alice Shaw July 27, 2012 Reply
     
     

    Oh the dating game.. how I’ve both loved and loathed it. The last person I had feelings for did not having feelings for me (and that was over 2 years ago now). The last person I had a coffee with seemed so old! He was only 7 years older than me but I felt like I was with my dad (or at least an older uncle). The last person I received a “kiss” from, included half naked pictures of himself which I felt were not as attractive as he clearly thought they were.

    So here I am, lookin’ for some lovin’ – if the dating project girls are getting action through this column then I say fellas, look me up!!

    I, like Lou Lou, don’t mind the text but a lovely post coital phone call is always preferable… at least I think so, it’s getting hard to remember that far back… :-)

     
  3. The Huntress July 27, 2012 Reply
     
     

    Ah, I almost feel wistful for being single again. Mr. Huntress notwithstanding, I absolutely loved being single and dating. I suppose I just enjoy meeting and bantering with new people and I have problems not flirting with every single person I meet (so I’ve been told, I don’t do it on purpose!).

    Good luck with all the action, ladies! You’re all glittering gems who deserve the best of it all :)

     
  4. JC July 28, 2012 Reply
     
     

    Jackie raises a good point. I have no experience of online dating (still watching from the sidelines) but there is some very interesting economic psychology research on the paralysing effects of many choices. It seems we have to develop ways to break choice-making down, such as comparing two things (men/women) at a time and then moving through a list that way. It seems to me that the structure of RSVP is such that one is always tempted to see what (who) will be available next so there would be a reluctance to make a choice.
    PS Eloise’s silver fox (thinking James Brolin or maybe George Hamilton) is a player (‘my new fabulous girlfriend’??).

     

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Comments

  • Michaela C: Wonderful. I always ask myself will someone die if I fuck up? Will it matter in 3 months? And who fucking cares? Wor...

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  • Nel Matheson: Our focus on women and children and their difficulties ignores the elephant in the room. Where is the father/partner in...

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  • Carz: Can we please clarify that not all single parent families were moved from PPS to Newstart - only those who were grandfat...

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  • Rhoda: Well spoken, Vanessay. I cringe when I hear people go on about single mothers. As if it's only the mothers who deser...

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