DON’T DANCE AT MY FUNERAL
I’ve been to a few funerals recently for friends who died too young.
Those are often the saddest occasions because of a sense of unfulfilled potential.
A Bay City Rollers farewell in the popular romantic comedy Love Actually.
Now I know that we baby boomers have to do everything differently – from sex to parenting, from health to leisure, we pride ourselves on new ways - but does it have to extend to how we give people their final send-off ?
One such funeral was almost relentlessly upbeat. So much so that at one point the congregation were invited to sing along and dance to a hit song chosen to reflect the deceased’s personality. (In case you are wondering, three people bopped on the spot. The rest of us jiggled our shoulders and nodded to the beat to show solidarity. Vocally, we ranged from lip-synchers to an appropriately timid chorus. A full-bodied congregation it was not.)
The person who had organised the ceremony did so as a surprise party for the deceased’s imminent birthday rather than as a solemn occasion to mark the loss of a man she adored.
A great idea, executed with genuinely deep love and respect, except that the deceased was not a party kind of guy.
When it was all over, the coffin stayed where it was. Curtains did not close to symbolise finality. This was disconcerting. Even though most of us hate those synthetic draperies stuttering along a metal track, pre-empting the coffin sliding out of view, we collectively understand that this is part of the ritual of committal which brings proceedings to a conclusion.
But we just left our friend behind in a box as if our departure were merely a casual ‘ see ya later’. It didn’t feel right, him staying alone there while we kicked on to the wake at a pub.
Afterwards several people commented that while they appreciated the cheerful spirit of the occasion, it left them no room for grieving.
I know what they meant. As I drove home, I remembered the man who had died so prematurely, indulging in my personal tribute to him in the privacy of my car. That was where I said goodbye.
Technology has affected the way we say farewell: there’s so much more visual material now, with screens on which to play digital photo montages and home movie clips - it’s all evidence of the emphasis shifting from acknowledgement of death to a celebration of life.
Any minute now the word funeral is going to become obsolete, replaced with some upbeat euphemism coined by a Californian positive psychologist. Positive psychology hinges on avoiding consciousness of the ultimate set-back: our own mortality.
All those optimism gurus simply want us to forget the fact that in the end no matter how motivated you are, you are still going to die.
Positive psychology also encourages those with professional low-self esteem to spin their job descriptions into something that sounds either more glamorous or wholesome. Thus funeral directors these days like to think of themselves as being in the event management business – seriously.
Whether you call that semantics or simply rebranding it’s a bit like prostitutes calling themselves sex workers. It’s true, but it’s not the whole story.
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24 Responses to this article
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Tracey July 17, 2012
I am completely with you on this one Caroline. I’m lucky enough to have attended very few funerals for family and friends who’ve died way too early, and they have been heartbreakingly sad events – honouring but not celebratory. The stories and laughter took place at the after-drinks.
Separate question – have Australians always used the term ‘wake’, or it a recent adoption? and if so, what did we used to call the post-funeral beverage and sandwich?
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jazzy100 July 17, 2012
I agree, but a good(?) funeral is difficult to do. If you’re lucky, you don’t get much experience in them, but unfortunately, this goes against you if you’re suddenly, or even slowly, faced with organising one, particularly for someone you have been very close to. Also, I think they should be all about what the person who has died would have wanted – which is why I have always believed it’s a good idea to talk about these things, openly and frankly, during everyday life.
As in all things – moderation is the way to go. (Pardon the pun). -
Norelle July 17, 2012
oh dear Caroline I think I was among those who stood in my spot and moved (call it a dance? yea I guess). In a way it felt odd but as it was encouraged by the person most close to the deceased I think I did it for her, as she had requested (and I also don’t think it showed any disrespect to a quizzical man). It is the case that a funeral is for the living even while we mourn and remember the dead. At the other extreme, I kind of laugh at the idea of the professional wailer of yesteryear, equally weird and does not demonstrate that the wailer is sadder than the dancer. As you say, your own grieving took place at a private moment – I’ve had to stop the car when thinking of my mum. But I agree with you most strongly re ‘viewings’ I think that is extremely distressing and vulgar, yuk.
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Mary Watson July 17, 2012
jazzy 100 I am with you on the talking about preferences for one’s own funeral.
I often pipe up when I hear a song I like, that it could be used during my send off.
I also keep all the nice cards the family write on Mothers Day and tell them to simply read out a selection on the day, to save stressing. THe reaction is of course….’Muuuuummm’ but I know I have planted the idea. -
sami July 17, 2012
Perhaps some people simply have no idea what funerals “should” be like. I’ve personally attended about three, only one as an adult. And that was for someone elderly, so naturally it was a sombre and serious occasion held in her church. I assume that is the normal way, if you’re the religious type.
However if someone close to me (such as my sister or partner) suddenly died I would be at a loss to organise a funeral for them. Not only because I’d have no idea of protocol but also because I’d be in the throes of grief. Trying to give someone a send-off appropriate to their personality and the way they lived their life would be a massive challenge, so as long as there is something to mark their send-off I think it’s okay. Everyone probably grieves differently so I don’t think it’s possible to please everyone.
Viewings are probably very personal. I know in some cultures the deceased will lie in their house for a night or more, with family gathered around them. Some people will find that creepy, others will find it comforting.
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Marnie July 17, 2012
We have instructed our children not to waste money on a funeral service. We are just to be collected from the hospital and cremated. When the ashes are returned to them, they are to have a family bbq and grieve, mourn or celebrate together as they see fit. Then scatter the ashes in the bush. We are not a religious family, we hate formal ceremonies and we can’t see any point in wasting money to ‘do the right thing’ .
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Catherine July 17, 2012
When my cousin passed away, his parents organised a traditional catholic funeral, which felt so irrelevant and inappropriate for him, I just could not understand why they had done it. When the funeral was over I asked my siblings to make sure that never happened to me. At the Wake (which is an Irish term – and has been used forever), after food and drinks, the what turned out to be the “real” funeral took place. If I described it, it would encompass most of the elements that Carolyn so despised in her article. I don’t want tradition, religion or irrelevance when it is my turn – and I absolutely want dancing!
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LORRAINE COLLOPY July 17, 2012
THERE IS A SAYING”DON’T STAND AND CRY FOR ME WHEN I AM GONE–SMILE OR LAUGH BECAUSE I WAS HERE”,I HAVE ARRANGED FOUR FUNERALS OF IMMEDIATE FAMILY IN THE PAST TEN YEARS,WE CELEBRATE WITH SONG,MUSIC,STORIES PRAYERS AND MANY FRIENDS AND FAMILY;A FUNERAL IS A CELEBRATION OF A PERSON’S LIFE AND THUS THE FORMAT ECHOS THAT PERSON AS WE KNEW HIM/HER
GRIEVING IS AN INDIVIDUAL EXPERIENCE AND WILL BE SEEN IN MANY DIFFERENT WAYS,WHAT HAS HAPPENED WE CANNOT CHANGE, WE LIVE WITH OUR MEMORIES!!! -
Red 60 July 17, 2012
Everyone has a right to decide what they want for ‘their’ service, I suppose, but when I heard both my Parents didn’t want a Church Service of any kind, that is where it became hard for me. To know I will never get that chance to farewell them in the way I would like, but I have to respect ‘their’ wishes, and to have no service and scatter their ashes at the spot they have chosen. This I do as a loving Daughter.
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sue bell July 17, 2012
A funeral is for those left be hind and each farewell is different according to the needs of the bereaved . When my baby died we had no service, we met at the graveside and gentle placed her tiny white coffin into the blood red earth., then we all went back to our place and ate and drank and everyone sang and played music, music is always my thing whilst grieving. When my father died, it was both a great relief and a great sorrow. Sorrow for a wonderful man who had suffered for at least 15 years with Alzheimer’s, relief that the immense struggle was over. We all met at the hospital in the middle of the night, the next morning some of us went to the funeral parlour to say good bye. ^ weeks later we held a large retrospective exhibition and really celebrated his life. A year later the close immediate family all went to Kinglake National Park and each of us scattered our share of his ashes where and how we wanted and spent time in the bush thinking of him. No ceremony no speeches very, very private. I have conducted a funeral for friends, being a civil service it overcame the problems of inter religious relationships. We ad great music ( a lot of 1940s jazz) a candle lighting ceremony for the grandchildren and great grandchildren. There were three speeches only and then a private cremation. Being a cross cultural funeral meant things one group takes for granted i.e. a wake, were seen as strange by the others but in the end everyone said the whole, happy atmosphere opened their eyes to different ways of doing things and reflected the happy, vibrant person we had just farewelled.
There are some customs that seem very important, the deceased should leave you, either behind a curtain or door or carried out to the hearst, you should never leave the deceased. My funeral will be held at home, like Janis Joplin I will leave money for a party, then I wish to be buried in a shroud, vertically in the ground with a tree on top of me. This is known as a bush burial and areas are being set aside for such burials and will provide green growth corridors of bushland. Cremation is very bad for the environment. You can have any type of funeral you want, you can, as we once did spend a week painting the coffin, eating, drinking, laughing together a we say goodbye. I chose to celebrate a persons life as well as grieve. -
RobynMarie July 17, 2012
Gosh Lorraine Collopy, hasn’t anyone told you using all capitals is like shouting?I thought you were all angry or something – calm down!
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Dale McCamish April 1, 2013
Maybe she needed to be heard.
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Rachel July 17, 2012
My husband passed away in December. I had a private viewing (with just myself and my sister in law in attendance) a week after his death and he did not need to be embalmed. The funeral directors did not use it as a “money spinner”, it cost me nothing extra and provided an opportunity to leave some photos, pictures drawn by our children and a letter with him in his coffin.
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OlindaI July 17, 2012
What is your issue with sex workers, Caroline?
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Willow Jackson July 17, 2012
I was so relieved to read this article. My mother has given my sister and I instructions about her funeral which very specifically state:
No flowers
No black clothing
Cheapest coffin we can buy
No tears
Pink helium balloons only on the coffin
and the real kicker…
“Dancing Queen” played as her coffin is carried from the service.
While I totally respect her wishes, it doesn’t take into account how hard this will be for my sister and I to pull off. We will be devastated when she passes on. Neither of us are “party people”. We are both quiet, “under the radar” kind of people. How do we conjur up this whole “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” event? -
B.H. July 17, 2012
Is the dig at sex workers really necessary? They are sex workers. There is nothing misleading about them referring to themselves as such.
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VRog July 17, 2012
My grandmother died last year and her service was lovely: my aunt put together a slide-show of family pictures showing my grandmother through the years, we played ‘Danny Boy’ because it was her favourite song, and three of us gave eulogies. I included some gentle humour in mine because that was the kind of relationship I had with her. It was a truly lovely service and a real celebration of her life.
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Beck July 21, 2012
I recently farewelled a friend I loved dearly. His funeral was huge with a solemn funeral service where his closest friends and children spoke beautifully. There was a huge wake afterwards with drinks, food, laughter and tears. It was his final gift to us all, to bring hundreds of us together to remember how much he loved us all.
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Rhoda July 23, 2012
Funny thing funerals. You just don’t know what you’re up for, do you!
I can remember one that was the full Catholic mass and the family spoke and tales were told. All very dignified and everyone looked suitably sad and sombre and smiled only on cue. Then from out of the blue came this little tune – You are My Sunshine – the deceased’s favourite. I could just hear it as the coffin was carried out. I doubt anyone else took much notice but that tinkling song that sounded so small in that huge catholic cathedral made me feel the sadness I was supposed to feel.
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amd August 3, 2012
Wakes are a very old tradition, dancing and carousing and remembering the person well, and funerals have changed all throughout history and throughout every culture.
Whatever the deceased wished for their funeral should be respected. If they didn’t make their wishes clear, their nearest and dearest should do whatever makes them comfortable. Everyone else just has to suck it up.
Personally, I will be dead so I am fairly sure I won’t care.
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Helen Dunne January 21, 2013
Hi Caroline
I read your article with interest as I am starting my own business to coordinate families to decorate a shroud for the deceased instead of burying them in a dress or suit, and most importantly so they can partake by choice, in a shared project that allows them to grieve and express their feelings within the design of the shroud. The shroud decorating allows for conversation between visitors to the family to talk about the deceased and at the families invitation, write or attach something they find befitting.
The funeral industry is definitely changing (not necessarily for the better or worse) and I believe that it is beneficial to encourage families to be involved in any ceremony that allows for grief and celebration.
With the loss of two brothers, and then both parents in the past four years, the biggest disappointment for me is the disappearance of friends soon after that left me feeling unsupported, abandoned even, and struggling to find people that I know to talk about it, even amongst some of my siblings.
Should I have had another loss such as the end of a relationship or the loss of a job, I know people find it acceptable to talk about those losses rather than a loved ones death.
It would be healthier to discuss death openly without feeling that we will invoke out own. I’ve called my business Shroud Memento, if you wish to have a look at the website, and hope that it will emerge as a beneficial and healthy component of the funeral ceremony.
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Lesley January 22, 2013
I disagree that celebrating the deceased’s life is somehow a stopper on feeling the grief. We had a so-called “celebration of life” for my Dad. It’s true we did veto some of the more frivolous ideas of songs to be performed, choosing “somewhere over the rainbow” by my nephew on saxaphone and “all things must pass”. Of course, now, I can’t listen to those songs without being reduced to tears, let alone what I sang for my Dad – “In paradisum” from Faure’s requiem, which made me cry even before the funeral. I think it’s good to have these musical connections to the funeral service – or celebration. It helps to connect us to that day, after all, most of us are usually in shock and can’t remember much about the occasion. But the music somehow allows us to experience moments again, when we are ready to grieve. Music, like scents, are great triggers for the memory, and allows us to lay down new memories about the saying goodbye. Here’s some practical information about planning a funeral written by my marvellous 73 year old mother. Whatever you choose, make it special and a day to remember with affection and love. http://www.griefandsympathy.com/planningafuneral.html
