Tuck-shop arms are flabby triceps, also known as Bingo Wings. I sport an impressive pair of them, flapping in the breeze like two giant tarps.
The weather this week gave me the perfect occasion to trot them out on the unsuspecting public.
The warmth was also the signal that I MUST do something about preparing for bikini season. So I thought I would outline a plan, a checklist if you like, of things that we can all do to make sliding into Spring just that little bit easier.
You can choose to laser, razor or wax. Me? Because I abhor any sort of discomfort I turn to ye olde worldy blade. But razors have changed a lot over the years. No orange Bic single blade will darken my bathroom door! I treat myself to one of those fancy mega razors that have built in soap, a moisture strip, six blades, a sparkly disco handle and plays Joe Cocker’s “You are so beautiful…. To meeeeeeee” as you shave off your stubble.
Takes 2 minutes. Regrowth lasts between 5-7 minutes. But it is what I do.
Remember when manicures were saved for a special occasion, like your wedding? With the prolific emergence of the Nail Salon, every lady and her poodle is getting her talons treated. This is a luxury for a lot of people, but if you do frequent such establishments, as I do occasionally, treat yourself to a heel shave. Where they actually shave skin off. Watch with glee the horror on the faces of the fancy ladies beside you. And then get some nail art done, just for shits and giggles.
Only if you are packing.
Your skin will be dehydrated after spending months encased in fleece. Time to get into the habit of slathering on some body lotion whenever you think about it. Which will be never. Grow those scales and NEVER believe in a miracle cream that will reduce your cellulite and age spots. It is complete garbage.
…Whether your swimmers you bought six years ago would see you through another summer. You might have become fond of them as they grew and stretched out and now resemble something that the Saggy Baggy Elephant might have gotten around in when he did the housework. You are doing this because the thought of actually going swimmer-shopping fills you with fear and dread.
You don’t need to stress! Go online. The best site for ALL sized beach bunnies is this one. Free returns and something for everyone. No excuses now! When you have a snazzy cozzie that fits great, you do feel better about yourself.
…At the thought of summer salads and tell yourself you are just going to eat delicious salads for every meal. And walk, and drink only water, and never even look at bread ever again. Which brings me to…
Croissants and sandwiches and hot chips are awesome and crap like quinoa tastes like dirt.
And this brings us back to your batwings, or phudoobadas, as I like to call them.
A LOT of women detest their arms and refuse to show them, even in crippling heat. As you look around at toned-armed ladies, you think to yourself “I wish I could wear a singlet top…”
But guess what?
The problem as I see it, is that with so many of us refusing to shake off the shackles that is a lightweight cardi, the only arms that we get to see are those that are perfect. If we all decided to show off the phudoobadas, it just would not be a big deal.
Think about it. If you have been to Thailand or Bali or places similar, you will see no end of batwings, auntie arms, nan flaps, sugargliders or whatever term you prefer, proudly on display. I know about it, because when I go there I do it myself!
So with all that being said and done, I throw out the challenge to you.
Don a good bra, slap on some fake tan if you want, whack on a tank top and look in the mirror, knowing that you, along with every other Australian woman no matter what shape or size, has the right to bare arms.
Then go out and swing/flap/wobble them like the awesome chick that you are.
Are you doing anything to prepare your body for warmer weather?
MORE STORIES BY MRS WOOG
*About Mrs Woog: “I can be found in the laundry, folding laundry, sorting laundry and dropping off the dry cleaning. I am mum to two boys, boss of my husband and master of a cat and two guinea pigs. Come nightfall, I watch TV while tweeting which drives Mr Woog insane. I like to read cookbooks and eat out. During my waking hours I ferry kids around in the Mazda while drinking takeaway coffees and listening to talkback. I think about going to the gym every day. I used to work in the publishing industry before I realised it was nothing like Elaine Benes from Seinfeld made out like it was. Now I write this blog. And I never get writer’s block. It is a gift I have.” You can follow me on Twitter: @Woogsworld.