I still have no real idea how I ended up backstage at Sydney Fashion Week, but I was mesmerized by every minute of it.

It had nothing to do with the clothes.

Let me explain why the Fashion Folk completely stole the show when it came to my entertainment at this year’s premier National Celebration of the Cloth.

I have broken them down under a few categories.

The Regular Fashionista

These can be fashion editors and buyers. Typically they gather in threes, wearing small leather shorts and furry vests. Their long legs are encased in black patterned tights and their feet display their latest purchase, which can be worth up to the ticket price of a small Japanese car. Hair is worn long and tumbling. Watches are large and metal. Attitudes are air-kissy and you will be getting the once over from one of them at any given time. Even when you are in the bathroom and you run out of toilet paper and you have to pop your head out to see if anyone is there to hand you some more. Even then.

The Publicists

A messier, more harassed looking version of the Regular Fashionistas, these gals dash around the crowds pulling celebrities in front of a camera while pushing designers’ items into their hands and yelling “Take the photo, Delphius!!!”

They always look like they are on the verge of tears.

The Make-Up Artists

Funky princesses and cool dudes work hard to bring you the latest looks from the European Runways, which include glitzy stick on metallic eyebrows. Very practical for doing the grocery shopping, or indeed if you end up facing the judge in court due to a negligent driving incident caused by one of your fancy new eyebrows falling off and spearing you in your macular.

I got chatting to one makeup artist. I asked him why everyone seemed so stony-faced. He shared with me his theory that the thinner you are, the sterner you must appear. I pointed out to him the fact that we were both very, very smiley, which made him smile even more.

The Models

Very, very stern.

And also very young. You could spot them a mile away, getting dropped off by their mum or dad before being whisked backstage by someone, wearing an earpiece and carrying a clipboard, to be transformed into a sullen faced cat-walking goddess. These models are the result of a perfect storm of a genetic cocktail mixed up by their parents.

That, or they have not eaten since year 8. The golden rule of walking during Fashion Week is for GOD’S SAKE DO NOT MAKE A FACIAL EXPRESSION, lest it detracts from the crocheted merkin you are sporting with matching boob tube.

The Catering Crew

Unwanted and unneeded.

The Obvious Fashion Week Virgin

Look for the lumpy lady wearing ballet flats and bad hair. She will be the one who jokingly asks a well-known male designer walking past with an iron if he would not mind running it over her cardigan. In return for her quip, she will be on the receiving end of one of the most effective death stares ever to be produced.

And this brings me to my final point.

Why is fashion so serious? Why are you heralded a genius if you stick a goat’s head on all of your models before sending them down the long runway?

Since when does being creative equal to being a complete tosspot?

And why, oh why, doesn’t anyone smile?

The change of season is upon our doorstep, and my Snuggie is being dusted off for evenings by the fire. I thought it might be apt to share a little research I have done lately to celebrate Mercedes Benz Fashion Week, which starts next week.

So hitch up your britches ladies, and grab a notebook and pen. Because you are going to want to know about these terms before you update your wardrobes for Winter, or if you are a fashion wanker, you will recognize this period as AW/13.

Which means Autumn Winter 13. Ready? Let us begin.

Graphic Pants

Shops all over the country are stocking up on graphic pants. Now before we go any further, be rest assured that these pants are not going to contain any images that wearers may find disturbing, nor will they contain strong, coarse language.

They are simply pants that have a pattern on them.

They are suitable for all audiences, particularly those members who do not enjoy nutrition, as the pattern may stretch beyond recognition if you carry any fat. Particularly if you have a bootylicious butt.

If you own such a butt, wear a dress over it. A neon dress.

And an owl beanie.

The Onesie

This nifty garment can take you from the cradle to the grave, now that they have seamlessly transferred from baby talk to cat walk. Case in point, a certain Mr Brad Pitt, who was currently spied on a family outing rocking a black Bonds Wondersuit.

I can see the appeal of The Onesie. No need for undies but much need for a doona.

Baroque

The baroque trend has been around forever. Since 1600 in fact!

Think stiff lace and linens, high waists encased in whalebone corsets and large billowy sleeves.

Perfect and practical for a night out on the tiles, or for nipping down to Medicare to claim your rebate.

Nouvelle Japonisme

Holy Hooplarians! I do declare that I got a little hot and flustered when I first came across this style trend. I mean, is that really even a word? And if so, how does one pronounce it?

The fash pack are totally stoked that Nouvelle Japanisme has finally come to the forefront of fashion. And because I don’t want to look totally stupid, I need to know both how to pronounce it and what it means, before I brush shoulders with that intimidating bunch next week.

Nouvelle is French for new. Pronounced NOOVEL. Japonisme is French for Influenced by Japan. Pronounced JAPONIZM.

NOOVEL JAPONIZM. Sorted. Still would not know what it was even if it whacked me over the head with a samurai sword.

Pastel / Neon

Colours that are polar opposites, yet interestingly, both are considered “on trend”.

It is things like this that confuses me about fashion.

That, and peplums, which sounds more like a gynecological instrument, rather than a flap of fabric designed to hide a large lunch.

Animal Print

Never goes away. NEXT.

Gothic Romance

Pashing Vampires? Fornicating Fangsmiths? No, silly! *eye roll*

According the fashion pundits at Westfield, this trend is best described as:

“a heavenly mix of lace, velvet, leather and romantic shades. Think dark, think enchanting, and think seductive. Create this winter trend with maroons and gold and an injection of edge.”

If you require a clearer indication of this trend, imagine a love child of Freddie Mercury and Stevie Nicks.

Leather & Studs

Take inspiration from the local chapter of your friendly Hell’s Angels or Rebels Club. Armed with your notebook, ask them from where they draw their style inspiration. What is the best way to combine textures, tattoos and colour?

These guys are very fashion forward when it comes to concealment as well. And I am not talking about dark under eye shadows and blemishes.

Thank them for their time, and exit slowly, making no sudden movements.

Floral

Remember Laura Ashley and Liberty Prints? Well THAT is floral, my fashion loving friends.

Don’t rush out to buy any. You already have it from the 60s, the 70s, the 80s, the 90s and the noughties.

In Conclusion…

You are already trendy.

You have something from all of these categories I am sure, apart from maybe the Onesie.

But if you do buy a Onesie this Winter, the only thing you will need to consider is which trend will it be inspired by.

For me? The answer is obvious.

I never saw a Studded Gothically Romanced Onesie with a Floral Peplum I didn’t like.

What is on your fashion shopping list this season?

Has fashion come so far full circle that it’s now eating itself?

Worst part of going away? Packing. Worst part of being away? Finding you haven’t got anything you need but still have a full suitcase.

Help, I either overpack or underpack. You travel a lot, tell me the tricks of your trade? 

Dear Julie,

Recently I arrived in a wet and chilly San Francisco to discover I had no raincoat, no jumpers, no T-shirts and only one change of underwear.

I did have five pairs of shoes, several white shirts – rendered useless by the cold and lack of anything to go over them – a slinky silk dress, three books (plus a couple more on my iPad) and the piece de resistance: two pairs of bathers, goggles and a cap. (The temperature never climbed past 16C and the pool at the hotel was not heated, so that little lot was a waste of space.)

Throughout my life, I have acquired some skills but packing, obviously, is not among them. Nor has practice made perfect, as my parents and teachers used to insist.

Until recently my only tip for you would be don’t emulate me, then I discovered Packing Pro on the iTunes store. Obviously I’m not the only poor packer out there, it’s one of the hotter selling apps in the crowded travel section.

Basically what it does is make lists for you. Hey, I hear you, you do that already and still end up with fleece and long johns in 40C, but Packing Pro is a lot smarter than most of us mere mortals.

You can select the type of holiday, how long you will be away, whether you are going somewhere warm or cold, whether it’s for business or pleasure, how many people are going, whether you want to carry a lot or a little with you, and it even asks you if there will be laundry facilities available. Then it generates lists of what clothes, shoes and accessories you are likely to need based on the information you have provided.

But it doesn’t stop there. It also reminds you what you need to do to organise the holiday – book accommodation, car rental etc, what you should do before you leave (photocopy documents, set up email auto-responder, take out garbage, and it always provides a basic list of must-takes – cash, passport, pills, glasses, contact info, plugs, etc.).

I know that all sounds a teensy bit anal, but it does ensure that you will be able to get on with the business of having a holiday as soon as you arrive, rather than scurrying around the shops for what you haven’t packed. And think how useful it would be if your luggage goes missing in transit or is stolen.

Now that said, I will give you the one tip I think will always work, although I never adhere to it myself, and that leaves enough time to pack properly.

Don’t wait until the cab for the airport is at the front door, like I usually do. You will end up with togs and goggles and little else if you go down that track. Pack the day before you leave, two days before is even better. It’s so much less stressful, or it was the one time I managed to find the time in that frenetic period that always precedes a trip to do it.

Now, if only I could practice what I preach.

In a clear case of consumerism gone mad, at this point of the year, Autumn, we are bombarded with messages that we, as women, need to change up our wardrobe to reflect the new seasons. Not only are we expected to take stock of what we already own, but also we need to add to it in a most considered way.

I thought I would de-code a few fashion buzzwords, and help you navigate what they say is the AW14 Collections.

And what does AW14 mean? Well, it does not mean AHHH WONDERFUL A SIZE 14! Simply put, it heralds the arrival of designers’ Autumn Winter Collections of the year 2014. SS14 would be the Summer/Spring collections. Are we confused yet? But it’s with great pleasure that I have discovered many designers adding up to an 18 in their range, because guess what?

Chunky ladies like nice things too, and are willing to exchange money for goods. Who knew? Let’s scoot around some of our Australian Designers and see what has inspired them for AW14.

Jayson Brunsdon, I love you! His collection is called CHIC AFRIQUE, a marvellous play on the word. Afrique is the way Africa is pronounced if your are French, a nation who are known to be very chic. What struck me about his collection was the emphasis he has placed on the humble track pant. This made me love him even more.

So I went investigating, only to find these trackies will set me back $349.00, a cost I cannot justify for essentially wearing my pyjamas in public.

The design team at Manning Cartell has released their range called The Art Of Assemblage. They describe their collection as Feminine/Masculine. I describe my reaction to that as Dazed/Confused.

“Sophrosyne” is a Greek philosophical term etymologically meaning “healthy-mindedness and from there self-control or moderation guided by knowledge and balance.” And according the to the label Morrison, it also means relaxed, minimal and layering.

I had a scoot around the retails offerings recently, and came out empty handed and despondent, because everything in the shops was grey, although it can also be labeled ash, charcoal, slate, light, dark, steel and pewter, all which makes my mood go… well, grey, I suppose. Over time these trends will filter down and trickle into cheaper versions of the designer’s original vision, and into the bargain chain stores.

But they don’t care because it is at that time they are finishing up what they would like us to wear at Christmas. It is called the Fashion Cycle, like the menstrual cycle, and equally as moody, one would suspect.

And in case you are interested, SS15 is all about the pastel. Think Miami Vice working in the local florist. That is the look we are striving for.

Something else I noticed was that the Homewear retailers have jumped on the trend of bringing out collections to match the seasons. When did THAT happen? Unsurprisingly, the Homewear trend of AW14 is… Moody Grey.

Furniture giant Freedom has leapt onto the bandwagon, and also includes a Mixed Metal element in their range.

“Breeze into Autumn with the latest looks for your living space this season.”

I suspect what homewear shops want you to do is to store away all of the colorful summer crap that you shelled out for six months ago, and replace it with some rustic, grey scatter cushions and a sheepskin rug. The reality of my place is that I dust off an ancient set of flannie sheets and hunt down the hot water bottles and VOILA! My version of AW14. Timeless, classic and practical, if not a little pilly.

But for all my fashion loving Hooplarians, I have got some practical advice for those of you who update your wardrobe seasonally. Fresh from the Paris AW14 runway, I give you the top 10 trends happening RIGHT NOW. You may want to grab a dictionary…

1. Gloves – things that go on your hands
2. Leopard Print – does it ever go out of style?
3. Pharrell Hats – stupid looking big hats.
4. Teenaged Angst Sleeves – sleeves that cover your hands, fingers and beyond
5. Zips – a device used to bring together fabric
6. Corsages – what your Formal date gave you awkwardly
7. Shearling – furry stuff from sheep
8. Fringing – scraps of fabric that dangle down
9. Supermarket Chic – leggings and trainers with an expensive parka
10. Belts – a device to keep one’s pants up.

Which trend will you adopt this season? Do you “dress” your home according to the weather?

How do you steal a Londoner’s style? Begin with her secret weapon – body-shaping underwear, says Jenny Valentish in this extract from The Holiday Goddess Handbag Guide.

“Perhaps inevitably in a city dedicated to Guinness and Cornish pasties, there is a huge (too huge) demand for magic knickers. And who can refuse a magic padded, uplifting bra?

When you leave London, one local habit that’s worth taking home is an addiction to miracle undies. And how do the Brits do it? They shop at Marks & Spencer, where first they buy the Cornish pasties, then they buy the pants.

Marks & Spencer’s underwear is as firmly entrenched in the modern Englishwoman’s psyche as black leather boots and Earl Grey tea. Hell, I’ve worn sturdy black lacy pairs all through my teenage cider-punk phase, my roaring (drunk) twenties (during which time they adorned the radiator of many a share house), and now they’re girding my loins in the land girt by sea, Australia. And it’s not just me.

“On a sunny June day Trinny Woodall answered the door of her Kensington flat wearing nothing but a white  Marks & Spencer bra and matching knickers,” began an Observer profile on the great British fashion orthros that is Trinny and Susannah, while national treasure Joanna Lumley has voiced an ad campaign for the company, and there’s a Facebook page calling for the quintessentially English Nigella Lawson to follow suit.

The 127-year-old retailer, also beloved for its food range (Bridget Jones would drop in for white wine and extravagant girly snacks, hence her need for shapewear undies) has forged a reputation for good quality, feminine underwear that caters to a woman’s every need – even offering a pretty post-breast surgery range of bras.

Mothers and daughters will happily shop at Marks together (I was alarmed on a recent visit home to notice that Mum and I had identical M&S satin smalls in the airing cupboard without having consulted each other), and with bargains like three pairs of knickers for a tenner, Marks & Sparks (as it’s affectionately known) doesn’t discriminate against any class of bottom. Now delivering internationally!”

Marks & Spencer
380 Oxford Street
NEAREST TUBE: Bond Street
WEBSITE: marksandspencer.com

Great heroines who ought to have been wearing  Marks & Spencer knickers:
Emma Woodhouse: Jane Austen’s meddling minx understood fully the need to be both flirtatious and tactical.

Mary Elizabeth Ponsonby: Earl Grey tea is the perfect complement to Marks & Spencer knickers, and Mary was the woman behind the toff who gave his name to it.

Emma Bovary: Like Bridget Jones, Flaubert’s creation dreamed of escaping the dullness of provincial life and bought way too much on credit. She would have made excellent use of Marks & Sparks shapewear briefs.

Boadicea: Some heat-generating thermals would have stood Boadicea and her feisty daughters in good stead on their murderous rampage towards Londinium.

*Jenny Valentish is a journalist who has edited triple j magazine for the cult Australian radio station, as well as the raucous anthology Your Mother Would Be Proud. She was raised just outside London and rectified this, aged 18, by moving inside. She thinks it’s about time Marks & Sparks knickers were immortalised in a book.

*This is an extract from The Holiday Goddess Handbag Guide, edited by Jessica Adams.

Like a trusted and impossibly cool girlfriend, The Holiday Goddess Handbag Guide reveals the secrets of what women really want in four fabulous cities: Paris, London,  New York and Rome.

Born in a handbag from scribbled tips shared between goddesses whose adventures scattered them all over the world, it will take you where few women have been before.

Follow Audrey Hepburn’s footsteps  in Rome, delve into the secret diaries of shopaholics in New York, learn chiconomical secrets in Paris, rock out in London, discover where to
eat, love and eat some more.

Dressed in timelessly elegant red linen, it’s as irresistibly chic as a designer handbag and 10 times more useful – the must-have accessory for goddesses who love to travel or just enjoy dreaming about it.

The year was 1987. Bob Hawke was our Prime Minister. It was the year Kylie Minogue released her first single, I Should Be So Lucky, and it was the year that Vietnam Vets were finally recognised for their service, albeit 15 years too late.

And it was the year that I first clapped my eyes on a garment known as the bubble skirt. Oh, be still my beating teenaged heart, if that did not quickly rocket to the top of my list of things that I would die from if I didn’t own it, then I would be I liar if did not proclaim this to be so.

It even knocked River Phoenix off my list of objects of desire.

As black and white striped bubble skirts began to appear on my friends, in Sportsgirl, and just on generally everyone I laid eyes on, I panicked and showed Mum the latest trend and begged, pleaded even, that if I did not get my ass into a phoofy skirt as soon as possible, then my social status would be forever cast out into the cold. And this will not do as a mere 14 year old.

And then Mum said the words that spread fear into my very being, every time they escaped from her lips.

“Oh they are simple. I will make you one.”

Looking back now, I can see she was well meaning. But Mum was not a good seamstress. YOU ARE NOW MUM! I HAVE SEEN YOUR QUILTING EFFORTS.

But back then….

I gave Mum some very, very precise designing instructions. It was to have a thick, black elastic band that sat high up on my waist. (Oh waist, I remember you….)

The material had to be EXACTLY like the ones that everyone was wearing. Either black and white dotted, or black and white striped. No deviations whatsoever.

Oh, and I needed it in like, 24 hours.

Of course, the result was a light blue, seersucker, and baggy puffball skirt down to below my knees. It hung from a thin strip of white hat elastic that was sewn into the top.

Because the short, short, magically puffy ones were… “Common!”

Which was the entire point!

So I attended all the birthday parties that year in my saggy bubble skirt while everyone else had a happier time because of their surrounding puffiness. And let’s not even start on the bodysuits underneath.

No wonder I was a moody, miserable teenager. I wanted to look like everyone else, but Mum’s Singer prevented me from ever really fitting in.

This memory came flooding back to me last weekend, when I attended the 60th Wedding Anniversary of my Grandparents John and Jope. It was a stunning, sunny day and as I walked into the function, I noticed a poor young girl had forgotten her pants.

She had long, brown smooth legs and a tiny, high bottom encased in, what would seem to be, a pair of bright white cottontails.

Had she just come from the beach?

However, I got more confused when she turned around….

HOLY SKORT!

I had not laid my eyes on a skort since I wore one at primary school, where they were prescribed as an antidote to avoid getting teased when you swung from the monkey bars upside down! I am also aware that the skort continues to be a very fashionable option for lady golfers, but to the knee if you please!

Unlike their cousin the culottes, who are a more of a pant type item, the skort has come screaming off some catwalk, somewhere, and into our stores.

And now I cannot stop seeing them everywhere.

The skort is a portmanteau of skirt and shorts. And it is not the first instance of two fashion garments mating and producing and offspring, however dodgy it might turn out.

Take my shumper that I used to swan the office in (skirt and jumper). You also have the option of getting around in jeggings, shants, shresses, treggings and burqinis, all the time swishing around your lob.

And that is the thing about fashion that I should not have feared back in 1987.

If you don’t get the trend right the first time, and depending on your age, you might have at least two more attempts in your lifetime to master it. PHEW!

Did your Mum ever try to make your “fashion”? Are you partial to a skort or any other sort of fashion hybrid?