Fresh from the The World Has Gone Completely Bonkers files, is the news that fashion house Dolce and Gabbana is planning to release a fragrance for babies.
I will just pick at this hang nail for a moment so you can read that sentence again.
Stephano Gabbana and Domenico Dolce think your baby stinks and these two geniuses have come up with a solution. It’s an alcohol-free fragrant water named Eau De Infant. The company believes that their fragrance will help a mother “bond with her baby”.
It will also help you part with $50 per bottle, as well as a large part of your sanity.
So it seems that these clowns are not only designers, but can also charge out their services as Baby Whisperers. I don’t know about you, but I am not sure whether I could take parenting advice from these two.
I have it in my mind now…
Me: “Stephano, my baby just will not settle! What am I doing wrong?”
Stephano: “Well, for a start you have wrapped your baby in colour, and this season it is all about monochrome. And also, your baby stinks.”
*SPLASH, SPLASH, SPLASH*
“The softness of baby skin, the freshness of baby breath, a mother’s sweet hug, and the first smile were inspirations for the scent, meant to enhance the tot’s natural smell”, Gabbana said.
Mr Gabbana and Mr Dolce, I am here to tell you that babies smell just fine, just the way they are. (As long as they have just had a nappy change.) To put perfume on a baby is akin to putting perfume on a fragrant rose. You are not improving on nature.
And for what it’s worth, the last time I hugged my mother the only thing I could smell was gin and deodorant.
But I don’t doubt for one minute that thousands of parents will fall for this load of baloney. And putting on my entrepreneurial cap for a moment, I think it might be in my best financial interest to try and cash in on this ridiculousness.
Once I obtain a list of these parents who prefer their babies to smell like citrus, honey and melon, I am going to engage in a swift and aggressive direct marketing campaign, focusing on a small collection of products that I have floating about in my head.
(Please note, these are ideas only.)
Babylash is a set of silk false lashes, designed to enhance your baby’s eyes.
As newborns, a full set of natural eyelashes is not yet developed.
Babylash will assist you in bridging the embarrassing period of time where your baby is not “bringing it” during all those early childhood photo shoots.
HAIR DOWN TO THERE
You know how a lot of babies are born without a single hair on their head *shudders*? I plan to develop a series of mini toupees. Choose from over a dozen styles, fibres, lengths and colours, that will be sold with a tube of water based adhesive – guaranteed to stick.
HDTT Toupees will be heat-resistant, so you can use your flat iron and curling tongs to create many dazzling looks. A better idea I am yet to hear.
SHELLAC DES ENFANTS
If it isn’t it bad enough that you are born and you don’t smell like citrus, your eyelashes are sparse and your hair is non-existent? Your teeny, tiny nails are shot to shit as well.
Many babies suffer from very soft nails and extremely short nail beds. It’s one of the reasons bubs are forever putting their hands in their mouths. They are so embarrassed.
Enter Shellac Des Enfants*, an un-clinically proven system designed to strengthen tiny fingernails by using UV light and 4 layers of polish. By investing just one hour of your day, your baby can be digitally-advantaged, PLUS have the added bonus of flashing some very fancy crib colours on their tootsie talons.
In conclusion, I suspect that I am teetering on the edge of a whole new empire focusing on marketing “self esteem enhancing” beauty products to morons and their offspring.
I need a couple of other suggestions though, before I present this to the Board of Irony. Got any good ideas? Any gaps in this new market?
*Nail art also available. Der.
Will you be buying Eau Des Infants?
Do you feel bad for babies whose parents let them roam Eau De Naturale?