There are ads that annoy us. There are even some ads that offend us. But every now and then an ad comes along that threatens our way of life. 

An ad so shocking, so revolting, it not only jeopardises the very fabric of our society, but decimates the next generation, blighting their innocence and rendering them morally rudderless.

I’m looking at you, Carefree.

Putting a nude woman on the TV, popping a bunch of white lilies in front of her boobs and getting her to talk about vaginal discharge is the start of the end of days.

If you read your bible carefully enough, you will know that one of the four horses of the apocalypse is actually called Tampax.

Family First is correct in saying the word vagina should not be used in general conversation. Who knows what mayhem that could unleash? Cities would crumble. Governments would topple. Children’s eyes would roll back in the heads, their tiny little skulls would start to rotate on their necks and green vomit would spray forth from their mouths like they had turned into possessed garden hoses.

Every decent human being knows that the best thing to do with a young girl who asks if she has a vagina is tell her there is nothing between her legs.

If she argues back and says, “But I can see something. It’s right there. I pee out of it,” slap her with the Book of Revelations and send her to bed with no dinner. And make sure she’s wearing sturdy pants with a childproof lock on the front.

Thankfully, it’s not just Family First who are bravely flying the flag for decency and the control of ladies who want to run off at the mouth without permission. Appearing on the ABC’s Q&A, no less than the Vice Chancellor of Sydney University said that “the broader ad was pretty graphic” and you wouldn’t want to watch it while “eating your dinner”.

Hear, hear, Mr Vice Chancellor!

Ladies hiding behind flowers and talking about their anatomy are disgusting. It’s enough to make your meat and two veg fairly stick in your throat.

If women are going to flap around all over our televisions, vainly attempting to camouflage their disgusting lady parts with flora, the least they could do is sell something proper like cars, or aftershave, or themselves.

And to those of you who say vaginas are perfectly harmless, I say to you that’s exactly what they want you to think.

You want proof that vaginas are dangerous? They discharge. You know what else discharges? Guns.

Australia had a gun buy-back scheme, it’s high time we had a vagina buy back as well.

To that end, we need laws put in place so that we all know who’s packing what in their pants. Everyone should be forced to wear lycra leggings, one size too small. Only then will we know who to fear and who are the upstanding, dick-carrying members of society.

Compulsory genital disclosure means safety. Once we know where the vaginas are, government officials can set about safely destroying them – preferably in a bomb-proof shelter, deep underground.

I see no medical reason why we can’t take our girl children to hospitals and have their innies turned into outies. Half of Australia now has a National Disability Insurance Scheme, what more perfect use for it than ridding the world of the scourge of lady holes?

The sad thing is, none of this talk about discharge would have happened in the first place if women simply stopped having it. And don’t tell me that you can’t control your bodily functions. The only reason anything ever comes out of your vagina is because you’ve allowed it to happen.

It’s not a bodily function, it’s an attitude – and a bad one at that.

If you could just teach your privates to behave, there’d be no need for feminine hygiene products in the first place.

As long as we allow vaginas to roam our streets without restriction, anything can and will happen. In fact, it already has. Angela Merkel has a vagina and the European Union has an economic crisis. Julia Gillard has a vagina and Australia has boat people. Queen Elizabeth has a vagina and England has The Ashes.

Apocalypse, thy name is Vag.

Imagine a vagina-free planet: no more awkward conversations about ‘front bottoms’ or ‘that time of the month’. No more fear of accidental erection if someone says the word ‘labia’.

For those men who are held back from their true potential because they fear seeing vaginas, hearing the word vagina, or being in close proximity to someone who has a vagina, a female-neutered world will give them back the confidence they need to win wars, set laws and edu-ma-cate the masses.

We owe this to the world.  We owe this to our children.

It’s up to women to take charge and clean up this mess themselves. They’re the ones who have let their nether regions get out of control. They’re the ones who have become so sullied by the modern world that they’ve forgotten what is right and decent and civilised.  They’re the ones who thought that their bodies could be discussed openly, as if they were discussing nothing more harmless than the weather.

Vaginas are way more dangerous than weather! Why do you think babies come out of them screaming?

There’s no point denying it any longer, ladies, what you keep between your legs is dangerous and must be stopped. Your fetid bits are the bringers-down of governments, the destroyers of morality and the breeders of lust.

Thank god the good people of Family First have had the guts to stand up and say, “Enough! The V word is hurty on my ears!”  Now all we can do is hope that something will be done to stop this evil scourge.

Believing that vaginas are a normal, acceptable part of the human anatomy is the first step towards eternal damnation.

Bugger the boats, it’s time that we focussed on stopping the vag.


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