SHAMWOW! MY LIFE IS AN INFOMERCIAL
The moment I saw it, I just knew it would change my life.
My eyes grew bigger and my heartbeat stepped up a notch as I sat up straight, bolt upright from my previous position on lying on the couch. My head spun slightly. I was not sure whether it was because of the quick movement, or what I was seeing.
A vacuum cleaner robot.
On my television.
Gliding around picking up dirt and skuzz from the floor while it’s shining, happy, model-like owner laughed into her margarita. Did I want to be happy, drinking a margarita while laughing at a robotic vacuum cleaner?
You bet your sweet ass I did!
At the end of the very impressive and thorough demonstration, just after the lady smiles as she dumps a generous amount of dirt and hair from the bag less device into the bin, I am informed of the price.
I am defeated by economic restrictions. My floors continue to be vacuumed the old fashioned, manual way. I resent it.
I also remain surprised that I fell for this cornerstone of selling. I was seduced by an infomercial and it got me thinking…How many of us are out there?
My own experience with buying things off the telly is limited to this one time, while I was studying at university. I had surrendered to the traditional honor of putting on an impressive amount of weight, due to my diet of beer and hot chips. And watching daytime TV.
One day, an infomercial came on to show me that, in just 7 minutes a day, I could transform my chunky thighs into long, slender limbs. And get this!
I could do it while I watched telly!
I immediately ordered my ThighMaster. From memory, it was just 3 easy payments. But it was going to be so worth it. I could not WAIT for my new legs!
The ThighMaster arrived and I set to work straight away. I sat on the couch, carefully placing the V-Shaped device in between my knees and squeezed them together. The ThighMaster had different ideas.
It sprang towards my face like a rabid dog, leaving me with a very noticeable black eye, which was interesting to explain to people.
“My black eye? Oh, it is fine. I was attacked by my ThighMaster…”
Suzanne Somers lied to me. It was not easy to use.
Infomercials, otherwise known as Direct Response TV, have been around since 1950, and the first item to be presented was a Vitamix Blender. Since then, all manner of crap has been presented to us, showing how our lives might be better if we just pick up the phone.
BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!
One magical invention, a food processor called The Magic Bullet, produced sales exceeding a quarter of a BILLION dollars in just twelve months, thanks to the power of persuasion and people’s desire to chop up shit.
Former boxer George Foreman made more money flogging grills that he ever did copping punches to his face. The fact that the grill was never his to begin with puzzles me. Manufacturer Russell Hobbs came up with the device and paid $137 Million dollars to George so they could call it after him.
Hey, I would be honored just to have something named after me! It would have to be some type of bra. Watch this space….
If you choose to buy from an infomercial, are you a complete sucker?
Totally. How fabulous that Justin Beiber is trying to convince me to get on board the Proactive train!
Ever heard of Vince Offer? He is the current reigning king of tele-flogging. Vince finds ordinary objects, specializes in creating an extraordinary buzz around them and before you know it, you are on the phone ordering your ShamWow, your SlapChop or your Schticky.
So convincing is our Vince, that I only just resisted ordering a Schticky recently. If I were one of the next 20 callers, I would have got a mini Schticky absolutely free…
Infomercials, it would seem, mainly focus on cleaning equipment, cooking equipment, cutting equipment and of course, exercise equipment. And, come council clean up time, you can tell which of your neighbours got sucked into buying the Ab Circle Pro, as evidenced by their abandonment on the nature strip.
Quite possibly accompanied by a Robomaid.
So I ask you, dearest Hooplarians, have you ever bought something from the telly?
How’d work out for you?
MORE STORIES BY MRS WOOG
*About Mrs Woog: “I can be found in the laundry, folding laundry, sorting laundry and dropping off the dry cleaning. I am mum to two boys, boss of my husband and master of a cat and two guinea pigs. Come nightfall, I watch TV while tweeting which drives Mr Woog insane. I like to read cookbooks and eat out. During my waking hours I ferry kids around in the Mazda while drinking takeaway coffees and listening to talkback. I think about going to the gym every day. I used to work in the publishing industry before I realised it was nothing like Elaine Benes from Seinfeld made out like it was. Now I write this blog. And I never get writer’s block. It is a gift I have.” You can follow me on Twitter: @Woogsworld.