A MILLION WOMEN ARE READING THIS
It’s the debate a million American women are slugging out on Twitter, Facebook, TV and through commentary pages… and one we in Australia should be having too.
Can women “have it all”? Is life/work balance an almighty myth?
The first incendiary device was hurled by Princeton University professor, Anne-Marie Slaughter in a cover story in The Atlantic.
Baby in a briefcase. Photograph Phillip Toledano via The Atlantic, “Why women still can’t have it all.”
“It is time, “Slaughter said, “for us to acknowledge the conflict between personal and professional life, for parents to admit plainly when they are leaving work to pick up their kids, and for workplaces to use technology to bring their schedules into the twenty-first century.
“It’s time for women to stop blaming themselves when they can’t do “it all”.
Too right.
At the moment of writing this, her article has 137,000 Facebook likes and a million women have logged on to read it.
It’s a long piece, so to précis: Slaughter, as the first woman director of policy planning at the US State Department, wrote that her 14-year-old son was in trouble.
“I found myself in New York, at the United Nations’ annual assemblage of every foreign minister and head of state in the world. On a Wednesday evening, President and Mrs Obama hosted a glamorous reception at the American Museum of Natural History.
“I sipped champagne, greeted foreign dignitaries, and mingled. But I could not stop thinking about my 14-year-old son, who had started eighth grade three weeks earlier and was already resuming what had become his pattern of skipping homework, disrupting classes, failing math, and tuning out any adult who tried to reach him.
“When this is over, I’m going to write an op-ed titled ‘Women Can’t Have It All’, ” she said to a colleague.
“She was horrified,” wrote Slaughter. “You can’t write that,” she (her colleague) said. “You, of all people.” What she meant was that such a statement, coming from a high-profile career woman – a role model – would be a terrible signal to younger generations of women.”
Slaughter did leave her job and in a subsequent public lecture to a group of 20-something women at Oxford found herself pouring her heart out:
“What poured out of me was a set of very frank reflections on how unexpectedly hard it was to do the kind of job I wanted to do as a high government official and be the kind of parent I wanted to be, at a demanding time for my children (even though my husband, an academic, was willing to take on the lion’s share of parenting for the two years I was in Washington).
“I concluded by saying that my time in office had convinced me that further government service would be very unlikely while my sons were still at home.”
The young women in attendance thanked her for her frankness, and, struck by their responses, she started to wonder.
She concluded that her peers were clinging to a “feminist credo” and, even as one by one, they were falling over with exhaustion and stress, were determined “not to drop the flag for the next generation”.
It was, she decided “time to talk”.
And, as it turns out, put a match to a bonfire.
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50 Responses to this article
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dramaqueen75 June 27, 2012
My husband and I have both made made choices to enable us to be involved in our family life. I’ve always job shared but had to fight to do so. When I returned from maternity leave after the birth of my first child I was told I had to go back to full time work – I am a teacher. It was only with the support of my union that i was able to negotiate a trial of job share. We were able to make it work really well and prove that we have longevity and efficiency with this way of work.
My man was working in sales and making great money but quickly grew tired of the after work drinks and dinners needed to shmoose with clients. Not only were the hours not conducive to marriage or family but some of the practices and dodgy morals of the game were abhorrent to him.
We made a choice – a big house and overseas holidays were not our priority if it meant we hardly saw each other and I spent evenings alone.
You can’t have it all and you can’t have it all of the time – it’s true. Even as a teacher who is now working an 8-9 day fortnight with extra casual work I find it very hard to keep the family and domestic side of life ticking over smoothly- at the moment I am exhausted!I do believe the premiss is correct – women need to continue to lobby for change. I was fortunate 17 years ago to have the union behind me – I doubt as a youngish new mother I could have done it alone
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Ainslie June 27, 2012
I’m currently researching this topic and I think it’s a topic we’ve swept under the carpet. Now women have equal pay and even paid mat leave (finally), we think everything is just fine and dandy.
It’s not. There are still ingrained cultural barriers which men and women face, that essentialize us into our stereotype roles. all the legislation and affirmative action in the world is not going to remove gendered behavior from the workplace, and so our working lives are not immune from gender dictating what is appropriate for each gender to be responsible for. That is, men still lead with power and prestige,women get to lead in the small jobs.
In turn, thus effects the way we address our work life balance. The ideal worker is someone who has little or no family responsibilities, with someone at home to take care of things. With the cost of living rising, it’s nearly impossible to achieve this. And so we work longer and harder, creating work intensification. Eventually, everything suffers, for both men and women and the high stress will eventuate in burn out.
There is still much more to research on this topic, and Barbara Pocock has produced much literature on the subject.Basically, u can have all the legislation about fair workplaces but it’s not going to change our cultural bias over night. Gender is everywhere and it will be evident in the workplace. the increase of women in the workplace has not equated to an equal standing for women, and as we are essential used into our gendered roles off being, women will have a more difficult trajectory with women traditionally taking the lions share of domestic tasks. Not to mention, how women are goaded into thinking of everyone else problems, before they address their own. This patriarchal, hetrocentric hegemony, demands women address child care concerns over their own hopes dreams and careers. And that’s not even taking into account what it does to men. I can’t even
imagine what it’s like ‘having to provide’ for the family.
We can’t have it all. Not until there is a culture change which recognizes your sexed body does not pre-determine your personal and career trajectory.-
Melita June 27, 2012
Um, where is the evidence that women have equal pay? “The Equal Opportunity for Women in the Workplace Agency (EOWA) finds that women’s wages are now 17.4% lower than that of men. There has been no progress for twenty years.”
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Anne Powles June 27, 2012
What women have to accept is that no one “can have it all”. Whatever choices one makes in life, whether we are male of female, we have to recognize that making any choice always closes off some other options. We certainly cannot think that we are super women and can manage to do it all, but surely we can accept that, if we wish to have careers, we will have to balance that with knowing we may have to rely upon others to do some of the things we otherwise would like to do with our children. Sometimes leisure time with a partner is the sacrifice. Many men have recognized this and many now feel more free to be able to acknowledge that they are not going as far as they might have in their careers in order to spend more time with family. Careers, however, can be satisfactory at many levels. Those without other external responsibilities will always be able to devote more time and emotional energy to them and will probably have more chance to be highly successful.
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Melita June 27, 2012
Oh boy, this really hits home! I recently read ‘How to Find Fulfilling Work’ by Roman Krznaric – it’s part of Alain De Botton’s ‘School of Life’ series (http://www.theschooloflife.com/). The best thing is the book for me was the following statement, which I tweeted:
“Thanks @romankrznaric: Instead of ‘Can women have it all?’ ask ‘How can parents support each other so they can both have some of it all?’ ”
I work full time and I have a 5 and a 6 year old – my husband works part time, and this is the only way it’s possible for me to do what I do. Also, I earn a lot LESS than him, so it’s not about financial gain, but about developing my career. Are my kids suffering? I ask myself this all the time, but I don’t think a man in my position would ask themselves this question nearly as often… -
Marie June 27, 2012
We chose to ‘have it all’, but for the most part, men didn’t get the memo that us having it all meant them also having to contribute on a domestic level. So we forge our own careers, earn our own money, and then marry for love to a man who, deep down, sees the housework and kids stuff as our job, no matter what else we do. If we are lucky they will ‘help’, but really that’s all they see it as, giving the wife a hand because they’re nice guys. Ok, so I am venting because my husband is home from work with a MINOR injury, and I am leaving at 7am to go to work and returning home at 7pm to put dinner on the table, and he told me the other day that when our baby arrives he thinks I should cook every night because I won’t be at work. But I think that yes, we’ve created these choices for ourselves, but there’s a long way to go before we have actual domestic equality.
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Mary Longford June 27, 2012
Anne Powles…I agree entirely. No one can have it all. I gave up a career and overseas holidays and many other luxuries because my husband and I chose to have me home with the children when they were young and we are able to manage our basic expenses on one salary (I know this is not the case for many women). I wouldn’t expect to slot back into where I was career wise after several years off. Why should women “have it all”, men don’t.
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Erica June 27, 2012
Oh please. Another tedious epiphany. We each have to decide what is important to us and then prioritse. It has always been that we can’t do some things we want. That’s life – for men and women. Stop whingeing and just get on with it.
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Bernadette June 27, 2012
What is “it all”?
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Melita June 27, 2012
I think “it all” means having a career and a family. At least, that is what it means to me. I can’t imagine there would be room for much else!!
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Bernadette June 27, 2012
I’ve got a vested interest in raising the next generation. Both my son’s parents work (e my husband and I) and he sees how we negotiate and handle that interesting concept we call “our daily life”. Sometimes it’s too horrendous for words and sometimes, well, it’s not. We’re doing something right, however, when he’s sitting at the kitchen bench listening to Phillip Adams on the radio and when Phillip says “mankind” my son yells “it’s humanity”. My son is the employee/employer of tomorrow so what we’re doing now has to have an effect on the way he participates in his future workplace.
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Bernadette June 27, 2012
Given that Nora Ephron died in the past couple of hours, maybe there’s something in this. Stick with it – she talks about ‘having it all’ but it’s well into the speech.
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Melita June 27, 2012
Oh! I didn’t know Nora Ephron died! I’ll look at that link, thank you.
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Mother Nature. June 27, 2012
I THINK THE TRUTH MAY BE WE CAN NEVER HAVE IT ALL, BECAUSE LIFE IS NOT THAT SIMPLE. BUT I HAVE TO SAY THAT BEING A STAY AT HOME MUM, FOR MY CHILD WAS THE BEST THING FOR ME PERSONALLY. I FEEL LIKE LIFE, HAS SHOWN ME THROUGH MY SON, THAT THE BEST JOB IS BEING,able to BRING UP A RESPONSIBLE ,CARING AND GOOD CHILD INTO A WORLD THAT HAS SO MANY , young people, turning to violence, suicide, surely the up bringing has to count for something…. CHILDREN really need more time than what most parents give. of course this is my view….
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KayO'Sullivan June 27, 2012
Balance, be buggered. There’s no such thing.You just get on with it, and keep your fingers crossed that the kids understand…eventually. And as for roping men and getting them to contribute their fair share, balls to that. It ain’t about to happen anytime this century. Why? Because it’s just so much easier to go to work than to parent.
Finally, which employer is going to make it easier for women at this precarious time in our economic history. You might say I sound negative, I say I’m realistic… -
Meredith June 27, 2012
It didn’t take me long as a single mother, with no financial support from my ex, trying to pay a mortgage, raise a child, work full time and study at night to better myself, that there is no such thing as balance. Something always gives, someone always suffers.
You can have it all but not all at the same time. Sometimes you have to rethink your priorities- smaller house? smaller mortgage? Holidays? Private school education? You don’t have to have everything right now, some things can be put off till later. Remember when our grandparents lived in the same house all their lives, went on their first overseas holiday when pop retired and sent their kids to the local schools? Our parents didn’t turn out that bad did they?
Imagine if we lived in a world with 2 years parenting leave so our kids could be raised by mum or dad for those crucial foundation years. Imagine if our employers asked us, what hours work for you? Imagine if we still had communities where we could all keep an eye on the kids?
The current model is broken. -
Reannon June 27, 2012
I have worked in some form or another since my first baby was 10 months old. I have always tried to work around my family schedule. This means taking on roles that pay terribly, have no future prospects & are rarely satisfying. I tell myself it’s ok & that it’s my choice because I understand if I want to work to earn money & be there for my kids something has to give. It’s frustrating as hell but I’ll never take a job that takes me away from my family. I still have moments where I need to choose work over family. I’m never there for assembly or class trips but I’m there 3 afternoons a week to pick them up from school. I can get them to sport or friends places but it’s a juggling act! I know my current employer wishes I’d work more than the 30 hrs a week I do but it’s not doable for me. If that means I stay in job that is going nowhere until my boys finish high school in 8 years than so be it. It’s as good as it’ll get for me I think.,,,
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Carole June 27, 2012
Nobody can have it all. Something has to give. It is the decisions that are made that cause the most pressure.
I know too many mothers who work outside the home who kill nearly kill themselves being superwoman in trying to be domestic goddess as well – because of guilt mainly. Get over it! if you choose a career through want or necessity then domestic work has to slide a bit. Train your kids to do stuff, train hubby to do stufff, stop being picky. when hubby or kids do things but the standard is not “up there” – so what! Be firm with them, expect stuff to be done and if it isn’t let them live with consequences. eg i refused to wash anything that wasn’t in the basket – guess what happened children and hubby ran out of clean clothes and had to wash and dry before work and school. Tough. They soon learned. in fact learned so well, that i ended up not washing anyones clothes, they were washing mine. thats just one example. we ended up with a mother that was more relaxed, weekends became family time, not cleaning time. Our house mightn’t have been a model for Tidy house but it wasn’t dirty. -
Ainslie June 27, 2012
While I am aware the stats are appalling when it comes to the difference in pay between men and women (worst in 28 years i think. ) it is not due to legislation. In fact there are specific laws specifying women should be paid the same as men when employed in the same positions. E. g. A female teacher earns the same as a male teacher.
Where the difference lies is in culture. The rate of pay was based on the breadwinner ethic (where men were paid according to cultural ideals of providing for a family: wife and children). Womens wages were set accordingly when they entered the workforce and therefore paid less as it was not recognized women needed to support a family. ‘women’s work’ is also typically undervalued as seen in female dominated industries such as nursing, human services and teaching.
Combine this with male dominated industries, which are valued more and therefore economically remunerated accordingly, you will get a gender pay gap. It is also to do with the ‘patchwork’ economy, due to the minIng boom as women are not typically found in the industries necessary for the mining sector to flourish. -
The Huntress June 27, 2012
I honestly have no idea if we can or can’t have it all. But in truth I believe that to “have it all” (that is a good career and raise a family) we need to look at how we live our lives and structure them around what is important.
By assessing what is important in my life I freed up many, many hours. Was it important that I spent an hour dusting every Saturday? No, I hate dusting, no one is our house has allergies and I don’t care if there’s dust. Excellent, there’s an hour I can spend baking cakes with my son. Was it important that I spend 2 hours doing a big grocery shop for staples every week? No, so I got online to Aussie Farmers Direct and have a weekly standing order of staples delivered to my house (for free) so there is always nutritious food available and I have an extra 2 hours to take my son out to lunch on a Saturday. And so on.
It seems like a silly little idea, but it came to me in one of those dark, sobbing moments, wondering why I couldn’t do it all. I truly believe that we need to drop and not adhere to what our grandmothers standards of a clean house were (ie. shining windows, scrubbed front step and dusted skirting) as it only wears us down and honestly, is not that important. My friends don’t examine my walls for fingerprints when they come over, they come to enjoy the company I can offer them because I’m not scrubbing walls.
All in all what I am trying to say (very, very poorly, with terrible, stereotypical examples) is that women perhaps need to give up on some traditional roles that we expect of ourselves (as well as expected of us) and throw them away. Do the things that are important, like spending time with the kids, catching up on the latest research that’s important for the career and chatting on the phone to an old friend you haven’t caught up with for countless months. Nobody lays on their deathbed wishing they’d cleaned more windows or wiped more picture frames or adhered faithfully to what is culturally expected of a “good woman”.
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Jennie June 27, 2012
At the risk of sounding smug, which I don’t mean to do, I believe I do actually have it all, and the reason is that my husband and I really are absolutely equal and he takes just as much responsibility for the house and the kids as I do. When this happens, both partners can have a fulfilling career and happy kids – obviously there are still bad times and crises, but mostly it works well and feels great. I have a demanding yet wonderful career, and my husband does as well, by juggling who needs what at different times and the other picks up the slack at home. So a lot of this is about having a husband who actually ‘walks the talk’ in terms of seeing his wife as an equal member of the partnership. My husband actually calls himself a feminist, and he despises men who work equal hours to their wives yet leave most housework to the women. This is untenable and unfair, and women know it, but there just aren’r enough fair-dinkum great men to go around! Perhaps this generation can’t solve the problem, but we can focus on teaching our daughters to only accept a man who functions in the home as an equal partner to her, and we can teach our sons to be such a man!
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Melita June 27, 2012
Hooray for you and your husband. It’s not smug, it’s a great example.
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Annie Also June 27, 2012
Who are these women who have ‘careers’?
Who are these women who ‘want IT all’ (whatever IT is)?
Who are these women who want to have children and farm them out and deal with them effciently then ‘hope one day they will understand?Are they women who stand at your supermarket and slide your groceries through, or sew seat covers in a huge factory, or clean your floors for you? Are these career women or are they trying to ‘make ends meet’, not trying to ‘have it all’…THESE are the majority.
When are we going to finally fight for the ‘right’ to do our career of raising the children we chose to have? Why is this not considered honourable, dignified, and a career, one that should be compensated for by the community and appreciated? It is WORK.
What will your children thank you for?
Overseas trips, newer better clothes, next new gadget, more stuff?
Nope.
By the time they are independent ( and god knows most ‘career’ women do not encourage their kids to get a job at 14 and become independent by 18) they will thank you for;
YOUR TIME, your love, your ‘being there when they needed you’, for believing in them, for being at the school when they are sick, given an award, performing etc. They never EVER thank you for going to work and having a career.
Children for the first three years deserve their parent full time, 24/7! They need to be the centre of your world so they can move out of it and move on. If they don’t they will need you longer than you can imagine.I have nothing, except;
Three independent ( since 17) educated (went to uni on Austudy and went hungry) socially aware, caring employed children.(far away from us…but they did and went where work was).
I have their father with me still who loves us all, who has been chronically ill since he was 40.
Having it all means to me; health, independence for children, simple life with not much ‘stuff’.
I have not been overseas, but my children have.
I have not had a holiday for years, but my children have..they come home and share their experiences with us.
I have nothing ‘new’ in my home but it is warm, safe and where my man is.Hope we reassess what ‘it’ is and help provide for those who choose and are fortunate enough to have babies for at least three years full time so children can feel the boundaries, the discipline, the love and acceptance of carers who happen to be a parent.
You never know when illness, accident or life will hit you between the eyes. ‘Careers’ are rare, romaticised, and finally stop. Relationships with your children are forever. -
Kim Beedie June 27, 2012
I think we can have it all but at different times, in a world where most of us will work well past our 60s there is time to do it all, in my 20s I lived my job, loved it and was on top of all of it. Had children, went back to part time work and the juggling began I still believe I am good at my job but bottom line one of us goes to the school event, the play etc. The years are flying anyway, in the next six years my children will be grown, and I envision another 20 years of living the job. So it is, to a degree with today’s boundaries, choosing the right time to work and the right time to parent.
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Louisa June 27, 2012
Having it all was never something I thought about or was encouraged to aspire to. I had two kids in my early 20s. For the first 10 years I studied very part time. I eventually got a Masters degree. Most of the time I was a single parent and cleaned houses and laundromats when the kids were at school to make ends meet. I was actively involved in their school community and having fun with them. When they were in their mid teens, years of voluntary work and local activism led to the start of a fulfilling and well paid job in local government. In my early 50s now I have a thriving consultancy business with enough flexibility to take time off to be there for my parents and my first grandchild. I fully expect and want to work for another 15 to 20 years. When I look back I realize that none of this was planned. Having children so young meant I had boundless energy. University was free for most of the time I studied. I worked in very supportive workplaces and was a very supportive manager. Having it all was a combination of great good fortune and opportunity. This discussion has made me realize how much I have to be grateful.
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jackie June 27, 2012
We never hear a man saying ” I’m very lucky, I have a wonderful wife who not only works full time but also helps with the housework.’
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Melita June 28, 2012
Ha, ha – very good point, Jackie!
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Benison O'Reilly June 27, 2012
Don’t know if I have much to contribute, except to say congratulations to The Hoopla for this piece.
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Mater June 27, 2012
Why do women assume that those of us who work & have children only work for material gain (see above references to overseas holidays!). I work to keep our (modest, suburban 14 square) home over our heads, to pay off my HECS debt & to serve the community (I’m a public servant). I hold a professional position but only work .5EFT (20hrs p/w). My employer is supportive in general, but I won’t get another job because NO ONE wants a part timer on their books. I have to b grateful & happy that my career is dead in the water. Why can’t I continue to advance in my career part time & raise a family? I could certainly do it!!!
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single mum June 27, 2012
Yes, you can “have it all” – depends on what your personal “all” is – with organisation, teamwork and good money management. I too work for material gain and pleasure – proud Qld public servant of some 25 years (unprofessional, minimum wage position) + a casual job for the same period and it’s to keep a roof over the head of my 14 year old, to provide decent healthy food + fantastic life experiences. We get no support from her dad nor the Govt (personal choice). I have been back at work since she was 6 weeks old with no guilt nor missing a single milestone. We’ve taken four 6 week overseas holidays in the last 7 years and have a lovely, comfortable life, good friends and family (even though my mother can’t understand my methods – but boasts of her well-rounded straight-A granddaughter). The mortgage is shrinking and I own my own car. My “all” is good
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Melita June 28, 2012
Oi! Single mum, you should run workshops!
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Kaz June 27, 2012
I think it is a personal decision. Some women make it work (but count an emotional cost), some women choose to sacrifice their careers for their families. I always thought I could have it all, easily, but as my children have grown I’ve discovered it is too hard to have it all (& I have a fantastic husband) without guilt, without missing things, and without feeling like I am stretched too far. At the same time as I realised this, I also realised that for the forseeable future (10 odd years) I wouldn’t progress in my career without sacrificing my part time status at my workplace. That prospect made me realise work would soon become a chore, and a terribly boring one at that. That led to a decision to undertake a career change, which has led to a job that has me out at night & over the weekend. Husband now does the 9-5 office job & domestic stuff a few evenings a week. I am here of a day with the youngest child, and there of an afternoon for the older children once school has finished. This arrangement works well for now, and sounds good, hey? Except that as a result of making these decisons, my salary has more than halved. So, to have a more emotionally comfortable work/life balance, we have a less secure financial situation. It’s all a trade off.
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Tess Zed June 27, 2012
Questions about having it all is a middle class debate. Working class women have always raised kids and worked full time – they are the original super women. It is only since educated, middle-class women started having ‘careers’ (and not just jobs) and children, that it became a debate about ‘having it all’. Not there is anything with that -things do need to change – it’s just an observation is all.
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Chris June 28, 2012
I take my hat off to women who have children and work full time. I really don’t know how they do it. I stayed home with my three boys because then (70′s on a farm) that is what you did. I now work full time, turning 60 this year, so in a way I have had “it all” but in stages. There are still family commitments, ie grandchildren, ageing parents who need our support, so still trying to balance both. Any parent who does it on their on and has to work as well really needs our support. I personally think all buildings/workplaces shoud have childcare facilities to make it easier for mothers to re-join the workforce and definately job share for both parents to be able to give their children optimum care. Kids need their parents and they need them not just when they are little, they face so many difficulties in this world they need the stability of knowing that there will always be a parent or adult they can rely on to be there for them. They are the future.
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Lisa June 29, 2012
Having it all or not having it all is just a matter of opinion. I too was working long hours and raising a family with three children and it was a hard slog.
I have now been fortunate enough to find my very own job/business where I can have the work life balance and achieve as much as my heart desires whilst being a great role model for my children and society.
If you think you can’t have it all then you just haven’t discovered how to do that yet. I am willing to show anybody from any background and any age group how they can have it all and have plenty of time to enjoy the fruits of their labour. I will show you how to do it with pure love and joy and leave a legacy for your children.
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Rosie June 29, 2012
Really the only people who can have it all, that is career and family and be happy with it, at the moment is married men with a wife at home to look after everything domestic. And that is the problem. So many of the comments are brilliant but they are missing the point here and there, that until women stop being suckered into the ‘it is a woman’s place to look after the home and children’ myth we will be stuck in that horrible place! Sure for a lot of women it is the BEST thing to be the primary caregiver and cleaner and cook. I thought this would be the case for me, ha ha ha! Apparently not.
Men are equally capable of caring for house and home and it is their duty as parents to do so and not just lump it on women. ‘He helps with the washing up’ is not good enough. By a long shot!
Society has not really changed all that much and we still argue over the same things. Read any Fay Weldon short story from the 70′s. Nothing has changed! You will cry and rage and wonder what can be done for our daughters. I do! -
Louise June 29, 2012
I resent my vagina and womanhood because of the lack of fulfillment it has given me, left to raise and care for kids on my own after giving up good career to do so and feeling cheated abused and unfulfilled. Feminism said it was possible but it lost momentum and women suffer. I expected so much more of life, than a lonely badly paid gruelling serial problem-filled subsistence. The world is setting itself up to enshackle women even further. I am glad, at age 58 now, to not be here to witness it! My life has been a near-dead loss! The values adopted by the coming generation are consumer-based drivel. A magnificent con job. I agree, nothing has changed and the male-based injustices and abuse I have experienced will perpetuate on! So sad, so sad.
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Sere June 29, 2012
LOVE it Huntress
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Mel June 29, 2012
LOVE this article. I say this after long months of studying for an exam I sat today as I progress through second year medicine. I went “back to uni” at 37 and am just loving doing it. I have a love-hate relationship with mother guilt, but mostly I’m dealing with it and get on with being a mum and a student, both full time. My husband is awesome, running his own business and sharing half the load of parenting and running a household. It’s about shared vision. Some men are just get it.
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Joannie June 30, 2012
This is the topic that just won’t go away – and it won’t until we have substantive institutional change that accommodates our aspiration for some form of equal or egalitarian arrangements within families. I have set up an internet site with links to numerous and relevant articles and blogs. It isn’t possible to hold back the ocean and this issue is proving to be a tidal wave see: http://www.maternalhealthandwellbeing.com
Speak to your local member, keeping raising the topic in the media, talk with your friends and family, what will these new arrangements look like? more power to you – Joannie -
Leo July 1, 2012
One thing I keep reading here is that the men folk in many families don’t take on enough role in the household duties. This is generally because their parents, and mostly their mothers, have allowed them to get away with not having home responsibilities.
Change does need to be made from the inside. And it needs to be done by the parents who have young boys NOW!! Change the gender roles at home and you can change them in the workplace. Until boys see that men have to be equally responsible for a balanced homelife then they will continue to be selfish and support the status quo. Why do we think a lighbulb might just one day go off in their heads because we all look exhausted???
How many of you have husbands who do the bare minimum hosework and then carry on like they deserve rose petals scattered at their feet?? Who let this happen? sadly, the mothers of the past.
It is too hard to change a man once he’s fully grown. No amount of legislation is going to change workplaces if 50% of the workforce don’t see the point! So it’s too late for them and a burden that may have to be endured for a while. We need to look to the future
Are you a mother of boys? Then stop treating them like the golden child who is perfect in every way and needs to do boy things and shouldn’t be expected to work at home. Piffle!!
Take a deep breath, hold firm and teach them domestic skills. Teach them now to share the burden of their wives in the future…..
Two old lines seem somewhat fitting here: ‘The sign of stupidity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result’. And, to steal the words of an old Whitney Houston song ‘I belive that children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way’. -
Dirtgirl July 2, 2012
My experience in terms of work/family balance was dealt a nice blow when my firstborn was 2. In order for me to apply for a promotion (I’m a teacher so ANY promotion is not something to sneer at) I was told I HAD to work fulltime. In other words, I couldn’t do the role at 0.8 of a load! Firstly, that was a load of BS and I know it because several years earlier there were a few people in those roles on a part time basis. But alas, the school chaged the policy and now in order for me to progress in my career,,, I had to do so on a fulltime basis. As it happens, I got the job and did manage it and my household although there was one thing I noticed at every school holidays….I hardly knew my child. Little mannerisms, actions etc were new to me and it was at that moment I realised that working fulltime as a mum and trying to raise small children would inevitably require some serious sacrifices…unfortunately for me…it was knowing my child. Staying at home on maternity leave with #2 and having #1 at home 3 days a week has also shown me something…that staying at home for me isn’t an option either. I find that I have so much more to give to the world, to accomplish not for any bigger house, or car or holiday but to myself as a human being. So women working is partly about finances but it also has a lot to do with expanding one’s mind, experiences and contributions to the world. And I want my children to at least see that being an active member of society is a fundamental component of being civilised…and that activity doesn’t have to be paid work of course (it can be volunteering at your kid’s kinder, or helping a charity, or studying) but for most women…it means working especially for those women who have ‘careers’ so to speak. So…I agree…women cant have it all, all of the time without something fallling off the tracks. I guess now it’s up to women to work out whether it’s worth fighting for or to demand change. I personally would demand changes be made to working conditions to support mothers and fathers especially in the first 5 years of their children’s lives. there is no doubt that a kind of disattachent occurs in kids of working parents….and that is NOT the fault of parents but of society which has allowed these conditions (19th century ones!) to be maintained. In this age of skype, technology etc it really is inexcusable to NOT find more flexible working arrangements. Progressive schools are changing their learning spaces to become flexible to encourage personalised learning…why can’t work spaces be similarly changed?
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Lynn July 2, 2012
My biggest issue with the original article is that she misses the points:1. feminism didn’t sell to women they can “have it all”, capitalism did. Feminism gave women choices, capitalism asked them to aspire for more 2. by defining “having it all” as such, the system is rigged to only have a small subset of women “succeed” and 3. fails to address the very system that advocates for 60 hour working weeks (for anybody really) and how it impacts those who are not middle class.
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Lucille February 11, 2013
Nora Ephron died in June last year.
