DIVORCED MUMS THE FINANCIAL LOSERS
Statistics out today paint a gloomy picture of the financial hit women – especially mothers – take in a divorce.
The study, led by the Federal Government’s Institute of Family Studies, shows it takes divorced mothers six years to rebound financially from divorce, with household income dropping significantly, particularly in the first year.
Conversely, men’s income continued to rise – but emotionally they suffered longer than women.
“While the research showed some women were able to return to their pre-divorce income after six years, through re-partnering, increased labour force participation and government benefits, this was not the case for divorced women with dependent children, who found it more difficult to combine paid work with family responsibilities,” reports smh.com.au.
“The research shows the employment rate for divorced women with no dependent children was far higher than those with dependent children, particularly in the first couple of years after divorce. Five years after divorce, however, the gap in employment closed significantly. Divorced women also received a greater portion of their income from government benefits than divorced men.”
“The report – based on data from the Household, Income and Labour Dynamics in Australia study – also showed divorced men and women have less household assets than their married and never married counterparts.
“While the assets of those who divorce are $180,000 to $190,000 less than non-divorced people, the gap doubles to $360,000 to $390,000 six years after divorce.”
But emotionally, women fare better than men.
The study reports that men still felt emotionally isolated six years after a marriage breakdown.
“After two years of divorce, 24 per cent of men said they felt isolated, compared with 12 per cent of women. After six years, more men (19 per cent) than women (12 per cent) still reported feelings of isolation,” says the smh.com.au
“A total of 35 per cent of men reported feeling ”very lonely” two years after divorce, compared with 25 per cent of women, and after six years, 26 per cent of men still reported loneliness compared with 20 per cent of women.”
Over to you… what is your experience of divorce? Did you take you take a financial hit? Have you recovered? If so, how did you do it?
52 Responses to this article
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Simone July 24, 2012
I took a major hit. I’m a small business owner with no option but to plow through this horrendous financial climate with not only the business to tend to, but also the huge mortgage I was left with, two kids and barely any emotional energy to deal with any of it.
As for men being sadder longer…I’m not sure I can agree with that in practice. They seem to find a new partner to ‘make them happy’ a lot faster than women do. Women tend to concentrate on the kids and healing after a divorce…men go find someone to make them feel better. Apparently, as a woman, you’re more likely to die in a plane crash than find a new partner after the age of 40! The option for any kind of happiness, or indeed, financial security is VERY slim for us.
Three years in now…I really hope it’s not another three years before I can see the light.
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WENDY GREEN July 24, 2012
I divorced 17 years ago and was left with 4 children ranging in age from 7 to 15.
My ex insisted on our assets being split 50/50 – despite the fact that I had the kids to support. Because our marriage breakup had to do with domestic violence, I couldn’t argue without fear of retribution so I settled for 50% of our assets.
With a deposit of $90,000, still no bank would consider lending me money to buy a home for my children. When my ex got re-married within a year of our separation, and as he was self employed, he didn’t declare all his income so Child Support payments were a lot less than they should have been. I drew on my capital just to live as the govt benefit for single mums wasn’t enough to rent a decent home and try to keep our living standard at some degree of ‘normal’ for my grieving kids.
Yes, I took a financial hit but the emotional toll was far greater – on me and the children and this is not quantifiable in monetary terms. I had to re-join the work force earlier than I’d planned and relied heavily on my older children to get the younger ones off to school when I had to start work at 7am.
It took about 3 years to recover, but only because I was lucky enough to meet a wonderful man (willing to take on me AND my kids) and got re-married. Life has been a lot sweeter since then : )
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Nat July 24, 2012
A friend of mine is owed almost $10K from her ex in child support.
She is struggling. She has tried legal avenues. Yes they are her kids, so she finds he money for school, for clothes, food and everything else kids need on her own. He has walked away from the financial responsibilities of his children.-
WENDY GREEN July 24, 2012
That’s a common scenario, Nat, and all too familiar to me, sadly.
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Lynne July 24, 2012
I consider myself lucky because I had a career and an average income and therefore didn’t have to rely on anyone to support me. I also paid for everything for the children as I was the primary income earner.
It was hard starting again financially with a smaller house in a cheaper suburb and yes, I took a hit on things like savings, super and quality of life. I see that I will have to work until at least the age of 70 to make sure that I have enough money for retirement, but that’s normal, I think. I know I am luckier that most other women because I did have that separate source of income. My divorced friends without regular income of their own have really suffered, as have those that worked part-time or had major career breaks to bring up the kids. But hey, money is not everything and I am now happier than I ever was when married. -
Hawkesbury Lass July 24, 2012
Divorce is always going to cause financial stress, as you are splitting pooled assets and careers. It falls harder on women because of inequality in their pay and working hours. The fact that women with children do usually take a back step for a while just makes it worse. While that might be recognised explicitly during the relationship, as it was in my case, too many divorcing men manage to forget all that and see their earnings and their career progression as ‘theirs’. That was one of the most distressing aspects of my divorce!
After five years, I’m in a good position financially and career-wise (due to hard work and having the foresight to keep plugging away at a career when my kid was small), but my ex’s position is stratospherically ahead of mine. I don’t mind, I would not choose his life. But I do see female friends who are going to suffer mightily in old age and struggle now because the sacrifices they made as younger mothers have made it hard to get into the workforce at the same level as their now former husbands.
Simone, there is love after 40, and you’ll find it the best. It took me a while to find someone I could see as a partner (a divorced man who is compassionate enough to recognise that his partner is in a financial mess because of just this situation). He’s gorgeous. There’s someone like that for you and your kids too.
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Tracey HB July 24, 2012
Love your name Hawkesbury Lass, I’m a born and bred Hawkesbury Lass and glad you are out and through the other side of your divorce.
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SallyE July 24, 2012
Financial recovery after divorce is always sped up by repartnering – and men repartner so quickly. I was left with STD ( sexually transmitted debt) and a 10 hour a day work ethic that leaves little space for finding a new partner. Two years on and I am terrified of next year when the youngest leaves school and the child support and family tax benefit ends but the expenses remain the same. The ex is now happily living with wife number 4 in her home and living off the rent from the house we used to own together.
I recently read that the fastest growing group of newly homeless people is the single over 50 woman who is divorced and is forced out of her rental when she is retrenched or retires. The public housing sector has not caught up with this demographic yet – new public housing is generally for families. The only solution may be for women to get together and form cooperatives to create the housing they need at a price they can afford.
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WENDY GREEN July 24, 2012
What a great idea, Sally!
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Julie July 24, 2012
There are some women’s cooperatives beginning to start up. Very common in America and Europe so they have to come here. Women over 50 are in dire straits financially. Those who divorced in the 80s often did not get any child support at all and have never recovered financially from raising their kids alone. The only ones I know who have- are those who got remarried
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Amanda Milledge July 24, 2012
This is not news. That is why it is important for women to maintain a place in the workforce while they do their mothering. We need to chnage the way we work so that it can more easily complement being a parent. Australian wrok lomger hours than any other OECD countey and yet many talentd women are underutlised and under paid. We need to share the breadwinning and the caregiving more equitably
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Amanda Milledge July 24, 2012
oops – hope you can see through my typos. I clicked the vital button too quickly.
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The Huntress July 24, 2012
It has now been 4 years since I split from my partner and it’s going to take me approximately another 5 years to pay off all the debt left over from that relationship. It was a violent relationship that was difficult for me to extricate myself from, so I ended up leaving with nothing but my car packed with my clothes, books, cds, my sons most important toys and a mountain of debt he had racked up maintaining his addictions.
I am lucky to find myself married in a stable relationship now, with a degree and a partner with a generous income. It makes me so sad, however, that I have to carry so much debt as a burden and it’s deifficult for me to contribute to the household as much as I would like. I suppose in one way it’s good I have a work ethic that makes me feel like I don’t ever want to retire, because frankly I don’t think I could ever afford to.
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Robbie M July 24, 2012
My sister had to run from her abusive ex with 4 children. She has had to live on welfare and is at the mercy of the rental market (having had to move 7 times in the last 9 years), clothes shops at the Salvos and has her glasses stuck together with stickytape as she can’t afford a new pair. He remarried within a year, and now lives in a palatial new home with new cars, motorbikes, holidays, dinners out etc. He has his own company and can hide his income. His weekly contribution to each of his children is $30. It doesn’t even come close to feeding them, let alone everything else. My sister is living in poverty, he is laughing.
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Fran July 24, 2012
Kids of divorce are the loosers. I have been divorced for 12 years now and look back on the struggle with no income (not in work force except part time jobs whilst raising 2 children)no child support (ex husband not working so not paying child support after having employment all our 20 year marriage he also went bankrupt so I had to sell everything and also left me with a debt of $15,000 to pay -took me 8 years-so I didn’t go bankrupt) let alone the emotional side. The anguish my children suffered was so much more than mine I had to get over looseing my best friend, lover and confidant, they lost everything and had to selvage a relationship with each of their parents separately. My kids are in their mid 20s now and are productive and happy humanbeings(my daugter got married last year, the day she married I asked her if she worried about making the right choice”You showed me mum that you can always leave”),they can see what happened to there parents from an adults perspective and understand perhaps more than us how painfull and bitter and how to go without, divorce is, they have many friends from divorce and having money will not protect kids from the pain and bitterness that goes with divorce.
When you can bear no more remember – your children are suffering along with you 2 fold so how painfull it is for you it is twice as painfull for them – compromise and don’t fingerpoint, walk away don’t retaliate, forgive yourself and the marriage, give yourself a break and don’t be too judgement on yourself
Keep the kids informed the best you can without finger pointing and eventually the struggle will lesson and an understanding can be reached.
They say it take half the time you have been with a person to get over it. I got over the person in about 5 years and over the marrige in a bout 10 years I was married for 20 years give.
I am now happy with my boyfriend of 8 years and do not forget my past marriage but I forgive it people evolve at different rates hence divorce -
Jo July 24, 2012
Yep – I took a hit financially, but it was worth it as it was what it took to get rid of him. I was prepared to wear all the debt etc. just to be free. I had more belief in myself and my abilities on my own without out him than I did in him and myself when I was with him. So yeah, but it was worth it and 20 years later has proven to be one of the best decisions I ever made.
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Helen July 24, 2012
No surprises in this research. It is obvious from the comments that having kids are the main reason why women are the ongoing losers – as a childless woman post-divorce I was curious to see if women without children also found themselves worse off..?
My own experience is that I managed to hold onto the house (which I had essentially bought anyway) but now with a really frightening mortgage (and half the income to service it!).
I also incurred more substantial legal fees due to a blizzard of lawyer’s letters I paid for in an effort to reach an long-winded (and from his side, acrimonious) effort to reach a property agreement without having to end up in court – and pay even more lawyers. (Outcome, a lot more than he deserved, but about what family court might have handed him.)
I also can’t help wondering if women may tend to do worse out of this because they capitulate too much and agree to too little (just a generalisation) – which has long-term implications. I can only imagine this might be compounded if you are trying to protect children from further emotional upheaval and damage.
I only say this as I know I was tempted to give in to his outrageous demands because I felt some guilt as to how it ended and because I just wanted it to be over and free of him.
But I hung in there because I realised my financial future really was riding on as good an outcome as I could manage. And I could afford to – I was lucky.
It’s a major long-term concern that women aren’t able to build their assets post-divorce for a comfortable retirement, (superannuation has a built-in bias towards couples as the basic assumption is that there will be two of you contributing, with the male earning more and without dropping in and out of the workforce).
My advice is get a legal agreement through a lawyer protecting your remaining assets (if you’ve managed to hold onto them) from future relationships.
It’s good to be careful!
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Hawkesbury Lass July 24, 2012
Hi Helen, I think some of the commenters on this thread have pointed out that they were in violent and abusive situations when they left so weren’t prepared to fight, which is fair enough. Getting out is a victory.
In low conflict situations however you might be right. In my case, I remember saying to my lawyer that I didn’t want a fight with my ex or his family and he sternly admonished me that I might say that now, but in five years when those relationships were gone I would kick myself. So I dug in and, lo, I’m still on really good terms with his family (if not him).
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Helen July 24, 2012
Thanks Hawkesbury Lass, in my comments I certainly don’t mean to confer any sense of judgement on women in this situation. I also experienced violence in my relationship.
A good lawyer is a true gift!
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Anne July 24, 2012
Financially I will never get on top of things. After 12 years I work long hours to care for our children, and can’t see myself retiring, ever. My home is substandard, I have not been able to afford clothing for myself, dentistry for any of us, or time off from work. My ex husband has been able to escape his responsibility to help provide for our children and he is very comfortably off. Child Support has been unable to assist – he knows all the tricks. Don’t get me started on the psychological cost to the children……
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Alice Shaw July 24, 2012
We did not split our assets in half. He said that if I tried to include “his” business (started after we married, I sourced the real estate and worked unpaid in said business, silly me) in the assets he would take the children from me. So I gave it up willingly and walked away with my kids. And so I was left to bring up my two little children on my own. He is self employed and declares a very small income, and when he stopped paying child support one week before Christmas last year he was given six months, interest free to clear the debt. I was not given six months interest free to cover the debts incurred due to lack of child support. Oh, and he did try to take the kids from me after all when he decided he was sick of paying child support after 8 years of divorce. He was unsuccessful but it took an enormous toll on my children and I. He continues to enjoy overseas holidays every year.. lucky him
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Meg July 24, 2012
I’m not surprised the research suggests that women are happier than men post breakup especially where children are involved. You have to ‘appear happy’ for your children even if it’s hard!
For myself, things get worse financially every time my ex partner has another child with his new wife the child support assessment through CSA drops! How is this justified?
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Airdre Grant July 24, 2012
ditto and ditto. The men re- partner oh so quickly ( don’t those new partners ever wonder?) and the woman (ie me) are left to raise the children and do all that entails , which means less paid income and more holding it together on every front. Which we do willingly. We love our children. The men seem effortlessly able to move on, move away and relinquish responsibility. Why is it such a common story?
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Hawkesbury Lass July 24, 2012
The Child Support Agency seems only to work if your ex is a PAYG salary earner (or is honest enough to pay the correct share), and doesn’t keep having kids! I don’t know what I would do without it.
It is good news to hear that women do better emotionally afterwards. Deadbeat dads lose their relationship with their kids, which is sad for the kids, but at least they’ve got one good parent fighting for them! Most kids from single mother families grow up respecting the work, both paid and emotional, that their mums put in. It’s a pity that government agencies don’t reward this with better pension schemes or a child support agency that nails the income of small business operators.
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Matt July 24, 2012
Depends on who had what when they came in to the marriage. If my wife and I ever divorced (God Forbid) she would do very nicely thank you compared to when we met.
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Older and Wiser July 24, 2012
As a high-earning woman who was the sole breadwinner in a seven-year marriage, I too have been financially devastated by divorce. My ex-husband, who squandered most of the assets during the marriage on bad investments, has taken the bulk of the rest of it through spousal maintenance payments and a very big settlement (because he claims he can’t find a job. Don’t get me started). I have primary custody of the kids, but because he takes them 2-3 nights per week, he qualifies for the top level of child support. So having lost most of what I earned in the past 30 years, I am left to financially support my children single-handedly, while he spends the child support payments on going out with women. Both the CSA and the Family Court mediator told me that as a mother/breadwinner, I “fall through the cracks” and “don’t fit the formula”. The mediator told me it is very common for high-earning women to suffer financially, because the system treats them as high-earning men – failing to recognise that they ALSO care for the children. As for the children’s father not spending a cent of his support payments on the kids, the CSA told me “we don’t have the right to tell someone how they spend their money. We trust they’ll do the right thing by their children.” Ladies – if you’re a high earner – be very careful who you get involved with.
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Tess January 16, 2013
I am in the same situation as Alex. I am in my fifties and after 20 years was out of the blue sent a solicitors letter stating I was separated and must leave the house and that I had kept my ex husband financially short. In fact he refused to work for 16 years. He now has his mother living with him, my three teenage boys and with $1800 maintenance, centrelink & carers pension he earns more than me. My children come to me at the weekends but with the conflict (my ex only contacts me when he wants more money) I have no idea how long this will continue. He has the house and is now after my superannuation. I will be paying child maintenance until I am 59 years old. I cannot change my job without permission from CSA and they have also told me they cannot ensure payment made go to my children who I know he leaves his mother in charge of my children when he frequently goes out. I will never allow myself to become vulnerable to another man as long as I live. When I realized he was trying to turn the children against me I lost all feeling for him, if he ever succeeds I will learn to hate.
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Amanda July 24, 2012
My story doesn’t sound nearly as traumatic as some of those above. But I am going to post anyway…
15 years ago I divorced after 23 years of marriage. I quit my job, packed my daughter and myself up, left everything behind and moved on. I enrolled my daughter in a new school in a new city and enrolled myself at University, something I had been deferring for a very long time.
I estimate it took about 8 years to recover financially. The first three years post-divorce were the most difficult. I did not receive child support (the ex conveniently ‘retired’). While I studied I worked part-time jobs (I had three at one stage) ranging from cleaning toilets to HR management while I juggled a full-time study load and tried to raise my daughter. It was an exhausting time and one I would not want to relive. The upside was that I was one of the luckier divorcees because I had the support of a much stronger woman – my mother. I can never thank her enough for the practical support she provided – a roof over our heads.
I left university with a $7k HECS debt – which wasn’t too bad and which I paid off quickly. After graduation I found a job that, while not paying above award, offered excellent career options. I worked my butt off and took every opportunity for advancement that came my way. I don’t earn megabucks but I do earn a respectable income. I was lucky enough to be debt-free when I divorced. Property settlement although small ($57K after legal fees), was put aside until I was in a position to reinvest. I will probably never be financially independent, but I almost own my own home and have just finalized the purchase of an investment property which I hope to pay off before I retire!
My mum and my daughter tell me they are proud of me. I guess you can’t ask for more than that.
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Marc July 24, 2012
my wife cheated, then left me and she got the kids.. i have paid child support ever since 2 days after she took off, and i have been doomed financially ever since, i lost my house, now i have a new partner and 2 kids and i can barely afford rent and fuel, yet the ex is going to Disneyland for 3 months, i havent been on a holiday since 2000 so some women might come out bad, but some dads who do the right thing are certainly losers too.
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Alice Shaw July 24, 2012
I think the other thing which makes it difficult is that many women are forced by the courts to stay in a particular area. I was forced to stay in an extremely expensive city, far away from my family who were offering significant support. I moved to the city because my ex wanted to move here.. I am now stuck. Forcing women to stay in areas with excessively high rents and with no supports close by also has a huge impact on their financial circumstances.
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CB July 24, 2012
I applaud anyone who puts their children first because raising a family is a really tough gig even if it is also rewarding. It’s expensive, it’s tough to juggle the demands of a family with work, and we’re in a country where house prices and the cost of living are so ridiculous that it’s little wonder we’re all stressed / agro / struggling.
Divorce is rarely pretty. I’ve seen a few of my female friends go through tough breakups and have seen the impact of having to suddenly raise their kids alone. I’ve also seen the impact of the knock on effects on men – particularly those who go into a second marriage or take on the responsibility for being a step-parent.
For example, one friend is trying to support two families (his ex and his new) on a single salary which has meant his second family has had to leave the city to survive financially (i.e. cheaper housing) and he commutes. His ex doesn’t bring in an income at all and he has to pay the mortgage on an expensive property in Sydney and support two children. So his second family lives with a much more modest life and it puts enormous strain on him, but he’s trying to do the right thing by his kids.
A relative got involved with a woman and her young son, however after a year or so it started to break down because she couldn’t control her spending and she actually had siphoned a lot of money from him to fund a ‘lifestyle’ he couldn’t afford (he has a small business). Unfortunately – he discovered way too late – she had no credit rating because of past debts from her first marriage (which contributed to the break up) and she had been very clever in hiding her poor financial history and he has now got a lot of debt that she has created. They are broken up and he lives in the shed at the back of his house because she refuses to leave and find somewhere else to live (though she pays no rent, despite his attempts to get some money from her). He’s tried all manner of ways of getting her out, however she has effectively left the care of her son to him and she will come down to Sydney and stay with friends here for days on end, then turn up at home and try to be her son’s “friend” to make up for it. For the boy’s sake, he’s tried to keep provide a semblance of security but I dread to think of the long term consequences this situation is going to have on him and his stepson.
I think that for all the ratbags out there who leave their wives and children in a deep hole financially (and emotionally), there are also men who really suffer too even though they are trying to do the right thing by the kids.
And while most of the time men will generally have the advantage on the earnings front and women are at a significan disadvantage, men often find themselves in near poverty supporting their ex and kids when a marriage fails.
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Lea July 24, 2012
It makes me so sad and very angry when I read these stories about women’s experiences after divorce. I have experienced much of the same and now am definitely so much worse off financially but better off emotionally and physically.
I did my post grad psychology thesis on the impact of the ex spouse on the life satisfaction and affective states of women with children ( yes, it was quite cathartic after an acrimonious divorce) and my results showed that the women who had the highest levels of life satisfaction and most positive affect (emotions) were those women who, by choice, took no child support and who had sole custody (i.e dad NEVER had the children not even for weekend visits)…. And this was largely because when the father wasn’t involved at all, women had a better sense of being in control of their life and being able to move forward, rather than being constantly at the mercy of a man who may or may not make child support payments or who may or may not agree to take the kids on the weekend. It may not the be experience of every woman of course, but it was a result based on a large enough sample size to say there was statistical significance.
I once wrote an email to the Prime Minister’s Office (at the time it was KRudd) after reading some article about homelessness, and pointed out that the group at greatest risk of homelessness was the divorced woman who has raised children by herself. I hoped to have at least some acknowledgement of my letter but received absolutely NOTHING! I think at the time I wanted to access some of my superannuation in order to have a bigger deposit for my home and although I knew that I wouldn’t be able to get at it, I wanted to make the point that if people could access the money that was RIGHTFULLY theirs earlier on, they might have a better chance of NOT ending up homeless. But I guess that was too logical an argument for the bureaucrats to comtemplate!
Anyway, I am glad to hear that others are thinking that women communing together is the way to go because this is what I think will save us. We can’t rely on politicians, clearly, to do anything for our demographic since we are apparently invisible, so we are just going to have to work together to find the solution…and you know what, when we do find that solution we will still be happier than we were when we were married to the person we divorced!
Three cheers for all those amazing women who hold this society together with their fortitude, their courage and their belief in themselves. You set such a fabulous example for your children, and for that I applaud you!
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Tania July 24, 2012
I separated just over 3 years ago after 10 years of marriage. At the time my children were 5 months, 2.5 and 6. At the time we lived in a rural area, we had moved there for my xh’s work and family – after our split I wanted to move back to the city and he wouldn’t agree, so I had to go to family court for relocation. Essentially i was put on trial and had to prove I was a good mother (he wasn’t asking for custody, just that I had to remain there with the children so he could see them when it pleased him) even though our split was because he had an affair with a 21 yo which started when i was 5 months pregnant with out youngest. I was allowed to move but at a HUGE cost… my legal bills ended up at $80k. Even though i had 3 young children to suppor the family court gave me 60% of all assets, but since the real estate market has died our house has not yet sold and 3 years later i’ve still received no money. XH pays child support (but manages to under estimate his income) but is about to have a baby with his girlfriend so my child support will soon go down.
My youngest starts kindy next year and I am looking forward to getting back to work, although recognise it is not going to be easy as I haven’t worked in 6 years. I don’t want to struggle financially forever, I’m looking forward to being able to support myself and my children.
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The Huntress July 24, 2012
As terrible as it sounds I don’t feel so alone after reading these stories. I honestly thought I was the only person in the world who left behind all the assets, shouldered all the debt and took sole responsibility for raising a child. Being that I was only 27 and at uni when I did all this, most of my friends were footloose and fancy-free either partying hard students, or people who were many years into their career with no other responsibilities. My friends were wonderfully kind to me, would come and visit when they knew I couldn’t go out and my son was always welcome to every event we held, but it was just so lonely. As strong, savvy women they couldn’t grasp how someone could land in my situation.
Yet hear you all are. I’m sorry for what has happened to every single one of you, but now I know I am not the only one. Thank you all, for your stories.
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Simone July 25, 2012
It’s just awful to hear all of these stories
I do have to point one thing out though…in regards to the men that feel they have it hard because they now have two families to support. I’m not sure what part of ‘you have two families to support’ doesn’t actually compute? If you have a family, you’re responsible for it, no matter what your ex earns, by the sheer fact that you’re the father. If you choose to create another family, you want to make sure you can afford it. Life’s tough. Imagine how tough it is when you can’t even afford to support the one family you have. Then you might be able to understand the lot of a divorced woman. I don’t get child support, purely because my ex thinks that 50/50 is the ‘fair’ way and that it will impact on his new life if he has to pay anything towards his first family. But I agree with Lea on this one. The feeling of control (albeit tenuous) I have from not relying on him for the pittance he’d give me is worth squillions. It’s the hard and often martyr-like road though. I can see the appeal in the children’s father being responsible for more than the food and lodging they get at his place.
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Alice Shaw July 25, 2012
You make a good point Simone. This business of crying poor because you’ve chosen to go ahead and have more children with someone else is really annoying! I have no problem with my ex having another child except that he stopped paying child support when his girlfriend got pregnant!
I would happily give up the child support payments if it meant I got to move closer to my family and had the children 100% of the time.
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VRog July 25, 2012
Even women without children get screwed over in divorce. My ex ran up $50,000 in debt in both our names during our marriage, without my knowledge, which of course had to come out of the proceeds of the sale of our house when we split up. I’m lucky, I had just enough for a small deposit on a house but I could only afford a small house in an outer Sydney suburb far away from my family and friends. I still haven’t fully recovered financially. But I’m now remarried and slowly we are working towards a better financial future. I’m so thankful my ex and I didn’t have kids – I can’t imagine how much harder it would have been.
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Hawkesbury Lass July 25, 2012
Interesting study Lea – I am sure I would feel much better off if my kid was with me 100% of the time and my ex was completely out of my life! That would be worth forgoing the child support, I tell you.
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sue bell July 25, 2012
As a much older woman than your readership suggests, I am very recently divorced. Twice I gave up chances to progress within my career as he wanted to move to further his career.The second move was devastating as I had just been offer a place in a new honours course. I now have a very old and useless basic degree. We then had children. My first child was taken from me in those bad old days of single women loosing their children. My second child died from medical mismanagement and Queensland Government policy so when my third and fourth children arrived I chose, as a feminist to stay at home and grow with them. As older age set in arthritis devastated my life, suddenly I can hardly walk and standing brings on leg cramps. I lost a knee to arthritis. Then he became bored, I couldn’t wander around the city or stand for hours at a gig, I can barely walk a city block. He left and has remarried, neither of his children went to the wedding, someone so young she was only three when he and I met. She was eleven when he had buried his child. The divorce settlement is through. I get 50%. I have a small unit to live in and my youngest child (an adult student) who moved out of home this year still has 5-7 meals each week with me.
He will continue working for years to come (he is younger than me and has a new family to support). I cannot get employment and now need to go on the pension. He has great superannuation, life insurance, a great life, lots and lots of overseas holidays. He brings home 7 times my pension each week, I wonder if I will ever again be able to afford to visit my friends in Sydney or in Cairns.
I have major medical bills and I can only see myself living in genteel poverty, whilst he has a ball and can play the rich doting dad to his children. I am reliant on his good will to survive in any comfort, this means I have to be nice to him, especially for my children’s sake, they do need to be in his will.
None of my women friends got a decent result from their divorces. They are all broke, still helping adult children and terrified of the future. The men? all re-partnered and living really well with a womb to look after them.
All the women are still single and much happier without their ex, I control the tv remote and the hours I go to bed and I no longer live in his side stream of cigarette smoke. -
Marc July 25, 2012
I read some comments regarding dads “choosing” to have 2 families. I like the generalizations made, while some fathers do it wrong by the ex wife and leave her and then have another family and whinge, fair enough. But when you battle all your married life to try and have a happy family,all the while behind your back you are being cheated on,and by no “choice” of your own you come home one day and not the wife or the kids are there,I think a little more lineancy must be shown, or am I supposed to “support” my first family (kids) and also put my life on hold while I pay child support and then once the child support ends then I can meet someone and move on with my life…. I guess I’m sorry I “annoy” people because I moved on and am finding it hard to support both families. (as I’m the only male who posted and mentioned supporting both families I’m assuming the posts were directed at me)
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TMT July 25, 2012
You can move on from your kids? I get that you can and should move on from an ex-wife but your kids?
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VRog July 25, 2012
@Marc, I sympathise with you. I am married to a wonderful man who is a father to 4 kids from a previous marriage. It is a difficult balance for him to meet his financial obligations to his kids, as well as trying to ensure we are able to have a life ourselves. His ex-wife certainly doesn’t make things easy as she can be very difficult to deal with and basically does not accept that my husband has a right to be involved in his kids’ lives, despite the fact he is a great Dad and has never shirked his responsibilities. The story is certainly not as one-sided as people like to present, I accept that, and sometimes the stories of decent Dads who do the best they can for their kids are neglected.
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Marc July 26, 2012
TMT I didn’t say I moved on from my kids, my girls are my life, I said I moved on with my life.
Also I never whinged about supporting my kids,all I said was that men are generalized a lot as being deadbeats who never pay or who do it wrong by the wife. I said that some,not all but some dads lose too in a divorce.-
TMT July 26, 2012
I’m not sure I understand your post then. Were you saying that by supporting your old family you can’t afford your new family? I’m not sure what you were saying.
I also don’t understand having more children when struggling to support the ones you already have.
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Marc July 26, 2012
TMT ahhh on my original post I told my story and at the end of it I wrote how certainly a lot of women come off second best financially after a divorce, but also some dads come out financially bad as well. I pointed it out because every post seemed to generalize that all ex husbands are the winners in divorces, when clearly I’m not.
The example of me struggling to support both families wasn’t to whinge about doing it,it was to illustrate the point,nothing more.
Then some posted that I shouldn’t whinge about not being able to support both families well, and that it was my choice to start another family.
So I replied that it wasn’t my choice to end the marriage,that the ex cheated on me etc etc and I simply asked wether I should wait,in my case, 16 years to move on with my life and start a new family (16 years being how long until I stop paying child support, I have 2 years to go) at no stage did I say that I didn’t want to keep paying or that it’s not my responsibility. also albeit hard to support both families it’s my duty as a father and I will always do so, it was merely an example.
I hope that cleared it up a bit. -
Hawkesbury Lass July 26, 2012
It does, and I get you. I know a number of men who sacrificed a lot when they divorced, in good faith, with little appreciation from the other side. I guess these studies talk about averages, and that tends to gloss over a lot of variation in individual cases. But while women continue to give up their income and career prospects to have children, and while wages remain low for women overall, the gendered imbalance in that average will also continue.
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Tania July 26, 2012
I read the replies to this topic on another website and i have to say there were a lot more negative abusive comments, so glad we haven’t got that here!
Poor Marc being the only man on here commenting!! I get what you are saying, I do, but then you wonder if you have to put your life on hold to ‘support’ your first family? I don’t know the statistics, only my own case (and my friends) and that is EXACTLY what I’ve had to do. My ex had an affair – i found myself a separated Mum of a 5 mth old, 2.5 and 6.5 year old. Some child support and a HUGE legal bill. That was 3 years ago, and while I AM happier i have had to put my life on hold. I have my children 99% of the time (The children’s father has them on average 1 weekend per term, even though he fought in court for lots more and was awarded it) so i have no time to have a life of my own aside from my children. As I mentioned in my post above, 3years on and we still haven’t had a financial settlement so i’ve had no money from the divorce… all the while my ex claimed in court he was in a financial crisis. This financial crisis has included 2 OS holidays, an investment property and a new car for his girlfriend in the last year alone. His girlfriend is about to have a baby which means I will receive less child support for my children, even though their needs and expenses are no less. So yes, while it is your right to move on with your life and have more children if you choose, it does impact on your children negatively as they receive less child support.
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Marc August 2, 2012
Tania, is your child support fixed? I have been paying $650 a month since day 1, when my 2 boys weren’t even thought of, once they were born my payments never changed. Perhaps you need to get yours fixed to a certain amount so it doesn’t go down. (before I get attacked I’m not whingeing about the amount not going down,I’m just stating that mine hasn’t changed and I’m ok with that)
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Kathg November 20, 2012
I understand both sides of the equation, I am a re-married mum of 2 from first marriage, my current husband is a dad of 2 from his first marriage.
My ex husband did not work one day in 18 years of marriage, my husbands ex wife did not work one day in 23 years of marriage.
My ex took all assets, I mean absolutely everything! The house, furnishings, cash in the bank etc. I was left with a 20 yr old motor vehicle and $98,000 in debt. I am self employed, have been for 15 years. I lived out of my car for 3 months, my 2 daughters stayed with their father as my living conditions were unsuitable.The minute I was able to get into a very dodgy rental they both came back to live with me, by their own choice.
I agreed to this settlement as I was advised that I could have to pay him spousal maintenance, on top of a similar result, if we proceeded to court. I receive zero child support.
My current husband settled with a 85/15 split to his ex wife. He also pays ongoing child support of nearly $300 per month, and has 40% shared care of his youngest son. (Oldest now grown up).
At the time we married we had dreams of being able to have a child together, but unfortunately my husband has had his work hours reduced, due to GFC, and as his CS amount is fixed I am now assisting him in paying it, plus putting my oldest daughter through uni, with my youngest set to go next year, then in 6 years time it will be time for his son to do the same.
Obviously we have now both realized the cold hard fact that we will not be able to have a child together, as it will be too late by the time we finish CS and educating our children, in addition to re-paying my debt from my first marriage.
The brightest thing I can look forward to is a late retirement with a man who deserves so much better than he has been dealt, as he is the most emotionally supportive person I have ever had the good luck to meet, yet alone marry. -
Alex December 26, 2012
The family law needs to be re-written in Australia. After an 18 year long marriage with 2 children an 2 live in maids looking after them, my ex had cheated on me and walked away with 3/4 of the properties and I can barely see my children. All I do is to pay the $1500 child support and look for the 4 hour fortnightly meetings with my children that say “I am not their father any more”. Luckily I am still in mid 40s and have some hope to recover financially so I can retire. I don’t have any issues with getting married again, but I’ll make surre the prenup is signed in case the history won’t repeat again.
