THE WINE BAG. THIS IS JUST SILLY
Seriously, someone invented this. Someone thought making a wine cask which looks like a “designer” hand bag would be a super excellent idea.
“All the chicks will love it”, a very stupid person declared in the marketing meeting. “Soon, they’ll all want one.”
No, we won’t all want one.
Firstly, it is ugly.
Secondly, it is ugly.
And thirdly, it is ugly.
But aside from that very obvious flaw, it is also stupid.
And it is too small.
Everyone knows that no woman would be caught with an ugly, stupid bag that couldn’t hold their booze as well as their make-up and their wallet and their phone and their kid’s snacks and a spare pair of knickers and their sunglasses and 15 scrunched up dockets and an iPad and 12 half-used coffee loyalty cards and three skanky hairbands and a bottle of nail polish and a half eaten cookie and a box of tampons and some tissues and “somewhere in the bottom where you can never find them” car keys etc.
This is why the handbag cask will never work.
And you know what else will never take off?
This camouflage hat with straws won’t take off.
I’ll tell you why it won’t work, because it only holds two cans at once. And there’s no spot for the wine. Also I know it’s “camouflaged”, but c’mon do you really think nobody will notice you walking around with that on your head?
Perhaps you could get away with this neat contraption under your jumper.
But in all seriousness, most women I know do not want to accentuate their beer bellies. They would prefer to aim for a different sort of six-pack, preferably one on someone else.
I’d be more inclined to use this vessel for drinking wine, particularly after a long day juggling work and family.
Except, what happens when you polish off that delightful Adelaide Hills Sauvignon Blanc and you’re left wanting more? And where do you put your purse?
What we need is a pull-along, wine cask trolley.
One which keeps vast amounts of wine chilled, yet also holds all our handbag contents, plus a pair of headphones so we can not hear our children asking for “something to eat”, plus some chocolate, plus a snuggie, plus a “rabbit”, plus some yummy cheese, plus a good book, plus a chocolate self-saucing pudding, plus a pull out bed and a photo of Ryan Gosling… topless.
What would you put in your trolley?
MORE STORIES BY BIANCA WORDLEY
*Bianca Wordley is an Adelaide-based blogger and writer who is the publisher of bigwords. She has worked for The Advertiser, The Sunday Mail, Independent Weekly, The Times, Australian Associated Press, Adelaide Hills Magazine and read the news for ABC Radio. You can find her on Twitter: @bigwordsblog.