When I was a kid, Mum won Lotto.
I was beside myself and ran around telling everyone who lived in our cul-de-sac to make the most of living next their nouveau riche neighbours, because we were about to go and live on Easy Street.
In my head, I had already moved to the fancy part of town, a few suburbs over. We would have a swimming pool, a double storey house and half a dozen ponies, perhaps even a whole zoo. Plus we would definitely be getting rid of the lime green Toyota Hi-Ace. I suspected we would upgrade to the popular Nissan Bluebird. All the fancy families had one, and goddam it, I WANTED IN ON THE FANCY!
The dream house Mrs Woog’s family didn’t buy when they didn’t win the lottery.
The streetlights flickered on, signalling for me to head home. I bade my former neighbours farewell, for I would most certainly miss them, and went to find the hero of the day: Mum.
I started talking to Mum about my upward ascent in the social pecking order when she informed me that wehad won the lotto.
We had won $20. And I had to go and get ready because we were going out for Chinese to celebrate.
One pink lemonade later, and all was forgiven.
Winning the lottery. Is it all that and a bag of prawn crackers?
British man, Michael Carroll famously collected his win, equivalent to $15 million Australian Dollars, in 2002 wearing an electronic monitoring tag. 8 years later, the former garbage man collects the dole, having blown his fortune on drugs, gambling and prostitutes.
The year 2002 was a great year for Lotto Winners! American Andrew Whittaker (right) won $315 Million. Over the years, that massive fortune was whittled down to nothing due to gambling and bad deals.
His daughter and granddaughter both suffered from fatal drug overdoses. Whittaker now claims that he wished he had torn that ticket up.
And then there is Callie Rogers, who was just 16 years old when she won $3 million in the UK Jackpot. Callie spent years spending up on drugs, partying, new boobs, properties, cars, holidays and gifts.
She had two children, whom she lost custody of, and attempted suicide.
To win lotto, you need a ticket. Last week there was a small queue at the news agency, lined up to buy a ticket in the 70 Million Dollar Oz Lotto Jackpot.
For some reason, I decided to buy a ticket. I was a lotto virgin!
I stood in that line and listened to the folk in front of me communicating what could only be described as some very complicated orders.
Wads of cash were handed over to the newsagent. Big wads.
I started to panic because I didn’t know what to say.
I mean, do you just say “One ticket in the 70 Million dollar competition please?” and hand over a dollar?
The woman in front of me barked out her request with the skill of someone who had done it hundreds of times. She collected her ticket and stepped aside. My eyes met the dead eyes of the lady behind the counter, and before I could stop myself, I said;
“I’ll have what she’s having….”
The Newsagency lady told me that THAT was a Solo Auto Play System with Ten Games, and that would cost me $12.50.
Because the line behind me was growing at a rapid pace, I did not feel I had the time to ask her the hundreds of questions rolling around in my head. Mainly, what were my chances of winning the $70 Million and if I did win it, would she like a percentage of that win, as a thanks for selling me the ticket.
There was no time, because she had already gone. Moved onto the next customer. I was cast aside like an unwanted scratchie.
I will tell you this for free. Get yourself organised before you stand in that Lotto Line. There is no time for frivolous questions or even a sniff of stupidity.
I didn’t win the Lotto last week. No one did. So tonight it goes up to $100 Million Dollars and guess what?
I am out. No interest.
And not because the line scares me, or if I win that I am likely to blow all the cash on new boobs and hookers.
I am just happy with a plate of sweet and sour pork.
I mean, a tiny bit happier if I was eating it in Shanghai…..but happy all the same.
What about you? Do you play Lotto?
Have you ever won anything? And do you think it would make you happy?
MORE STORIES BY MRS WOOG
*About Mrs Woog: “I can be found in the laundry, folding laundry, sorting laundry and dropping off the dry cleaning. I am mum to two boys, boss of my husband and master of a cat and two guinea pigs. Come nightfall, I watch TV while tweeting which drives Mr Woog insane. I like to read cookbooks and eat out. During my waking hours I ferry kids around in the Mazda while drinking takeaway coffees and listening to talkback. I think about going to the gym every day. I used to work in the publishing industry before I realised it was nothing like Elaine Benes from Seinfeld made out like it was. Now I write this blog. And I never get writer’s block. It is a gift I have.” You can follow me on Twitter @Woogsworld.