DON’T WHIMPER. BE A LIONESS!
Like most working women, I’ve been sexually discriminated against.
It enrages me that women still face many more obstacles at work than their male colleagues. And it’s enraging to hear one of Australia’s top female political leaders, Isobel Redmond, advise young women to ignore it and it will ‘just disappear’.
South Australian Opposition Leader Isobel Redmond. Photo via The Australian.
It won’t disappear – and we need some lionesses to rage about inequality in the workplace.
However, there is a part of me that understands where Ms Redmond is coming from.
I’m a feminist but my roar has been a mere whimper when I’ve been faced with situations where it has been easier, dare I say, safer, to ignore what was happening, because I was fearful of what speaking out would mean for my career prospects.
Early on, when I was a receptionist I remember male ‘stars’ handing me Playboy magazines – opened at the centrefold – and asking me to comment on the position and appearance of the model.
Now, I’d happily tell them where to go but it was my first job and I didn’t have the confidence or courage to say anything. I remember shrugging my shoulders and felt myself turning beetroot. These blokes would try to ask me out, question me about boyfriends.
This conversation was not okay.
These men were much older than me, far more senior and were abusing their position by forcing their inappropriate conversation onto me. I felt so uncomfortable but felt I couldn’t escape. I was trapped by my desk as they leaned over the top of it.
Thankfully, the mother hen who sat next to me, rescued me and quickly told the blokes to shove it.
I didn’t want to go back to work, anxious about what would happen next. It was a relief when I found another job.
A few years later, in yet another newsroom, I recall a boss rubbing against me in an editing suite.
I was too shocked to register what had happened. I managed to bolt out of there; lock myself in the toilets and have a little sob. Of course I didn’t make an official complaint. Even though I knew it was unacceptable behaviour I also knew that if I made a fuss it would mean saying farewell to working in that newsroom. When I was seriously considering leaving journalism and doing something different fate intervened and I got a chance to move to another role.
I’m no shrinking violet. I can cope with a lot of crap that comes my way. It’s okay if you’re in a position to hurl some of it back. And I’ve learnt to pick my battles.
One fight that I decided to wager during my tenure as a news presenter was over reading the major news story.
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35 Responses to this article
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Fiona May 24, 2012
I think a lot of the women who have been there done that need t keep being those mother hens
Show that we can speak up! -
Julie Morgan King May 24, 2012
“The pragmatic side of me knew that it was sensible and smart to walk away.”
In 1999 my mother was dying and I needed an operation: a decade of rheumatoid arthritis meant I could barely walk. I had already taken a semester off as a tenured academic to spend time with mum. We were renovating at the time and living with my mother-in-law who was deteriorating with demetia and Parkinsons. I had three small children and a husband who worked 12 hour days in a demanding and difficult job.
When I requested another unpaid semester off work, the Dean of the faculty suggested a coffee session. Over the course of a creepy, ever-smiling half hour, he urged me to resign. Faculty funding was at an all time low and he needed to prune staff. I walked away feeling sick and resigned my hard-fought tenure the next day.
I’ve never resolved in my mind whether my decision was smart or just desperate. My life changed from that moment, not always in a good way. Relaunching a working life has been extraordinarily difficult and while I take comfort in knowing three gorgeous now grown up children have had a hands-on mother for the past 13 years, I have earned no money as a writer and my working life has been painstaking and frustrating. I can take comfort knowing many hours of unpaid work have been of benefit to others, I suppose, but really, I always imagined this kind of work would be occupying me later, in my twilight years.
I never stop wondering if I should have exercised my industrial rights back then and fought harder. Hindsight can drive a person mad.
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Jane Caro May 24, 2012
I roared from day one in the workplace and that is what kept the touchy-feely, rub-up-against you creeps away. But they hated me for it and I was constantly criticised for being a bitch and hard to get along with. Neither of which were true unless you wanted to get your rocks off by groping or leering. I am strong minded and opinionated but I have never been a bitch. I play the issue, never the person.
I had a girlfriend who fled to another state because her parents refused to believe that the respectable, old family friend dentist she worked for stuck his hand up her skirt every opportunity he got. Instead, they called their daughter a liar and lost her for good really. She could think of nothing else to do but run away.
As a junior copywriter I lost my first new business pitch opportunity – awarded on the basis of my talent – because the male art director didn’t think the male oriented product we were pitching for was one I could contribute to, because I was female. He’d just finished working on a skincare campaign so I asked him how come he could think like a woman but i couldn’t think like a man? He stared at me with his mouth open, eventually sputtered out that perhaps it was his problem but he still wouldn’t work with me on it. Maybe that’s why they called me a bitch.
However, when I got fired at 4 months pregnant – illegal even back then, but I knew that if I made a fuss I’d never get a job in an ad agency again, so I slunk away, furious but silenced.
Ignoring sexism has never made it go away. Calling it when you see it, defending young women who experience it and standing up to sleazy, sexual bullying and unconscious bias is tough but necessary. When we refuse to acknowledge it, women internalise their failure/discomfort/fear and blame themselves, thereby doubling the damage. Ms Redmond needs think about why she needs to keep placating, pleasing and protecting men.
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Jenny MacKinnon May 24, 2012
Thank you to the high-profile women who are speaking out on this issue. They are the Mother Hens we needed when we were younger. The younger the woman (or the less power she has) the more likely it is she will experience discrimination.
My favourite memory of myself as a young feminist in the workplace is this: I worked as a waitress in a ‘posh pub’. The apprentice chef kept touching up all of the waitresses. The Chef told him off constantly, but it achieved nothing. I appealed (twice) to the manager of the place, who told him off, twice. It still did not stop. BTW this was a good workplace, in the days when this kind of complaint would have normally been laughed off. In the end, I got so sick of it. It was the end of lunch service. I walked past apprentice, who was in habit of lounging against till near kitchen door, fingers and hands waving about to catch whatever body part walked past him. I smiled seductively at him and crooked a finger at him to follow me into the kitchen. He followed. I gave him the best right hook of my life and sent him flying about three metres across the empty kitchen floor. Chef just shrugged. Manager of hotel pretended nothing happened. Apprentice never harassed the waitresses again. I’m not advocating violence, but this punch would have not been anything different that he might have exchanged with a man, had there been one around with the balls to really get him to knock it off. This was an act of resistance and I am to this day proud of it.
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Cate May 24, 2012
Standing up can be a hard road. It can leave your career, your life and your reputation in tatters. The “blame the victim” mentality is strong in Australia. There’s a lot of lip service about women’s rights and equality, but when push comes to shove, the boys stick together…and even a lot of women stick with them. Never let your “nice” be mistaken for “weak”.
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Barry Rutherford May 24, 2012
My only 2 cents worth on this issue is that Women have been quite dominant force in the decision making about my life. And I am a man. Or maybe I’ve been a mouse too!
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Tracey May 24, 2012
Luke most women I’ve experienced workplace harassment and discrimination. Sometimes I railed and sometimes I whimpered and sometimes I managed to rise above it. My fundamental problem with it is that I think for the discriminator,it’s about power, not sex and time and time they achieve their purpose because we end up spending so much energy either girding our loins or getting distracted by it. Personally, I think girls/women would do well to up skill in public debating and do some time in aggressive team sport to build their resilience and personal power – to avoid the distraction and keep focused on building their skills and experience and professionalism.
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MrsP2011 May 24, 2012
Jessica’s story isn’t news. Most of us have probably experienced it in one way or another. My first experience was when I was about 16 and walking around to the local bus stop to catch the bus to go to work. A man on a bicycle, whom I had seen regularly riding past, exposed himself to me. At that age, I was scared witless. When I went home that night I told my parents and from that day on, my younger brother accompanied me to the bus stop. On one of these occasions not long after, the man rode past again with the same intention. My little brother threatened him in no uncertain terms. We never saw him again. The second time was when I was about 18 and started working as a secretary for a one man band in a Rushcutters Bay office. Won’t go into details here except to say “exposure”. (Funnily enough, I hadn’t thought about these two particular unpleasant incidents in my life for a long time, until just now). Jumped on the first bus back to the employment agency that sent me there. I really do not remember what happened after that except that I ditched the agency. I have worked in many areas – hospitals, unions, fire brigade, law, television. At the risk of repeating myself. Television is one of the worst offenders when it comes to sexual discrimination / harrassment but it’s not the only offender. Law firms are notorious for it as well. By the time I went to work in television I could damn well look after myself with regard to this issue. My boss at TEN was furious when I told him I was resigning from my role as Exec Sec to him because I wanted to go into the Production area of tv. Don’t get me wrong, that was one of THE best jobs I have ever had and he was a great person to work with. He did however threaten me – out of spite – that he would ensure that I would never work in television again. I had also been working on GMA in the mornings as a production assistant before going up to my other full time job as Exec Sec with him. Suddenly, that job on GMA was no longer available to me, and I understand from the then News Director, that he had been told not to give me any more work either. Naturally, with 3 kids to look after, I left and took up temp roles with an agency. Determined that his threats would not stop me, I applied for production roles at SBS, ABN, Channel 7 and Channel 9. I had offers from all but Channel 9 and took up the job at Channel 7 and became known as “the best Production Assistant they had ever had”. Over the years since leaving 7 I have applied many times for jobs with Channel 9 unsuccessfully. I guess, in a way, he did have the last word. One of his best friends was the long time GM at 9. Over the years, I have experienced further unwanted attention and my stand by response is “Don’t touch what you can’t afford.” Works every time. In this instance, I agree somewhat with Jessica. Stand up for yourself. You know what your rights are and don’t back off. At the same time don’t tackle the issue with your steel capped boots on either. What women need to come to grips with is that, contrary to what some feminists would have us believe, we do have the personal power within each of us to fight the good fight against such issues as this – on our own, without having to resort to treading that useless path to HR. It is my belief that women do themselves a disservice by not adopting an attitude of “you know what mate, you’re an idiot and if you keep this up I will take it further.” I am a believer in (1) ignore; (2) don’t touch what you can’t afford; and (3) if all else fails, carry out your threat to take it further – in that order. We all know that perpetrators rely on inaction and idle threats, empowering them even further. Once again, I go back to my childhood and my parents who instilled in me the values of Self and standing up and fighting your own battles. A motto to remember if you find yourself in this position: Self First, Self Second and if there’s anything left over, Self Last.
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Alice Shaw May 24, 2012
I don’t think we should ignore discrimination in the work place but I too have chosen my battles and then slunk away, sometimes with regret. I will continue to roar on behalf of myself and of my daughters however. I now work in a female dominated industry and I find that I don’t have to deal with sexual discrimination like I did as a young receptionist, when I was told I could get men to like me by giving them “blow jobs”. True story. Or when I was told few women look good in trousers and that I was to wear a skirt or dress to work or not bother to come back in.
No matter what, I will never encourage a colleague who may be sexually harrassed or discriminated against because of her gender, to back down and I will support her all the way. Sometimes you don’t win but every time we back away, don’t we lose anyway? I cannot help but remember the incredibly bravery of former deputy state coroner Jacqueline Millege for calling the repulsive men involved in the tragic death of Diane Brimble, what they actually were. I believe she was roaring on behalf of women everywhere when she did that. The price she paid, allegedly, was missing out on becoming state coroner but she did not ignore the extraordinary misogyny and sexism of that case, both of the alleged perpertrators and of the men around her who so publicly put her down. I don’t know whether she regrets taking this battle on but I applaud her for it!
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Linda May 24, 2012
Thanks for keeping us talking about important issues!
I have also been known as “difficult” and worse for standing up for myself and other women. Perhaps we need to remind ourseles that we need to support other women when they are taking a turn leading a local battle? -
susan stanford May 24, 2012
When I grew up in the 50s and 60s it was almost an accepted fact that ‘the nicest men’ sometimes made unwelcome suggestions and ‘brushed past ‘ inappropriately , all men on building sites whisted as a women walked by and that women in the office made the tea !!
I think most women of my era could write a script or two for Mad Men !!
Now that I am older I am invisable ……. I miss the whistles….-
MrsP2011 May 24, 2012
Oh me too Susan!
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Adele May 24, 2012
Good article, but I just want to point out, those first two incidents Jess highlighted are sexual harassment, not discrimination. There’s a big difference, and no-one was saying harassment should just be ignored because it will just go away. Harassment should not be ignored.
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Lisa May 24, 2012
Good article ,I used to be the same I don’t think women grow up until they are in their 30s or my generation didn’t anyway but my 21 year old daughter tells it how it is and does not take crap from anyone ,I hope I helped her learn this and I say good on her.We should stand up for ourselves.
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Jessica Rowe May 24, 2012
Great discussion- hail the sisterhood! And thank you marvelous lionesses!!
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MrsP2011 May 24, 2012
Yay! We are good aren’t we. Speaking of sisterhood, has everyone read the Ya Ya Sisterhood trilogy? Fantastic light reading and sometimes when you get a group of girls together someone will say something and then others will chime in with “Ya Ya Sisterhood”! Read the books, you’ll see what I mean.
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theresa May 24, 2012
as the saying goes – been there, done that, got the t-shirt….
during my 40 year career, i have grown from a lion cub-ess, to the queen of the pride.
I no longer tolerate the innuendos/platitudes/bribery/blackmail/threats (implied or otherwise) of males of the species, either for myself or for my staff.
as the saying goes – i now have balls – and they’re bigger than most
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Robyn May 24, 2012
Jessica, I RT’d you today, as you noticed (thank you) because discrimination of any sort is close to my heart and I vehemently disagree that ignoring it makes it go away. I recently wrote “Equality does not mean sameness”. My belief is too often we try to avoid discrimination by ignoring differences – whether they be gender, age, ethnicity, religion or any other difference. Ignoring something merely hides it and also prevents us celebrating the differences, many of which are useful to society. Gender is one difference we could not do without.
I have been relatively lucky – I don’t think I’ve ever been discriminated against because I am female – if I was, I never noticed. The exception was perhaps my husband’s visa application, but that is a quagmire, so best left out of the discussion! I’ve never gone into a job interview thinking I wouldn’t get the job because I was a woman. I am 56, so I lived through the difficult times, such as when I had to fight the HR department to have the rules changed to let my female staff wear trousers. Was that discrimination, or just an old-fashioned policy?
We need to be mindful of differences and utilise differences to the best for society. Those differences that create fear in others should be examined, otherwise the fear never goes away, it is just hidden.
Given what has been happening lately around the world, we DO need people to stand up and speak out, because I see women’s status, which was fought for long and hard, disappearing. Wisconsin, for example. Younger women don’t know what it used to be like: women expected to leave work when they married – that was still happening when I arrived in Australia in 1974 in certain quarters.
Good for you.
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Liz May 24, 2012
I too experienced this. What woman hasn’t? I teach my young co-workers to make a fuss if anyone comes near them, say that they don’t like to be touched, and record or video anything inappropriate. My current job has a partner who’s language was extremely inappropriate. I told him ” that is inappropriate” enough times for him to stop. Also told him that kind of language could get him sued. We definitely have to roar or it will just keep happening. I have never been one to slink away from a confrontation but you do need ammunition!
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Lady Jewels Diva May 25, 2012
Unfortunately young women are never told they don’t have to tolerate such bullshit, that’s why so many end up with emotional issues or committing suicide.
The whole point of going along with it to keep the job is one that many women seem to share, but I guess telling them to shove it where the sun don’t shine comes with age and maturity and a self respect and dignity that many women just seem to never have.
I personally think your self worth, self respect and self love must come first, and if it means loosing your job them so be it. At least you know you did the right thing by saving your sanity and that a job is just a job, it’s not the end of the world.
Sexist bullshit is going to continue as long as there are men in the world. And old fashioned values that have those men thinking women are inferior and stupid. That is where women need to toughen up and find their self respect, and the guts to take their own life in their own control and not allow some arsehole to dictate what happens.
Why aren’t mothers teaching their daughters to stand up for themselves? Probably because those women weren’t taught to stand up for themselves either.
What does that say about women and all the crap we’ve gone through? That we STILL cannot stand up and defend ourselves because we are too scared.
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Panda May 25, 2012
I’m a bit late to the game, but started I watching Mad Men recently. Only two episodes in and I had to turn it off, I was so upset and angry. The images of women crying in the toilets, parades of leering men, showcased the additional layer of pressure women face to not only keep their livelihoods, but get ahead in their careers. I was so upset because while the show is depicted as being from another time and place (‘that was then, it could never happen now’) I fundamentally believe that these attitudes have simply gone underground. We may have laws and lionesses to stand up for us, but there still exists and entire set of societal ‘norms’ that guide behaviour, from what is acceptable sexuality for women (madonna/whore) to roles in the family (mother/breadwinner) to roles in the workplace (bitch/mother hen).
I could relate to all the stories told above, and could tell a few of my own. Fortunately I too have witnessed diminishing examples, not only because that behaviour is not as ‘acceptable’, but also because my own power. has risen. HOWEVER – I do not think it’s just ‘gone away’. I have also moved into higher paid, more white collar environments. I’m sure it still exists in many workplaces. Bullies are weak, and will turn their behaviour covert for fear of being found out, but they will still find ways to exercise their tendencies. The environment depicted in Mad Men still exists, it’s just gone underground.
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Louise May 25, 2012
Its funny I can only think of one time in 25 years I’d been discriminated against. And frankly I felt those that approved of the red haired lazy git over myself frankly deserved him working for them. (We had researched and constructed a presentation fora bank. I did all the work, he had no idea about any of it …. and they liked him!! eeek) Since then I find I prefer to work with men. I must be some sort of man in my head I think sometimes.
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joleuv May 27, 2012
i worked in advertising as an Art Director in the early 90′s…i had to put up with offensive sexual comments and pretend to be part of the “bloke” humour to get on with the job…got to a stage where i had enough of it and left…was in a design business for 7 yrs (all females)> fell pregnant…an associate business partner (female) commented that i was not to bring the baby into the studio…so i left 2 weeks before giving birth…discrimination can come from both females and males…i was devastated to experience both.
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Aunty Penny May 31, 2012
fantastic article and a great discussion here. My 2c worth is that those of us that are older, now more confident and no longer fearful, need to become those mother hens, and support other women, especially young women, being discriminated against.
I’ve often found that it’s easier to stick up for other people, than it is for yourself. We need to give them the support we wish we’d had.
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Lizzie July 4, 2012
One thing that I have found regarding this and the way women respond is…If you play the ‘mother hen’ and tell them to shut up, the men make disparaging remarks about the woman ‘being jealous’. Awful, no win situation for the woman.
I have copped it in a million ways in a heap of different work environments. I have usually gone for the verbal insult and/or the over-the-top coquetteish taking-the-piss response. That usually makes the man feel like an idiot. But I remember an older woman sticking up for me once and she ended up copping far worse in terms of being accused of no longer ‘having it’, being ‘a bore’ etc etc. In the end, I ended up sticking up for her. But, when you’re young, you do think it’s because you’re beautiful. It’s only when you get a bit older that you realise the men who behave like this are very un-discerning. And very deluded. -
Amber Petty July 12, 2012
Hi Jessica, well firstly I’m a Leo so it’s very easy for me to roar…although you have to be careful as a woman when and how you roar because how you do it can have a huge impact on how your male peers see you and therefore how your career travels after the roar….shouldn’t be that way but it is….I was also a receptionist once and at an advertising Xmas party for our company I walked past one of the senior-ish guys’ offices where he was in there with a few other guys and he yelled out “who us your tits!” as I walked past. I was NOT happy and because I was so young and junior I was unsure as to how to handle it but I did give him and them a look like “really? You think that’s cool?” and then I did also mention it to my boss but said it wasn’t that I was frightened but it just wasn’t appropriate and that said to a more shy young girl, it could have been a bigger issue. He was reprimanded etc and thankfully was sheepish with me more than writing me off. But I think the stronger women in the workplace owe it to the more meek females to give a clear message to the moron boys club what is and isn’t uncomfortable and inappropriate work talk. And that the onus is on THEM to filter themselves rather than expect all women will be feel the same about a certain comment. The great thing about social media is that some of these twirps can be outed and frightened into thinking twice. Hope you’re well by the way.x
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Silvana November 29, 2012
“we’ll monitor him thgonit and do something in the morning.” All this despite the fact that he was in agony, his midsection was grossly bloated, and he was cold and clammy. Oh, by the way, he was also mentally handicapped, a fact that I believe played a big part in the staff’s cavalier attitude.Despite my mother’s protestations (she was utterly beside herself by the time they finally decided to admit him), they did nothing for him except sign the paperwork to have him admitted. Within the next hour he was dead. My cousin walked in to find him blue and not breathing. They coded him but he was gone.The autopsy revealed that he died from sepsis. The impaction had ultimately burst.How could they possibly have missed such blatant signals, with your case as well as my brother’s?Sadly, what I learned from my brother’s case, which was reaffirmed by your case, was that we have to be STRONG advocates for ourselves and our loved ones.Thanks again for sharing your story!
