WE’RE ALL GUNNA DIE. ENJOY!
It turns out there are only so many Everything Is Killing You articles I can read before I stop giving a crap about any of it.
Yesterday, I reached that point.
The latest edition of New Scientist magazine claims that eating junk food may cause Alzheimer’s disease. So there you go. If you need yet another reason to worry every time you eat a biscuit or indulge in a packet of chips, you just had it handed to you. Each sugary, salty snack is bringing you closer to full blown dementia and a nursing home twilight spent trying to eat the pieces off a bingo board.
Don’t do it, Snow White! You know what happens…
The theory is that eating foods high in calories triggers insulin to be released into the bloodstream. Insulin then floods our brains and damages them in the same way that Alzheimer’s does.
At least, that’s what happened with a few rats in a laboratory. New Scientist charmingly refers to it as ‘brain diabetes’, which admittedly has a catchy ring to it but somewhat takes the shine off chowing down on a packet of chocolate buttons or a burger with the lot.
It’s official: we’re all going to die due to our failure to live a pure, perfect life.
I was already teetering on the edge of this conclusion after finding out earlier in the year that sugar is the greatest evil this planet has ever produced. According to the documentary I watched, there’s a good chance I’ve already done so much damage to every organ in my poor, withered body that my inner constitution is similar to that of Montgomery Burns.
This is on top of discovering, quite by accident, that non-stick frypans are giving me cancer. Of course that only happens if you overheat them or burn something in them but how many times have I done that? Pretty much every time I cook, that’s how often. I thought I was eating a chop, turns out I was chowing down on death.
And it gets worse. Even if I’d eaten that chop raw the pesticides on the grass the lamb ate would have entered my system and started their cancerous infiltration. And the animal fat from every meal I’ve ever eaten is probably still coursing through my arteries right now, stiffening them up to such an extent that even if I was unconscious I’d remain upright.
Whenever I turn on the television, jump online or glance at a newspaper, I discover something else that is doing me mortal harm. You know what I think is going to kill me? Trying to keep up with what’s going to kill me.
The mantra ‘everything in moderation’ has been replaced by the puritanical cry of ‘abstinence or death’.
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