@WENDY_HARMER #ABUSIVE MOTHER
It was a tweet that was bound to bring me up a bit sharpish: BREAKING NEWS: @wendy_harmer rejects her daughters artwork #abusivemother.
#abusivemother?
Who needs that hashtag after their name, given the ritual humiliation handed out to less-than-perfect mums everywhere?
My blood ran cold.
Turns out the Fairfax journo, @jonathanvswan was being a bit of a wag, teasing me about a fun and frank comment I had given him about parenting.
I’d told him the story of when my daughter, Maeve (then 7) had drawn a picture for me and I had rejected it as being “not good enough”.
Worse still, I’d done it in front of visitors.
I had been sitting with a table of friends for the afternoon and young Maeve was drawing pictures, ferrying them to the table and fishing for compliments – as kids do.
And she’d had plenty of accolades.
“Oh Maeve, that’s beautiful! You’re SUCH a clever girl. Aren’t you talented?” Etc, etc.
Thing was, as the afternoon wore on, the drawings were being offered at more frequent intervals and I noted that the standard was dropping alarmingly.
No colouring in. No eyelashes on the eyes. No hairstyling. No flowers, rainbows or any of that stuff kids are good at. It was when she handed over a line drawing of a house and a crappy-looking tree with a stick figure in front that I called Time Out.
“Maeve. That’s not good enough,” I admonished. “You can do much better. Now, go back and try harder.”
Her little face fell and then the guests turned on me: “How could you say such a thing?”
Of course, this was years before Amy Chua’s book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother which advocated an Eastern view of parenting; pushing children to excel and succeed, even at the cost of their personal happiness.
One anecdote in the book is about the card daughter Lulu made for her mother’s birthday.
“I don’t want this,” Chua announced, adding that she expected a drawing that Lulu had “put some thought and effort into”.
She threw the card back at her daughter and told her, “I deserve better than this. So I reject this.”
Ahem. Me,”Tiger Mother”? Worn out old “Moggy Mum” is more like it.
However, when does encouragement become empty and meaningless congratulation? When is pushing a child to to do better just plain bullying?
It’s a tough one.
The model of tiger mothering has been deemed “a failure”. Did I have “Tiger Dad”?
When I was in Year 8 and I came home to tell my father I had come second in the whole class in academic achievement, his response was: “Wonderful! Who came first?” The next year, when I did come first, my reward was an alarm clock: “To get you up earlier to do even better.”
Now is the time for you to insert your judgement on father-and-daughter pathology here……………………………….
Don’t think that kids aren’t wise to our frailties and know how to push our buttons.
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37 Responses to this article
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Judy June 25, 2012
Great article, Wendy. As I read it, I was reminded of this quote:
on’t handicap your children by making their lives easy: — Robert A. Heinlein-
Judy June 25, 2012
Yikes, where did that smiley face come from? It’s meant to be a D
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Kelly Exeter June 25, 2012
Ha Wendy this gave me a flash back to high school. In Year 8 I won a host of subject awards so in Year 9 when I won *gasp* only one award, my dad refused to come to the awards night. Now I was a pretty self motivated little thing (aimed high for myself, not my parents) so it didn’t scar me for life. But I look back and think “really Dad?!” I will have to let him know he was Tiger Dad waaaay before it became cool!
As for my own child – well he is only just about to turn 3 so maybe too young for these rules to apply but … we try not to praise him for acting as he should but for anything that he has put a bit of effort into, we are quite effusive no matter the outcome
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Cate Bolt June 25, 2012
Brave article. I agree for the most part. I’ve witnessed Gen Y as an employer and was appalled by the sense of entitlement and laziness of the vast majority.
I have nine kids myself, ranging in age from 5 to 21 so I’ve had the opportunity to see the outcomes of my parenting as they grow up. I’m probably what most would consider a “strict parent” but I balance my iron fist with a healthy serving of compassion and love.
I think that’s the secret. Getting the balance right. Too much of either is a bad thing.
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harryfiddler June 25, 2012
Thanks Wendy, great piece.
I wear my evil mother badge with pride. It’s the only way to survive. Mutual respect, firm but fair and, as Cate Bolt says, a bit of balance.
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Lady Jewels Diva June 25, 2012
Unfortunately, telling a child “that’s not good enough” transfers into “you’re not good enough” and that bloody hurts.
If you got it from a parent as a child, do not transfer it to your own kids.
There is a difference between encouraging to be better and telling them that’s not good enough. It sets your child up for an emotional issue that could last their entire life. And saying it over years, maybe 12 while they are at school, really makes your child hate your guts.
Believe me, I know!
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Random June 25, 2012
Aaah, parenting styles, always a winner topic! Do Dads angst about it as much as we mums do?
Lots of research has been done, and lots more is misquoted or over-generalised. Old concepts like ‘sparing the rod’ and new ones like ‘tiger mother’ resurface in each generation. They’re usually presented as binary opposites, eg are you a ‘tiger mother’ = psychological abuse OR supportive/kind = disengaged parent?. Binary opposites, you’re one or the other, can’t be both.
Hopefully our best-educated-generation-ever young mums are too smart to fall for that. Recent posts I’ve seen by mums (yes, on mummyblogs) are about revelations they’ve had after listening to their children, and observing their children’s interaction within the family and out in the big world.
The finger-wagging by ‘experts’ about peripheral issues are just a white noise backdrop compared to the verbal expressions of confidence and contentment by their children. These are the hero mums for me.
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claire June 25, 2012
There is a serious issue here but I’m not going to comment on it. I just want to tell Wendy that your rejection of your child’s millionth rushed drawing was NOTHING!! But I think you know that already.
What on earth are we meant to do with all their drawings??? We make a lot of pictures at home and then we still get the huge pile sent home from kinder at regular intervals, presented to me by my daughter with an earnest little – this is my beautiful art, mummy. And then, once the art drawer is full, I sneak around trying to get some of them in the recycling. When my daughter found one of her pictures – scrappy paper with maybe three lines on it – in the bin, she cried and cried, pulled it out and yelled at me for being so mean. Then she said – mummy that is precious and you wanted to turn it into dirt in the ground. How could you do that to me?? My daughter is three years old. I cannot imagine what we’ll do with large-scale school projects. Oh god.
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JessB June 25, 2012
Why not get a box (like one that printer paper comes in) or a big clear tub for the drawings? Put it in her room, and when it gets full, tell her it’s time to go through and get rid of some.
That doesn’t necessarily mean throwing them out, you can use them for wrapping paper for grandparents or Mother’s/Father’s Day presents, fold them in half and use them for cards. There are plenty of blogs with suggestions for how to use these up.
Another idea I hear about and loved was to keep drawings and any other special things in a manilla folder, which you weed regularly. Allow enough time to pass for things not to be quite so close to your heart (a month or two) and then take 15 minutes to whip through and make decisions as quickly as possibly about what to keep, re-purpose or recycle.
I am the oldest child of four, and my mum very quickly learnt not to keep everything we all created!
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claire June 25, 2012
Thanks @ JessB. If only!
We have a tub. It is big. A manila folder would overflow after one session. My child is very very attached to every mark she makes on every page, bless her. Maybe the idea to put it in her room will do the trick! But she has not once sanctioned moving a single picture to the bin or recycling.
As for the news that ‘There are plenty of blogs with suggestions for how to use these up’, that is truly hilarious!
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Marnie June 25, 2012
Kids will read what they want in to anything you say. I was 16 when I told my mother that i wished I was as pretty as my younger sister. My mother replied with “Well, you are quite attractive” It scarred me for life LOL. I am now 60 but whenever the subject comes up I say “Jan was always so pretty, I was “quite attractive” but not in Jan’s league of course”
My mother meant no harm and was very kind about my dowdy looks but I wanted her to say I was just as pretty and when she didn’t, it confirmed to that self conscious teenager that she was ugly. I’m sure she made many other comments but that one stuck with me for life. So don’t fret over what you should or shouldn’t say -you can walk on eggshells or be yourself – it the child’s problem not yours.-
Meg June 25, 2012
Hi Marnie
I found you’re comment really interesting. i feel for you that the comment stuck. i’ve had a few of those and even though you want to think I’m not worried about that, the hurt just gets in anyway.
How do you address looks with your kids? especially if one is more blessed in that department than the other.
I think mine are so beautiful but I’m their mum, so therefore very biased. but will they grow up to fit into society’s idea of beautiful? guess time will tell.
I have a twin sister and we look very much alike. one day she was complaining about her low self esteem and trying to blame it on mum (never dad) for not telling her she was beautiful all the time when she was growing up. i just blurted out “maybe she didn’t call you beautiful because that’s not what she thought” sounds mean but being identical twins i am also saying this about myself. i don’t think my looks are beautiful, so why should i expect others too. i also think there is a hell of a lot more to a person that looks and i’d rather encourage my kids to focus less on that and more on personality, etc.
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Mrs P23 June 25, 2012
Wendy, I read this little snippet on the weekend and was silently congratulating you.
I think one of the biggest gifts you can give your kids is a realistic view of the world. In the real world, you’re not ‘special’ and the rest of the world won’t be fawning over everything you do. So neither will I. You have to work hard, and be kind in the process. Resilience needs to be taught as best as we can.
A crappy drawing doesn’t automatically generate oodles of praise from me either. Often, I’ll say something similar to my Big Girl – ‘Honey, I know you rushed this one. I’ve seen you draw so much better than that, sorry’.
But I think Cate Bolt has nailed it – it’s about balance. Having read the Tiger Mother book a while ago, I think Amy C takes it all a bit far – I wished they could have spent more of their childhood thinking about others and acting more like, well, children.
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Benison O'Reilly June 25, 2012
As a mother of a special needs child my bar is set quite low regarding my children’s achievements. Think it’s actually quite a good thing for all concerned.
Some good friends of ours, whose older child has autism, were asked by their school principal what goals they had for their second (typically developing) son. They looked at each other, puzzled, & said: “Err that he doesn’t end up in gaol, we guess.’ !
My eldest son totally underperformed in the HSC last year. For a while I was disappointed (this was my gifted & talented child, after all!) but eventually, when hub & I eased off the pressure, our son actually did a bit of work & got into the course he wanted. (What’s the point in extra points on your ATAR if you don’t need them?) He’s really enjoying uni now & quite self-motivated.
My middle son’s report card arrived last week. He did really well in Maths & Science, averagely in English & most other subjects & disastrously in Religious Education. He’s interested & Maths & Science (which will be the complete focus of his HSC subjects next year) & thus self-motivated; the others he cares less about. While I gave him a half-hearted reprimand I also thought it showed some common sense. He was focusing on his core business!
Loved the art critique BTW. Had a laugh when I read it on Saturday. Kids should not be offered over-lavish praise, as this recent piece in the SMH illustrated perfectly http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life/idyllic-childhood-not-so-ideal-20120605-1ztdq.html
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blu-k June 25, 2012
@Claire – I must admit some of my daughter’s artwork has ended up in the bin, but most of the everyday pieces go in the wrapping paper box, if she objects I tell her it’s so she can share her artwork with other people.
I haven’t bought wrapping paper for ages!!!
Re: complimenting their work, I try to ask questions about pictures etc, rather than just say ‘fantastic!’ but my daughter is still quite young, not sure how this would go with a primary school kid.
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shiralee June 25, 2012
As an ex swim teacher I never told a child/adult what the did “wrong” was crap/bad etc. I used to say not quite but your not far off. They used accept that and try harder until they got it right. They were happy with a “thats it and a high 5 when they got it right. That wy they weren’t made to feel like they were hoorble but they new they didn’t have it yet.
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Erin June 25, 2012
Haha Tiger mother may not be such a dirty word! As an early years teacher (prep/1) so often we have to reprogram our children (making us seem horrible) to not think thy anything is acceptable and praiseworthy. The tears and tantrums when we say, ‘sorry not good enough, how about you try harder, add more detail etc’ children just aren’t used to it. We live in an age where every child gets a trophy, every kid in the class has to get a certificate, to the point where we’ve lost all meaning to real success and praise! Good on you Wendy for presenting it to your daughter ‘like it is’. If your expectations of your children are high (but within reach) and you encourage them to achieve their best chances are yet probably will. This will happen with pushing as well as support and not with empty compliments that make everyone feel warm and fuzzy but mean very little.
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Erin June 25, 2012
Many typos in last message, sorry
For those unsure of what to do with littlies artwork invest in a digital photo frame, take a photo of art and then bin it. Your child is still happy because their work is displayed and you won’t have the clutter! -
Rosie June 25, 2012
Not sure about the box of pictures and then getting your child to keep the good ones when the box is full. Way too much effort! Check out the pic, if you like it say so and possibly pin it up somewhere to recycle at a later date. Put the crap and repetitive ones in the recycling straight away. The kids aren’t bothered, they are already watching TV or drawing you another picture! Or give the pictures to grandparents. They will love them!
I am a strict but loving mummy. Sure I shout but I am good at hugs and my kids have lovely manners (most of the time). There is nothing wrong with putting your foot down! Or asking them to try harder! -
Marie June 25, 2012
My daughter started school this year and I’m learning a lot! I was helping out in one of the classes and was struck by some of the comments from children e.g. “I’m not very good at…”, “I can’t do….”. “is this good?”. That made me sad, as I felt that, for 5 year olds, it should be more about fun and sense of possibilities and wonder – not what they can or can’t do. I wondered how much this tied into the numerous certificates that get awarded.
The need for external evaluation of whether something is “good” or “bad” is, to my mind, concerning. For one, I have seen in my professional work with chilfren and young people, how this can erode self esteem and self-worth – that many people often only feel valued if they are (externally) recognised as being worthy of it. I would like to support my daughter to be her own judge – she’ll know when she has done a “good enough” job….How to go about this, well that’s another question!
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The Huntress June 25, 2012
I think it’s important to tell your children when they’ve done well, but kids also need direction when they haven’t done so well.
Wendy, I can understand the situation you were in with guests at the table and a child constantly interrupting for attention. My son does a similar thing and it usually goes from him being nice, polite and pleasant to being loud, silly and a show-off. As soon as this happens he gets pulled up, told that is not how you behave around grown-up guests and (as it’s normally later in the evening and tiredness is why his behaviour declines) told to say goodnight and go up to bed. Sometimes my friends say “oh, but you always send him up to bed”, to which I reply “Other than it’s past his bed time, I don’t want him to think that interrupting guests with an unrelated anecdote in a very loud voice is an appropriate social behaviour”. It’s not appropriate for kids to butt in on “grown up time”. He’s always welcome while he’s behaving well and conversing nicely and relevantly, but as soon as its out of hand he needs to know. I would hate for him, as a teen and an adult, to think that being an attention-seeker and not listening to others is an acceptable behaviour, when it’s not.
Parents need to guide children and sometimes it’s telling them that they could do better or they can try harder. But I also believe there are ways of doing it that don’t destroy a childs soul (I was always told I wasn’t good enough growing up. No matter what I achieved. Even achieving academic awards from my university wasn’t good enough) and that on those occasions you do need to admonish them it’s always important that they still know you love them. I remember my aunt always telling me”You’re not perfect, but I love you just as you are”. As a teenager it was the best thing I could ever have heard.
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Astrid June 25, 2012
Gosh bad mum here. I have often used artwork to start the fire with! Have done the same with pulling both my girls up for doing a quick scribble on a piece of paper and presenting it with a “for you mummy!” I also get heaps from childcare. I treasure some of them which show creativity and effort, but not the 5 sec scrawls.
I grew up thinking 99% was not good enough from both teachers and my mother through primary school, was not until high school that I found out that I was actually quite smart and not dumb afterall. I hope to find that balance with my girls, praise or encouragement when needed. There is a time and place for them to hear “not good enough”, just not all the time.
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Luella June 25, 2012
Tip for mums with boxes and files full of drawings & paintings – use them as gift wrap!! I did this with my daughter’s art work – even had her do the selecting and ‘help’ with the wrapping. She’s 14 now and we’ve exhausted the supply, altho I still have my faves in a portfolio. Smaller special pics (A4 size) scan well as a jpeg and keep forever in your PC photo files. I loved one so much that she did at 3, I had it tattooed on my forearm.
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lindal June 25, 2012
I don’t think I ever told my daughter that her drawings or any thing she made was not good enough, ever! Isn’t art an exercise in expression? You get some good and some not so great – I think your child knows this, they are smart enough to judge it themselves and deep down know if any “effort “has been made. School work was never a problem, the tasks that were set out by the teacher were completed and I tried to make it seem fun – learning became fun ! Playing with friends after school work was complete or first play then work – it didn’t matter I was flexible with the order as long as it was completed and it was. Years later she completed her HSC and did extremely well with a then UAI of 99.1 and has a career she loves. I think during those years what was important was for her to discover for herself what she liked doing best, my role was to guide her on her path of self discovery – not to judge good enough etc, but to be by her side through it all – life’s good and bad and to know yourself what you can achieve and what makes you happy. If she is happy I’m happy that’s all that matters! As a parent you need to be confident that what you are doing for your child is right, you truly know what they are capable of, be with them and try not to focus on the latest style of parenting according to some headline of the day – they’ll come and go – you’ll be a parent for many years to come. Just help your kids to be by letting them find out what they excel in and what not. What if they are crap at drawing but brilliant readers? Should they be made to feel bad because they can’t draw?
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Sharon June 26, 2012
I love this article Wendy. In order to build residence children must experience failure and learn the ability to bounce back.
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Mrs Woog June 26, 2012
i saw that tweet and thought “Harsh!”. I totally get where you are coming from though, my kids would do exactly the same. x
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Astrid June 26, 2012
I do have to laugh at all the suggestions of using the art work as wrapping paper. I think we would be using it till we were 50 !! Also some of it is just a couple of scribbles on a bit of paper. There are times when it is pretty decent, but there are many that are scribble in less than a minute, really doodles, nothing more on the back of old TAB forms. Not all art work is hand prints and colourful blobs on large sheets of butchers paper
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Amy June 27, 2012
Lindal – well said!! I couldn’t agree more. I don’t agree with telling a child that they should try harder or put more effort in. I want my baby to grow up with confidence & no self esteem issues so I will be praising him on everything he achieves including art work that might not be so great. His confidence & happiness is everything to me
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Tess Zed June 27, 2012
Lindal and Amy, lighten up a little. Of course no parent (well most anyway) don’t want to destroy their childs confidence and happiness. A child not reaching their potential is frustrating, and it can happen even if you try and help your kids by letting them find out what they excel in. Believe it or not, some kids never bother looking! Giving the occasional nudge to try harder doesn’t have to suck the life out of them. I have experienced, and have also been told by other parents, that their children have told them they wished they were harder on them when they were teenagers as they now regret their lack of effort and some choices they made!
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Michelle July 2, 2012
I try to give praise in direct response to actual effort made. As a direct result my daughter is learning that persistence and work ethic pays off and that nothing feels better than knowing you’ve done your best. False praise for slap dash or lazy work does nobody any good in the real world. Learn this lesson early and (I think) you are better placed to raise a self-motivated, resilient and successful individual.
I would have done exactly the same as you, Wendy.
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Juju July 21, 2012
Over the last ten years as a school teacher I have noticed that a lot of students now have far too much ‘self esteem’. There seems to be a pervasive sense of entitlement. Extremes of any kind are not good, whether it be criticism or praise, and we seem to have an excess of praise now. I think society these days expects kids to never experience failure, so they don’t learn to be resilient in how to cope when things don’t go their way. When they reach adulthood and need to compete in a world that doesn’t offer a trophy for ‘participation’, they often find coping hard. A balance of praise and criticism is the best way to help kids develop their skills. I think you did the right thing, Wendy.
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Rhoda July 25, 2012
Kids know when they’re being patronized. Even the young have innate knowledge of their own strengths and abilities and know if they have made an effort. Telling them their work is wonderful because they got 5 out of 10 in tables/whatever is fine if the child worked really hard to get that result but what purpose does it serve if the child was slacking off. How does a child connect the dots. Praise for the sake of it detaches the child from the truth of things and loosens rather than strengthens the bond between both parent and child. Emotional connections aren’t built on falsities.
And why would we want them to doubt our common sense anyway LOL
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amd August 4, 2012
It’s one thing not to over praise a child. It’s another to say a piece of artwork isn’t good enough. No, that’s not an acceptable phrase to use to a child. “Her face fell”, I’ll bet it did. Saying it’s not good enough translates to you’re not good enough, in a child’s ears. Yes, society does heap too much praise for too little effort, but again there is a difference between refraining from that and saying this.
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Danny Dix August 4, 2012
My report cards were so bad throughout most of my school years….I used to make heaps of money from them though.
My classmates would rent them overnight just to scare their parents with.
