Mrs Woog would rather give up coffee, air and chocolate than give up her cleaner. But Wendy Harmer? She couldn’t ask anyone to clean her loo.


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Years and years ago, before we procreated, Mr Woog and I were working our butts off growing our careers. We would toil away all week before punishing ourselves all weekend out on the razz and start the cycle again. We were indeed partying like it was 1999, which in fact it was.

Every Saturday we would wake and spend some time cleaning our little 2 bedroom place.

It was one particularly nasty hangover Saturday when I stood in front of the toilet, bleach in one hand and brush in the other, when I spied a lonely public hair stuck to the rim in a drop of dried urine. After I recovered from my mega-chundering, I looked around at the filth that was our house, noted that my parents were due for lunch in less than an hour and decided then and there that I was not taking it anymore.

I did some sums and worked out what I was roughly earning an hour at my publishing job. And I did the same for Mr Woog. And then I gave him a short presentation, justifying that the money we spent on a cleaner was well worth it compared to us spending THE ENTIRE SATURDAY doing it ourselves. For some reason it did take us an extraordinary amount of time. We lacked enthusiasm for the task.

And also, the cleaning was becoming between us.

We threw some money at the problem. We got a cleaner.

A few years later we were fully-fledged breeders. When you add kids, and a bigger house and an extra bathroom the filth certainly multiplies as well. We have Super Lilly who comes every week. And as a bonus, Lilly gives me fashion and parenting advice and always tells me how nice my hair is looking. She is part of the family and we all LOVE Lilly.

I would rather give up coffee, air and chocolate for Lilly. There would only be the shadow of a whisker of a hair on a bee’s dick between Lilly and a cold bottle of wine. But to be honest, I think even Lilly might win that as well. Because when my kitchen floor is not crunchy and I have not attended to it, my happiness is guaranteed.


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