WHEN KIDS ARE YOUR GUILTY SECRET
Recently I made a difficult decision to knock back an amazing job in an amazing company.
While all the spoils of a corporate high-flying job tempted me, I just couldn’t reconcile in my mind how I would balance the pressures of the job against the pressures of being a mum to young children.
The company persisted, declaring itself family friendly.
“We can be flexible. We don’t mind how you work, as long as you get the job done,” they said. But I wasn’t convinced, because my own experience tells me that no matter how hard it tries, big business is incompatible with parenting. Like mercury and water, milk and orange juice, sandals and socks – they just don’t mix well together.
In fact, the gap between these two worlds is so wide, some professionals feel compelled to hide the fact they are parents in the workplace.
This lesson was first served up to me when I returned to work fulltime after having my first child. A few weeks back behind the desk, I received one of ‘those calls’ from the daycare centre to inform me my son had a temperature.
With my ‘nervous-new-mother’ heart in my mouth I quickly blurted to my colleagues that my baby was sick, grabbed my bag and hurried to collect him.
The next day a female colleague inquired after my son and then whispered her advice over the partition: “Next time, don’t say your son is sick. Trust me. Never tell anyone you have to leave because of your children. Make something up – you, your partner, your dog – but never say it’s your kids.”
I was stunned. I was even more stunned when I asked other female colleagues whether I should refrain from referring to my children at work, and the majority of them agreed with firm silent nods.
Think about it. If you work in a corporate environment how often do you hear people openly talk about leaving early because they have to take their child to the doctor? The dentist? The specialist?
These things, these guaranteed features of parenting happen all the time, but are often disguised as something else.
And admit it, the ones that do openly declare they have to leave early to listen to little Johnny sing his heart out in the school choir are sometimes branded as ‘switched off’ or ‘disengaged’.
I know, because I’ve dished out this attitude to other working mums when I was a ‘before-child’ ambitious corporate bitch. Because I just didn’t get it what it was like to be a parent trying to hold down a fulltime job, while being the best parent possible.
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18 Responses to this article
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MadamBipolar March 20, 2012
I worked in a PR agency that was almost totally female but still I felt the pressure. I was meant to work four days but got calls and emails on my day off. Then there was the weekend work as well. Don’t answer the phone was the response. Easier said than done.
But on the whole the organisation was supportive about us having children. They even had a thank you Christmas party for the kids. -
Monica March 20, 2012
I disagree. I hold down a full-time job as an academic and am open about my parenting responsibilities (eg leaving early two days a week to get them from school) – I see it as a badge of honour that I can do both things and in particular hope to inspire my students to think that they can have it all.
My partner works in an extremely busy job, often working 90 hours a week, but leaves at 3 every Friday, or 2 when the kids have school assemblies – and his bosses (senators in federal parliament) know not to interfere with this.
Just yesterday I had a real estate agent I have never met tell me he couldn’t do a house valuation on a Wednesday because that’s his daddy day – and rather than respecting him less, I have a newfound regard for him.
I think it is VITAL for workers to proclaim their dual status loudly, so it is no longer seen as some shameful secret.
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Kerri Sackville March 20, 2012
With the greatest respect, Monica, I was raised by an academic and now am married to an architect who runs his own business, and the academic world and the business world are two VERY different places. What is tolerated in academia is not tolerated in the business world, in which making money is the primary goal.
And if your partner is working 90 hour weeks, then he is working on average nearly 13 hour days, so that is hardly ‘family friendly’ work hours!!!!-
Monica March 20, 2012
Kerri, I absolutely agree – my point is not that his job is family friendly, which it absolutely IS NOT, but that when he does do stuff with/for the kids, he doesn’t make a secret of it.
I agree that academia is one of the most flexible jobs around (having been raised by academics) and that is part of what attracted me to it. I am not defending organisations that promote unfriendly working conditions, but merely taking issue with the original premise of the article that if one is to get ahead, one has to hide the parenting side of one’s persona.
As for where one is in one’s career and one’s relative power vis-a-vis one’s employer, this is a valid point, but, again, the original piece was presented in the context of a ‘corporate high-flying job’. Women and men who have less bargaining power, whether that be due to age or education or employment sector, do it much tougher – which is why those of us who can make a public demonstration of our parenting role should do so – to normalise it for all.
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Kseds March 20, 2012
I work for a large retail company that takes great pride in proclaiming itself as ‘family-friendly’ and ‘flexible’.
However, it seems that while the ‘family friendly flexibility’ is extended to all in theory, in reality it is really only ‘tolerated’ when Senior Management take advantage of it, and downright frowned upon should the rest of us try to do the same.
We are made to feel that we are really only half-heartedly approaching our responsibilities (to the point where my boss – female – even said that “if I was “only” working 9-5, 5 days a week, I would struggle to manage thiis job”). Furthermore the unspoken reproach is that we working mothers must be only capable of producing a mediocre result in both our work and parenting.
I can see both sides of it, as Monica points out. However Monica fails to take into account the majority of people that have not risen far enough on the ‘corporate ladder’ to be in a position where they can be demanding about their needs.
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Mrs Woog March 20, 2012
My last boss had a baby around the same time as me. WHAT A FREAKING NIGHTMARE! She expected me to be as much as a hard-ass as her, get back into the job super quick and would always roll her eyes when she heard fellow working mums discuss their kids.
And no, I did not let the door hit me in the ass on the way out. Great post Lisa xx
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Jacqui H March 20, 2012
Funny this post should be the first thing i read after a conversation about basically the same thing with some work colleagues. i’m in the public service which on the whole can very family-friendly. the dept i’m in at the moment however is not. they like to talk about work-life balance and being family friendly but don’t follow through. trying to get the younger, more corporate focussed managers to appreciate the need for work-life balance when you have kids is very difficult.
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Jules March 20, 2012
The insecurities are ours. I have fought the mental battle long and hard of being a working mum, but I came to realise 2 years after having my second child that I needed to let those insecurities go. I don’t overshare at work regarding my kids, anymore than I would overshare about the rest of my life, but I certainly do not hide the fact that I have chidlren and I value time with them. If I need to go, I need to go. I am paid to do a job which I do well, and if the firm thinks I am not living up to expectations they can let me go….interestingly since I have taken this approach, my performance reviews have never been better. We need confidence in ourselves to state our position and stand firm. Once colleagues get over their initial issue with it, then they often quickly move on. Plus the childless colleague may also at some point face their own demands – an ageing parent, needy elative, health issues of their own, so let them scowl and pass comments, as it is more reflective of their own insecurities and ignorance. Don’t get distracted by the naysayers, just get on with the job and get out of the office early!
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Lisa Lintern March 20, 2012
Jules. I applaud your wonderful attitude. More of us should be like you. However, I’m not sure the insecurities are always ours. A close friend of mine in a very senior corporate position once admitted they’d avoid recruiting ‘someone like me’ because of the time restrictions that come with being a mum. I still believe there is a mindset that needs to be challenged and changed.
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Jules March 20, 2012
Thanks Lisa, perhaps I am in a relatively unusual position. Don’t get me wrong, I have had challenges and at times a whole lot of sleep deprivation. My point really is that the angst only seemed to leave me when I stopped making it an issue for myself. Who cares what others in the firm say, the law of averages means colleagues talk about each other anyway, and it is usually those most threatened who do most of the talking! Australia has such a low level of gender diversity in it’s companies, and we can’t entirely blame the organisations…we need to first of all want it, and secondly be prepared to put ourselves forward. Us women are so hard on ourselves, and as a result we are grossly un-represented in senior positions in Australia. Women in senior posiitons bring balance and a different perspective to an organisation, and the health of any decent company desperately needs this representation.
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Sarah wayland March 20, 2012
I love this because Im (secretly) in the process of moving from one workplace to the world of academia because I cant handle the constant texts I have to send to say ‘Im sorry but child A or B or C or D’ has just vomitted on me and I wont be in’…my need to please everyone mentality just cant manage it. I want to pick the easiest option which might not be the fanciest. Love this x
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Kirsty Rice March 20, 2012
Brilliant piece Lisa. I wrote about this in November and then felt a little bit of shame about putting it out there. So glad it’s not just me.
http://shamozal.blogspot.com/2011/11/i-kept-my-children-secret.html
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Carli (@tinysavages) March 20, 2012
Loved this Lisa. My husband’s corporate workplace recently made it known they expected their employees to be working from 7:30am until 7:30pm. I can’t tell you how wonderful this is to hear when you’re dealing with a toddler and a baby. I had to give up my own career because illnesses meant I was having so much time off work and I didn’t want to sour the relationship. I will never forget having to disclose my pregnancy either, I felt like I had said a dirty word. Not many sincere congratulations in that room I can tell you!
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Mrs B March 20, 2012
I find it sad that you didn’t even give the amazing job in the amazing company a try before dismissing them so completely…you never know it could have been great. Sorry to hear your experience has been so awful but don’t let your past put you off potential opportunities! You could be missing out!
I work for a big business and have in a few other places before this…I’ve found my workplaces generally to be very supportive and it’s actually pretty common for people to have flexible hours because of school pick up, sick kids, working from home etc…
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Georgie March 20, 2012
Wouldn’t it be great if money was not the driving force behind all business, but the success of society. I’m sure many of the problems of our society stems from both parents having to work to make ends meet, leaving kids, the future of our nation, to fend for themselves in one way or another. If only companies were not consumed by reaching ever more unrealistic targets, but instead were happy with a job well done and allowed parents to take reasonable time off to allow for proper nurturing, then perhaps many of the bored & angry youngsters who cause grief to so man in so many ways, often ending up in the judicial system. I’m sure it could be done, but it would take a massive mindset shift.
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Mel March 21, 2012
At the risk of getting shouted at loudly, I think the lack of women in senior positions in business isn’t always the fault of the company, but it’s because women are not choosingto pursue senior jobs. I feel like it’s unrealistic to expect the beast of business to be something it’s not. We live in a capitalist soicety and are generally quite pleased with all the trimmings of such. Well the flipside is that its all about the cash, and the cash is all about the selling and the selling is all about availability and taking advantage of opportunities which often happen after 3pm. I thought I was a career hard arse, but after twelve months of full time work post two years of mat leave, I am miserable and desperate to stop. But my financial circumstances precludestopping in the immediate future (Iam the breadwinner) so onwards I push. I have a relatively senior role in a big firm and my decision to refocus my angst (agree with Jules) and ‘just say no’ will probably affect my speedy ascent. I may get there, but it will probably take longer. Whether or not I want to, is on me, not them.
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Mel March 21, 2012
I’m so proud to say that my partner who works for one of the major banks is completely supported in his role as a father. For the birth of both of our children he took 4 weeks leave which had a flexible start date and 2 weeks of this was paid parental leave. 3 days a week he was able to work his day(in most cases) around picking up our children from daycare and bringing them down to the car for me and then returning to work( we both worked in the Sydney CBD and parking is a nightmare). He has never felt the need to and would not disguise it as as anything other than what it was – looking after his children. He has on many occasions been completely honest with bosses ( male and female) and told them that family comes first. He also models this with his own staff. He has gained huge amounts of respect from the people that matter and continues to show care and compassion towards new mothers returning to work. I wish that all employers, bosses and co-workers could be supportive of parents and their ability to job as well as try to be best the best parent that they can.
