A TRIO OF TALES…
GROWING UP AND AWAY, Lisa Schofield
I have a son. He’s 11 years old and is growing up. I know this because there are cracks appearing in our relationship.
They were tiny to start with. I’d get an occasional “don’t, mum,” but the cracks got bigger to “Mum, don’t say that kind of stuff” to, finally, a fault line “Mum, I HATE it when you say that” (spoken in an annoyed voice in front of his friends).
I just make lame jokes that I think are very funny. And I’m sure he’ll think they’re funny too – 10 years from now.
I say things in front of his friends, I try and talk with his friends – only to be met with a “Mum, why did you say hi to them, they don’t know you at all”. I try and include myself in his conversations, I will never do this again, as last time I tried, I was met with a stony silence, and a quick change of topic.
He recently left on a three-day school trip.
I managed to give him a quick arm rub, in lieu of a hug, while desperate to ask him if he needed to go to the loo before he got on the bus. I didn’t ask.
Recently, I think, we inadvertently crossed a line.
And it wasn’t even my fault. I was embarrassing, even to myself, and certainly to an 11-year-old boy.
I’d had a long hot run that ended at a beach. My husband and the kids met me there but they’d forgotten to bring my swimmers. Still I was hot and needed a swim. “I’ll just go in my running gear”, I said as my husband was apologising. “All good, no problems, they kind of look like swimmers anyway.”
My son was horrified, “No Mum, you can’t do that, that will just look weird. Don’t, Mum!”
Admittedly I wasn’t looking my finest, but I was hot, godammit, so in I went in my shorts and sports top. Then as you do at the beach, you sit around a while, throw the ball, dig holes, and all of this I did in my wet running gear. Surrounded by gorgeous beach bodies in bikinis and other beach attire that wasn’t running gear.
I was a little mortified and a whole lot of embarrassed. Not sure why. I think I was channeling my son’s vision of me.
I think, as a mother, I am experiencing a transition from participant to non-participant.
I am the driver of the car, the pizza maker, the movie orderer, the clean uniform provider, the note signer, the sleepover arranger, the homework nagger, the PS3 turn-offer.
I have a cool factor of zero. I’m often a non-entity in his eyes, especially in front of others.
But that’s OK, I knew this was coming.
Many parenting experts have talked about this, I’ve read the books. I’ve heard the talk of others. And even though it’s a little sad as I think back on our days of snuggling, and cuddles and stories in bed, I am steadfastedly determined, I will handle this perfectly, I will respect him, and he will know that I will always, always love him, no matter where our journey takes us over the next couple of years.
Because I know he still adores me. And that I’m his ‘go to’ person. And that I’m the person who he wants to turn off his light and kiss him good night.
And I know that he’ll come back to me.
*Lisa Schofield is a freelance writer, a mad keen blogger and a mum of three boys. Lisa has written for publications such as Prevention Australia, Run4YL and Women’s Running, as well as contributing to many websites. Success for Lisa is continuing writing, being fit and fabulous, and having her boys in bed early each night (so she can watch reality TV). You can follow Lisa’s blog here.
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39 Responses to this article
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Carolyn June 11, 2012
On behalf of your son, I have to say, “Mum, I can’t believe you wrote and published that story – HOW EMBARRASSING!”
My daughter is 8 so I have a few years left on my clock yet but I am dreading it. Pretty much every day she tells me I’m the best mum in the world, which I have grown shamefully reliant on. But I still remember being mortified by my own mum, and now I’m back to telling her she’s the best mum in the world, so I have hope.
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Lisa Schofield June 13, 2012
Oh Carolyn, my son will be thanking you because *whispers* I haven’t shown him this yet. And normally I parade my writing in front of him as proof I don’t just sit at home all day on Twitter and Facebook. Which is a small lie. You’re little girl sounds divine.
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Maggie June 11, 2012
Re: Crappy Girlfriend
Sounds like you’re better off out of that one
Keep being a terrific mother that your son is lucky to have!
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Paula June 11, 2012
thanks, Maggie!
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royce June 11, 2012
Time for you to have a very firm talk with your son. He has no right to embrass you like that. At his age he is easily able to understand that no matter how ‘embarassed’ he feels, or how much he ‘disapproves’ of your behaviour he has absolutely now call to treat you as he has.
Sure… at that age he has swinging emotions and peer acceptance is important, but being caring about his mum is also very important. NIP IT IN THE BUD!
I remember hating my Mum because she wet herself in a supermarket… she had MS… I also hated myself for hating her…. I needed her or someone to talk to me about my feelings. In NEVER… Never had a go at my Mum in public or said nasty things to her.
My son is and has always been embarassed by my wife’s comments and actions in front of his friends. When he was 14 years old he put her down in front of his friends as your son has…. I took him aside a little later and explained that the most important, more important than his friends is his mum… He never did that again. He is now 30.
He is close to his Mum and became closer on the day that I put him ‘right’.
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VRog June 12, 2012
@Royce: My Dad was very similar in his attitude about my brother and I being respectful to our mother. There was hell to pay if we ever hurt her feelings in any way! It taught us respect for not only our mother, but other people. This lesson seems to rarely be taught these days. Good on you!
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Lisa Schofield June 13, 2012
Thanks for this interesting perspective Royce, I hadn’t seen it that way, but absolutely can see how damaging that could be. Like all parents I just want to help grow my gorgeous boy into a gorgeous young man. There are many boxes that need to be ticked to get there, and respect for women is one of the biggest.
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Judith Rubbish June 11, 2012
Re:Growing up and away, my boy just turned 12. Sometimes I just look at him and am mesmerised by the fact that he really isn’t my “little boy” anymore. Photos of him as a baby, at 2,3 or 7 can make me teary. As a mum I always held the view that essentially, I was bringing up an adult, a man in the long run. I see now an independent, intelligent and caring, soon to be man, and I am so proud, but it still hurts somewhere deep, I think it is my heart.
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Lisa Schofield June 13, 2012
Thanks Judith, I love this perspective of growing adults, don’t you feel there are some critical moments that are obvious and sometimes not so obvious as your children grow up, I think of them as little tests of parenting – if I make a mistake here, this could set us off on the wrong path moving forward.
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Robyn Oyeniyi June 11, 2012
With a nearly 10 year-old, a just 12 year-old and a 14 year-old I understand the being an embarrassing Mum! Although as I am also a new Mum, they aren’t yet quite to ready to criticise!
The “Why are you throwing that out” is a common theme around this house – I used to think it was due to his asylum seeker days – now I see it is just a male thing!
To Paula Roe – I think your man belonged to the belief set I recently took to task and which I started World War III for writing about. You can find me and Independent Women Syndrome via Google if you are interested in the war.
You are SO MUCH better off without that one, as Maggie says.
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Paula June 11, 2012
Robyn – thanks for that – will be Googling
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Kelly Exeter June 11, 2012
Royce – what an interesting take! I too have resigned myself to the fact that my beautiful little 3yo boy is at some stage going to reach a point where mummy is not #1 any more and probably just grunt at me through his teenage years! I love that you think this isn’t something we should just accept and that we can nip it in the bud!
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Jenny June 11, 2012
It’s amazing what our menfolk can do to our vision of ourselves, isn’t it? Any way that we differ from them in our behavior, opinions or goals is evidence of our crappiness. And it works – for as long as we are “in love” with them! It’s not until the scales fall from our eyes when love has died that we are able to see the real person we have allied ourselves with. We sacrifice our own lives to try and live up to their self-centered “standards”, and just end up miserable and stressed. Thankfully, not all men are like that, and I’ve no doubt many women are just as unrealistically demanding of their partners. Paula, I salute you for reclaiming your own life!
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Paula June 11, 2012
Jenny, thanks
I always think it’s tougher to get out of a relationship than into one – especially where there are so many good things about it. I had a lot of girlfriends who were of the “when will I get a man??” mindset and it drove me nuts. Any guy isn’t better than no guy at all, I always say!
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Ingrid Seaburn June 11, 2012
I loved this article as I can totally relate to the growing apart pains with my ten ( nearly eleven ) year old son. He is slowly becoming much more aware of the potential for me to blurt out something “embarrassing” in front of friends or ask him about girls in his class I think are pretty . Conversations for some reason which even last year were met with cheeky answers and a laugh are now being shut down immediately as he loses the need to share information with is “old” ( Im 44) and not very cool mum. I actually think Im pretty cool and why he does not see that anymore is hard to accept especially as a single mum with not much luck in the dating world who holds onto the notion that her son loves her much more than any other man ever will! Well of course its not a notion but a fact he does love me, but if I can keep my distance when around friends and school functions and save the hugs and kisses till we get home, I’ll still get them at bedtime when he wants me to snuggle with him just another five minutes when its lights out time!!!
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Lisa Schofield June 13, 2012
Buckle up for the ride with me Ingrid, we just have to hold our line, and keep being “there” for our kids whatever that might be, and we’ll grow and nurture these relationships into something special and reciprocal..
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Lab Elf June 11, 2012
Make sure to spend some time alone with your 11 year old and you will probably find he will open up to you of his own accord and you can share some of the closeness that was naturally there when he was younger. Most teenage boys still like to be touched as long as it’s not when there friends are around. My strapping 19 year old still comes for a back scratch!
Royce makes a very good point – if the father is around it is his job to pull boys into line when they overstep the mark. Teaching them that their mother is to be respected is an important step on the road to respect of other women. -
Lisa Lee June 11, 2012
My daughter is 9, and we are great buddies…..for now. I know that soon she’ll pull away from me, and I do so dread that day. We often go to coffee shops together, our favourite one on the beach where she gets to go down on the sand and play with the shops’ 2 dogs.
These are beautiful times, and I’ve made her promise that we’ll always hang out together, in her childish innocence she always says “of course mum, don’t be silly!”
I know we’ll go through the love/hate thing that mothers and daughters do, but hope with all my heart that at the other end of those years, we’ll again be best buddies. -
The Huntress June 11, 2012
Ah, how I enjoyed all three stories:
I too, am dreading the day my 7 year old boy starts to pull away from me. He still tells me I’m the best mum in the world (and in truth I really do not deserve that title), he tells me he loves me and comes to me for kisses and cuddles. But after reading Wendy’s response above I have a little hope – we’re a family of gamers (yes, myself included) and often sit and play together or watch each other play. Maybe when he’s older I can sneak cuddles on the couch whilst sharing a game…
What IS IT with men and their inability to throw things away? The wonderful Mr. Huntress has a “man cave” in which he stores a lot of useless s***. My father has entire shed bigger than his house on 5 acres – actually make that 2 sheds and a second double garage. It ain’t pretty. My poor mother.
And why, why, why are we always the crappy girlfriend? Why can they never admit that maybe, just maybe, for once they were wrong? Or that our feelings were hurt? Or that sometimes we really are trying our best? There are times it’s best not to have that presence in your life – then you realise that maybe you weren’t so crappy.
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Paula June 11, 2012
Ahh, Huntress, I can still see his indignation when I told him I’d read those love letters. I was the one in the wrong and he was outraged. OUTRAGED!! Looking back now, I can see I was trying to be the person he wanted me to be, not what I felt inside. Not so crappy now, lemme tell ya!
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Shannon June 12, 2012
I think there are a lot of women out there (me included!) that can relate to all of these wonderful posts – congratulations on some interesting reads!
Paula – you are sooooo better off, sounds like it definitely wasn’t meant to be, and that you were meant for better things – and now you get to show it! -
lisa Heidke June 12, 2012
Paula, you are a gorgeous person, inside and out…and so better off without your crappy boyfriend who became an even crappier husband! More strength to you. xx
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Paula June 17, 2012
tnx sweetie! xx
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Maria Tedeschi June 12, 2012
I was just in Vinnies on the weekend looking a book there about the relationship between mothers and sons. How distance comes between them because sons do that whole ‘too cool for school’ routine and mums think their sons are tougher than they actually are. Cannot for the life of me remember what it was called. I feel like I should go back and get it, especially after reading this post.
Love & stuff
Mrs M -
Kaz Delaney June 13, 2012
Paula – you were obviously living with a crappy man, whose crappy moods, self indulgence, ego and plain stupidity made everything you touched crappy. So who knows? Maybe by the time he’d beaten you down – he was right, and you were a crappy girlfriend. God I hope you were – even just a little bit – because if ever a guy deserved ‘crappy’ it was that one.
But baby look at you now! Strong, successful, powerful… Nothing and no one can ever take that from you. Keep being that strong mum to your gorgeous boy – you are an awesome role model. Imagine the life he would have had if you hadn’t been so strong? No one deserves to live with that kind of constant criticism. You not only saved you own sanity and self esteem – you saved him. Go you!
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Paula June 17, 2012
I can always count on you as my personal cheerleader, Kaz
xxxxx
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Seana Smith June 13, 2012
He will come back… my 12 year old shows me wee glimpses of his younger, sweeter self… but only in private. My 15 year old too. We recently bonded by watching ‘Game of Thrones,’ with much fast forwarding through the sex scenes! It was so unusual and pleasant to all really enjoy a TV program together.
Luckily I have a random 6 year old who still thinks I am a marvel. And he’ll never grow up, will he?
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Lisa Schofield June 13, 2012
Thanks Seana, I have a 6 year old as well, if I’m not careful he’ll grow up to be the biggest man baby ever, I’m forever trying to stop him growing up, he fell over on the way to school this morning, and as I started to run over to him, my 11 year old son held me back and said “he’s fine mum, just leave him”. Wise wise words.
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Seana Smith June 13, 2012
Hooray Paula for the crappy girlfriends of the world. Long may they live cheerfully apart from their crappier ex-boyfriends. Wear that badge with pride.
And a bigger hooray too for the mum you turned out to be and are.
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Paula June 17, 2012
Seana, <3 !
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Zohra June 13, 2012
Lisa, i love the way you have written about the change in the relationship between you and your son.
I have two boys, 17, and 14. The older one is definitely pulling away, the only time we have one-on-one chats is iwhen we are alone in the car.
The second boy still wants his hugs and time alone with mum, though only in the -privacy of home.
Goes to show they’re all different, and lovable in their own ways,thank goodness.
Wendy, I did try playing the video games..when they were younger, except i was very bad at them and kept losing, so gave up!-
Lisa Schofield June 13, 2012
Thanks Zohra, I guess it’s up to us to work out what each individual needs most from us as they’re growing up, and then tweak our parenting approach to make sure all our young individuals individual needs are met!
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