• Well put, and I hope to see your documentary. I hate the idea of vaccinations and believe they can be harmful individually but we are part of a community and as such, we have responsibilities to each other, so my son'a vaccinations are up to date. The reality is that no one knows what will happen to us or our children, whether we are talking about injury by vaccine, or injury by preventable disease, or running in a marathon where a terrorist is in wait, or getting in a car and being wiped out by a drunk driver. We all do what we can for our kids and we can try and protect them as much as we can - but none of us escape misfortune. I have a friend whose son has shocking tumours and a limited life span. My own son has a platelet disorder which means we have to be constantly vigilant that he doesn't injure himself lest he bleed internally. Let's do what we can for our own - but let's not harm others in the process. - Alice Smith
  • What a fabulously challenging topic. Jackdan, very well delivered argument. I'd love to see your research. Publish it! Sonya, I look forward to tomorrow night's documentary. Thanks for taking (what sounds like) a rational approach. - Misty
  • Thanks jack... a very interesting response and, from my communications with Sonya I think this is exactly the conversation she's hoping for. Be very interested to hear your response after viewing the doco. - Wendy Harmer
  • As someone who doesn't follow the Australian Vaccination schedule, I already feel like I am risking ridicule and worse posting here. We have been hassled and hounded by doctors, nurses (one of us is a nurse) and other parents. Blamed for the resurgence Whooping cough and related deaths, etc. Our stance is that we immunise based on our own needs and intelligence. As a for instance, we are not convinced that our children needed to be vaccinated against Hepatitis B at birth, especially given that the vaccine contained Thiomersal when it was recommended to us. I'm not sure how aware you are of the Japanese experience with the DTP vaccinations in the mid 1970's, but as a result of many adverse reactions and over 30 deaths as a direct result of the vaccine, the schedule was altered and children were vaccinated later. I am aware that the vaccine is no longer a whole cell vaccine, however it is worth considering the delicate balance of the immune system in infants below 6 months of age. So we immunise roughly to the Japanese schedule. There is no Hep B or vericella. And MMR is given as MR and Mumps separately. We will make the call on Japanese when we visit next month. I note that the tone in the promotion of the doco appears to depict the non vaccination school as driven by emotion with the pro vaccination argument being driven by Science (which is a pretty broad concept). Our decision to vaccinate alternatively has been based on a lot of careful research and is based on risk mitigation considering that vaccinations do carry a percentage of risk, however small. We have the advantage of also being Japanese citizens, (myself a spouse resident) and can access the differently combined vaccines and scheduling. When recently discussing this on a facebook post I was branded an anti Vaccinator. Abused and blamed. My response is that I think there is a better way. A much better way. And the heavy handed pressure to Immunise to schedule, which then elicits a strong anti response from those who question, but are discouraged strongly and frowned upon for questioning, has created a climate of 'for or against', emotion or science, us against them. All pretty narrow reductive way to explore a whole collection of different diseases, risks, and vaccines (including their varieties of compositions, combinations and timing). So we have attempted to immunise the best way that we can ascertain. It's a tricky time consuming task to get all the info on each different vaccine from the manufacturers, to research each and every disease to ascertain the risks of actually contracting it and then what the risks associated with the disease are, but it has been worthwhile. I think that the community could benefit from a less doctrinal approach to the current immunisation schedule and regular review of disease risks and the vaccination schedule response. - Jackdan
  • I'm an E cup. When I was younger and skinnier I was only a C cup and could handle underwires. Then I got pregnant and discovered the bliss of maternity bras. Post babies and breastfeeding I went back to the wires only to find they poked me and now I've got 'birdseyes' in my cleavage. I cannot fathom the underwire. Obviously the person who designed it has never had to wear one. Having big boobs we're all encouraged to wear them, but now I'm old and fat they're far too uncomfortable to contemplate. I'm happy with my 'wirefree' bras. I figured that if manufacturers could make a maternity bra without wires that fitted perfectly and provided excellent support to lactating breasts, they could do the same for large, non-lactating breasts too. I found the perfect fit for me at a large chain store and bought the same type for years. Not terribly sexy, but comfortable and serviceable. Now I've discovered same large chain has a moulded cotton bra in large sizes. Better still, you can order them online when the sales are on and collect them from the store. Bliss! - BeansGran
  • Well put Sonya. I am so glad that you have created this documentary. Also, you have put forward a voice of reason backed up by compelling evidence & your own credibility. I am pro-vaccination, but I understand why it is an delicate decision for many parents. I haven't come across the anti-vax theories (I'd never even heard of the AVN until Mamamia kept writing & tweeting about them). I'd always just followed the immunisation schedule. But I have come across a lot of pushy pro-vaxxers and I have to say, it is a turn off. I understand that it's a passionate issue. But is it an effective way of increasing immunisation rates? Of course not. Some pro-vaxxers make it their full time job to name, shame & harass people opposed to vaccination. Is harassment going to change their position, heck no! Is it going to galvanise their anti-vac position, quite probably! I just think we need to be smarter about this. I know it is not a "debate" in the sense that the science is in on the benefits & general safety of vaccines. But it completely normal to feel uneasy about purposely injecting your child with something most of us know very little about. And then watching their every breath that evening as they process that vaccine. Sonya, I hope that your documentary is the beginning of the change in the way we talk about immunisation. Well done. - Kasey
  • I am very impressed by what you've set out to achieve and how you've come about it. Much of my work these days is in vaccination and I work hard to break down the myths and false beliefs people have about vaccines. I find listening to concerns, empathy and responding with good evidence based information has been the most successful manner I've had so far. I also reassure parents that it is always their choice, but I also share that I am a mum too and that I choose to vaccinate my child fully. And funnily enough that's usually the clincher. Respect, good information and empathy can go a long way. I really hope that many people watch your documentary and help absolve the many concerns and myths surrounding vaccination that are out there. You must be proud of your work :) - The Huntress
  • Not everyone has access too or any interest in the internet, you cannot drive a tractor and watch the internet but you can listen to radio, you cannot drive a car and watch the internet but you can listen to radio, you cannot wash the dishes, the clothes, yourself and watch the internet but you can listen to the radio, you can also lie in bed with Phillip Adams, half my University of the Third Age students go to bed with Phillip. Australia's best journalists were trained by the ABC. What I don't understand Gee is your palpable hatred, how can you be so angry all the time, just relax and learn that we are all different and some of us prefer the quiet nature of the ABC compared with the ranting and rage of radio shock jocks and commercial TV. Your phrase 'slash and burn' is shocking to me, no one I know hates anything, no one I know wants to destroy things or institutions, not even the IPA, why such violence of language? - sue Bell
  • [...] Science says vaccinate! [...] - LET'S TALK (NOT SHOUT) VACCINATION
  • Thankyou Emma for your good work and humanistic attitude towards others. I could not do your job and be nice to others at the same time, i'v e realized. The other ABC journo's et al should be taking notes.......all the best in your career! - louise
 
39
Categories:  Your Stories

A TRIO OF TALES…

By Hoopla Readers
June 11, 2012

GROWING UP AND AWAY, Lisa Schofield

I have a son. He’s 11 years old and is growing up. I know this because there are cracks appearing in our relationship.  

They were tiny to start with. I’d get an occasional “don’t, mum,” but the cracks got bigger to “Mum, don’t say that kind of stuff” to, finally, a fault line “Mum, I HATE it when you say that” (spoken in an annoyed voice in front of his friends).

I just make lame jokes that I think are very funny. And I’m sure he’ll think they’re funny too – 10 years from now.

I say things in front of his friends, I try and talk with his friends – only to be met with a “Mum, why did you say hi to them, they don’t know you at all”.  I try and include myself in his conversations, I will never do this again, as last time I tried, I was met with a stony silence, and a quick change of topic.

He recently left on a three-day school trip.

I managed to give him a quick arm rub, in lieu of a hug, while desperate to ask him if he needed to go to the loo before he got on the bus. I didn’t ask.

Recently, I think, we inadvertently crossed a line.

And it wasn’t even my fault. I was embarrassing, even to myself, and certainly to an 11-year-old boy.

I’d had a long hot run that ended at a beach. My husband and the kids met me there but they’d forgotten to bring my swimmers. Still I was hot and needed a swim. “I’ll just go in my running gear”, I said as my husband was apologising.  “All good, no problems, they kind of look like swimmers anyway.”

My son was horrified, “No Mum, you can’t do that, that will just look weird. Don’t, Mum!”

Admittedly I wasn’t looking my finest, but I was hot, godammit, so in I went in my shorts and sports top. Then as you do at the beach, you sit around a while, throw the ball, dig holes, and all of this I did in my wet running gear.  Surrounded by gorgeous beach bodies in bikinis and other beach attire that wasn’t running gear.

I was a little mortified and a whole lot of embarrassed. Not sure why. I think I was channeling my son’s vision of me.

I think, as a mother, I am experiencing a transition from participant to non-participant.  

I am the driver of the car, the pizza maker, the movie orderer, the clean uniform provider, the note signer, the sleepover arranger, the homework nagger, the PS3 turn-offer.

I have a cool factor of zero. I’m often a non-entity in his eyes, especially in front of others.

But that’s OK, I knew this was coming.

Many parenting experts have talked about this, I’ve read the books. I’ve heard the talk of others. And even though it’s a little sad as I think back on our days of snuggling, and cuddles and stories in bed, I am steadfastedly determined, I will handle this perfectly, I will respect him, and he will know that I will always, always love him, no matter where our journey takes us over the next couple of years.

Because I know he still adores me. And that I’m his ‘go to’ person. And that I’m the person who he wants to turn off his light and kiss him good night.

And I know that he’ll come back to me.

*Lisa Schofield is a freelance writer, a mad keen blogger and a mum of  three boys.  Lisa has written for publications such as Prevention Australia, Run4YL and Women’s Running, as well as contributing to many websites.  Success for Lisa is continuing writing, being fit and fabulous, and having her boys in bed early each night (so she can watch reality TV).  You can follow Lisa’s blog here.

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39 Responses to this article

  1. Kirsty June 11, 2012 Reply
     
     

    I hear you! My son is 13 and I’ve been feeling the ‘growing apart’ pains for awhile now. It is very hard and I have to keep telling myself I need to ‘let go’ and stop smothering the little boy so I can embrace the young man he’s becoming. It hurts at times. Even though I know he still loves me.

     
  2. Kirsty June 11, 2012 Reply
     
     

    RE: ‘War of the rubbish bins” – I laughed when you asked who uses a blender with a hole in the lid? Guilty! I guess this is a good reminder for ‘out with the old and go buy a new one’!

     
  3. Carolyn June 11, 2012 Reply
     
     

    On behalf of your son, I have to say, “Mum, I can’t believe you wrote and published that story – HOW EMBARRASSING!”

    My daughter is 8 so I have a few years left on my clock yet but I am dreading it. Pretty much every day she tells me I’m the best mum in the world, which I have grown shamefully reliant on. But I still remember being mortified by my own mum, and now I’m back to telling her she’s the best mum in the world, so I have hope. :)

     
    • Lisa Schofield June 13, 2012 Reply
       
       

      Oh Carolyn, my son will be thanking you because *whispers* I haven’t shown him this yet. And normally I parade my writing in front of him as proof I don’t just sit at home all day on Twitter and Facebook. Which is a small lie. You’re little girl sounds divine.

       
  4. Maggie June 11, 2012 Reply
     
     

    Re: Crappy Girlfriend

    Sounds like you’re better off out of that one :-)

    Keep being a terrific mother that your son is lucky to have!

     
    • Paula June 11, 2012 Reply
       
       

      thanks, Maggie!

       
  5. royce June 11, 2012 Reply
     
     

    Time for you to have a very firm talk with your son. He has no right to embrass you like that. At his age he is easily able to understand that no matter how ‘embarassed’ he feels, or how much he ‘disapproves’ of your behaviour he has absolutely now call to treat you as he has.

    Sure… at that age he has swinging emotions and peer acceptance is important, but being caring about his mum is also very important. NIP IT IN THE BUD!

    I remember hating my Mum because she wet herself in a supermarket… she had MS… I also hated myself for hating her…. I needed her or someone to talk to me about my feelings. In NEVER… Never had a go at my Mum in public or said nasty things to her.

    My son is and has always been embarassed by my wife’s comments and actions in front of his friends. When he was 14 years old he put her down in front of his friends as your son has…. I took him aside a little later and explained that the most important, more important than his friends is his mum… He never did that again. He is now 30.

    He is close to his Mum and became closer on the day that I put him ‘right’.

     
    • Wendy Harmer June 11, 2012 Reply
       
       

      Thanks for this Royce, well said.
      Fathers have a great role to play here in making it very clear that mums are to be respected and cherished. I love your comments here at The Hoopla. Keep them coming!

       
    • VRog June 12, 2012 Reply
       
       

      @Royce: My Dad was very similar in his attitude about my brother and I being respectful to our mother. There was hell to pay if we ever hurt her feelings in any way! It taught us respect for not only our mother, but other people. This lesson seems to rarely be taught these days. Good on you!

       
    • Lisa Schofield June 13, 2012 Reply
       
       

      Thanks for this interesting perspective Royce, I hadn’t seen it that way, but absolutely can see how damaging that could be. Like all parents I just want to help grow my gorgeous boy into a gorgeous young man. There are many boxes that need to be ticked to get there, and respect for women is one of the biggest.

       
  6. Judith Rubbish June 11, 2012 Reply
     
     

    Re:Growing up and away, my boy just turned 12. Sometimes I just look at him and am mesmerised by the fact that he really isn’t my “little boy” anymore. Photos of him as a baby, at 2,3 or 7 can make me teary. As a mum I always held the view that essentially, I was bringing up an adult, a man in the long run. I see now an independent, intelligent and caring, soon to be man, and I am so proud, but it still hurts somewhere deep, I think it is my heart.

     
    • Lisa Schofield June 13, 2012 Reply
       
       

      Thanks Judith, I love this perspective of growing adults, don’t you feel there are some critical moments that are obvious and sometimes not so obvious as your children grow up, I think of them as little tests of parenting – if I make a mistake here, this could set us off on the wrong path moving forward.

       
  7. Robyn Oyeniyi June 11, 2012 Reply
     
     

    With a nearly 10 year-old, a just 12 year-old and a 14 year-old I understand the being an embarrassing Mum! Although as I am also a new Mum, they aren’t yet quite to ready to criticise!

    The “Why are you throwing that out” is a common theme around this house – I used to think it was due to his asylum seeker days – now I see it is just a male thing!

    To Paula Roe – I think your man belonged to the belief set I recently took to task and which I started World War III for writing about. You can find me and Independent Women Syndrome via Google if you are interested in the war.

    You are SO MUCH better off without that one, as Maggie says.

     
    • Paula June 11, 2012 Reply
       
       

      Robyn – thanks for that – will be Googling :-)

       
  8. Kelly Exeter June 11, 2012 Reply
     
     

    Royce – what an interesting take! I too have resigned myself to the fact that my beautiful little 3yo boy is at some stage going to reach a point where mummy is not #1 any more and probably just grunt at me through his teenage years! I love that you think this isn’t something we should just accept and that we can nip it in the bud!

     
  9. Jenny June 11, 2012 Reply
     
     

    It’s amazing what our menfolk can do to our vision of ourselves, isn’t it? Any way that we differ from them in our behavior, opinions or goals is evidence of our crappiness. And it works – for as long as we are “in love” with them! It’s not until the scales fall from our eyes when love has died that we are able to see the real person we have allied ourselves with. We sacrifice our own lives to try and live up to their self-centered “standards”, and just end up miserable and stressed. Thankfully, not all men are like that, and I’ve no doubt many women are just as unrealistically demanding of their partners. Paula, I salute you for reclaiming your own life!

     
    • Paula June 11, 2012 Reply
       
       

      Jenny, thanks :-) I always think it’s tougher to get out of a relationship than into one – especially where there are so many good things about it. I had a lot of girlfriends who were of the “when will I get a man??” mindset and it drove me nuts. Any guy isn’t better than no guy at all, I always say!

       
  10. Ingrid Seaburn June 11, 2012 Reply
     
     

    I loved this article as I can totally relate to the growing apart pains with my ten ( nearly eleven ) year old son. He is slowly becoming much more aware of the potential for me to blurt out something “embarrassing” in front of friends or ask him about girls in his class I think are pretty . Conversations for some reason which even last year were met with cheeky answers and a laugh are now being shut down immediately as he loses the need to share information with is “old” ( Im 44) and not very cool mum. I actually think Im pretty cool and why he does not see that anymore is hard to accept especially as a single mum with not much luck in the dating world who holds onto the notion that her son loves her much more than any other man ever will! Well of course its not a notion but a fact he does love me, but if I can keep my distance when around friends and school functions and save the hugs and kisses till we get home, I’ll still get them at bedtime when he wants me to snuggle with him just another five minutes when its lights out time!!!

     
    • Lisa Schofield June 13, 2012 Reply
       
       

      Buckle up for the ride with me Ingrid, we just have to hold our line, and keep being “there” for our kids whatever that might be, and we’ll grow and nurture these relationships into something special and reciprocal..

       
  11. Lab Elf June 11, 2012 Reply
     
     

    Make sure to spend some time alone with your 11 year old and you will probably find he will open up to you of his own accord and you can share some of the closeness that was naturally there when he was younger. Most teenage boys still like to be touched as long as it’s not when there friends are around. My strapping 19 year old still comes for a back scratch!
    Royce makes a very good point – if the father is around it is his job to pull boys into line when they overstep the mark. Teaching them that their mother is to be respected is an important step on the road to respect of other women.

     
  12. Lisa Lee June 11, 2012 Reply
     
     

    My daughter is 9, and we are great buddies…..for now. I know that soon she’ll pull away from me, and I do so dread that day. We often go to coffee shops together, our favourite one on the beach where she gets to go down on the sand and play with the shops’ 2 dogs.
    These are beautiful times, and I’ve made her promise that we’ll always hang out together, in her childish innocence she always says “of course mum, don’t be silly!”
    I know we’ll go through the love/hate thing that mothers and daughters do, but hope with all my heart that at the other end of those years, we’ll again be best buddies.

     
  13. Wendy Harmer June 11, 2012 Reply
     
     

    On boys growing up and away. Just recently my son (14) and I bought the online game Diablo 3 and spent a great day together slaying various critters, hunting for treasure -all that.
    We had to play as a team to achieve success and it was great to have him cheering me on …I , in turn, was in awe of his prowess.
    We have been gaming together for some years now ( since he was 9) and I can really recommend it as a great bonding experience.
    My son even said : “This is great isn’t it, you and me being together. You are the only mum I know who plays on line with her son.”
    Just a thought that you might like to give it a go. It is heaps of fun. ( Although in multi-player games when his mates are all playing, I definitely don’t tag along)
    He’s also able to tell me all about his gaming achievements and I get it. It’s a very special part of our relationship.

     
    • Leesa June 11, 2012 Reply
       
       

      I agree with you Wendy. My son is now sixteen and I’ve been gaming with him since he was little. Even though from around thirteen he made it very clear he wanted a life separate from me with his friends; something I intellectually supported but emotionally grieved over (my issue not his) we still kept playing video games together which has allowed for many laughs as well as creating space for him to discuss issues that are bugging him.

       
    • Lisa Schofield June 13, 2012 Reply
       
       

      Oh Wendy, I am positive my son would be speechless, there’s recently been 3 of us in our relationship, him, me and the PS3, I’m forever saying “get off that thing” or “5 more minutes”, maybe I should try it! I agree though that finding a common activity is so beneficial. I’ve encouraged my son into a couple of fun runs with me, and the adrenalin buzz and feeling of achievement together is priceless.

       
  14. The Huntress June 11, 2012 Reply
     
     

    Ah, how I enjoyed all three stories:

    I too, am dreading the day my 7 year old boy starts to pull away from me. He still tells me I’m the best mum in the world (and in truth I really do not deserve that title), he tells me he loves me and comes to me for kisses and cuddles. But after reading Wendy’s response above I have a little hope – we’re a family of gamers (yes, myself included) and often sit and play together or watch each other play. Maybe when he’s older I can sneak cuddles on the couch whilst sharing a game…

    What IS IT with men and their inability to throw things away? The wonderful Mr. Huntress has a “man cave” in which he stores a lot of useless s***. My father has entire shed bigger than his house on 5 acres – actually make that 2 sheds and a second double garage. It ain’t pretty. My poor mother.

    And why, why, why are we always the crappy girlfriend? Why can they never admit that maybe, just maybe, for once they were wrong? Or that our feelings were hurt? Or that sometimes we really are trying our best? There are times it’s best not to have that presence in your life – then you realise that maybe you weren’t so crappy.

     
    • Paula June 11, 2012 Reply
       
       

      Ahh, Huntress, I can still see his indignation when I told him I’d read those love letters. I was the one in the wrong and he was outraged. OUTRAGED!! Looking back now, I can see I was trying to be the person he wanted me to be, not what I felt inside. Not so crappy now, lemme tell ya!

       
  15. Shannon June 12, 2012 Reply
     
     

    I think there are a lot of women out there (me included!) that can relate to all of these wonderful posts – congratulations on some interesting reads!
    Paula – you are sooooo better off, sounds like it definitely wasn’t meant to be, and that you were meant for better things – and now you get to show it!

     
  16. lisa Heidke June 12, 2012 Reply
     
     

    Paula, you are a gorgeous person, inside and out…and so better off without your crappy boyfriend who became an even crappier husband! More strength to you. xx

     
    • Paula June 17, 2012 Reply
       
       

      tnx sweetie! xx

       
  17. Maria Tedeschi June 12, 2012 Reply
     
     

    I was just in Vinnies on the weekend looking a book there about the relationship between mothers and sons. How distance comes between them because sons do that whole ‘too cool for school’ routine and mums think their sons are tougher than they actually are. Cannot for the life of me remember what it was called. I feel like I should go back and get it, especially after reading this post.

    Love & stuff
    Mrs M

     
  18. Kaz Delaney June 13, 2012 Reply
     
     

    Paula – you were obviously living with a crappy man, whose crappy moods, self indulgence, ego and plain stupidity made everything you touched crappy. So who knows? Maybe by the time he’d beaten you down – he was right, and you were a crappy girlfriend. God I hope you were – even just a little bit – because if ever a guy deserved ‘crappy’ it was that one.

    But baby look at you now! Strong, successful, powerful… Nothing and no one can ever take that from you. Keep being that strong mum to your gorgeous boy – you are an awesome role model. Imagine the life he would have had if you hadn’t been so strong? No one deserves to live with that kind of constant criticism. You not only saved you own sanity and self esteem – you saved him. Go you!

     
    • Paula June 17, 2012 Reply
       
       

      I can always count on you as my personal cheerleader, Kaz :-) xxxxx

       
  19. Seana Smith June 13, 2012 Reply
     
     

    He will come back… my 12 year old shows me wee glimpses of his younger, sweeter self… but only in private. My 15 year old too. We recently bonded by watching ‘Game of Thrones,’ with much fast forwarding through the sex scenes! It was so unusual and pleasant to all really enjoy a TV program together.

    Luckily I have a random 6 year old who still thinks I am a marvel. And he’ll never grow up, will he?

     
    • Lisa Schofield June 13, 2012 Reply
       
       

      Thanks Seana, I have a 6 year old as well, if I’m not careful he’ll grow up to be the biggest man baby ever, I’m forever trying to stop him growing up, he fell over on the way to school this morning, and as I started to run over to him, my 11 year old son held me back and said “he’s fine mum, just leave him”. Wise wise words.

       
  20. Seana Smith June 13, 2012 Reply
     
     

    Hooray Paula for the crappy girlfriends of the world. Long may they live cheerfully apart from their crappier ex-boyfriends. Wear that badge with pride.

    And a bigger hooray too for the mum you turned out to be and are.

     
    • Paula June 17, 2012 Reply
       
       

      Seana, <3 !

       
  21. Zohra June 13, 2012 Reply
     
     

    Lisa, i love the way you have written about the change in the relationship between you and your son.
    I have two boys, 17, and 14. The older one is definitely pulling away, the only time we have one-on-one chats is iwhen we are alone in the car.
    The second boy still wants his hugs and time alone with mum, though only in the -privacy of home.
    Goes to show they’re all different, and lovable in their own ways,thank goodness.
    Wendy, I did try playing the video games..when they were younger, except i was very bad at them and kept losing, so gave up!

     
    • Lisa Schofield June 13, 2012 Reply
       
       

      Thanks Zohra, I guess it’s up to us to work out what each individual needs most from us as they’re growing up, and then tweak our parenting approach to make sure all our young individuals individual needs are met!

       

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  • Alice Smith: Well put, and I hope to see your documentary. I hate the idea of vaccinations and believe they can be harmful individual...

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