A TRIO OF TALES…
After ten years, my partner and I separated.
This in itself is not a new or remarkable story, but when he came to tell me one month later that he was going to marry a Vietnamese woman more than half his age (he’s 61) and planning to have children – I was gobsmacked. It immediately raised a lot of questions, like: Are you for real? How long has this been going on? Are you nuts? You fool!
Then I went to Thailand for a holiday and saw loads of aging, balding, paunchy, unattractive Western men swanning around with beautiful young Thai women and I realised that this is a really common course of action for the older man.I wondered as I watched these men – no eye contact- just who is exploiting who?
And this got me to thinking. Is SE Asia awash with aging Western men of questionable character and shaky morality? What is it about these women that Western men find so attractive? I can see that they are young and pretty – is that the only attraction?
Aging men have always lusted after young flesh. This I can understand – I find the smooth skin of young men equally attractive. But women don’t seem to act on it to the extent men do. Are these women obedient, compliant -at least in the beginning? Is it that the older Western women are too feisty? After all, women of a certain age, well we don’t put up with much crap. We can’t be bothered and we don’t have to please anyone, finally.
What a relief.
And who wants to have household of babies at 60? You must be joking. I adore babies, but going back to intense parenting and sleepless nights? No thank you. I drank a bit and muttered a bit and then I began to see the gift in all of this.
Now, at nearly 58, I had an opportunity to make of my life what I wanted. I have had my children, so I don’t need a man for procreation and protection. I earn my own money, I am healthy and fairly strong… wait a minute… I thought, this could be really, really good. I don’t have to look after anyone, make dinner for anyone, organise my time and socialising around anyone… oh yes, this could shape up very well….
So I started doing some things I had been putting off.
I joined a ukulele club. I bought a new car without being told what to buy. I planned an overseas holiday with a daughter. I rearranged the furniture and threw out a whole lot of stuff. Gee it felt good.
And when former partner called to talk to me , I said good luck chum, but I can’t talk, sorry I’m busy and I’m getting ready for a trip. I could hear a baby crying in the background.
Oh poor him.
It took me a while but I made it to a place where I can contemplate a life unencumbered. I may have another relationship, I may not. What I will have is an interesting life, free to do what I like if I have the courage and daring to seize the day. All I can say, ladies, is watch this space…
Airdre Grant
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46 Responses to this article
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Lizabelle March 6, 2012
Congratulations, Airdre! You sound so satisfied with life – I wish you the best for the future.
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airdre grant March 7, 2012
does one ever feelsatisifed with life? Only those people who write those nauseating self help books seem to manage that. My progress in life seems to have been ‘muddling through’. With varying degress of success. A good sense of humour helps, I think.
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Fleur March 6, 2012
Cate, I’m 37 and feel 50. I’m coming to live with you!
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Cate March 6, 2012
No, Fleur, I’m coming to live with YOU. And the sheep.
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elianda lee March 6, 2012
GREAT READING AIRDRE, THE SECRET OF SUCCESS, IS really being happy WITH WHO YOU ARE, AND HAVING SELF ACCEPTANCE, SO MANY PEOPLE THINK IT IS ABOUT ANOTHER PERSON MAKING YOU HAPPY…. NOT SO…. AS WHITNEY HOUSTON, SANG..
THE GREATEST LOVE OF ALL IS IN SIDE YOU…..
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Calloway Luddington March 6, 2012
I am currently living in Singapore, where it’s a very common sight of the, umm, extremely mature, unattractive expat male pushing a double stroller with two very young children, accompanied by a snazzy young wife teetering on her Louboutins, and shrieking into her Burberry covered iPhone. (In fairness, I should point out that the vast majority of the women aren’t local, but rather from developing or third world countries in the region, and doing the best they can to provide for their families back home.)
The men, in order to reduce the appearance of 2 generations of age difference, often resort to home-dyeing their hair with the type of product that usually ends up a little orange, hence their local nickname – Ronald McHusband. I work with a few of these guys, and hear them express their concerns about having to work well into their 70s in order to maintain their current standard of living (as most of them took a giant backward step financially in their late 50s when they terminated their previous relationship). They derive a great deal of joy from their second families, which is just as well because they seem to perform the bulk of the childcare responsibilities when the nannies (yes, plural, usually one for each child) have the weekend off. In many situations the sweet, affectionate girlfriend turns into a fiery harridan of a wife who has no patience for her digestively-ageing husband’s requests of something without chilli for dinner, so it’s not uncommon for the men to eat their main meal of the day at work, then buy something on the way home while the rest of the family eats food more to their own tastes. In social situations, your average Ronald McHusband makes a beeline for any woman of any age from his own culture, and can’t hide his delight at chatting with a woman about non-shopping topics.
Most of the time these guys put on a brave face, and coyly refer to their ‘child bride’ as though they’ve won the lottery, but they just can’t hide the 1000 yard stare of despair, because really, their lives suck and there’s no way out.-
airdre March 6, 2012
Dear Calloway,
love to hear that phrase Ronald Mc Husband! When I saw the wedding invite – sent to me by ‘accident’ , there had definitely been some hair dying going on. In truth there’s a bit of getting over to be done, and a sense of insult that needs to be out aside or processed , but the liberation is good. I am working my way through it and really begining to enjoy things like my own company and time with my daughters. Not having to cook is good too!
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Roz March 6, 2012
Good on you Airdre.
Join the large number of women who having found themselves without the “other” late in life, have seized life to its fullest and studied, re-trained and changed profession or re-entered the work place, travelled ALONE or with friends or strangers and it was pure magic…., got involved with volunteering, met new wonderful women, the list is endless. Just DOING is the answer.
But when you think you may want another “other”, don’t be disappointed if you go on dating sites, it seems the older “others” are just boringly conservative and not interested in us girls! Their loss.-
airdre March 9, 2012
thanks and thats one reason I joined the ukekele club
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Lucy March 6, 2012
I am in the same boat. Torn between the relief of them growing up and the terror of the hairs on my chin multiplying!
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Cate March 6, 2012
Blimey Lucy, don’t start me on the chin hairs. Need deforesting
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Heather March 6, 2012
Great story Cate and so very true on many levels.
Having only just 42 at least I still get to tick the 41-45 box but knowing how quickly time flies, that will all too soon change.-
Cate March 6, 2012
I had to tick a 46-55 box this week, that felt even worse.
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June March 6, 2012
You didn’t tell me my godson went on pub crawls or that my niece had a boyfriend & failed Chemistry!
Great story anyway- it deserves more than $50.Try a book next time-
Cate March 6, 2012
I now save the best stories to write about them
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Lisa Heidke March 6, 2012
Bravo Cate! Funny, poignant and real! Time flies…and I absolutely love your take on the whole aging process. Your kids sound pretty wonderful, too!
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Cate March 6, 2012
Thanks Lisa. Want my kids?
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Jodie Sewell March 6, 2012
Well done Cate. You are an exceptional writer and I looove your sense of humour. I hope John appreciates it too… Cheers
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Cate March 6, 2012
Thanks Jodie. He does, I think.
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AM March 6, 2012
Extremely funny but true Cate – you just say it as it is. I was ticking those boxes a few years ago now. Growing old is part of life – it gives us the chance to reminisce (if we remember).
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Cate March 6, 2012
Thanks AM.
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Flip March 6, 2012
Marcie, I might have suggested something horrible.
Like calling the police and serving them all with trespass.Or making a noise complaint with the trespass included.
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MoniqueN March 6, 2012
I would have seriously considered letting down their tires, but you have to factor in that anything you do will likely result in retaliation against your house.
Probably your best bet, if they are nice folks, is to come over the morning after the party (not too early) and say that you have no problem with the parties, and you let it slide this time because it was obviously just a mistake, but you do prefer it if people don’t park on your lawn, so if they could mention it to their guests you would appreciate it.
But, if they tell you to eff-off and slam the door in your face, feel free to lay down some landmines and tracer fire on the perimeter of your lawn…
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Louisa March 6, 2012
Airdre, what a wonderful story. After being discarded by someone who told me he felt he was meant to be with someone “drop dead gorgeous” I slowly reinvented myself as ‘post-domestic woman’. A few years later that’s how I marketed myself on an online dating site. I met a wonderful man whose hobby is gourmet cooking and I haven’t cooked a meal since November 2009. The other fella did in fact meet someone drop dead gorgeous and he recently confided in me that he has to use Viagra to keep up. Too much information but it gave me a laugh.
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airdre March 7, 2012
Hi Louisa,
Personally I find the phrase ‘drop dead gorgeous’ irritating. it seems meaningless to me and indicative of a fairly underdeveloped value system. Dare I say it adolescent. What about a woman who is good company, has a sense of humour, is adventurous, and a great companion. Wouldnt that be more interesting to be with?-
Calloway Luddington March 7, 2012
I’m with you on this one, Louisa and Airdre – the phrase ‘drop dead gorgeous’ is puerile, and seems to be used by those who think they fit the description. I think it could be infinitely improved upon with the insertion of a comma between ‘dead’ and ‘gorgeous’.
Incidentally, you both sound drop dead wonderful to me.-
airdre grant March 7, 2012
of course why didnt i think of it, the artful use of the comma and it all makes sense. PS love the phrase Ronald McHusband.
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Lia March 7, 2012
Thirteen pairs of headphones. Thirteen pairs! It’s stunned me more than the bras (probably because I can relate to that one). Sorry; what I meant to say was: brilliant story, Cate! More, please.
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Cate March 7, 2012
I know, all those headphones! Its like she stomps on them or something. If she keeps breaking, I’ll keep writing.
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John March 7, 2012
Cate. It is scarey because it is true. Exceptionally well written. You need to write a book. Your husband must be great.
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Cate March 7, 2012
My husband is a lucky man
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Tracy March 7, 2012
Yay, Cate. Thanks for reminding me that this year, when I turn 45, I’ll start ticking a new box. Way to make a girl feel old.
(Great piece, by the way. x)-
Cate Pearce March 7, 2012
A thousand apologies Tracy, but happy to have you join me
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Daphne Alaksa March 14, 2012
You know Cate, I would give my eyeteeth to be your age again — that is as long as my husband were much likewise much younger. It’s best to love what you have. Even try to love your forthcoming wrinkles, which beleive me is hard. For most Australian women they eventually come, and are to be treasured as a sign that at least you’re still alive and able to have a wonderful life. At least that is what I have told myself, and now believe it. Just go out and find a nice bright red dress to wear, and let the rest of the world think what it wants.
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Cate March 27, 2012
Thanks Daphne, you are so right. I’m starting with a bright red cardigan….
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Deb June 10, 2012
Thanks to Kooka for sharing her FB page with me, and in turn your wonder stories….
All I can say at nearly 46 is “onward and upward” yes, I’m divorced, (9 years!) but, I love me for me, enjoy my time on my own and although sometimes missing “someone special” in my life I thank each and every morning for bringing me another day to cherish my kids, love my job and importantly not have to put up with snoring and jocks on the floor…. I love my life….
Great read Airdre -
K June 10, 2012
Hey Cate….. similar tale to you and along the way I
found the answer to menopause……….divorce and an airconditioned apartment!…. -
LJ June 10, 2012
I love the good slog of a bootcamp session. But I’m not sure why these soft Gen Y’s bother when they dont ‘go hard’. To keep tabs on our improvements we are put through the delightful ‘Beep Test’. Our fitness level is determined by our age and what level of shuttles we get to. So the trainer is collecting our DoB data for the App and one of the girls was born the year we were married, this year her 20th birthday and our 20th anniversary! At 43 I kept up with the guys for a good while and certainly creamed those gorgeous young things and I’ve only been going along for a month or so!
Mind you, I grew up chopping wood, hiking miles to school, working my way through uni, all things these young ones have no idea about, being ferried around in Mum’s taxi through teenage years. -
Liza June 10, 2012
Loved your story and believe me you are not alone. My friend’s husband left her about 6 years ago now and they still don’t have the decency to talk to each other civilly even in front of the three children they’ve had together, now 19, 16, and 11. Neither of them can speak kindly about the other in front of their children when there apart either. It’s always your mum is, or your dad is… It certainly isn’t a healthy way of teaching your children the right way to behave regardless of the situation you may find yourself in and don’t ever use your children as your talking piece or pawn to just dump on one or the other just because you can. He has since found himself a much younger woman from Bali which has no problems paying her way to come here, and also support her while she stays with him at his parent’s house. She hardly speaks English, but this doesn’t seem to be an issue for him and no had no regard whether the children like her or not. They just have to accept it, bad luck and when it comes to the children needing something for their Education or other things, he always seems to be broke. Amazing isn’t it, he can afford trips to Bali for both himself when he pleases and for her fares when she comes over to spend time with him. Selfish, I’d say so, awkward, definitely, get over it, I wish they would and stop thinking of themselves in this situation, they are adults what about the children do they not suffer during all this, of course, but who is there for them???????
