TONY’S BACK-DOOR BANDITS
Dear Tony Abbott,
I have some questions about this whole Christian thing. When you were asked on the radio if it was un-Christian to send asylum seekers back to Indonesia, you said “I don’t think it’s a very Christian thing to come in by the back door”.
Now bear with me because I’m not a Rhodes Scholar like you, nor did I spend any time training to become a priest, like you.
However, I was a Sunday School teacher. And in that capacity – and please know I’m not trying to show off – I read the Bible. The whole of it. (Okay, I skipped a lot of the begatting stuff but I promise I carefully noted the passages on seed spilling, fatted calves and fishes and loaves.)
However, I can’t remember the bit where God talked about which doors people are supposed to use.
Can you tell me where in the Bible I can find that?
You see, I’m a bit worried. I grew up in the country and we never, ever used the front door when we went to other people’s houses. Does this mean my family and I are going to hell?
Honestly, where I came from only door-to-door salespeople and religious zealots used the front door. Everyone else got in on the back-door action: friends, aunts, uncles, Girl Guides, the postie, even the local priest. My Great Aunt Beryl was a massive back-door bandit: she’d turn up at any time and yoo-hoo through the fly-wire before letting herself in uninvited.
Is my Great Aunt Beryl in hell now? Will she spend eternity getting a red hot poker up her back door for using the back door?
I thought (and obviously I’m wrong, because I didn’t go to Jesus College) that Christianity followed the teachings of Christ. Isn’t Christ all welcoming and stuff? Didn’t he teach us to help those less fortunate and to treat others as we would treat ourselves?
Have I got that wrong? Was Christ all smiles and sandals until someone popped ’round for a cuppa and used the back entrance instead of the front?
Far be it from me to tell God how to do His job, but maybe He should have made ‘Thou shalt pay attention to accesses and egresses and use them according to My will’ one of the Ten Commandments, because I don’t think I’m the only person who missed that it was a sin.
And obviously, considering the punishment you want to dish out, back door usage is pretty heinous.
I mean, you wouldn’t risk the lives of asylum seekers by sending them back to Indonesia where their human rights are not protected unless they’d done something really, really bad. You would know like the rest of us that when Howard was in charge, some of boats went missing in Indonesian waters. The people on them – the women, the children, the fathers and brothers – all of them disappeared.
I’m not arguing with you, this was clearly God’s will, given his strict anti-back door policy, I’m just saying that if He’s this worked up about points of entry, he should have made a bigger song and dance about it in His memoirs.
All that being said, I do have a bit of a bone to pick. If your God Of Acceptable Entryways really does want to punish people for coming here by boat instead of plane, then shouldn’t we be doing His work on His behalf? Wouldn’t it make more sense to bring the door sinners to Australia so we could punish them properly?
That way, you could let them know to their faces just how un-Christian they are.
If you send them to Indonesia, then they’ll be hanging out with Muslims, and don’t quote me, but I don’t think Allah has a particularly strong opinion on entrance use.
|Page 1 of 2||next >>|