In a perfect world I would have a flat stomach, the homosexual community could choose to marry if they wish, parking inspectors would issue a friendly warning with a smiley face instead of a ticket and Christmas Marketing would begin the day after the Melbourne Cup is run.
I think they should all be made into laws.
Apart from my wobbly guts that is. I need to take some sort of responsibility for that.
But my wobbly guts reminds me of Santa, and that reminds me of shopping centers and lining up with wriggly kids who want to see Santa. Or at the very least, chuck a massive hissy fit at the very sight of him.
The early onset of Christmas Marketing does nothing but stretch out the stress of the entire period. (I was going to write “Holiday” period, but for most of us involved in staging such an elaborate festivus, it ain’t no holiday.)
So instead of sharing my helpful tips on effective table settings using raffia, how to make a prawn and mango centerpiece in the shape of a star, or how to theme-wrap your Christmas Presents, I thought I would share with you some more practical tips. Survival tips, some might say. SO without further ado, I give to you…
THE TOP TEN PESTS TO AVOID AT CHRISTMAS
10 – THE TEENAGER SERVING YOU AT TARGET… wearing reindeer antlers and a surly expression. He will not lift your spirits one bit. And then he will charge you for a bag to carry the loot you bought from the store.
9 – CHRISTMAS BEETLES. I know, they are not people, but they are still a bit ass-holey. They do nothing but bug you, crawl on you, fly into your face causing you to freak out and the worst? Ending up in your drink. And nobody likes a crunchy glass of wine.
8 – THE MILITANT SCHOOL MUM. You know the one. The lady who sends out numerous emails asking for ideas about what to get the teacher for a group Christmas present (when everyone is just happy to do their own thing) then going on to ignore all suggestions, only to buy something lame and then complain that no-one has given her money.
7 – THE IRRATIONAL RELATIVE … whose passive aggressive attitudes and insane talent at finding fault with everything makes them one person to avoid like the plague, which ironically they will tell you they suffered from during the year.
6 – EARLY CHRISTMAS ADOPTERS. Early Christmas Adopters, otherwise known as the ECA Cult, are just about to make their last payment on their Crisco Christmas Hamper and are dead keen to tell you all about it. Their tree is up, their Santa Photos are done and distributed to all and sundry and they are putting the finishing touches on their 12 page FAMILY YEARLY REPORT, a detailed document going into the highlights and accolades each family member has achieved. I like to read these, as I am a bit of a gossip, But please make them interesting! Personally, would rather read about who got caught shoplifting, who had an affair and whose kid got suspended for throwing a chair.
The Report is almost always accompanied by a photo, like this…
5 – WRITERS. Particularly the ones who use Christmas as an excuse for putting content together…wait…
4 – LARGE GATHERINGS OF FAMILY. What do you get when you throw two-dozen people in one room with average air-conditioning and warm coleslaw? You get an Australian Family Christmas, complete with all the tension and awkwardness that can come with it. I know a lot of people try to avoid the Big Family Christmas, but I am not one of them. The more the merrier I say. And for the sake of peace, leave your issues at the door and fake it till you make it, at least through the first bottle of champagne.
3 – UNGRATEFUL GIFT RECIPIENTS. Mainly kids, who are overwhelmed with so many Christmas gifts that they open a parcel, look at it for a second, put it down and then gesture for the next offering. I have seen my kids do this, and I cannot stand it. Sometimes less is more. Kris Kringle anyone?
2 – THE DO GOODER. The Do Gooder is the person who, instead of buying gifts, decides to donate a chicken to a poor village in a Third World Country. Now before you throw your coffee at your screen in disgust, hear me out!
I love this idea and fully support it. What I DON’T like is the Do-Gooder bragging about it in both the lead up to the festivities, during the festivities and for a good period following the festivities. I get it. YOU DID A GOOD DEED. But sometimes these good deeds mean more if you don’t bang on about them for months.
Or maybe I am just jealous that you got to do all your Christmas Shopping in 36 seconds…
So we have come down to number ONE. And in the spirit of premature Christmases all over the world, and because I am a giver, I have decided to leave that one up to you. So I ask you dear friend…
Who do YOU try and avoid at Christmas Time.
And more importantly… WHY?
MORE STORIES BY MRS WOOG
*About Mrs Woog: “I can be found in the laundry, folding laundry, sorting laundry and dropping off the dry cleaning. I am mum to two boys, boss of my husband and master of a cat and two guinea pigs. Come nightfall, I watch TV while tweeting which drives Mr Woog insane. I like to read cookbooks and eat out. During my waking hours I ferry kids around in the Mazda while drinking takeaway coffees and listening to talkback. I think about going to the gym every day. I used to work in the publishing industry before I realised it was nothing like Elaine Benes from Seinfeld made out like it was. Now I write this blog. And I never get writer’s block. It is a gift I have.” You can follow me on Twitter @Woogsworld.