In a perfect world I would have a flat stomach, the homosexual community could choose to marry if they wish, parking inspectors would issue a friendly warning with a smiley face instead of a ticket and Christmas Marketing would begin the day after the Melbourne Cup is run.

I think they should all be made into laws.

Apart from my wobbly guts that is. I need to take some sort of responsibility for that.

But my wobbly guts reminds me of Santa, and that reminds me of shopping centers and lining up with wriggly kids who want to see Santa. Or at the very least, chuck a massive hissy fit at the very sight of him.


The early onset of Christmas Marketing does nothing but stretch out the stress of the entire period. (I was going to write “Holiday” period, but for most of us involved in staging such an elaborate festivus, it ain’t no holiday.)

So instead of sharing my helpful tips on effective table settings using raffia, how to make a prawn and mango centerpiece in the shape of a star, or how to theme-wrap your Christmas Presents, I thought I would share with you some more practical tips. Survival tips, some might say. SO without further ado, I give to you…


10 – THE TEENAGER SERVING YOU AT TARGET… wearing reindeer antlers and a surly expression. He will not lift your spirits one bit. And then he will charge you for a bag to carry the loot you bought from the store.

 width=9 – CHRISTMAS BEETLES. I know, they are not people, but they are still a bit ass-holey. They do nothing but bug you, crawl on you, fly into your face causing you to freak out and the worst? Ending up in your drink. And nobody likes a crunchy glass of wine.

8 – THE MILITANT SCHOOL MUM. You know the one. The lady who sends out numerous emails asking for ideas about what to get the teacher for a group Christmas present (when everyone is just happy to do their own thing) then going on to ignore all suggestions, only to buy something lame and then complain that no-one has given her money.

7 – THE IRRATIONAL RELATIVE … whose passive aggressive attitudes and insane talent at finding fault with everything makes them one person to avoid like the plague, which ironically they will tell you they suffered from during the year.

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