HOW TO SURVIVE THE 9 STAGES OF MARRIAGE
How does a marriage move from “I do” to “I shouldn’t have“? How many women, if confronted with the opportunity, would marry the same man again?
We loved this story in Britain’s Daily Mail about the nine stages of marriage.
According to a new book, though every woman cuts her wedding cake with every hope that her marriage will last forever, almost 6 out of 10 women later admitted that they wouldn’t marry the same man again.
Image via The Art of Romance.
The Nine Phases Of Marriage: How To Make It, Break It, Keep It was written to guide women through the nine distinct stages of being married and having kids. Author, Susan Shapiro Barash explains that if women can identify which stage they’re in, it helps them to understand how they can make their relationships stronger.
Stage 1: Hopeful Bride
This is the most idealised phase of a couple’s life together when you’re still enjoying the three key ingredients of a happy marriage: passion, intimacy and commitment.
Although you may have weathered a few storms already, you faced them together. At this stage you believe your man is your rock, and that romance will last for ever.
Susan says: ‘Wives in this phase aspire to keep the passion alive. Some spoke of how determined they were to get their marriages right because their parents were divorced.’
Prescription: Passion and intimacy are easy to come by at this stage, but you also need to develop friendship to sustain your marriage.
Image via onewed.com.
Stage 2: Perfect Wife
Before the wedding, there was an understanding that after you tied the knot, you and your husband would share the household chores.
But two or three years in, you are starting to feel like social director, housekeeper and errand runner, all rolled into one.
Susan says problems start to arise in Phase Two because many men feel they’ve already shown enough commitment by walking down the aisle.
In an age when more wives than ever go out to work, women are often left feeling overwhelmed and underappreciated.
Susan says: ‘Many women never expected their husbands to have the habits they do.’
Prescription: When bad habits surface — whether it’s dirty socks under the kitchen table or overflowing rubbish bins — it can be a shock. But remember no marriage is ideal. Work out what you can tolerate and what you can’t.
Stage 3: Child-centricity
Once baby comes along, a woman’s attitude tends to change. Some women lose interest in their husband because he has served his procreative purpose. Others train their men to become hands-on fathers.
Many women lose sight of who they are, and say adult conversation and intimacy can dry up, which creates distance between a couple.
Prescription: Never lose yourself in the role of mother: take care of your relationship, as well as your children. If you’re both happy to have a child-centric marriage, talk to your husband about how you want to raise your family.
Terrible tots: Child rearing can take its toll on your marriage so spare some time for your husband too
Stage 4: One bed, two dreams
In this phase — usually nine or ten years into a marriage — many wives report that a few days apart from their partner feels like a welcome break.
Susan’s research found that even if wives are determined to stay married, resentments are starting to build. Common flashpoints include money and how to bring up children.
Prescription: Lower the bar. You will be less disappointed if you roll with the changes that marriage brings, and manage your expectations.
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24 Responses to this article
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sam October 5, 2012
My husband and I have only been married for three years, but in a relationship for 14 and friends for 25 years. I agree things do change over time and with the coming of children, but everyday no matter if he has yet again left his undies on the bathroom floor or lost his godamn keys I still wouldn’t want a life without him:)
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Dee October 5, 2012
I actually liked the comments to the original article better, so I would encourage people to read right through to the comments there too. A lot of them sum up how I felt when I read this article…
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royce October 5, 2012
Yep… after 35 years married and 40 together… this fits my wife pretty closely, with maybe a few more steps added.
What a relief for her to get to the lovely ‘gran’ stage. A rocky road but now a lovely life.
I wonder if I’m deluding myself to thinking that all I’ve done is ‘hang in there”?
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Ellissa October 5, 2012
15 years after kids women start to think about going back to work? As a mum of a 1 and 3 yo that statistic seems terribly outdated. I don’t know one mum not considering going back to work within 3 years of having children.
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Rachel October 5, 2012
Sorry, but why does the woman have to be the one who is gracious and generous? Why does the woman have to make the concerted effort? This reads like a 1950s guide to being a perfect housewife. I’m amazed it doesn’t tell us to tie a pretty bow in our hair at the end of the day and make sure our lipstick is fresh. Give me a break.
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Ro October 5, 2012
Aye aye to that – all too new wierd along old fashioned lines for me, so far, where are the REAL women out there?
Or what? -
Jen October 6, 2012
I’m totally with you Rachel. Can’t believe this was written this century.
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Ro.Watson October 5, 2012
I have never been married. I think the notion of this many years suits this bit of a relationship is fatuous.
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Ro.Watson October 5, 2012
Although I have neve been married, I have been in loving relationships~ I recognise “stages” in relationships~ I love the line I once read in a poem,which I think mirrors fact~” I have fallen in love a hundred times”~ with the same person..
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sami October 5, 2012
This all seems pretty ridiculous but perhaps I’m naive.
Rachel makes a great point- why does the man change and start being a slob and a jerk but the woman has to deal with it? Is this supposed to be normal? Eff that. If you’re two adults in a relationship that is struggling, you communicate, work out your problems and move forward, don’t you? All of the ‘prescriptions’ seem pretty bloody obvious- if you’ve got a problem, FIX IT. If he doesn’t want to, MOVE ON.
And what about couples who don’t have kids? Should we just skip ahead to the affairs?
Sorry, I’ve got my feminist pants on today and this whole article gave me the irrits.
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Jennie October 5, 2012
I’ve been married for 25 years and we have worked closely together in a business for 23 of those, and raised three children. Have had ups and downs including times when we weren’t very close, mainly because of the stress of dealing with very premature twins, and another time during a business failure. But we always managed to keep talking. I would marry him again a thousand times, he’s my best friend as well as everything else.
I honestly believe that the reason we are so happy is that my husband is unusual in being a person with a lot of empathy – he really can put himself in my shoes and see that it would be unfair of me to do more housework when we both do equal amounts of paid work, and it really would be unfair of me to take on most of the parenting when the kids belong to both of us. I actually believe this empathy is rarer in men than in women (sorry guys). How else do you explain that most guys don’t do their share with house/kids? There is no other explanation other than they don’t care about the unfairness.
When I married my husband I had no idea he was a really decent person, I just fell in love. He had been briefly married before, so our marriage was even more of a gamble statistically. I put the success of our relationship down to nothing more than lots of talking, and even more luck. I certainly don’t believe I’m cleverer than people who have not had successful relationships, just way luckier.
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Ro.Watson October 5, 2012
Floss and forage…
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Aussie Chick October 5, 2012
Interesting idea of stages – but not so sure about the assumptions & prescriptions!!
Considering this is a new book, it does seem to be heavily based on a model of marriage that is not longer “the standard.”
What about couples who don’t have kids? Where the wife works? Where the husband stays home? When the couple lived together before marriage? Where the father is obsessed with the kids and not the mother?
It may be because the article is targeted at a primarily female audience, but it seems like wives are expected/advised to negotiate and compromise…
Yet another book giving advice to women on what they need to do differently to make a relationship work, as though men have no role to play!
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Kerry October 5, 2012
I would have been with my ex husband 30yrs this Oct we were married for 21 of those years in those years we had 3 business, were so poor, were so rich comparitively, went through deaths of family members had two boys who I feel I brought up on my own, we divorced in 2011 he seemed to drift off into a fly in fly out job were we both had a lot of time alone , and commenced drinking heavily he would have a different perspective .
I can relate to the stages up to the divorce I think about were it went wrong; my intolerance for the change of behaviour due to alcohol is the main reason and his attitude to the boys
my friends have one word for it arsholism -
Ro.Watson October 5, 2012
Kerry~ last partner told me the reason she dropped me was” mood swings and alcohol”. From my point of view, the latter helped the former~ and I was never an arsehole…
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Jo Hilder October 5, 2012
Love it.
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Annie Also October 5, 2012
Where on earth was the sex in all this? What. Married people have no sex and it is not important?
After nearly 40 years…we still say; “No sex = no marriage”…done deal.
Saying Please, thank you, sorry and how do you feel underlined by sex is the secret to a good marriage.
Just sayin’ -
Miranda Muer October 6, 2012
@Kerry – arseholism…..great term……will add that to my personal dictionary of descriptions, thanks
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Emma October 6, 2012
Well…that was depressing…
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Annie October 6, 2012
Wow – so there is no hope now after 32 years of marriage? Have all but given up the “one day I’ll leave him” idea but gee so depressing to see what is in store for the future. Anyone else feel likewise? Should have make the changes sooner……….always the gunna do.
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sue elliott October 7, 2012
‘Manage your expectations’ hmmmm. All this ‘How to , Self-help’ nonsense dictates that it is women who need to make the adjustments for a relationship to work. We should expect less because that’s all a man can manage. Oh I need a Bex and a good lie down.
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survivor October 7, 2012
Read a book by a bloke who said ‘it takes 2 to get married but only 1 to get divorced’. Ain’t that the truth.
There’s a truckload of people married to people with depression, who very often are a) not acknowledging their problem, let alone getting help for it and b) who are self absorbed – not sure whether this is a symptom or cause of the depression (suspect it’s mostly the latter, in many cases). Marriage to someone in this category is an ongoing nightmare – because they hide it from the outside world, blame the spouse for all their problems, treat it with alcohol rather than medical help & counselling, and the spouse has no control over what happens (just stuck with the consequences). Just emerged from that situation and believe more help/attention should be given to people stuck with someone with depression – spouses & children – innocent bystanders. Living with someone perpetually negative, bad tempered & self absorbed is horrible & destructive for all concerned. How many marriages are like this? Going on the number of people I’ve met recently, I’d say there’s heaps. -
Chen October 11, 2012
And what about getting married in one cultural age norm and surviving living in another ? Been married for way long time I see how we are nothing like the people we started out as so we have had to adapt and change. Sometimes that hasn’t occurred at the same speed and this needs to be worked out.
