AM I TOO OLD FOR A BRAZILIAN?
One of my husband’s more quotable quotes in recent memory was: “As a doctor I get to see lots of dicks and pussies.”
The topic of conversation was waxing.
My GP husband was expounding his theory that you can tell the age of a woman less by the state of her hands than by the luxuriousness of growth of her pubic hair: those in their 40s are usually still ‘native’, women in their 30s can swing either way, but 20-somethings are almost guaranteed to be as naked as the day they were born.
A novel substitute for carbon dating.
I could launch into a polemic and argue that waxing is simply a sinister plot to keep the young women of Australia oppressed; that while they’re occupied denuding every single follicle on their bodies, hairy men are out there taking the best jobs and all the seats in the boardroom. But let’s save serious talk for another day.
I want to discuss a more personal dilemma.
As a woman of mature years I’m bucking a trend, you see. My current beautician is only 20. In her eyes pubic hair is clearly passé and it’s become her crusade to get me to go all the way – a Brazilian.
Now this beautician – we’ll call her Karen – is a buxom girl of Lebanese extraction, swarthy-skinned and dark-haired. I imagine waxing is indeed her friend, which may explain her missionary-like zeal about the whole topic.
I, however, am not particularly hairy and the whole Brazilian thing came along when I was already past it: a mother of three. So what exactly would be the point, I ask myself?
At first I requested a bikini wax.
Karen convinced me to go for the ‘extended bikini line’, which has somehow since morphed into a G-string wax. The old-growth forest on my map of Tassie is now under serious threat, so much so I half-expect to see a group of tiny Green protesters hanging around down there when I go to the loo.
That said my husband seems very happy with the manicured look.
Still, I continue to baulk at the final step, so much so that I risked third-degree burns at my last appointment, swatting Karen away as she came menacingly at me with a spatula of hot wax.
“Look, you’ve hardly got any hair left,” she said, “so what’s the difference?”
“I’m too old,” I protested.
“No you’re not,” she said.
But am I?
What has me worried is a comedy skit I saw recently where Joan Rivers talked about her aging vulva falling victim to gravity. “Dropping” was the word she used. Horrors – up until this point I’d never considered the possibility!
I’m not as old as Joan Rivers, but then I’m definitely not young (having, in cricketing parlance, just cracked a half-century).
What if I go for the full Brazilian and discover that rather than the pert prepubescent number I recall (it was a very long time ago), I have a sad droopy little thing that hangs somewhere around my kneecaps? Swing low sweet chariot, as the song goes.
Karen assures me this won’t be the case, but then she would, wouldn’t she?
Also, I have a pap smear with my gynaecologist due and I’m worried what he would think about it all. Would he think me mutton dressed up (or rather undressed) as lamb?
More likely, of course, he wouldn’t bat an eyelid, having, as my husband put it, seen it all.
So what do others think? How old is too old for a Brazilian? Should I dare go bare down there?
RELATED ARTICLES
Benison Anne O’Reilly is a Sydney-based health writer and published author of three books, The Australian Autism Handbook, Beyond the Baby Blues and a novel, Happily Ever After? She has been published in Sydney’s Child and the Sydney Morning Herald, an is a regular contributor to happychild.com.au a blog about autism and writing.
51 Responses to this article
-
Bernadette Morley February 1, 2012
Same dilemma right here! A comment my husband once made about me (some years ago) as we were sitting on a friend’s deck, overlooking a reserve. The discussion had somehow made its way onto acceptable pubic hair. “See that bush out there? It has NOTHING on Bern”
Been neater ever since.
-
Fiona February 1, 2012
I’ve just turned 40 and did it once because of a miss understanding with my beautician. I came home to show off the work and my husband said it felt like making love to a minor. Not a good experience for either of us!!
-
GJ February 1, 2012
My problem with the Brazilian was no control over pee flow. It sprays everywhere when there’s no ‘guidance’. Am I the only one??
-
polly February 1, 2012
You are not. It’s a total drawback for the first few days!
-
TreesRGreen February 1, 2012
Um, I’m confused. Do I need to ask my nurse friends what this means?
-
-
-
Sandra February 1, 2012
As a beautician I can tell you ..you have to pull the skin taut to rip the wax off. Not an easy task on an older woman..just how far do you want to stretch those flappy bits..lol.
-
Alan Kennedy February 1, 2012
Fiona, did your husband say minor or miner? Just wondering.
-
Alan Kennedy February 1, 2012
Ps gj and Sandra have me rethinking my support of Susan Ryan’s love of the interwebs.
-
KJ February 1, 2012
Nope, I am not going the Brazillian. Not now, not ever. Imhave had IPL to the sideburns but I draw the line there!
Benison, your husband’s ‘dick and pussies’ comment almost made me snort my morning cuppa out of my nose!
-
Kylie L February 1, 2012
PMSL at your old-growth forest! At the risk of sounding like a pervert, I was watching my 9yo daughter as she got changed after swimming last night and thinking how taut and young and streamlined her bits looked. Scientists have debated the purpose of pubic hair: to attract a mate? Protect against friction during lovemaking? (yes, really) But I think it’s possibly more prosaic- it’s to cover the droopy bits.
Good luck with the pap smear too. Hopefully your gyno won’t exclaim, as mine did, how easily the speculum slipped in. (Yep, I used that in Last Summer, if it sounds familiar. that’s what real life is for, isn’t it, to give you material for your novels?)
-
Annieb25 February 1, 2012
Oh Benison I shall never be able to look you in the eyes again – I shall be looking “down there” wondering if you’ve had the carpet fully ripped up! So very funny. Made my morning
-
Jennifer February 1, 2012
Have to say that at “late 30s” I find the idea some what distasteful. I have enough trouble being comfortable with pap tests every two years, let alone 2 monthly bikini waxes – the intimacy of having a brazilian is just a step too far for me.
Also, I work with at risk adolescents, and a reasonable number have experienced sexual trauna as children -
alan kennedy February 1, 2012
I put this on the Susan Ryan post then I realised I was missing out on the fun of this thread.
Susan is right and we need look no further than the next item on the agenda: should the erstwhile columnist have a full Brazilian? Without the internet I would never have been able to wrestle with this vexed issue. It led me to ask myself should I get my bum waxed? Sadly as the only bit of me exposed when I go to my beautician is my sparsely populated head (no need for a Brazilian there) it is not something I feel I can discuss with my tonsorial consultant. I feel sure dropping my dacks and asking his opinion would only incite unseemly comment. -
Suzy February 1, 2012
My problem with the whole hairless thing (men as well as women) is ‘why does everyone want to look pre-pubescent’?? Legs make sense – instead of stockings. Pits makes sense – deodorant works better. The rest is a bit worrying.
-
bikerbetty February 1, 2012
Absolutely! I find it very disturbing.
-
Shiralee February 7, 2012
I’m glad I’m not the only one. I remember the dirty look I got from a few younger girls were talking about getting a Brazillian. I asked them if it concerned them that some guys liked the 5 year old look.They asked why and I said it would concern me if a guy wanted me to look like a 5 year old. They had never thought about it that way.
-
-
-
Anon For This February 1, 2012
I get the odd almost-Brazilian (all gone except for landing strip of hair). Hubby says he doesn’t mind either way. The weird thing is, it is supposed to make sex way better / more sensitive. Not my experience. It’s better when I’m a bit hairier. Guessing I may be in a minority…
-
Tracey February 1, 2012
Just contemplating the pain and indignity is enough to stop me getting a brazillian – but a very funny/real article.
-
Frankie February 1, 2012
Just do it. My boyfriend(52) really wanted me (50) to try it and so eventually I did. It’s surprisingly liberating and feels very sexy. And you don’t need to worry about any droopy bits – your lover won’t see anything he doesn’t like there. Anything that keeps the sex and intimacy alive is worth a try.
-
Lisa Forrest February 1, 2012
Thanks Benison – and to everyone who posted – tears in my eyes from laughing!
I’m with those who find it freaky and pre-pubescent. And with Suzy in including men.
I’m a child of the 70′s when everyone was hairy – including our pop stars and sports stars. JPY, swoon, Lindsay Buckingham, swoon (not to mention Stevie Nicks). My Dad has always had a big mo’ ala Dennis Lillee/John Newcombe.
But it took me a while to convince my husband to grow his thick dark locks longer than a metrosexual buzz cut when I first met him. Had all sorts of reasons for not doing it – including that you couldn’t wear long hair in corporate Sydney.
(Investment bankers have a lot more to answer for in this world than just stuffing up the economy, I reckon!)
Eventually he did and (not surprisingly for me) men and women in the office swooned! A couple of years ago in the Quicksilver shop in Honolulu, the young sales assistant pointed out my husband in the shop and told me, ‘that guy is, like, the manliest man I’ve seen in a long time.’
Hair is grown-up and adult and sexy – for both men and women. -
Karen Purser February 1, 2012
Ha, have never had a brazilian and almost certainly never will – hubby was never keen, and in truth I am a great avoider of pain! No discussion of the pubic hair issue is complete without reference to the brilliant Amanda Palmer’s song Map of Tasmania – (video probably not safe for most workplaces) but well worth watching!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TpycUVP5OEE -
Seana Smith February 1, 2012
Benison, I’ve been falling about laughing here in a play centre and it’s hard to explain to my wee son why!! Hilarious!
The subject of brazilians is one that has caused hours of chat amongst my group of old gal pals, the Old Trolls, for years. The dating ones tend to, the non-dating (not even dating our partners much!) tend not.
I’ve given it a whirl once and the memory of the excruciating pain still makes my eyes water. Not worth it for me, I have to say, when a little trim here and there can do a lovely job with no pain at all.
-
Jane Furnell February 1, 2012
I’m in my 40s, and I must admit I worry about what the doctor would think too, but not half as much as I worry about excruciating pain. Crikey, eyebrow waxing is bad enough!
I love the comments that husbands made about them feeling like paedophiles, because that’s another thing I worry about; why does a man want their woman to look prepubescent?
But the pee flow problem, well that’s nailed it for me. I won’t be going Brazilian EVER. -
deborah February 1, 2012
excellent topic! Hilarious and enlightening… Me I’m a take me, take my hair kind of girl. After giving birth to two babies I have a gorgeous non-flat, does a bit of hanging around kind of stomach and to be honest I just don’t think going no pubes really is the right accessory for that. Okay and I’m a sissy girl and don’t like pain. Anyways love all your comments.
-
Benison O'Reilly February 1, 2012
I’ve been at work all day without access to the Internet, gah! Glad people have enjoyed my story but with so many fors and againsts I’m still confused…. As an update my husband tells me that he’s now seeing (professionally, I mean!) quite a few young straight guys who are hairless down there as well – read into that what you will! I thought that was mainly the domain of the gay boys, with the ‘back, sack and crack waxes’ big at upcoming Mardi Gras time.
-
Lady Penelope February 1, 2012
There’s probably a good reason that the Brazilian is the territory of the 20 something. And if that buxom Lebanese beautician is on the vicinity of Marrickville then I too have been urged to go all the way, which convinces me this advice is based on business not aesthetics.
-
Benison O'Reilly February 1, 2012
No, not Marrickville. The pee direction thing is pause for thought, however….
-
-
Maid In Australia February 1, 2012
I’ve gone the almost Brazillian a few times now, but I won’t go the whole way because of the paedophile thing – there is something creepy about men who like grown women to be completely bare down there. Having said that, I find it convenient to be comfortably clear of hair especially when nipping in and out of bathing suits – no need to tuck away stray hairs or spend time de-foresting at the last minute. But I hate waxing. I’m a fan of laser removal now. and hopefully the touch-ups will because less frequent.
-
Sandra February 1, 2012
On the comment of hairless teen boys, my teenage daughter tells me all the high school boys remove all their pubes. They believe it makes them look bigger and they all show it off to each other and the girls at school.Its accepted as the norm.
-
Gidget February 1, 2012
I am in my 40′s. I also had an abused childhood. And I have done the full monty several times and will again. Sure the brazilian hurts – but not as much as childbirth and is over much quicker. And you feel… liberated.. sexy..
Why do I do it? For me!! For no-one else but me. It is one way I claimed MY sexuality. MY body.
I am married – husband likes either way and is happy with whatever I choose.
I like the feeling of being cleaner – especially that time of them month. I don’t have a pee direction problem either.
I like the smoothness. Hanging bits don’t bother me.
My advise – do it – do it once – if you don’t like it – it will grow back. Then you know. -
Angela February 1, 2012
I’m 54 and have been having Brazillian waxing for about 4 years. Once you start you never want to go back. Just do it! It is certainly much less painful the more you have it done. Rather have a Brazillian wax than go to the dentist anyday. Gives deforestation a whole new meaning.
-
Benison O'Reilly February 1, 2012
Thanks for the encouragement, Angela!
-
-
Kay February 1, 2012
A bit off topic, but I was reading on FB you can buy something called Pink Button (?) for using down there for putting a bit of colour on the aforesaid droopy bits. Its a bit like lip gloss :/
-
Sally February 1, 2012
Oh how funny. I am in my mid 40s and a fan of the “almost” Brazilian bikini wax – with a landing strip left to remind me what it once looked like. (And my husband loves it.) BUT your post reminds me of a funny moment when I was 39 weeks pregnant. I’d gone into see my wonderful waxer Miriam, lay down on the bed and left her to it – I’d been a regular client for a couple of years so she knew how I liked my wax. Or so I thought. Thanks to my HUGE belly I couldn’t see what she was doing “down there” and a few minutes into the treatment I felt a warmth all over the front of my pubic area. Miriam was going the full monty – and it was too late to do anything other than rip the lot off! I was mortified – but mainly because I had a date with the obstetrician a week later!
-
gogirl February 1, 2012
I’m with Gidget. If you’re curious, if you’re considering it, if you think maybe you’d like to try it – then do it. If you don’t, you’ll always wonder and never know – and what a letdown that’d be!
If you hate it, it’ll pass and you don’t have to do it again. If you love it, well think of the possibilities.
I probably do the doctor bit first though
-
Daisy February 1, 2012
The trend for hair removal is contagious! My 15 yr old sports mad son advised that he wanted me to book him into the beautician for a leg wax urgently as he was the only one of his friends at the party on the weekend who still had leg hair!
-
Jackie February 2, 2012
I’m 51 and have been getting Brazilians before it was called that….For me I like the smoothness, it feels cleaner and less “sweaty” down there.
I have a great beautician though I have been known to “do it myself” lately as I am limited physically at the moment so can’t get out of the house alone.
As with anything…it’s all about choice. Do what makes you most comfortable…it’s only hair..it grows back if you don’t like it
-
Valerie Parv February 2, 2012
All this brings out my cynical side, never well hidden at the best of times. If you read my Hoopla article, “Some ads are hard to swallow” you know I hate how the commercial world creates problems then sells us products to “solve” them. The hairiness question smacks of this – make bare down there sexy and we’ll pay a fortune to stay that way. By all means do what makes you feel good, as long as it’s your own idea and not commercial blackmail.
-
Benison O'Reilly February 2, 2012
I was really just having some fun but it’s brought out some strong opinions, for and against. Will check out your piece. I do like the idea of a cynical romance writer, but I now see from your bio that you are much more than that.
-
-
tandah February 2, 2012
Remember seeing something on ‘Gruen’ – think it was Gilette that started the fad for women to shave armpits in the 1920′s when male facial hair market topped out – they then move onto legs. Advertisements in a saturated market moved back onto men, to remove their pubic hair – with the tag line something like ‘tree’s look much taller when they’re not surrounded by undergrowth”.
-
Benison O'Reilly February 2, 2012
Wow that’s funny! Relates back to a previous comment along the same lines. Never underestimate a man’s vanity when it comes to his willy!
-
-
anna February 7, 2012
I HATE having hair down there, it’s itchy and nasty and pulls at all the wrong moments.(ie, during yoga or sex).
I am in the middle of having the most of it lasered off, leaving just a thatch at the front. Its cleaner, more comfortable and sex is better. And I’m 49. Who needs the forest? I love being balded, and there is definitely no chance of me looking like an 11 year old let me assure you. -
Danny Dix August 3, 2012
My girl had the full de-thatch, and while she was at tennis one day I decided to follow her lead.
(there was bourbon involved)
But how to get it off? Applying my specialized male problem solving synapses (two were still functioning, but the other ten had by now tread water gamely, then gone down with the ship) I retreated to the shed to retrieve a large roll of adhesive tape.
Problem solved.
Back to the bathroom to tape up the whole sheebang, sac, slack, surround and all. May as well do the lot in one go.
Dont you find most Things seem so simple after sufficient refreshments.
I carefully wrapped all the ends of tape together like a fuse, fished a strip of meat out of my girls casserole from the fridge to use in place of leather and gripped it firmly in my teeth.
Ready.
Gripping the tape handle with both hands, I jerked the tape viciously away from my body……and promtly doubled up on the floor agonizing over four different exotic and very special types of pain.
Ok, I’ll do this another day.
It was then I realized I’d used the permanent tape. The stuff guaranteed by the manufacturer never to come off of anything ever…or even longer than that.
Uh oh.
One problem solving synapse was still conscious so I watered it with another bourbon and came up with a new and even better solution to ‘weeding the lawn’.
It took a few minutes to set up, but now I had relocated to the middle of the back yard, the tape handle was tied to a three metre rope, I had another piece of my girls leather casserole in my hand, and on the other end of the rope, my greedy Labrador was eying the meat and dribbling a bit more than I felt comfortable with.
Right then.
I deftly threw the meat across the yard to land in the far garden. The dog reached terminal velocity in four strides and the coil of rope ran out at frightening speed.
I never squeal…never. Squealing is not in my vocabulary.
Someone squealed nearby.
The rope came up tight powered by forty kilos of lumbering hippopotadog.
I was lifted bodily from the ground by my genitals and propelled three metres across the lawn. There was a sickening tearing sound. My boy bits were stretched out to twice their normal length. Good god. It must be at least 4″. The tape final failed to live up to its manufacturers promise of foreverness (thank god) and ripped free to skitter across the yard following the now somersaulting dog. There was an unaccustomed cool breeze around my wedding tackle.
And There commenced my one and only bald period. My girl said it was lots of fun, and that i should maintain it that way, but I had already squirreled the tape from hell into the garbage bin, never to be seen again.
