WHY WAS I THE ONE WHO WAS SPARED?
It takes just a glance at the headline “… Matt Golinski doesn’t know why he was spared…” and my breath catches in a rush of tangled emotions; deep sadness at a family lost, a thrum of empathy and, ultimately, recognition; for I have also had to ask why I was the one that survived.
Chef Matt Golinski who lost his wife and three daughters in a house fire on Boxing Day, 2011. Photo by Barry Alsop, Eyes Wide Open Images, via Fairfax.
It was 2003, and I was sitting in my mother’s lounge room, wrapped in blankets as the police officer across from me delivered the news that left me even more numb than I’d been in the past three weeks; that we, the police and I, had arrived back at the house just four minutes too late to save my daughter (4), son (22 months) and my father from being killed by my then husband.
The police officer’s eyes had stayed on my face as he tried to soften his words “It could have been worse, Ingrid. You could have been badly hurt, or you could have been killed, too”.
And all I could think of was “How is that worse? How could my death be worse than having to live with theirs?”
It’s hard to describe the state of mind that can think of your own death with such dispassion. I never thought to intentionally take my life, but I could not understand how my body didn’t just fade away and disappear with the loss of my family.
Whether we realise it or not, it is the humdrum minutiae of our children’s existence – the chattering and tantrums and routines, that draw the lines around our life, and with my children gone, I could not find my edges.
Yet the days continued and I did not vanish, so I began to wonder, too, why it was that I had been spared?
In big events such as these, people are quick to offer other-worldly platitudes like ‘everything happens for a reason’. This may offer comfort to some but it never worked for me.
It just seemed that this was an attempt to convince ourselves that there is a completely rational and logical reason for random events: that an existential deal has been struck somewhere and we just aren’t privy to the other side of the bargain.
But the reason people do it is because, really, the alternative is terrifying; that we aren’t safe, that we aren’t immune, that things, bad things, can happen to any of us.
Rachael, Starlia, Sage and Willow Golinski. Photo by John McCutcheon/Sunshine Coast Daily via Fairfax.
Herein lies the corruption of Karma – that if you are good then good things will happen to you.
Whether or not we subscribe to this belief, we still hold onto it, hard, like a good luck totem: “That won’t happen to me because I have shored up my karma points.”
I remember myself, lying in bed and adding up the score-sheet of all the negative thoughts and actions I had done in my life, trying to justify why I’d lost everything.
Then, amongst the litany of mournful wrong-doings and mean-spirited thoughts that I was carefully cataloguing there came the image of my smiling four-year-old Malee and the thought struck me.
What on Earth could my little girl have done that was so bad that she earned death? Let alone my 22-month-old baby?
The balance sheet logic just couldn’t hold meaning after this, leaving me with the giddying thought: that there was no inherent meaning to what had happened.
There is a beautiful poem written by Edna St Vincent Millay, part of which says
“After terrible dreams,
After crying in sleep,
Grief beyond thought…
Shall come sun on the wall, shall come sounds from the street…”
The realisation that I didn’t have to understand why this had happened was my ‘sun on the wall’ moment, a moment when the clamouring in my mind gave pause, the stranglehold of grief relaxed and for the first time since their deaths , I felt peace.
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26 Responses to this article
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Debbie Carr August 27, 2012
Both Matt and Ingrid are inspiring beyond words.
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Kaz August 27, 2012
I’ve read “Rise”. Not because I had any tragedy in my life and could relate, but because I’ve noticed that often with great pain comes great clarity and wisdom and I wanted to hear what Ingrid had to say from her unique perspective.
Ingrid is a deeply wise and inspiring person (and writes beautifully) and I thank her for helping me appreciate the life I have while I have it. I fully agree that there are no easy explanations and simple answers in life, no neat stories or philosophies to make it all make sense. I’ve searched for answers and tried on many religions and philosophies all my life, but nothing rings true so well as simply accepting what “is” , accepting the “I don’t know”‘s and appreciating what is here and now.
I highly recommend Ingrid’s book.
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Alice Shaw August 27, 2012
I cannot fathom how Ingrid has survived and yet she has. The thought of losing my children is something that terrifies me and I just can’t understand how someone gets through this. And yet Ingrid has and Matt is trying to. There is no reason why these tragedies occurred and all you can do is wish some peace upon people like Matt and Ingrid and hope fervently that you never go through this yourself.
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Janice Poulson August 27, 2012
After reading this article I can only add that Ingrid has continued to be an inspiration in the way she lives her daily life and in what she strives to achieve. She has not only written a great book but lives what she has written. I have witnessed that in the way she pours out her love into her new family and in the way she adds something special into the lives of the others she meets every day.
I think she, and Matt,are living testaments to the courage and strength of the human spirit and the ability to survive the most appalling tragedies.
Thank you for giving them the space Wendy to inspire others. -
sharon T August 27, 2012
I can’t add anything to what has been written above – other than to be grateful for Ingrid and Matt and many others like them.
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moorie August 27, 2012
So very, very sad. Bless you all!
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sam August 27, 2012
A friend of mine is a councellor for families who have lost people through violent crime. She says that the people she helps are often incredibly inspiring and courageous and is constantly amazed at their ability to carry on despite the terrible grief that they are feeling.
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florally August 27, 2012
Thank you for these stong words.It was the perfect kick in the pants to bask in the new hope and opportunity of a Monday morning. I hope Ingrid knows how much light she shines on to others walls. Its miraculous stuff x
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bigwords August 27, 2012
Thank you so much for your wonderful honesty and inspiration Bxx
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Sara August 27, 2012
Ingrid and Matt are simply beautiful.
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Ro. Watson August 27, 2012
Oh dear girl. May each day bring appreciation of sun on the wall, and each night, moon in the sky,travelling westward.
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Sarah August 27, 2012
Devastatingly beautiful. Thank you Ingrid. Your words are truly inspiring.
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Vicki Madden August 27, 2012
So beautifully written and so profoundly thoughtful. Those who choose to believe in religion and karma are all entitled to, but the truth lies in these words from Ingrid. It is a simple message learned out of deep grief. Be grateful for the life you have. I sincerely hope that Matt gets to read your book Ingrid. You have inspired me no end.
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Margy August 27, 2012
Its such a powerful message that you have been able to rise above the profound grief you experienced. There is real hope in your story. Thankyou for sharing.
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Susan August 27, 2012
Thank you.
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Benison O'Reilly August 27, 2012
What an inspiring, thoughtful piece., Ingrid Thank you so much for writing it.
People like to think they have control over their lives but they only really have control over their own actions. Random cruel acts of fate could waiting be around the corner for any of us; if so, we’ll be powerless to stop them.
I have a son with a disability, one of my best friend’s 17 year old nephew is dying from cancer. Neither is anybody’s fault. I agree that the knowledge we are all vulnerable is in its own way liberating. It sets us free to enjoy life while we can.
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Sarah Evans August 27, 2012
I was very upset for Matt, he is such a lovely man, his loss made me think instantly of Ingrid, and Rise. Her story inspires you to look forward. I hope Matt finds solace in his guitar in the meantime, and might have the opportunity to hear Ingrid speak.
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Donna @ NappyDaze August 28, 2012
Thank you for sharing such a truly inspirational story. It reminds me again that there is so much triviality in life we waste our energies on, when we should, like you, just focus on being grateful. I’m going to be so much more conscious of it from here in.
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sarah August 28, 2012
Ingrid you light up a room when you walk in. You honour your dad and kids every day just in the way you lead your life. I am truely blessed to have a cousin like you.
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ellenni August 29, 2012
hmm keep hearing about kharma but dont know what i think of it.
i cant imagine the pain of losing your dearest loved ones. there are no words of comfort that can take away the pain and yet we get up everyday and go on. perhaps it helps to know that you in so many persons thoughts.
the question is why are we here at all and what comes next.
there has to be a reason why some go early and others have to live on.
it cant all be random can it? -
Jodie Nolan August 30, 2012
Thankyou for sharing this remarkable story which with acute sadness is also filled with such inspiration and strength. And to Wendy and those at hoopla, I only discovered you last week and it has been a wonderful revelation. Thank you for creating this forum.
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Kath August 31, 2012
Yes, all we really have is THIS moment. Each breath, each moment. It’s hard to live like that but if you can it does bring clarity and peace. I have nothing too, to complain about. Matt and Ingrid and many, many others who have been through similar, are truly beautiful people, beyond words. I wish them nothing but the best for the rest of their lives.
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Lynette Lyall September 8, 2012
I have read and re-read Ingrid’s book and found it very helpful. Mat and Ingrid have served as a inspiration to me having lost my two and only children in one day. if they can find the strength
and courage to find some happiness and peace with living then maybe I can to.
