Welcome to the wonderful world of Social Media, whether that be Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Blogs, Foursquare, Linkedin, YouTube, Pinterest, Google+, Flickr or Tumblr.
Where one’s online persona can be as polished, perfect and professional as one seems fit. Where each image or status update can depict just how perfect you are.
Like my family and me!
This photo was taken after a romantic dinner with our kids and my husband presented me with a set of diamond studs before the nanny came and whisked away the children while we made hot passionate love for 5 hours, which is amazing as we have been married for a million years and still have so… much… passion…
I am so grateful for my life.
In reality, this photo was taken after a frog race in Fiji, following the most dreadfully-themed buffet dinner, which everyone hated, and about one second earlier we’d decided that this was the worst holiday ever.
And then we were struck down with food poisoning.
But on the outside… LOOK AT US! So lucky and grateful.
PUT ON THAT HAPPY FACE PEOPLE! FOLK ARE WATCHING!
There are several categories of social media users.
Those folk who present themselves online as a complete vision of loveliness. Everything they eat is organic and they decorate in a whimsical style, with expensive rare trinkets gathered up from all over the globe. They share their lives with you on several platforms, blogs and Instagram. I call it lifestyle porn. There is a place for it. Unfortunately just not in my house.
The often-maligned term used for women who write on the Internet, building communities and sharing stories with women is similar situations. In some cases, hell, you don’t even have to have produced offspring or ever write about your kids to be labeled a Mummy Blogger!
While traditional media continue to scratch their heads and roll their eyes, this group of writers continues to build communities and share stories.
And make small breakthroughs among those who are beginning to sit up and take notice that this genre is not all about bitching and moaning about the kids. However, they do have the tendency to turn on each other faster than members of the ALP if anyone dares rock the boat.
Disagreeable souls who get a kick out of arguing publicly and online. Entertaining, and quite often embarrassing, you can tell when this sub-sect jumps the shark when their clever and witty arguments turn personal.
Worriers have deep fears and like to tell you about them. HUGE STORM COMING!
WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE! Google Doomsday Preppers Forums and start following a few threads. Complete GOLD! Unless of course the world turns to shit and we wished we had actually joined….
Got a problem? Update your Facebook or tweet it out into the ether and watch the Earnest Helpers assist you with your inquiry. These types know the name of the Unknown Soldier, and can add a link to a helpful website so you can delve even further. Earnest Helpers are the best and have got me out of a pickle on many occasions.
Some people hate them, but not me! My empathetic side makes me want to reach out and offer up a hot Milo and a tummy rub. Perhaps a scratch behind the ear?
There are two sub sects here. One is the clever smart ass. You know the ones, where you read a comment and think, how do you do it? I should be offended but your cheeky online ambience prevents me from doing so.
The other is just genius writing, that makes you want to light up a cigarette at the end of a paragraph and lie back, in quiet contemplation.
The Classic Pervert
The Classic Pervert likes to watch. Not get involved mind you. Just watch. And you don’t even know that they are there. They just follow you… quietly.
I have it on good authority that underneath the crochet hooks and balls of wool, the Online Craft Community is not always as rosy as it would appear. Accusations of pattern stealing and taking credit for other people’s work get flung around the online corridors, which are lined with cross-stitches and bitches. Although, with a new kid on the block, this might change soon.
Scary Feminists on Twitter
Young, mouthy, attractive chicks who studied Feminism at university. These ladies are good to observe safely from behind the screen – but try not to engage, for you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Just watch and learn. And get confused in the process.
These people are like most of my mates and my partner, who just don’t get the allure of living a part of your life online. And I do say a part. Choose carefully what you share with the world and keep some of your life for yourself.
And if you are one of the many social media consumers who sleep with an iPhone by your bed, email me and I will talk you through the process of getting some balance back.
Even if it just means that you cut down Instagramming your dinner to just once a week.
Unless it is a bowl on quinoa and then it is NEVER!
I have had enough of looking at that shit.
When it comes to social media, where do you fit?
Can you think of an important category that I have forgotten?
MORE STORIES BY MRS WOOG
*About Mrs Woog: “I can be found in the laundry, folding laundry, sorting laundry and dropping off the dry cleaning. I am mum to two boys, boss of my husband and master of a cat and two guinea pigs. Come nightfall, I watch TV while tweeting which drives Mr Woog insane. I like to read cookbooks and eat out. During my waking hours I ferry kids around in the Mazda while drinking takeaway coffees and listening to talkback. I think about going to the gym every day. I used to work in the publishing industry before I realised it was nothing like Elaine Benes from Seinfeld made out like it was. Now I write this blog. And I never get writer’s block. It is a gift I have.” You can follow me on Twitter: @Woogsworld.