BLOKE SCIENTIST WALKS INTO A BAR…
Some people imagine scientists will save the world from environmental catastrophe.
I don’t.
Because I’ve figured out that a lot of male so-called “scientists” spend too much time studying stuff they hope will get them more sex.
Global warming, cold fusion, the rise of super bugs, dark matter, nanotechnology – yeah, it’s all kind of useful to mankind (blah, blah, blah), but why would you study that boring stuff when you can land a research grant to look down women’s tops and up their skirts? Especially in bars?
Woot!
I tender as evidence this collection of (all true) “scientific research” that most footy club committees would volunteer for… if their wives and girlfriends would let them.
In fact, maybe we should give the footy club grants to study this crap? It would be cheaper.
Check out these studies and tell me if the blokes you know couldn’t have figured this out for themselves over a beer or two at the RSL…
Scientific finding#1: Women who have bigger breasts get bigger tips.
In his 2010 study, “Determinants and Consequences of Female Attractiveness and Sexiness: Realistic Tests with Restaurant Waitresses”, Prof. Michael Lynn from Cornell University, USA, found that women who had bigger breasts, were blonde and slender got bigger tips.
He admitted he did not break any new ground. “However, it’s always important to test what seems like obvious cultural wisdom,” he said.
Footy club finding: “No worries Dolly, you keep the change love! Phwooar! ”
Scientific finding # 2: The way a woman walks can reveal details of her sex life.
Researchers in Belgium, watched videos of women walking and found they were able to tell which regularly had orgasms as a result of vaginal intercourse.
“The discerning observer may infer women’s experience of vaginal orgasm from a gait that comprises fluidity, energy, sensuality, freedom, and absence of both flaccid and locked muscles,” wrote scientists in the study released last month.
Footy club finding: “She looks like she would bang like a dunny door in a gale. Dead set.”
Scientific finding # 3: Men never stop wanting sex, until they die.
In 2010, Australian scientists reported that even for men nearing 100, sex was important. Almost half of men aged between 75 to 95 said they wanted more sex than they were getting, the study concluded.
Footy Club finding: “Have a go at that, Pops. Too bad it’s all in ya head, mate! You’re past it, son.”
Scientific finding # 4: Women hitchhikers are more likely to catch a ride if they have big breasts.
According to a recent French study, “Bust size and hitchhiking: a field study,” male drivers are nearly 10 percent more likely to pick up a woman with a C cup versus an A cup.
Footy club finding:
Dazza: “Mate, stop, stop. Pull over!”
Wazza: “I can’t mate, I’ve already got the kelpie in the back of the ute. What if she fell out?”
Dazza: “Spot on. Findin’ a good working dog’s not easy.”
Scientific finding # 5: Wearing make-up increases male advances at a bar.
Wearing cosmetics induces men to approach women more rapidly and more often found a researcher at the French Universite de Bretagne-Sud in 2008.
“Results showed that the makeup condition was associated with a higher number of male solicitations and a shorter latency between the arrival of confederates in the bar and the first courtship solicitation of a male,” the study concluded.
Footy club finding: “Geez, that chick at the bar’s got a head like a dropped pie. Better have another schooner or three and get the beer goggles on.”
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11 Responses to this article
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Van Essa July 4, 2012
All I can say is that I’ve sent this off to my girlfriend, the scientist for her analogy. I’m sure she will have something to say. For me…I’m gobsmacked.
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The Huntress July 4, 2012
I love science. Really love science. But this makes me cringe. Though I DO believe number 6 “Interacting with attractive women can make men act dumb”. I have seen some truly stunning acts of stupid behaviour by men allegedly trying to impress a pretty girl. Problem is, what normally impresses their mates does not usually work on the ladies.
Though, (I can’t quite believe I’m doing this) in defence of some of these studies, scientific method usually means taking a step back and looking objectively at an issue that seems useless, but may possibly contribute to society at some point. I know the general consensus on a study that asked how long can people hold off going to the toilet for before becoming distracted was that it was a waste of time. But that study will actually be able to set guidelines for how often people in positions of responsibility (ie. pilots, surgeons) should take toilet breaks in order for them to perfom better at their job.
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Lady Jewels Diva July 4, 2012
Puhleeze!
Since when have men ever ACTED dumb!
We all know they don’t have a brain in either head!
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LJ July 4, 2012
YES! As a young female engineer we used to meet up with other female engineers at the Institute of Engineers. One young lady with long blonde hair recounted an office story – she was asked at the site office “Why do blondes act so dumb?” her quick witted reply was “At least I have to ACT”. The rest of the office was rolling in laughter and the questioner looked around puzzled…not getting it.
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Panda July 4, 2012
Waaagh! “Science, it’s a girl thing.” I despair of the advertising industry….. Unfortunately, I’ve seen plenty of this before. Made me completely forget the wonderful article Wendy wrote.
also just read the article on pregnancy brain, I’m in need of some uplifting, positive female role models Hoopla! Please help! -
Pauline July 4, 2012
Excellent Wendy. I am mostly astonished at funding for research. Some of the topics that attract grants are unbelievable. One that sticks in my mind was ‘Are people who haven’t been robbed, happier than people who have?’ There was money for this!
As for the toilet break research, just go!.
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SandsOfTime July 4, 2012
Oh pleeeeease tell me that the fim clip is a spoof. Please? I am still half expecting Harry Enfield’s “Women, know your limits” warnng to pop up at the end of that one. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SjxY9rZwNGU
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Shannon July 4, 2012
Thank you, SandsOfTime!
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the*sparrow July 11, 2012
Why do men prefer looks to brains?
Because they can see better than they can think!
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Alban August 17, 2012
Blokes are shallow…… who ever whould have guessed?
At least they’d need to be drunk to attempt to win a copy of Hot August Night….. maybe not if the current or future squeeze may be tempted…
Regards
