BLOKE SCIENTIST WALKS INTO A BAR…
Some people imagine scientists will save the world from environmental catastrophe.
Because I’ve figured out that a lot of male so-called “scientists” spend too much time studying stuff they hope will get them more sex.
Global warming, cold fusion, the rise of super bugs, dark matter, nanotechnology – yeah, it’s all kind of useful to mankind (blah, blah, blah), but why would you study that boring stuff when you can land a research grant to look down women’s tops and up their skirts? Especially in bars?
I tender as evidence this collection of (all true) “scientific research” that most footy club committees would volunteer for… if their wives and girlfriends would let them.
In fact, maybe we should give the footy club grants to study this crap? It would be cheaper.
Check out these studies and tell me if the blokes you know couldn’t have figured this out for themselves over a beer or two at the RSL…
Scientific finding#1: Women who have bigger breasts get bigger tips.
In his 2010 study, “Determinants and Consequences of Female Attractiveness and Sexiness: Realistic Tests with Restaurant Waitresses”, Prof. Michael Lynn from Cornell University, USA, found that women who had bigger breasts, were blonde and slender got bigger tips.
He admitted he did not break any new ground. “However, it’s always important to test what seems like obvious cultural wisdom,” he said.
Footy club finding: “No worries Dolly, you keep the change love! Phwooar! ”
Scientific finding # 2: The way a woman walks can reveal details of her sex life.
Researchers in Belgium, watched videos of women walking and found they were able to tell which regularly had orgasms as a result of vaginal intercourse.
“The discerning observer may infer women’s experience of vaginal orgasm from a gait that comprises fluidity, energy, sensuality, freedom, and absence of both flaccid and locked muscles,” wrote scientists in the study released last month.
Footy club finding: “She looks like she would bang like a dunny door in a gale. Dead set.”
Scientific finding # 3: Men never stop wanting sex, until they die.
In 2010, Australian scientists reported that even for men nearing 100, sex was important. Almost half of men aged between 75 to 95 said they wanted more sex than they were getting, the study concluded.
Footy Club finding: “Have a go at that, Pops. Too bad it’s all in ya head, mate! You’re past it, son.”
Scientific finding # 4: Women hitchhikers are more likely to catch a ride if they have big breasts.
According to a recent French study, “Bust size and hitchhiking: a field study,” male drivers are nearly 10 percent more likely to pick up a woman with a C cup versus an A cup.
Footy club finding:
Dazza: “Mate, stop, stop. Pull over!”
Wazza: “I can’t mate, I’ve already got the kelpie in the back of the ute. What if she fell out?”
Dazza: “Spot on. Findin’ a good working dog’s not easy.”
Scientific finding # 5: Wearing make-up increases male advances at a bar.
Wearing cosmetics induces men to approach women more rapidly and more often found a researcher at the French Universite de Bretagne-Sud in 2008.
“Results showed that the makeup condition was associated with a higher number of male solicitations and a shorter latency between the arrival of confederates in the bar and the first courtship solicitation of a male,” the study concluded.
Footy club finding: “Geez, that chick at the bar’s got a head like a dropped pie. Better have another schooner or three and get the beer goggles on.”
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