I caught up with a girlfriend recently. Because we are both quite time poor, we tend to coincide our meetings with a maintenance activity.
The maintenance activity in question was a pedicure. After the manicurist downgraded my feet by a full size (it had been a while between snips), we perched ourselves up at the drying bar. Gazing out the window, we were talking over the top of each other when we saw something that stopped us both mid-sentence.
A man walked past wearing the most unusual toupee I had ever seen.
It was like a perfect, long haired circle of fur had been glued to his head. The size of a dinner plate, it was perched proudly on his noggin.
Toupees, which I understand is French for “top” but I suspect is really French for “nasty”, were once worn by Julius Caesar who battled male pattern baldness prematurely. He eventually gave up and shaved his head, coining what I believe to be the first reference of the Give Up Haircut for men. That being totally follicle free!
The witnessing of the ridiculous toupee prompted a discussion between my friend, regarding personal grooming in males.
The thing is, as women, we have a myriad of tools at our disposal to help us with our aesthetic flaws. Got uneven skin tone? There are dozens of options to assist you. Hair where it should not be?
You can shave, wax, bleach, use electrolysis, depilate, thread or pluck without anyone raising what is left of their eyebrows.
But men, as a general rule, are expected to suck it up and get on with it, growing hair everywhere and getting about with dry skin.
Or do they?
Manscaping. Mrs Woog was delighted when Mr Woog took up moisturising.
Beauty salons for men are popping up all over the place, with a menu of specialty treatments designed to buff, wax, scrub and pamper your cares and epidermis away.
Men are now expected to take a little more care in their personal grooming beyond a squirt of deodorant and a clean pair of undies every day.
I fully embrace and encourage such activities and was delighted and surprised do discover that my own Mr Woog had taken to using moisturizer daily.
His product of choice? Clinique’s Moisture Surge, which is actually for ladies, but I dare not point this out to him. I don’t want to frighten him.
These salons are not new. In fact, Sydney’s Face of Man has been waxing bottoms since 1978, an era when hair was indeed expected to grow, well… everywhere!
“We provide an environment where clients are men, not fathers, sons, husbands, bosses or employees – your only responsibility is to let go and enjoy your time with us.”
Sounds ideal. But how hard is it to relax and enjoy an entire body wax (including Brazilian) for the price of $265?
No, no, no fellas! If you are going to commence on the slippery slope that is body upkeep and maintenance, start with something a lot less stressful.
May I suggest a Brow Tint followed by 40-minute session of Colon Hydrotherapy, where your dignity is always maintained? Once your “lower intestinal passage” (read butt) has been flushed of toxins, treat yourself to a session of Hand Maintenance, called so because you should not call it a manicure, because that is for girls and you are a fella. So it needs a manly name.
The male grooming and beauty industry is worth a staggering $33 billion dollars a year. That is a whole lot of back, sack and crack waxing going on. This pleases me, as I like to see a man take care of himself. But there is one thing that I do discourage.
And that is the wearing of ridiculous hairpieces. Stop it. Now.
Does your partner have room to groom?
Maybe he grooms more than you do?
MORE STORIES BY MRS WOOG
*About Mrs Woog: “I can be found in the laundry, folding laundry, sorting laundry and dropping off the dry cleaning. I am mum to two boys, boss of my husband and master of a cat and two guinea pigs. Come nightfall, I watch TV while tweeting which drives Mr Woog insane. I like to read cookbooks and eat out. During my waking hours I ferry kids around in the Mazda while drinking takeaway coffees and listening to talkback. I think about going to the gym every day. I used to work in the publishing industry before I realised it was nothing like Elaine Benes from Seinfeld made out like it was. Now I write this blog. And I never get writer’s block. It is a gift I have.” You can follow me on Twitter @Woogsworld.