TO PARLIAMENT: NOTICE OF EVICTION
NOTICE OF EVICTION
To: The Upper and Lower Houses of the Parliament of Australia
This is a notice of eviction.
Please note, this notice includes all tenants and not just the incumbent government.
This includes you, Bob Katter.
We are terminating your tenancy and want you to evict the following property:
Our reason for evicting you is:
You have failed to maintain the property to a sufficient standard. We have had reports of Christian fundamentalists and homophobes infesting the northern part of the property, logging and pulp mill companies damaging the southern aspect, and mining magnates nibbling at the foundations.
In addition, your co-tenants are claiming that you still owe them compensation for more than 200 years of rent-free occupancy. While they were appreciative of you saying sorry, no-one has failed to notice that since then you have sat on the couch, watching the footy in your underpants and yodelling ‘la-la-la-la-la, I can’t hear you!’ whenever anyone suggests you actually do something.
On a lesser note, we are sick of the Liberal tenants ringing us in the middle of the night, screaming ‘boat people!’ and then hanging up again. Prank calls are not acceptable.
Likewise, if a small brown child wanders onto the property asking for food and a bed, we are not at all comfortable with the ALP locking them up in the sandpit in the backyard. The last time we asked the ALP to let the children inside, we discovered members of the party wandering up and down the street knocking on the neighbours’ doors, asking them to take the children instead. We received a number of complaints from Malaysia, Indonesia and confusingly, SeaWorld. SeaWorld has informed us that small brown children are not a replacement for krill and have asked us to tell the Minister for Immigration it is illegal to feed children to marine animals.
There was a very clear ‘no pets’ rule in the tenancy agreement and yet you have allowed Bob Katter to stay on the property. Not only does he annoy the neighbours with his nonsensical ranting, incessant singing and calls of ‘Who’s a pretty boy then?’ but every time he sees two men in close proximity to each other, he screams ‘Homosexual!’ falls off his perch and starts banging his head against a little mirror with a bell on it.
We are also sick of Tony Abbott calling to complain that Julia Gillard is damaging the property while refusing to give any indication of how he will repair it himself. To this point, we have received no response from him except, ‘Maaate, have I got ideas! Trust me, maaate, I’ve got awesome ideas!’ We now suspect Mr Abbott is either a pyramid seller or a junkie.
As if this isn’t bad enough, Wayne Swan calls immediately after Tony to accuse him of owning a something called a ‘mud bucket’. If Mr Abbott is keeping a bucket of mud on the property, we are very much hoping he hasn’t spilled it on the Berber. We suggest that Mr Swan could simply take the bucket of mud away from Mr Abbott instead of whinging about it. It is not our responsibility to sort out disputes amongst tenants.
Whatever the case, this is not all Peter Slipper’s fault. We don’t care who invited him in first – Labor or Liberal – he isn’t responsible for the mess. Please address the issues listed above, instead of whispering “Sssssslipper” in our ears. If nothing else, it’s creepy.
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