SO MUCH TO DO YOUR LOLLY OVER…

Corinne Grant

There’s so much to be angry about!

The Government is still furious they were ever in opposition and spend most of their time talking about what went before than what’s happening now. Scott Morrison is sulking because the Australian people expect him to tell them what he’s doing. And Greg Hunt is throwing a tantrum because the ALP won’t become a wing of the LNP and enthusiastically vote to axe the carbon tax.

You’d think that would be enough to send any self-respecting drama queen into never-ending apoplexy, and yet, there’s so much more for us to do our lolly over.

Here’s this month’s list of other things to rant about.

Election Promises are Gonski

Hey, so remember when we all went nutso over Julia Gillard’s carbon tax lie, even though it wasn’t an election issue? (Go back and check if you like: it wasn’t something in the lead up to the election that became a core decider in who to vote for, it was only after she became elected that we re-invented history and decided it was.)

christopher-pyneThis time around, education actually was an election issue. The Gonski report became a shared vision between both parties and hey presto, we could breath a sigh of relief and vote for either the ALP or LNP. Party poppers all ’round!

Yeah. No. The party poppers have turned into party poopers. According to Christopher Pyne, Gonski is ‘incomprehensible’, so it’s going. That’s it. Irrespective of the fact that at least NSW considers they have a legally binding agreement and irrespective of the fact that people voted for the LNP on the assurance Gonski would stay, Pyne is getting rid of it because he doesn’t understand it.

Maybe if Gonski had been around when he was at school, he’d be able to read legislation like a proper grown up politician now.

Rage Level: It depends who you’re angry at. Do you want to be angry at Pyne? Probably not worth it. This is a bloke who has basically said he needs someone with sock puppets to explain the legislation to him. It’s not his fault he’s dumber than a hat full of hammers. Maybe the real anger should lie at the feet of a party who is so willing, so soon after the election, to completely renege on a core promise. Then again, given Abbott’s penchant for doing nothing except re-animating Howard’s policies, it’s likely he’ll tell us Gonski was a non-core promise after all. Can’t wait for the front page of the Telegraph to call Abbott a liar and demand he be voted out. I’m guessing that will happen around the time our non-existent Science Minister gives the CSIRO money to invent flying pigs.

Quentin Bryce is ruining Australia

Quentin-BryceHow appalling that the Queen’s representative said she supported the idea of marriage equality. How dare she? I mean yes, sure, the Queen herself has already said that she supports it, and the Governor General is the Queen’s representative in Australia, but what was she doing saying the same thing? Wait…hang on…what’s the problem?

Yeah, I don’t know either.

Most of the Governor General’s speech was about gender inequality, and the need to do more for indigenous communities and the elderly. That’s not nearly as titillating as reporting the Governor General said something about same sex attraction though, is it?

Rage Level: Very, very high. I suggest we all contact Senator Cory ‘gay people want to marry dogs’ Bernardi and warn him the Governor General is, in all likelihood, about to throw her support behind legalised dog rooting.

Indonesia’s First Lady is a defenceless damsel in distress and we picked on her!

Kristiani-Herawati-Apparently, everyone has agreed that tapping the phone of Indonesia’s First Lady was out of line. Hey, she’s just a little wifey-wife, what are we doing? She was probably just ringing SBY to see what time he was coming home for dinner or to tell him she’d bought a new hat or something. How awful that we listened in on this poor, defenceless woman’s love murmurings to her very favourite little pookie-wookie?

Ahem. Kristiani Herawati is known in Indonesia as one of SBY’s most trusted confidants. She is well known to be heavily influential when it comes to policy decisions. In Australia however, we heard the word ‘wife’ and instantly assumed that meant sitting around at home all day doing embroidery and cooking cakes.

Rage level: less anger and more embarrassment. At least all we’ve done is completely dismiss this woman’s power and influence. It could have been worse. We could have spent three years calling her a ‘bitch’ and a ‘witch’ and complaining about her hair colour and earlobe size.

There should be complete freedom of the press! Except for the newspapers we don’t like.

newspaperSo the latest conspiracy theory is that the Guardian is a ‘left-wing’ paper and they deliberately delayed informing the Australian press about the tapping of Indonesian phones until after the election. You heard it here first: the editors of the UK Guardian weren’t double-checking and verifying the leaked documents from US whistleblower Edward Snowden, they were plotting to bring down a government in another country that hadn’t yet been elected.

Last year, the Labor party tried to introduce reforms to ensure the press were held accountable for what they wrote. The right-wing press went beserk at the idea of anyone telling them they should print factual information instead of making stuff up.

Now those same right-wing extremists are yodelling that the Guardian should have released the information earlier and the ABC should have printed it earlier, irrespective of the need to check the veracity of the information.

Fact-checking is a left wing plot, man. And I’m sure it’s just a coincidence that the right wing conspiracy theorists wanted the information released when the ALP was still in government.

Rage Level: Low. When the extreme right demand ‘press freedom’ what they really mean is ‘we want the freedom to make shit up if it will serve our political ends’. The hypocrisy is enough to make you want to never buy a newspaper again. Oh that’s right, we’re not!

Fix the economy by belting the poor

fresh-foodThe Grattan Institute is the latest to come out with a quick fix for the economy. And surprise, surprise, it’s yet another one that belts the poor and protects the rich.

The Grattan Institute’s New World Order would see us all paying GST on fresh food and education, capital gains tax would be added to the family home and we’d all have to work until we were seventy.

So, to get this clear: at a time when obesity is on the rise, the Grattan Institute suggests we make fresh food more expensive. At a time when there is concern that people don’t have adequate superannuation to be able to live independently when they retire, they’re talking about slugging the family home with capital gains tax. And at a time when age discrimination is rife and older people either can’t get a job or are being made redundant, they’re suggesting everyone works until they’re seventy.

But hey, the Paid Parental Leave scheme that sees women on $150k a year receive $75k for having a baby will stay. Guess that will cover the price of all those fresh fruit and vegies six week old babies eat.

Apparently these are all ‘tough choices’ to get our economy in the black. It’s funny how ‘tough choices’ never seem to include taxing the rich, do they?

Rage Level: Fairly low. Australians are super keen to vote against their own interests. Before the last election, people were morosely accepting they would have to tighten their belts because, well, that’s what would be needed to get the economy back into surplus. The idea that a surplus may not be necessary, or that it doesn’t have to be achieved overnight, or that large corporations and rich people could pay their share as well never occurs to us. We simply lie down and let the conservatives kick the crap out of us while their rich mates reap in the profits. It’d be a bit daft to get angry now when this is what you voted for, wouldn’t it?

 

 

MORE ARTICLES BY CORINNE GRANT

Really? Stop With the Faux Outrage

You Got Dumped? Tell us About It.

Cyclists Scare the Crap Out of Me

Wedding, Parties, Anything

Expenses, Expenses, Expenses

Do I Laugh or Cry?

Mirabella is Not a Virtuous Victim

 

 src=*Corinne Grant is a stand-up comedian, MC, presenter, writer and broadcaster and has performed both nationally and internationally. In addition to her years on Rove Live and The Glasshouse, she has appeared on everything from Spicks and Specks to Dancing With The Stars to Good News Week. She has co-hosted successful national radio shows, performed countless solo live shows and appeared everywhere from the Sydney Opera House to the Kalgoorlie Arts Centre. Corinne’s first book, Lessons In Letting Go: Confessions of a Hoarder (Allen and Unwin) was released in September 2010 and went into reprint just months after its release. You can follow her on Twitter @corinne_grant.

 

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