MOTHER GUILT? NADA. ZIP. ZILCH
My recent decision to leave my family to their own devices for a fortnight and travel overseas raised more concerns from others, than myself.
“How can you do that?” one acquaintance asked… “Won’t you worry?”
So of course I started to worry about why I wasn’t worried.
This was not a foreign thing for me to do. I have travelled regularly by myself on many occasions. The difference being, in the past I would stress out and rush around, preparing schedules and meals, making sure that all the washing was done and everyone had enough socks and undies to survive my absence. But the thing was, I was not sure if anyone in my family even noticed the effort that I went to. And I was not sure whether it even mattered.
So this time, I just packed my bag, kissed some faces goodbye and jumped in the cab.
I did this knowing full well that there was only one tin of cat food left, and no toilet paper.
In that taxi ride to the airport, I quickly worked out why I was not concerned about my family’s welfare. It was because they would survive without me. I knew it and they were about to find out.
The texts started coming to me while I sipped on a flute of pre-flight champagne.
“Where is Harry’s mouth guard for Rugby?”
“What day is the kids news day? What do they have to do for news?”
I flicked off my phone. It felt great. I had said my goodbyes and I was looking forward, not backwards. I knew that they would be OK and could figure it all out for themselves. This, coming from years and years of me literally and figuratively spoon-feeding my family so much that there was now a sense of expectation “Your mother will fix it…” “Have you seen my tennis racquet?” And the ever annoying “Can you grab me some toilet paper….”
Boys, welcome to the world of sorting out the toilet paper situation before you take a seat.
While I was travelling, I took great joy in the small things. Like eating when I was hungry, and not hearing those dreaded words… “What’s for Dinner?” Quite often I would wake up, go to get up and realise I didn’t have to. I would reach for my book and settle back under the covers for a while, perhaps dozing back off, if I so desired. I took a break from my work commitments and did not feel guilty. I was uncontactable by phone. UNCONTACTABLE! No contact. None.
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58 Responses to this article
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Suzanne August 14, 2012
I agree Mrs Woog, I want to do that so badly, for my time out but also for the fact that they need to see what I actually do around the house and for others. It would be nice to not have to bother for a while. I am glad that you were out of contact and hope you had a great time. One day when we have more money.
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Sara August 14, 2012
You are so on it Mrs Woog, in my opinion anyway! I totally agree that it’s immensely therapeutic and valuable for everyone in the family if i go away for a little while
The longest I have ever been away is 3 days and nights. I would love to go on a 10 day meditation retreat in january; but I must admit to feeling anxious about how my 4 year old daughter would cope. My son and husband would have no worries -
bigwords August 14, 2012
LOVE IT Mrs Woog. Love you x
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Sarah August 14, 2012
But he did all that juggling while also having a job, right? SAHMs don’t have that extra pressure for 50 hrs a week.
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MadamBipolar August 14, 2012
Sarah – Mrs Woog probably works that on her blog. Her blog is a serious undertaking. Umm think before thou comment?
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Lisa August 14, 2012
Why do people ALWAYS have to jump on anyone who happens to have a difference of opinion with the writer?
I am seeing this more and more, you read a blog. Someone gives their opinion on the post and all the loyal little followers jump on the one person who dares stray from the never ending line of sycophants making comments telling the writer they are the greatest and everything they say is gospel. mademe bipolar, why did you need to reply to Sarah’s perfectly acceptable OPINION with such rudeness. This hero worship of some blog owners is starting to spoil what used to be some interesting blogs. There is NOTHING interesting with a blog full of comments telling the writer how great they are and commentators forming a pack to tear down anyone who dares offer an different perspective.-
MadamBipolar August 14, 2012
Sorry I did take it a bit personally for reasons you would not be aware. My apologies to you and the previous commenter.
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Mrs Woog August 14, 2012
Sorry Sarah, I should have clarified that he took time off work to be a SAHD and when he did have to go into work, his mother came to stay. He would LOVE your comment though xx
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Maxabella August 14, 2012
Mums who work do it every single week. Every. single. week. x
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Caroh August 14, 2012
My husband leaves today for a five day work conference. I’m racking my brain to create a believable five day mum break so I can escape on my own, preferably a health retreat in the sunshine. The thing is, a lot more people would be involved for me to go than for him, as I’m home with the kids. I wouldn’t feel guilty leaving the kids, but I would feel bad asking my mum to help out.
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Mrs Woog August 14, 2012
I bet your Mum would love to xx
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Kerri Sackville August 14, 2012
Sorry what? Can’t focus. Still reminiscing about my holiday to Malaysia….
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Charmaine August 14, 2012
Good on you Mrs Woog. It’s a great idea to just walk and leave them to figure it out. Have done it numerous times and returned to a house that has not burnt down.
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Alison August 14, 2012
I think Sorbent should help on the toilet paper running out front- they should print ‘DO NOT USE THESE LAST TEN SHEETS OF PAPER UNLESS YOU ARE READY TO REPLACE THE ROLL AND DISPOSE OF THE OLD ONE IN THE APPROPRIATE MANNER’
Except, I guess, nobody would read it, like the don’t read the countless rosters I have written, the ‘pick up your towels!’ signs and the ‘don’t forget to feed the dogs’ notes…
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Lou August 15, 2012
love ur words !!!!!
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Michaela C August 14, 2012
Go you good thing! Awesome. You are so right. Am sending the link to this post to my partner.
Mrs Woog told me I had to leave you to your own devices for at least, oh, a month?!! Right??!!!
Xxxx
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Susan August 14, 2012
I left my husband with our then two and three year old daughters for a week of Florida sunshine and playing in amusement parks several years ago. By day three he told me that it was f**king relentless juggling everything. Every husband should know what full time parenting is like, just so they never, ever question what you do with your day again.
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Seana Smith August 14, 2012
A good mum, looking after yourself! It felt different when the kids were little but now they are at school, all different. Guess what? I came back from some time alone feeling a little frisky as one does… and got a massive knockback from the International Man of Mystery who said he just didn’t feel up to it after all the domestic duties were done and could I just leave him in peace??!! And guess what again? I totally understood where he was coming from. Clearly we need to escape together….
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MadamBipolar August 14, 2012
My husband is very good, better than I, in fact. He should be the one who stays at home, while I work. But anyway I will be having a parenting break when I go to ProBlogger in Melbourne. Three whole days of craziness with the girls.
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Ms Midge August 14, 2012
Apparently my 40th (in 2.5 years) cannot come quick enough for some of our friends…we have planned to go to Bali sans children for a week. But there are also friends who doubt they can leave their kids for a week……completely foreign worry to me. Does that make me a bad Mum? Nope – just a Mum that’s had 14 years of being with children make me want to get on a plane at any given chance and not look back!
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Something Gorgeous August 14, 2012
Well done, as mothers we spend most of our lives feeling guilty and also feeling that we are the only ones who can do things. My husband goes away a lot, he just packs a bag and walks out the door. I’m going to learn from him and from you and just go and leave everyone to it. Maybe then I’ll be appreciated a little more?
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corrie August 14, 2012
good for you! I leave lists etc because as you know I’ll get a call on the plane asking how to give a babya banana:) but my plans to go to blogher next year involve his mother and a full time nanny and he’s still nervous about it! Um if one person (me) can do it around the clock then surely 2 people helping him can do it! and I’m with the above comment, he goes away every single week for work and leaves me – time for me to get on a plane for once!
good work!
Corrie:) -
Nat August 14, 2012
Just had 4 days and 3 nights away from my boys loved it!!! Wouldn’t have done it any earlier as my son is 3 now.
One thing I don’t understand is why grandma is always invited over by other people? Are men that useless? I even got asked while away who was cooking for my boys – my answer was I assume his dad was responsible for feeding them and would do so. One thin I will say is that my hubby has always admired my work as a stay at home mum when I was one and said he couldn’t do it. -
Claire August 14, 2012
I recently took a four day trip to Melbourne on my ownsome and came back a new person. ‘Eating when you’re hungry’ was probably one of the highlights. And I think the husbandido enjoyed running the ship by his own rules.
Highly recommended.
(I felt like I’d had a holiday reading your blog while you were in NYC! Thanks!!)
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Marissa @ Beautifully Organised August 14, 2012
Oh yeah. That’s what I’m talking about
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Kristy @ Diary of a SupermumWagga August 14, 2012
Good on you Mrs Woog! I reckon it’s on of life’s turning points when you’re able to walk out the door on your own and leave them all to it, if only to make them see how bloody hard it is to do it as well as you do!
Gold star for turning off your phone, too.
BTW, Mr Woog’s reply made me smile from ear to ear too, happy to be in the bitchy camp with you
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Black and white August 14, 2012
My wife recently went overseas with her work for 19 days . An amazing once off opportunity. We’ve got 2 kids under 5, and it was pretty daunting. She did a great job of organising after kindy pickups with friends etc, and I took 4 or 5 days leave as well to fill in the kindy gaps. I found it demanding, but really self rewarding. ” I can do this job …and the kids are just fine” ..after being lead to believe by all and sundry ( both sexes) that it was a really big ask, and ‘ are you up to it” . Sure I was apprehensive, shitting myself actually, but the kids and I had a great time and in some ways (e.g just the one maestro conducting the orchestrea) it was easier. Work sufferred slightly , but it was only 3 weeks out of the 52 weeks of sweat they get . Women, you need to let go, and blokes ( dads) you need to stand up . Its better for everyone in the end.
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Mrs Woog August 14, 2012
YOU ARE AWESOME! xx
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Tess August 18, 2012
How easy would it have been if your wife hadn’t organized kindy pick ups, etc?
If I ever plan on going away, like most mum’s, everything has to be organized beforehand (made harder because hubby doesn’t drive – have to organize people for every single activity!)
Next time she goes away, try organizing everything on your own – she’ll love you even more for it!
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The Huntress August 14, 2012
How wonderful, Mrs. Woog! A holiday is that – A HOLIDAY, you don’t get bombarded with home life when you’re on holiday. Frankly, I wouldn’t have worried either – quite often people just don’t realise how capable they really are. They do survive and often they form a great appreciation for what it is you actually do day-to-day.
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Glowless August 14, 2012
I go away without my boy, have done a few times. I don’t feel guilty and I’m normally so busy on my little jaunts that I don’t get the chance to miss my family until I’m on the flight home.
I think everyone wins. The partner learns they ARE capable and recognizes all you do every day. And you get a break. WIN WIN!
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Pixiekel August 14, 2012
In 18 sleeps, I’m going on a 3 week holiday sans kids, sans husband…and I CAN. NOT. WAIT. I have moments of sheer terror at leaving them, moments of guilt, moments of what the fuck am I doing?!?!? And then, I remember that I’ve worked bloody hard to get to where I am, and I’m going to go and have this self indulgent trip of a lifetime, my lifelong dream trip. I’m fairly confident I’m going to come back in a far better place to deal with day to day shit too.
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Reannon August 14, 2012
Ive never been away for more than a night or two but as the years have gone on I’ve realized my husband is totally capable of doing the things I do. He may not do them my way ( the right way) but stuff gets done, kids get fed, house gets cleaned. Sometimes you just gotta let go.
I’m glad you had a great trip Mrs Woog xx -
Biddy plus 2 August 14, 2012
Oh I hear you girlfriend!!! Why is it that when a mother goes out or away the FATHER is surrounded by extra help from society ie paid babysitter or his in laws?! Never before have I soooooo looked forward to my annual girls weekend away (actually we say w’end when in fact it is Friday morning through to Monday lunchtime)! Am bubbling with excitement and anticipation of the first sip of my gin and tonic consumed at a leisurely pace ( as opposed to slugging it back in between negotiating dinner and bath with stubborn 3yr old and screaming 9month old!
Have deliberately not “precooked toddler and adult food”, ( but have for baby as he is quite defenceless)…so that father can work out himself the whole dinner time nightmare when kids have low blood sugar levels, are even lower on sleep and patience levels and have the attention span the size of Dora’s ring finger! Three more sleeps till departure and the ability to read a
Magazine in one sitting, a blog from start to finish and complete a whole conversation without interruption (other than from fellow mother confirming my choice of beverage to accompany the food I had not bought, defrosted, cooked or will clean up! BRING IT ON -
Sam-O August 14, 2012
The last time I went away, I left them on their own completely except for asking the Little Man’s school teacher to check his lunch box each morning and email me if I needed to put in a lunch order (online ordering – cashless canteen). I did. One day he sent some dry vita weets and a mandarine…
I can only imagine the other shenanigans that went on. Nobody died or was hurt and they were all glad to see me so that’s pretty much all I need!
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Ann-Maree August 14, 2012
I remember receiving a phone call on a Monday morning, after leaving home the prior Wednesday, to be asked did I know where XXX’s school shoes were.
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Max's Mum August 14, 2012
My husband is taking our two girls OS to visit his parents for 3 weeks in October, sadly I can not join them as I was unable to take the time off work. I will miss them…….. but OMG I am so excited….. 3 weeks of me time……….
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Sarah-Jane August 14, 2012
Last month I went to England for 10 days by myself for a wedding. Every time I found myself lying in bed reading past 7am, having a uninterrupted chat with an old friend or browsing and lingering in shops, I inwardly hugged myself.
So why do people feel the need to say,”You must have missed the kids terribly” and try to burst my bliss bubble? It’s just mean! I have refrained from feeling the need to agree and continuing the circle of guilt.
Flippin loved my time away and flippin loved coming home – doesn’t get better than that.
Hubby only had one bad day when he took kids to the park, the kids went nuts and he ran into my ex with a feral under each arm. I tried not to smirk but that damn Skype can be a pain sometimes… -
Lisa Jane Humphries August 14, 2012
Brilliant! for many reasons…the world will not stop rotating if one parent is not around for whatever reason. As a single Mum I often spend multiple nights on my own without my beautiful little boy and at first I was plagued with guilt and fear, now I relish the chance for self care and time as an adult, time as the person I was and still am outside of being a Mother. There is nothing wrong with remembering who that person is and celebrating that role as well as the role of parent. Guilt will not put toilet paper on the roll…as you say and as you witnessed, they will work it out for themselves and appreciate you even more for having done that!! bring on the champagne and sleep ins and a balance of being independent, living life to the full as well as parenting!!! There is no reason why you have to give up on life or sacrifice who you were and want to be just because you are a parent!! It is a choice we all make xx
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Kris August 14, 2012
I LOVE getting away without hubby & the kids. What bliss!!! What joy!!! Even just a long weekend with my girlfriends in the mountains is enough for me – just a few days of peace & quiet, doing what I want, when I want.
Hmmm, must be about time for another one….
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Foxy3 August 14, 2012
Love your work Mrs Woog! i have left my husband for girls week-ends etc he copes famously – the 3 kids (4,7,9) are happy to see me back but to be honest its party central when I’m away the only thing that doesn’t get done is my little girl’s hair! my sister would never leave her kids and they are so attached as is her husband – sad he doesn’t get the opportunity to appreciate her and enjoy the kids by himself!!
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The Dad August 14, 2012
My wife recently went on a seven day trip with a group of girl-friends. I took a week off work to look after our two children. We both had a holiday, except I enjoyed mine more. House was immaculate, got the garden tidied up, plenty of great time with the kids and and even got in two rounds of golf. I’d swap a 50-hour work-week anytime.
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Alice Shaw August 14, 2012
I think going away without the pre-cooked food and everything done before you go must be very liberating. And why can’t a bloke work and take care of the kids? I work full time, and until recently studied part time as well (finally finished – yay!) and I raise my two children on my own. The closest family member lives a 7 hour drive away and I have no support at all in terms of getting help when kids are sick or I am sick or whatever – it’s all me. (I do have my wonderful, wonderful friends on line for moral support though I should add).
I applaud you Mrs W (I often do) for having some time away – sounds like your fellas survived and I spent a good deal of those two weeks enviously following your tweets. Well done you
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Debyl1 August 14, 2012
Love this article Mrs Woog.Every mum should get at least a week away so their hubby and kids get to see what they do every day,week in week out.For some reason they are blind to it ALL when mum is around ! xx
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Leisa Flanigan August 14, 2012
Love it!
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Linda Jenkins August 14, 2012
i loved this post. My husband and I are going to Noosa in November for the triathalon – he is competing and I will be in holiday mode. Eating, shopping and day spa treatments.
We are leaving our kids behind and I will not be feeling a bit guilty. We have worked really hard this year and deserve it.
so far this year the oldest went to Bali, canberra and cairns.
Middle went to America and a school trip skiing. Youngest has been on school camp and camping with his dad. i will be packing my bag and leaving some cash on the kitchen bench:) They are 20,17 and 13 and the dog can be in charge!! I loved all the posts from New York and it has jumped a few rungs on my travel wishlist. -
Benison O'Reilly August 14, 2012
Have had three OS holidays away from my family in the last three years: Hong Kong, Bali & Italy. Didn’t feel guilty either. They survived!
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MummyRansom August 14, 2012
We just had the same thing happen to us recently when we went on holiday. Mind you, at the time our son had just learnt to walk, we were going on a cruise ship…and it was our honeymoon!! Kill-joy much? Bless him. I love my son to death but sometimes we need a little R&R!
x
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Maxabella August 14, 2012
When I go away it’s not the kids I worry about, it’s the husband. Coping with them on your own is extremely demanding and I honestly wouldn’t wish it on anyone! I know I don’t have to do it very often. x
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Jonica August 14, 2012
Love your work Mrs Woog. Perhaps your best post yet! I have so many friends who plan EVERYTHING before they take a trip away and wonder why they’re taken for granted.
No one else gets a chance to get into the action.
Go away, enjoy. There’s always pizza -
foolio August 14, 2012
I called it “long-service leave” (3 weeks in New York for my 50th) and it was the best thing I ever did. My kids (12 and 14) were much more independent and grown up when I came back … My husband was quick to point out that some of my frozen meals were still there (I chose not to mention the regular ‘takeaway’ transactions on the credit card I spotted when the bill arrived later that month…). I enjoyed spying on his Facebook as he asked friends how to make homemade muesli, as I do (aah, he missed me…) and they told him to go to the supermarket like everyone else…
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Lou August 15, 2012
Mothers guilt is something that always lingers in our heads..it’s the norm…and others take great pleasure in making it worse.. Mrs Woogs do not feel “any guilt ” for ur wonderful time away..This makes you and your family closer/wiser(lol) people..and let’s tell the truth A HAPPY MOTHER..WIFE IS A HAPPY HAPPY HOME…LIFE….
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Lucy August 15, 2012
So did he get to spend all day on social media as well?
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Mrs Woog August 23, 2012
Is that a little snarky undertone there Lucy? To be honest, I am not sure what he spent his days doing, because I was too busy buying shoes on Park Avenue. xx
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Lisa Lintern August 18, 2012
Brilliant post Mrs Woog. Oh, and those who are tempted to suggest that when Mrs Woog is home she likes to spend all day on ‘social media’, please read this:
http://lisalinternblog.blogspot.com.au/2012/06/mummy-blogging-truth.html
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sue bell August 18, 2012
My best holiday ever was when my husband and another male friend took all the children (two of mine 4 of the friends) away camping. I stayed at home and painted. I could go to bed at 4 am, get up when I wanted, eat chocolate for breakfast and paint all day and night. I did not have to stop and pack all the paints away, nor did I have to prepare food, find a thousand things for people, do the washing,cleaning etc. They came home a day early and I cried at the loss of one day of freedom
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Ruth August 23, 2012
My 40th birthday a few years ago was spent in Europe. By myself. For a month. I hired a car and drove around until I got tired of it, and then I came home.
It was my first ever overseas trip. I had my first child when I was 22, and then did the mum/career double act for the next 18 years. After a divorce and remarriage I decided I needed to do this for me.
It was memorable. And wonderful. And I’ll probably never do it again, but I am so very glad I did.
