MONOGAMY DOESN’T WORK. DISCUSS.
It was the tip of the nose that did it, and not just for me.
The wife of Democratic New York Governor Eliot Spitzer stood by his side on March 12, 2008, as he attempted to salvage his reputation by resigning from office.
Looking rent to the core of her frail and well-kempt being, she stood quietly as her sexual allure was effectively trashed by her own husband before millions of viewers.
Pale, but keeping it together with what must have taken an iron will, it was just the tip of her nose that give away how utterly humiliated, dejected and betrayed she felt.
So poignant was the picture, it inspired the television law drama series The Good Wife (left) which replayed that interview with a cathartic reprise.
She smacks him one out of sight of the cameras and didn’t it feel good.
Men like Spitzer make us collectively angry.
He not only abused public funds – some $80,000 – to pay exhorbitant escort fees, and he caused distress to the very people he is charged with protecting from the slings and arrows, etc.
I saw the carcass of the Spitzer marriage being flung atop a mass of corpses too high to see over.
I needed to step back to get perspective, and once I did I saw a heap that, like most heaps, looked like a monumental waste.
While it’s no surprise the call-girl has done very nicely for herself with a column in the New York Post after a music single release and a shoot for Playboy, Spitzer’s wife, Silda Wall released a book Rough Justice: The Rise and Fall of Eliot Spitzer.
In it she said: “The wife is supposed to take care of the sex. This is my failing; I wasn’t adequate.”
Bettina Arndt would agree.
It is men who suffer a “sex-starved” subsistence in heterosexual monogamous marriage.
Women deprive men, women dismiss men, women shame men about their natural urges. Women are, all over again, Female Eunuchs and God’s Police.
Whatever sexuality we managed to reclaim during the sexual revolution, we are now content to consign to history and, worse, impose our desultory lack-lustre bed-death on the men we love.
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10 Responses to this article
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lisa January 9, 2012
I’m not sure monogamy is outdated. For many men and women it’s an aspect of their relationship as important as the sex itself.
But monogamy for life most likely is. That’s why obscure conservative German politician Gabriele Pauli proposed that marriages automatically expire after 7 years, unless the parties explicitly renew.
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julie January 9, 2012
Monogamy is not outdated, but it does often have a timelimit. In a discussion with a largish group of friends recently we were celebrating their respective, (up to) 40 years of extremely satisfied monogamy, and talking about outrageously expensive weddings we are all attending at the moment where the marriage doesn’t last as long as the leftover food from the reception. In my experience men are looking for variety. They don’t want to wreck their marriages and families but they do have short attention spans!. So maybe the message is- get varietal, people.
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JanieJones January 9, 2012
I have, for some years now grappled with the concept of monogomy and whether it’s realistic. Because it’s something that I have been interested in I have asked a lot of friends (men and women) what they think. I’ve also third degree’d men that I know have cheated on their partners.
Late last year, I attended a talk by Dr Christopher Ryan who wrote the book Sex At Dawn with his wife – the book addresses the evolution of monogomy. http://www.sexatdawn.com/
After seeing Christopher and reading the book I have to say that I now believe that monogomy is completely unrealistic.
I’m not in a relationship at the moment but I think when (if) the next one comes along I will be looking at things through a different window.
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JanieJones January 10, 2012
and I spelled monogamy wrong 3 times! oops!
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lisa January 13, 2012
At least you’re consistent
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lisa January 13, 2012
If you feel monogamy is unrealistic, does that mean you also don’t want it?
Is it merely unrealistic because you think men are incapable of sticking to it or because they actually don’t want it?
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Ms Midge January 13, 2012
Very very interesting reading! I don’t think Monogamy is “outdated” as such, I just think it’s hard work. I was married at 21 first time round, to the wrong person. I had absolutely no interest in having sex with him after about a year, and often thought of others and what could be. It was the one and only time I have cheated on someone. Second time lucky with my wonderful husband, and I can honestly say that ten years later, the sex just keeps getting better. Yes, it’s not as frequent as I would like, and him, but when it does happen – it’s amazing. But just because it’s amazing and I love him to death – does not mean that I don’t think about past lovers, and what it would be like to have sex with someone else. I think it’s perfectly natural to “fantasise” about this, and would be shocked if people said they didn’t! There is NO WAY I would ever act on those thoughts, because I believe inherently in monogamy. It’s hard work. Every relationship is hard work. You just have to want to put the hard work in to it.
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kareen January 18, 2012
I like what Ms. Midge is saying. It gives me hope. I am in a relationship right now and we’ve been going strong for 6 years. Monogamy is hard work. And I think it is healthy to fantasize about past relationships or other people..as long as you do fantasize about your partner too… Monogamy isn’t any harder work than unconditional Love..which is tough work too.
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ellenni February 5, 2012
swans mate for life so why cant we. its the people who cant make a go of things who want to change them. we are still married after 47 years and its still good. we have made memories only we can share. we didnt marry soulmates or expect it all to be rosy – we worked at it like any good job you want to keep. husband is reading this and agrees. he had other girlfriends before me but he is the only lover i have had and it is all i ever wanted. we still think we are lucky to have found each other. a rare view nowadays but its called satisfaction and its like a rare flower which you have to nurture. laugh at me if you like but i know its still great for me.
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Aussie Chick January 21, 2013
ellenni, swans don’t mate monogamously for life.
Coming a bit late to the conversation, but still..
From what I can gather, humans aren’t designed to be sexually monogamous with one partner for life. I think it /can/ be done (with a lot of work & perhaps a dose of good luck), but it’s cruel to have it set as the default expectation of all people and all relationships.
I also don’t think it’s a matter of men and women having different sexual imperatives – are we not all of the same species? From an evolution point of view, what on earth would be the benefit of having such contrasting needs?
I do also wonder whether a different tack might be looking at the interplay of emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy… I wonder if your ‘life partner’ is the one person with whom you have both these things… but may occasionally enjoy intimacy of one or other variety with other people, but not both?
I do know multiple couples that are happily married (and have been for decades) who sexually venture outside their marriages, but what keeps them functional is that they’ve worked out, together, how to fulfil both partners in a way that doesn’t hurt anyone, and doesn’t harm the relationship. And it’s not only men who ‘venture’…
So I guess, even more than monogamy, for a strong, genuine relationship, that honesty and true negotiation (not sacrifice…) is vital for a long term or life relationship…
I don’t have the answers, just questions… but I think we need to look at our questions more!! You can’t get good answer if you don’t have good questions.
