MENTAL AND PROUD OF IT
I’m mental, and I’m proud of it.
We all know that words have power and I’m keen to claim ‘mental’ as a title – a badge of courage and distinction.
In the past it has been a term that has been used in an insulting and highly offensive way to describe someone with a mental illness. But I now use the term boldly, and as a way of beginning a conversation about mental illness and to help drag the discussion out of the shadows and into the harsh sunlight.
It’s World Mental Health Week and despite the leaps that have been made with treatment and understanding, boy we still have a long way to go in removing the stigma that surrounds mental illness.
I get it. I felt incredible shame when I realised I had post natal depression. The irony, for me, was gobsmacking. For many years before I had worked with peak mental health organizations spreading the message that we need to talk about depression.
Having grown up with a mum with bipolar disorder I thought I was armed and educated about mental health. Wrong. Now it was me feeling out of control and ‘mad’. What did I have to be depressed about? I had a glorious husband, my much longed for baby girl, the family I had always dreamt about. I was a failure. I was feeling everything that I used to preach that people with a mental illness should not feel.
If someone we know is going through a tough time because of physical illness, it’s easier for people to ‘rally’ around, make appropriate clucking sounds of sympathy and think about practical ways they can help, like dropping meals around and offering to mind the kids.
In contrast, some people find it too confronting to know what to do if a friend or loved one has depression.
It doesn’t help that sometimes people suffering with a mental illness aren’t very nice to be around when they’re unwell. They can appear rude, agitated, irritable, irrational and downright ungrateful. I know. I’ve been there – with my mum and also having had my own experiences of PND.
However, do you know what we need when we are “mental?”
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52 Responses to this article
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Monica October 11, 2012
Well said. I suffer from depression and possible bipolar II. Only a few of my colleagues know. Most of my friends know about the depression but not the hypo manic phases (which has earned me admiration for my high levels of energy and productivity). Thank you for going public in this way.
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Charlotte Wood October 11, 2012
HI Jessica – well said. So many of the most gifted, perceptive, intelligent and sensitive people I know are prone to dreadful depression, have schizophrenia, or suffer terrible anxiety or other issues. I think it is completely normal, and have certainly had periods of very debilitating, ‘crazy’ anxiety myself over the years. I think all this is a response to being an aware, sensitive, thinking human being. And as you point out, with professional help it’s possible to free oneself from the awful pain of these times.
The more we acknowledge this the better – good for you and thanks for starting this thread. -
Carole Lyden October 11, 2012
Thanks Jessica for speaking out . I have suffered from depression and anxiety in the past as many of us have. This stigma around mental health issues needs to be broken. There are not many people who do not have some mental health issues, we all do. And it’s about time we all admitted it.
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Vanessa @ babblingbandit.me October 11, 2012
Excellent piece. I’m a fully medicated member of the mental and proud group too. I’ve been suffering depression, PTSD, and anxiety to varying degrees over the last five years. Six hospital admissions, 5 years in therapy, and I’m finally starting to see sustained management of my mood.
I’ve been extraordinarily lucky that I have good income protection insurance so I haven’t had to rush back to work. My fear though is that if I do return to work and my insurance is cut off and I have another serious relapse I’m stuffed. It will be hard to find anyone who will insure me now because of my long standing history with mental illness.
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Jacqui Manning - The Friendly Psychologist October 11, 2012
Bravo Jessica!!! On World Mental Health Day I debated about sharing this personal story (below) but decided to because the only way the stigma is going to continue to be broken down is to talk about it, share stories and tips and hopefully those suffering with a mental illness will find some support and comfort from knowing they are not alone and knowing there is help they can get. Well done!
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Jacqui Manning - The Friendly Psychologist October 11, 2012
Whoops, apologies for the multiple posts, my computer going ‘mental’!
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Jacqui Manning - The Friendly Psychologist October 11, 2012
Vanessa, a great point you raise as my husband was recently knocked back from getting income protection insurance due to a mild case of depression he suffered 12 years ago!! I was astounded! There’s a long way to go to break down the stigma but conversations like this are great in getting it out there.
[for all the journos out there it's perhaps a great topic to investigate??] -
Tine October 11, 2012
As a former PND sufferer it’s good to have this problem openly discussed. Having a child is the most demanding job and the one we feel least equipped to handle. My helplessness at the time completely flattened me.
Let’s talk more about how we are less than perfect, but eventually good enough ! What counts is how we find that strength inside. -
Seana Smith October 11, 2012
Hello Jessica and other members of the club I DO want to belong too. Have recently had a very, very stressful few days and all thoughts of weaning myself off meds evaporated.
Am very grateful to be a mum/WAHM, has its own ‘workplace pressures’ but great flexibility.
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anon for this October 11, 2012
I have just come off my meds and am feeling really good.I have had varying episodes of depression coming and going over the past five years. Unfortunately I’ve never had the guts to tell anyone apart from my immediate family about it. There is such a stigma attached to depression whatever the cause. Let’s hope that depression finally “comes out of the closet” and becomes just another illness that needs treatment.
Thanks Jessica for your good work
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Annie Also October 11, 2012
Thank you Jessica for raising this and giving permission for it to be out and proud.
Have been dealing with anxiety for most of my life but finally a few years ago got the counselling I needed…(now the Govt is cutting it back,sigh*). I have learnt a lot about depression/anxiety and MORE about me, who I am and how I have coped.
Having a husband with chronic illnesses this has impacted on me when I was not aware of it. I just ‘got on with it’. Everyone thought I was capable, strong and in control so no one has helped or supported us in practical ways. Our children are all grown and far away and independent and do their best from a distance. However it was not till I got some counselling that I realised I had a form of PTSD. It was the validation by the counsellor that started me on the road to recognition and recovery. I am still recovering but doing so much better. Wish the Govt could read this site and other stories so they could know the importance of medical help but also psychological counselling in helping many of us including carers.
Thanks again Jessica. -
Liz Brooks October 11, 2012
I’m fully mental, fully medicated, fully functional and fully proud! I’m also fully grateful for all the support I’ve had along the way. Thanks, Jessica, for your article – simple, to the point and right on message. I REALLY APPRECIATED THAT!!
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Debbie October 11, 2012
Nearly thirty years since my first script for anti-depressants – boy were they lousy back then. Hooray for SSRI’s! I have chronic depression which I used to manage so that few knew but me – I was miserable. Not now. Going for surgery recently, I realised if I had to take a break from my “happy pills”, I’d question the surgery. I might be OK off them – but that’s what I used to think every time I dropped my dose or took a break, and every time – I’m wrong. I;m not saying everyone has to stay on pills all the time – reactive depression can be relieved and then left behind but looks like my version stays for ever. But Income Protection Insurance – gave up on that years ago except something through super. Hopefully the companies will at least start to offer insurance excluding or limiting stress and depression absences – might not be perfect – but at least would mean cover available for a major accident.
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Peta October 11, 2012
In my case the stigma attached to it was in my mind, everyone that I have shared with has been supportive including my work. I did though worry about telling people cause you just do not know how they are going to react. Medication and counselling have been a god send, especially if it is bulked billed. Thanks Jessica for sharing your story.
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Jess October 11, 2012
I think you and your husband are incredibly brave, well done. I saw Peter on the Today show speaking about you and your depression. I was so moved, it’s something I’ll never forget. His tears brought me to tears.
PND isn’t something I have suffered with but your story helps me to understand how those who have it are suffering, thanks. -
Phil October 11, 2012
Thank you, Jessica, for your honest article and willingness to shine a light. I am lucky in my supportive employer – who has been good enough to shout out globally to the professional world about the importance of mental health and happiness – (http://tinyurl.com/92egu68). You don’t want to think it happens to you – my first bout two years ago crept up insiduously. A tough 2012 enabled that black dog to raise its head again. Like Annie, I am too good at being capable, strong and in control. I wonder how many sufferers are aware that the very coping mechanism of flight n flight that gets us through stressful situations hinders us longer term? Mental and proud? Absolutely!
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Janet Georgouras October 11, 2012
I think we are all mental at times. I have not known one person who has been completely balanced and rational at all times. To varying degrees our idiosyncracies and emotional states can take over sometimes. However, there are times when they can get really debilitating and that is when we need as much careful treatment by our loved ones as possible. This can be hard because recognising and helping a person who is having a mental health problem is difficult. It would be good if more research could be done as to how we can help each other most effectively in this way.
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Pru Pearson October 11, 2012
Mental and proud. Great article, well done Jessica. I want to set up a non for profit foundation in honour of my parents, who supported me unconditionally for 25 years as l slowly recovered from many episodes in hospital. Can you hook me up with any contacts that can help me with this
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Susan October 11, 2012
I’m not proud.
I feel like a fraud for being a young, able-bodied person on a disability pension.
I feel like a drain on society, being a long-term recipient of support payments and rarely working.
I feel like a child and a burden on my family for needing help in everything I do.
I feel selfish and unbelievably cruel for having a daughter, knowing that she has a very high likelihood of developing depression, when I would not wish a lifelong major depressive illness on another living creature.
But maybe one day I won’t be ashamed. Thank you Jessica for what you’re doing. Raising awareness will give us a better future.
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michele October 11, 2012
Shame, I lost my life insurance and income protection when I changed companies (at the suggestion of my bank) and admitted my Bi-polar (though not ever having had time off work or been actively suicidal) The insurance was only for $100,000 to pay out my mortgage so my daughter did not have to deal with my only consequential debt.
The risk for my life insurance was probably safer than many people with adrenaline lifestyles and overseas bungey jumping holidays. -
Joan Woolley October 11, 2012
I have not got pnd but I do suffer panic attacks and Iam on medication for it, I went through not telling anyone I was seeing a psychologist and taking pills but now I have overcome that, it was the result of my dear husband dying too young and having three operations soon after his death and I just hit the wall, I felt so alone even though I have a wonderful family and very dear friends, everything was just too much, I would crawl inside myself, but I little by little got my life back on track it took time but you have to keep at it,
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Susan October 11, 2012
Medicated, Ected, PND, SSRI,CBT, Mindfulness,many visits to hospital……and proud. I was admonished for ONLY working four days a week etc,ect,etc.
As I used to say -to anyone who would listen…I am a person with a disability with a hell of a lot of ability….
Now I have a brain injury after a car accident and I have never felt better. Can’t remember what I was doing two minutes ago…but I have never felt better.. I would not wish either on anyone but now I know what feeling good is all about..oh I just said that. Anyway Hang in there and reach out-there are many who will help and celebrate-we are still here… -
Zelda October 11, 2012
Anyone want to share what they think was their best treatment?
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Pauline October 11, 2012
Fully medicated for longer than I ever thought, and totally mental! When I told my parents I suffered depression (I was in my 30′s), my father told me not to go to the doctor because I wouldn’t get insurance (he is in the industry). Things need to change. Well done Jessica for putting it out there.
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mary October 11, 2012
Go to the Greek islands and do a yoga course
Its the greatest detox for both mind,body and soul
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Annie from Faulco October 11, 2012
It took me 56 years and a wonderful grief counsellor to realise why I always felt like a frightened little child in disagreements with other women.
A nasty letter from my mother, (“You really didn’t deserve such a fine man.”) after the death of my husband, prompted the counsellor to ask about my mother’s behaviours and the messages I received about my self-worth.
I now understand that I am the child of a parent with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. A lifetime of anxiety, and, at times, depression, now makes sense. Being told that one is mentally ill (a “bad” thing) when disagreeing about family history, or life choices is a hallmark of NPD.
Many old friends have commended me for escaping from home, resisting interference in relationships, enduring public humiliation, but I always felt that I was somehow to blame.
Imagine arriving at work, to be told by a frosty receptionist that the boss wants to see you NOW. The boss quotes a message, from your mother, asserting, “She wasn’t a virgin when she got married.”
Boss asks if any family issues are affecting your ability to perform your duties. Probably better ways to start the day.
My husband and I were granted an AVO. When he died, I received a call stating, “He’s not here to protect you anymore, my girl.”
All of these NPD behaviours can be identified by accessing websites about NPD.
There are questionnaires about actions/statements/directives, etc.
One question is missing: Did the person uninvite persons s/he disliked to your wedding, on your behalf, citing your “gutlessness” to do so in person, and directing them to have no further contact with you?
Yes, I’m mental and proud of it.
Had I known that disparate parts of the puzzle, which I now know as NPD, were parts of a puzzle, I’d have sorted this out years ago.
Better late than never.
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Zelda October 11, 2012
Oh Annie from Faulco, I so empathise with you ! I have an NPD mother who lives on still creating chaos and misery at 86years old. What monster they are !
I have chosen women friends just like her and gave up because I was so fed up with those unconscious choices. What a relief to find out about NPD !!! Like you I found a sympathetic counsellor who understood.
We need to talk about this problem more in Aust – it’s more common that we think
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Jacqui Manning - The Friendly Psychologist October 11, 2012
Hi Zelda,
in terms of a treatments I’m a psychologist who sees many people with anxiety and depression and can say emphatically that the best treatment i have come across in my 15 years as a pysch for anxiety is something called ‘tapping’ (meridian tapping/EFT/SET – call it what you will, it’s like doing acupuncture on yourself with your fingertips, no needles!!).I have seen amazing results sometimes seeing clients copmletely overcome panic attacks/panic disorder etc. I’ve used it myself all this time also for any general problem, and although I’ve never suffered from panic attacks, I’ve used it for all the things that make you generally anxious and have found it brilliant.
It is quirky and a bit strange at first, but the reason I like it is it helps both yoru body and your mind, so you can apply it to physical reactions you might have (racing heart, pounding, sweaty palms, sick stomach etc).
It doesn’t work in quite the same way for depression unfortunately although it certainly will help the symptoms of the milder end of depression.
It is unusual and is not a ‘therapy’ as such, but a tool, but used in conjunction with counselling it’s wonderful. All the best. Jacqui- http://www.jacquimanning.com.au (look at tapping/tapping stories)
- http://www.eftdownunder.com (look at teh SET report, this gives you an idea of the points tapping uses on your face and hands) -
Benison O'Reilly October 11, 2012
I was listening to the radio recently and an Iraq veteran rang to say that he kept missing out on jobs post his defence force career until he removed all reference to his treatment for PTSD from his record. He said he wasn’t the only one, either, sigh. I mean if you can’t suffer PTSD after being in a war, what hope have we got eliminating the stigma surrounding mental health disorders?
For the record, researchers have found that long-term untreated depression can lead to permanent structural brain changes, thereby entrenching that depression and increasing the risk of dementia in later years. The good news is treatment can reverse these brain changes. No-one should apologise.
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Jac October 11, 2012
Annie and Zelda, I also have a NPD & BPD mother and have suffered from anxiety and depression all my life as a result. I discovered the explanation for everything in my late 30s after marrying into another NPD family. I wonder how much depression is caused by people being raised by high functioning NPD and BPD sufferers.
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Zelda October 11, 2012
That’s the thing Emerald – they are within families these damaging people and so the hardest of all to deal with. People with NPD will divide and conquer family members, and drive you nuts. I have lost count of the number of times I have been told “oh your mother would not do that” and of course you question your own sanity after a while. They are so good at having two faces. Then you find out the real story !!
It’s common to find NPD partners as Jac has said as I found such “friends”. It’s what you know when you have been so emotionally abused. It sure is mental !
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Emerald October 11, 2012
My message is not underestimate the effect of bullying and narcissistic personality types on any child or adults mental health especially sensitive people who may not have inbulit resilience through no fault of their own. In my own case my depression is reactive and it has taken me quite a long time to understand and identify the subtle undermining, criticism and abuse from within my own family (both birth and in-laws) has been detrimental to my own mental health. I would go as far to say that when I identify this it has actually kept me well (with the assistance of partner, psychologists and friends) as I defy most people not to feel depressed around these particular tricky personality types who are abusive. Parents and siblings can be bullies too. Because they are in the family quite often it is difficult to stand up to them for fear of repercussions on other loved or dependent family members.
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jane October 11, 2012
thanks jessica i admire your honesty&humour,but really WHO REALLY LISTENS&HEARS the point of your article? ONLY Uthe MEMBERS of the MENTAL CLUB
1day mayb we will b heard -
jane October 11, 2012
please dont think im putting you down im not i think you are a wonderful strong person and perfect voice for those of us unable to be heard.thankyou
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RobynMarie October 11, 2012
Wow Annie, words can’t express. What a horrible person to have for a mother. You sound amazing to have survived it. I admire you.
Big love xxx -
Rhoda October 11, 2012
It’s almost the last frontier. We know so little about it because it has always been swept under the carpet. Treatment seems to be hit or miss and doesn’t seem to be a priority of the same order as say cancer or heart disease even though it affects the well being of our whole society.
I know someone who has inherited a personality disorder. It can be traced through the family line and explains so much of what happened and why – family relationship breakdowns and so on. He can’t help his behaviour and didn’t even know what was causing it until recently. Finding out was a revelation to him and has lifted his despair.
I know someone else with severe depression who had a horrible childhood with abusive parents and who spent time in foster care. She pulled herself up and out of it, worked and paid off a mortgage, brought up a wonderful young man but it has all caught up with her and she needs time out and treatment. She’s on centrelink benefits and goes off to chat with a psychologist once a fortnight or so. He’s put her on some sort of medication but she’s confided that she won’t be ready to go back to work and is worried that she has to. There’s no partner in her life – just her son who is thankfully very supportive. She gave up smoking and is doing her best now to give up alcohol. She’s brave and funny , keeps her house spotless, has the best relationship with her son. Was determined he would have the childhood she didn’t have. But she has days she can’t move or communicate with anyone. Just curls up in a ball and sleeps all day. I worry about her a lot. She deserves more help than she’s getting. She’s actually fighting for her life but is being given token treatment.
It’s disgraceful really how the mentally ill are treated. I applaud your effort to break down the stigma, Jessica.
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Zelda October 12, 2012
In my experience my mother’s NPD is not inherited but rather a behaviour learned that often filters down from example. She is emotionally a six year old, coddled and spoilt from childhood who wants to continue this range of behavour. She parentified me, that is to say she was the child, I was the mother. Being unable to fully express my own path it has led me to much misery.
For interest the common behaviour is listed here.
http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html-
Jen October 12, 2012
Thank you Jessica for raising this, also Zelda, and all the other daughters (and sons) of narcissistic mothers. I’ve had depression my entire life, only diagnosed postnatally 23 years ago. I only realised this year after my mother tried to ruin my wedding what was wrong with her. She destroyed my first marriage and turned my sister into a clone of herself. Discovering that not everything was my fault was like a light bulb turning on above my head. I found a good website “Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers” run by an Irish lady, who also does the tapping therapy. Strangely when I told my adult children, they both said “Yeah, we knew Nana was narcissistic!” The more mental health issues are brought to everyone’s attention, the easier it is for sufferers.
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Zelda October 12, 2012
Yes Jen, I want to see more discussion of these PD’s brought to light in Australia. US seems the main source of info now. I ran into a lot of resistance in talking about it with friends in the form of “mother taboo” – that idea that mothers are sacred and do no wrong.
For so long I sought help and then discovered books by Nina Brown “Children of the Self Absorbed” was one of the best, and then Karyl McBride. Psychs didn’t seem to know much about NPD when I sought help early on in the 90′s. That only exacerbated my frustration. Finding a counsellor who understood was a new start, albeit a late one for me too. Women are learning about this parenting problem early on now thankfully.
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Angela Mollard October 12, 2012
Jessica – the work you are doing destigmatising mental illness is extraordinary. Buckets of respect to you lovely lady.
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Zelda October 12, 2012
You’ve reminded me of my grandmother talking about a female friend of hers in the 1950′s who had menopausal problems. She became very upset with her husband and was subsequently shipped off to the asylum.
When I see the 50′s retro style all around now I am thinking of how bad those times were for women. -
Mental? October 12, 2012
I was diagnosed with a mental illness just over ten years ago and I’m still not keen to claim the label. Good on you for being able to speak out about it but I think there is a LOT of stigmatising, cruelty on the part of mental health care staff, elitism on the part of the non-mentally ill nursing staff, bullying on the part of people who believe you’re ‘not mentally ill’ and you should just get on with the job, twisted jokes among your former friends…and all under the guise of ‘you’re just imagining it while you’re mentally ill’. I’m not stupid and I am not in a place where it’s a thing I’m proud of yet; good on you for talking about it.
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Annie from Faulco October 12, 2012
Thank you for your messages of support.
My lifelong friend urged me to seek counselling re my mother. She, and many others, recognised that my mother behaved erratically towards me, including phone calls and letters to others when I did not do as I was told.
I now believe that being told, at the age of 39, that I was “too independent”, was not a reflection on me, but on my mother’s desire to create a life for me about which she could claim credit.
Critics of “Trapped in the Mirror” (ISBN 978-0-688-14071-7. Harper Collins) say that this book is “coloured” by too much of the author’s personal experience. Elan Golumb had a different experience to mine, but her case studies reveal experiences which resonate with me. I understand why Elan included her own story in her book.
Adult children of NPD parents are rejected as whingers, dismissed as still longing for parental approval or not understanding the socio/cultural contexts which inform an older generation.
Bullshit.
My friends’ similarly-aged parents did not behave in this way. They did not engineer social occasions to reflect upon their children’s successes, and claim credit.
They also didn’t write letters to DOCS, alleging child neglect/abuse, resulting in their adult child having a DOCS file reference number which can be accessed by any potential employer.
Really nice DOCS workers attended our home, talked to our daughter, aged 4, dismissed the complaint as “malicious”, gave us the thumbs up, etc.
But I’m still listed as a notified person.
NPD people may do anything to achieve their purpose.
We’ve all got rellos we don’t like, but we don’t try to destroy their lives by using “knowledge” of their friends, family, employers, neighbours to damage their reputations and careers.
NPD inflicts an impossible situation upon its victims/recipients: “What have you done to make your parent hate you this much?”
My answer: Dunno, I think it’s more about her than about me.
Luckily, good people value me all the more when they understand NPD.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
I am stronger, but it still hurts.
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Zelda October 12, 2012
Annie, bless you for surviving ! And for telling the story which we all have to tell with NM’s.
How often have I had to simply say that ‘I have a mother who could not mother’. Otherwise I hear the same thing as you – what did I do to upset the family ?. I was a scapegoat, but scapegoats survive more than others.
EMDR Therapy is making quite some remarkable ground on this sort of trauma. http://www.emdrnetwork.org/description.html -
Annie from Faulco October 12, 2012
I also think that “scapegoats” are true survivors.
A reluctant meeting with a sibling, organised by my NPD mother who said “Give your sister a hug” resulted in my broken ribs, black eyes, car keys stolen, phone calls to my employer and sleeping on her couch. For 3 days.
Professional women cannot not front up to work looking like domestic violence victims. The victim is judged by her level of “normality” in workplaces which have no idea about NPD and its corollaries.
My darling late husband, who looked for the good in everyone, came to realise that my NPD mother was prepared to break up relationships in order to have people accede to her wishes.
NPD mothers condone sibling violence, disrespect AVOs, destroy careers and marriages, because they want to own and control the life of their child for the sole purpose of making other people admire them.
Beware, they may be coming somewhere near you soon.
A bit ironic.
I’m OK, wish it had been a bit different, but knowing this earlier would have made the lives of people I love a bit less stressful.
There’s an unopened letter from my mother in my letterbox.
It will stay unopened. I’ve moved on.
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Ali October 14, 2012
Great article. I’ve been dealing with depression and anxieties this year, so know about the stigma. I have just spent the past week for Mental Health Week sharing my story on my blog http://www.yorkesgirl.com, in the hope the message will reach a few people. It needs to reach a lot more but if we all do a bit, hopefully the barriers will break down eventually.
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Bec October 26, 2012
My mother has bipolar disorder and also suffers from paranoid delusions. She refuses to acknowledge she is ill. When she is manic, she is psychotic. My whole life she was in and out of hospital for treatment, which she usually discontinued within a few months, and I was sent around various foster homes and relatives. Everything was all about her wellbeing and everyone seemed so intent on making sure I was placed in her care when possible. As a teenager in care, I grew to hate my mother. Everyone around me seemed to put her needs ahead of mine and try and guilt me into forming a relationship with her. The funny thing is, though, is that they encouraged her to stop taking her medication and didn’t try to get her to continue engaging with the community mental health nurses. It became my responsibility to get her help when it became obvious she was losing her grasp on reality.
I don’t hate her anymore, I just don’t have any feelings towards her but pity. I know she didn’t really realise what she was doing, I just don’t see her as my mother. I was diagnosed with BPD and sometimes I see myself expressing the same behavious as she did. It scares me to death and I struggle in my relationships with other people. Fortunately I have a better support network than she did.
