excover

MEETING THE EX

This story begins with my husband telling me that he had been back in contact with an ex-girlfriend and it was suggested they meet up for lunch.

exgirl

I have to say it was unexpected, but it did lead to a conversation that went a little like this:

I said: “Sure, when are we going?”

He said: “So, you want to come?”

I said: “Yeah, it would be weird otherwise….don’t you think?”

He agreed and set about organising a catch up.

As you do, we told a few friends and some family about the situation, which is where the lines started to blur. Apparently, it would seem that ...

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19 Comments

  • Reply March 20, 2013

    carole/m

    If your so comfortable with this situation sweetheart, why do you need my opinion.

    • Reply March 26, 2013

      Becc

      Just throwing it out there :)

  • Reply March 20, 2013

    erko

    Interesting topic. With so many people having consecutive monogomous relationshops is it really necessary to cut those past partners out of our lives completely because we just didn’t make it for life? Does it have anything to do with the fact that we slept with them? Is that the sticking point? Old friends on both sides of a couple’s relationships are usually maintained. Why should it be that the ones we slept with are immediately suspect and a no-go area? Just wondering?

  • Reply March 20, 2013

    AwkwardandParanoid

    I always think that if a man is still friends with his ex girlfriends he must have been good to them and visa versa.

    It is a reflection that their relationship was healthy and he is capable of conducting great relationships without burning people.

  • Reply March 20, 2013

    Pixie

    My husband has met two of my exes & got on like a house on fire with both!

  • Reply March 20, 2013

    happyhovea

    My husband & I are close friends with my ex (we were together 6 years) & his partner. We catch up regularly. Yes, a lot of people think its odd, but I find it a little sad that people see it as unusual as I think it’s a real shame that more people can’t get on with their ex partners. I think it comes down to trust & how secure you are in your current relationship.

  • Reply March 20, 2013

    Panda

    Happy with it all until I see he was the one to seek her out (albeit in Social Media). Having said that, we all have a curiosity about ‘past loves’ and I think a bit of narcissism in wanting to think we’ve ‘still got it’. Therefore there’s a great temptation to ‘catch up’ with the exes. My view is to be adult about my selfish narcissism, and not reach out to exes. If they contact me, it’s another matter, but I would still keep my husband in the loop. Ultimately, my relationship with him is more important than my relationship with them.

    Overall I agree with your proportionate response, don’t make a big deal out of nothing. You are in a stable relationship, and are right not to let little things get under the skin!

  • Reply March 20, 2013

    Pedant

    Completely depends on the ex, the type of relationship they had, & whether other parties have partners. I am married to one of my closest friend’s ex boyfriends – she is now married to the guy who originally introduced my husband to my friend – it’s complicated! Altho a little awkward at first, it’s just a non-issue; her husband was the MC at our wedding. It is just all a very long time ago. When my husband & I had a period of separation, I valued & appreciated so much their friendship & loyalty to both of us. I just think there are no ‘rules’ about these social situations and it wasn’t helpful to have others express their ambivalence or opposition to us all socializing together which we do regularly. Thanks!

  • Reply March 20, 2013

    Susila

    Nup! Not weird. I wouldn’t have wanted to go…I think that’s maybe a bit clingy or something, but then again I’ve had the oppertunity to meet a few of my husbands exes and I’ve enjoyed it! I’ve liked and respected them for their various lovely qualities and I’ve thought about them as people who have been kind to him and loved him at some point in their lives, and this has made me feel really fondly towards them. Also he is always really respectful and kind about them, and I think this has helped, as I’ve never had any reason to think they would be anything other than really good people. Also I kind of just think of them as old friends of his that he feels close to and warm towards, so I end up feeling that way too. If some ladies are jealous and insecure about exes, I think there might be some other issues going on there, individually and/or realtionship wise.

  • Reply March 20, 2013

    Ann

    I am friends with my ex spouse and his new wife – initially it was a little difficult and did a feel a little strange. It was testing at first but once boundaries were understood and a deep level of respect for the wife as she in essence was coming into a new circle of friends and family and I was still part of it. My relationship with husband ended for lots of reasons but I cannot see why I should hate him because our marriage did not work. In fact I I meet the new wife and we have drinks and dinner together independently of the ex because we actually have grown to like each other. Relationships are all different and as long as their is mutual respect and boundaries it can work well. I am in my 50′s now and in a relationship now but was not in the beginning.

  • Reply March 23, 2013

    windpower

    I am the same as Ann but I am the male. My ex and I were together for just short of 30 years, 25 of them married. We are still very good friends and I even sometimes work jobs with her new man. We get along fine. Hey Rebecca, if she is still looking tell her I am available!! I can supply good references. . lol. Cheers from Melbourne

    • Reply March 26, 2013

      Becc

      I will pass your message on :)

  • Reply March 24, 2013

    Alice Shaw

    I would find it a little strange but that could just be me. He may have just wanted her to see how well he has married. I do think it’s a little unusual that he sought her out via social media, decided he wanted to meet up with her and didn’t automatically include you on it. Again, it’s probably very particular to each individual but 2 years, 20 years ago? Why go there? I had a long term boyfriend between 18 and 20 but there’s no way I’d ever consider meeting up with him again. There’s no hard feelings but it was a very long time ago and it just seems a bit odd.

  • Reply March 26, 2013

    Michele

    No, not weird at all. If you are confident in yourself and your relationship it’s a wonderful thing. It would also be interesting to see how different from yourself the Ez is – call it a scientific or social experiment.

  • Reply March 27, 2013

    Seana - Sydney, Kids, Food + Travel

    Hmmm…. I think there’s so much potential for meetings with exes to be highly charged, and with friends who’ve got back together with exes (and divorced) I’d be quite wary both of my own and my husbands, I think. Your gut reaction was to go to the lunch straight away which is sending a strong message… always go with the gut is my motto.

  • Reply March 28, 2013

    Carolyn

    Gosh, I’m great friends with my ex and my husband has no problem with it. The water is muddied by the fact we share a child together but our friendship goes beyond that and we often catch up for lunch or a coffee and don’t discuss the child at all. If I wanted to be in a relationship with him, I could have stayed with him, and my husband knows that.

    My husband is friends with a few of his exes and we all catch up in group situations but none of the friendships go so far as one-on-one catch ups, although I don’t think that would bother me either.

    As some have said, I think it depends on the nature of each relationship but I feel lucky that there are no issues for any of us. Also, my loyalty lies first and foremost with my husband and if it bothered him, I would reel it in straight away. My marriage is the most important thing.

  • Reply March 31, 2013

    billie

    If I didn’t maintain contact with my ex’s and their parents I would have no history to share with anyone

  • Reply April 10, 2013

    Barbara

    My husband’s best friend is his ex-girlfriend’s brother. My husband was passionately in love this woman when they were together but he eventually worked out that the heights of passion he felt weren’t being reciprocated. But he did meet his best mate and now he and his wife are our best friends.

    Both our dogs were puppies from the ex-girlfriend’s dog (bitch, actually), so we have been in contact. When we got engaged there was some “I should have grabbed you when I had the opportunity” that went down, but I had him and he wasn’t going anywhere fast. I felt very sad for her, knowing what a great guy I had landed and that she wasn’t in a good place emotionally.

    We saw her only a few months ago at their father’s funeral. One of the sisters said to me that we’re like family to their family. The ex is now pregnant and with a lovely guy. We’re both delighted and are eager to see the baby when it’s born.

    Fortunately we live in different states so we don’t have heaps of face to face contact, because that might be a little to intense for me, but she will always be a presence in our lives.

  • Reply April 12, 2013

    Ms Behavin

    Glad to read many are open minded about this. I had an ex from way back… We remained friends (which happened quite naturally) and he felt like family though all romance was gone. I introduced him to my new friends/flat mates, and through that he met his wife – she and I were briefly friends before we all moved to different locations… She checked with me – was I ok with them being together as she thought it may be ‘awkward’…I was fine with it; I had re-partnered, and was pleased to see him happy after some other difficult life challenges. After many years of sending each other the odd Chrissy card/newsy letter & photos of our children, there came this moment after tentatively transitioning to the age of electronic communication when I got an email from her saying it was “inappropriate” for us to have contact, more or less suggesting I had some kind of agenda…20 years down the track! This came when I was really unwell physically and thus i overreacted emotionally, feeling really humiliated and foolish. So, I learned the hard way, although I personally think it shouldn’t be a big issue, not everyone copes with these post relationship friendships. Tread carefully.

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