HELP ME, RHONDA
One of the most wise and wonderful voices in the nation, our esteemed friend, Rhonda Galbally AO, is here to offer advice to Hoopla readers… whatever your problem may be.
Portrait by Terrie Fraser
Dear Rhonda,
I have a 23 year old daughter who’s been living with an abusive, controlling man for 18 months.
He has not hit her (to my knowledge) but he plays mind games, belittles her, controls who she can see and when, and rules her life.
He’s also a drinker and gambler who has money worries and works intermittently. They live in a country town about 200 kilometres away from us.
My daughter was at university until he made her leave (twice), and now has a part-time job as a waitress, because he can ‘keep an eye on her’ in that type of job, and he doesn’t want her educated. Last year she became pregnant and the abuse ramped up so much she fell apart and came home for three months; she was so psychologically ill she lost the baby.
I took her to a psychotherapist who told her she was being abused and worked with her for a couple of months, and at that time my daughter agreed that he was bad news, started a new uni. course close to our home, went out casually with a couple of other young men, and seemed happy.
She also had lots of information from abused women’s groups, and took it all in. The man, of course, kept on at her incessantly, and in the end she went back to him very suddenly, telling us only that she was ‘so in love’ with him that she had to give him another go.
Now she doesn’t tell us anything about the relationship as she used to. She says he agrees that he has behaved badly towards her and doesn’t abuse her any more, but we don’t believe this because she is so secretive and because he keeps her from seeing us, which we don’t believe he would do if he really was contrite. We’ve been desperate to get her away from him but nothing has any effect. We aren’t fighting with her as we talk to her pleasantly every few weeks and see her a couple of times a year, but because this man won’t come near us (as he believes we ‘poisoned’ our daughter against him when she came home last year), contact is necessarily limited.
Our daughter was a beautiful, bubbly, loving and intelligent girl from a stable family who did well at school and was so confident that she spent 12 months overseas as an exchange student to France as a 16-year-old, but she’s now given up her life for him. She’ll probably fall pregnant again or get married (the man is very keen for both), but the idea of either fills us with horror.
Can you think of anything that might help to get her to see what she is doing with her life? And if she tells us she is going to marry him, what on earth will we do?
Yours Sincerely, Jane
Dear Jane,
Domestic violence is a very serious crime. As you are fully aware it can be in the form of psychological abuse – instilling fear, control, isolating, destroying self-esteem and hope. It can be in the form of physical abuse resulting in all of the psychological impacts, as well as broken bones, bruising, rape and torture. And domestic violence can and does result in death.
Domestic violence is absolutely unacceptable and must be treated as the serious crime it is by all levels of law enforcement in Australia. Tragically, on this front, there is still a long way to go.
The insidious result of domestic violence is the fact that victims’ think it is their fault – that if only they did something different or were somehow different in their essence – then it wouldn’t happen. In other words they have internalized the hatred expressed in the abuse towards them – they take it in and make it theirs and this in turn makes it very hard for them to say, ‘no more’.
Perpetrators of domestic violence are bullies who don’t even see the woman as a person, but as an object for them to act out their frustrations with the world. Perpetrators are desperate to keep the woman locked into this position as she serves an essential role as his punching bag – psychological and physical.
So it is no wonder that you are desperately worried and very very sad to see your daughter in this highly risky situation.
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7 Responses to this article
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Matt September 11, 2012
Dear Jane, gather some male friends and relatives to drive over to this dickhead’s house and give him a strong message of ‘go away and never come back’. It’s the only language scumbags like this understand. He’s a bully and a coward. He’ll leave your daughter alone if he feels physically threatened by contacting her.
Your daughter will probably hate you for it in the short term but once she’s untangled from this moron she will begin to see reason again.
I feel very sorry for you. Years back my girlfriend’s sister was in a very similar place. It was ugly but when the men of the family made it known (very clearly) that Mr Abuser was no longer welcome and should never contact our girl again he left and never came back. Good riddance! -
The Huntress September 11, 2012
All the best with your situation. Having “been there and done that” all I can say is keep being there. You may feel helpless, but hopefully, one day, you will be in a position to protect your daughter. My thoughts are with you and your family.
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Lisa Lee September 11, 2012
Jane, please please keep being there for your daughter!! This was me many years ago, except in my case it escalated to severe physical abuse very quickly. I honestly felt so alone (that’s part of the plan), and most “friends” left me to it, because they too were scared of this person.
I didn’t tell my family because he threatened to hurt them if they became involved, so I hardly saw them. I too went from a corporate job to waitressing at a local restaurant so he could check on me, although he didn’t work.
Eventually my employer saw what was happening, and she arranged for me to go into hiding for a short while. This coward moved on, his meal ticket/punching bag had been taken away. As a result of this relationship I lost everything I had worked so hard for.
17 years down the track, I’m married with a beautiful daughter, and doing well in a field I love to work in. It’s amazing how you can be brainwashed into thinking that kind of treatment is normal and you probably deserve it. It took me a long time to realize what I have now is normal.
Please don’t give up on your daughter, she may hate you in the short term, but she will thank you for the rest of her life. -
Ro. Watson September 11, 2012
Maybe,dropping out may have been something your daughter wanted to do as an alternative to notions of achievment~ the loss of her baby may still be keeping her stuck~hard place to be…I hope she sees you and yours as a safe haven…
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Miss Brown September 11, 2012
As brutal as it sounds, I agree with Matt. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the men of the family protecting one of their women. Abusers are bullies and cowards, and why should everyone be so politically correct in dealing with them?
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JessB September 11, 2012
I don’t think it’s necessarily about being politically correct when dealing with people who are abusive, but rather about choosing the course of action that will have the result you want.
I have been bullied in my life, and can look back and see how weak certain people were. Someone, or a group of people, standing up like this, in front of witnesses and the victim, would have stopped a lot of bullies in their tracks.
However, for other people, it will be like a red rag to a bull. If you cannot take the person being abused away immediately, the abuser may cringe and grovel in front of those stronger than him (or her), but as soon as they are gone, will take out their feelings of powerlessness and humiliation on the person being abused – again.
I think it’s about having enough knowledge of the situation to know which way it will go. I do think it’s an option, but one to be used with incredible care and a lot of thought.
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Marnie September 11, 2012
It was your daughter’s choice to go back to him. In doing so she knows that anything she says to you is betraying him and devaluing the relationship she decided to go back to. That in turn gives her less faith in herself and her own decisions and that makes her more susceptible to mistreatment. It’s a vicious circle. Keep the channels of communication open but don’t mention the partner or the relationship unless she raises the issue. Just make sure that she knows you are always there for her and will never judge her. That way she can come to you when she is ready.
