THANK YOU, MAGDA
Along with many other Australians, I watched with my partner Donna last night as the brilliant Magda Szubanski spoke on The Project about being gay and her support for same-sex marriage. As one of this country’s best-loved entertainers, Magda has put the issue firmly back on the national agenda especially at a time when two bills to legalise same-sex marriage have been introduced in parliament. It is an issue close to my heart. This story explains why. – CAROLINE ROESSLER, Editor
I have never before written about my personal life.
Well, that’s not strictly true – I have written quite a lot about my weight, my love of crochet and white jugs, lists, food, wine (not necessarily in that order) – but not about my relationship. There never seemed any need to except to mention in passing that I am actually in one.
I‘d made the transition from marriage to same sex relationship with ease. Not to say that breaking up my marriage was easy – it was anything but – but I never did have a crisis about being married to a man one day and falling in love with a woman the next. It just happened.
I didn’t plan it and, to be honest, I never really gave the ‘homosexual’ aspect too much thought.
I did wonder at first how people, especially in the media where I worked, reacted to you if you were in a same sex relationship, so when I announced to work colleagues that my partner and I were more than ‘friends’ I was a little disappointed that this news seemed no more interesting to them than if I’d told them what I’d eaten for breakfast.
That one incident aside, I’ve never thought twice about declaring that my partner is a woman. (Her name, by the way, is Donna Reeves.)
One thing I wasn’t keen on for a long time was being called a lesbian.
After much analysis and discussion I still don’t know why that was (and still kind of is), except that I don’t particularly like labels. On clothes, sure, but not on me.
So, having decided that I would like to write about this issue for the first time, meant that I did have to look at why I’d never done so before. After more analysis (we do seem to do a lot of that around here) I realised it was mainly professional: as a journalist and editor, I’ve always believed I had to maintain some distance … that old journalistic standard of reporting the story, not being the story.
But I feel differently about that now.
Up to this point I’ve believed that living my life with honesty and transparency was statement enough; after all, Donna and I (approaching nearly 20 years of togetherness) are the poster girls for enduring same-sex relationships.
Flag waving and activism have never really been my schtick; I‘d rather just go quietly about my life to make my point, thankyou.
And then, last Friday, an email landed in my inbox from Get Up!. “Caroline,” it said, “need a quick Friday afternoon pick-me-up? Watch our beautiful new video, Love Story…”
I did watch it. And then I burst into tears.
“Share the butterflies of a first meeting,” it said, and I remembered ours.
We didn’t have a textbook romance. It wasn’t easy. There was all the pain and guilt associated with breaking up one relationship to forge another. But there was also a longing so great, so intense, the thought of not being together was unimaginable.
“Share the pain of loss,” it said, and I did.
Just one example… Not long before my father died he was completely immobile, unable to look after himself in any way. One night after my mother had gone to bed – exhausted from looking after him – he needed to go to the bathroom. He started to call out for her but Donna helped him to let my mum sleep. She knew my sister and I would be completely incapable of helping him with this intimate act.
That’s the kind of person she is.
“Share the joy of building a life together,” it said, and I do because that’s what we’re doing and have been doing for a very long time.
Why did the video make me cry? Because I realised how much I want to marry this wonderful woman with whom I have spent so much of my life. That we have every right to do this. That we have worked incredibly hard, sometimes against the odds, to build our life together. That we should not be denied this basic human right.
I had a conversation with Professor Kerryn Phelps not so long ago on the subject of same sex marriage.
Kerryn and her wife Jackie Stricker – they married not long ago in New York, where same sex marriage is legal – have lobbied long and hard for marriage equality in this country. During that conversation, I said I didn’t feel it was necessary for ‘us’ to have marriage; civil union would be good enough.
Kerryn, bless her, was – rightfully – indignant and said: “So you want to be civil unioned do you?” Good point. She doesn’t believe we should settle for second best. Neither do I.
I’ve been on both sides of the marriage fence. I was married at 19 in a church in a white dress and it didn’t work out. No-one’s fault, it just wasn’t meant to be.
Now I’m 50 and I can’t get married. And that’s just wrong.
*This is us. Donna is the lovely one on the left.
RELATED LINKS
Miranda, a Wine with your Whine? By Professor Kerryn Phelps
Why I Support Gay Marriage. By Kristina Keneally
Bolt: I Want Marriage Equality
**If you, too, want a cry, watch the Get Up! video.
66 Responses to this article
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Carolyn December 2, 2011
Exactly this, my cousin was married in Berlin this year to his partner of over thirty years.
A wedding on Australian soil was denied to him.
We should all be fighting for this, gay or straight.
It is the biggest civil liberties issue of our age and we as a nation should be on the right side of history. -
Jackie December 2, 2011
Caroline thank you for “being the story” I scratch my head every day that marriage equality isn’t just a given. I just watched Sunrise and both politicians stated they believe both personally and along party lines that marriage is between a man and a woman….what they never mention is why.
Perhaps it’s the people who think marriage is “just a bit of paper” who think marriage equality isn’t important. Personally to me marriage is much more than that. I am proud to be called my husband’s wife…there is no confusion like there is when you say “partner” and at 51 myself I certainly don’t want to be his girlfriend LOL
To me, marriage is you and you me against the world. Of course, there are also legal and financial issues where the lines are clear when married but maybe it’s just to romantic in me who still believes people marry because they love one another and think they will be together forever.
And on this issue, gender doesn’t enter into it. For some reason John Lennon’s song Imagine is running through my head right now…maybe I am being simplistic and naive..but it my world that’s how I roll
With all my heart I hope You and Donna get to legally say I Do in THIS country! and I hope you attend many weddings where you smile when you hear your friends say it too and it won’t matter what gender the couple are.
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Kid December 2, 2011
My sister is “civil partnershiped” and now lives in the UK, with both of them coming to live here (which they really want) influenced by the thought of their relationship no longer being recognised. This issue literally divides families and not in the way the bigots might think.
I’m sick of bigotry, ignorance and irrational non-arguments like tradition being used to support what is otherwise a completely artificial division of society. It makes no sense and it’s time this country grew up.
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Hannah December 2, 2011
Bravo, Caroline. The last paragraph sums it up perfectly – we can marry in this country as heterosexual teenagers (children??) but to many educated, hard working, tax paying, society-enriching adults, the right is denied.
I hope we’re not having the same conversations this time next year. All the best to you and to Donna.
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Nareen Young December 2, 2011
Go Caroline! Personal stories can be powerful, and it is hard. None of us likes revealing our private selves in public, and nor should we, but if it helps this noble cause, good on you and Donna. Cheers.
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alan kennedy December 2, 2011
xx
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Julie McGlone December 2, 2011
Wow. Good girl. Very succinct, very powerful.
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Kate December 2, 2011
Right behind you girls, that’s beautifu XX
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Maxxii December 2, 2011
It’s natural to want to commit to someone you love and want to spend your life with. Marriage is not for everyone, but it should be available to all those who would like to take that step
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Geoff Field December 2, 2011
What a heartfelt story.
Among all this argument and debate taking place is love, which shines through in this beautiful article x -
KayO'Sullivan December 2, 2011
Dear Caroline,
You made you made me cry, your honesty, your bravery, your beautiful words, your love for your love. Then I watched the video again and kept on blubbering. Why won’t they get it that there’s just no difference, it’s all about love.
But most importantly I signed the petition.
Thank you for moving me to action.
Kay O’Sullivan -
marinago December 2, 2011
Caroline, your story is beautiful and I support equal marriage opportunity for all.
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Alecia December 2, 2011
A beautiful story of love. Thank you for sharing it with us. I have never been able to understand why the right to marriage is withheld from some Australians and not others. It makes no sense.
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Suzanne Trenwith December 2, 2011
As a parent to a wonderful, gorgeous daughter who happens to be in a same sex relationship all I want is to see her enjoy the benefits of being in a committed relationship. The other thing I dream is that one day my husband will walk his daughter down the aisle to the person she loves, with proudest smile on his face!! Please help our dream come trus Australia- are we not the land of the free? Please help the tears stop when people accuse me of accepting that my daughter is in a same sex relationship. How can you not love your own daughter no matter the circumstances. Thank you for this forum even though the tears won’t stop!!!!!!!!! xxxooo
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Joe December 2, 2011
Poor bloke
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Kria December 3, 2011
?????
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royce February 15, 2012
Yup…
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Bec December 2, 2011
When I was a kid i had two big dreams:
1. To fix my terrible eyesight. The kids used to tease me so much (hurtful little buggers) about it, I had no friends through primary school.2. To get married… but to a woman. (I knew i was gay when I was 5. Well, I didn’t know the label “gay” but i knew i liked other girls and couldn’t understand why they didn’t chase me instead of the boys! I mean, really! How could they not!
)Well, 35 years on, it’s the 21st century and they can fix my eyes… What seemed like an impossible dream way back then came true today…
Just one more dream to go…….
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Deanne Tindale December 2, 2011
Two people in love should be cause for celebration not condemnation. By condemning love it reduces our nation and our humanity to so much less. It reduces us to saying, “those two people can’t marry because they have the same genitals”. What next? No two blue-eyed people can marry?
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donna December 2, 2011
Hello. This is Donna. Love all your comments. Caroline did forget to mention she actually hasn’t asked me to marry her yet
Shall I consider this the question??? If so, I wonder what my answer shall be….. -
Annie December 2, 2011
Thank you for sharing your story (and hopefully proposal!!!) ladies.
Yesterday morning, on ABC 666, I was listening to Andrew Barr, one of our Legislative Assembly (ACT Govenment Ministers) talk about taking the question of gay marriage to the ALP. I was heartened by this greatly. My good feelings didn’t last long though, as soon thereafter, a Christian fundamentalist came on and had to have ‘his say’.
Suffice to say, the same vacuous crap was spouted. But the guy soon went even furth down the path of totally redundant arguments, by stating that allowing gay people to marry would destroy the institution of marriage and deny children their right to a mother and a father. Added to that, it would undermine the 60 year marriage of his good Christian friends. Oh, and also that we had to protect the two thousand year laws of marriage.
Stunning. What logic. So, we are to enshrine ‘laws’ laid out by ignorant goat herders living in tents? Are we also required to stone to death people who wear a poly cotton top with linen pants? Ban women from work while they’re menstruating?
I have friends with children. I have friends who are in a same sex relationship with kids. They are still together heading up an awesome and inspiring family unit. Many of my hetro couple friends? Divorced with very unhappy children… Simplistic sure, but good god, it’s time this nation drags itself into the 21st century!
Someone commented above, by not changing these things, by sitting back and allowing this to continue, we diminish ourselves.
Yes, I did go and sign the petition.
By the way, someone else texted the radio station with a question for our fundy friend: ‘And just how is his breakfast undermined by the gay people eating their breakfast?’
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Selina December 2, 2011
Caroline, that getup video made me bawl – and so did your piece. Can I kick off the congrats on your engagement? Ain’t love grand.
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Erica December 2, 2011
Caroline, what a gorgeous story. Well done you and Donna. Thanks so much for sharing.
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Pandora December 3, 2011
Ms C & Ms D,
My partner and I think everyone has the right to be miserable!!!!!
We wish you all the best xo -
Annamaree December 4, 2011
Just a thought on perhaps why you dont like being called a lesbian.
Perhaps its because its a word and a label that evokes discussion and debate.
For instance if I went to a party and annoumced to the group of people that i was talking to that i was Hetro-sexual most of the would be sure to look at me and think “why the hell did she tell us that?…how weird..who cares?”….But if i announced that i was Lesbian there would be several differant reactions. Some people would react in the same way and think “Why did she feel the need to tell us that?”..others might be interested and want to ask questions. Some might move away.
Its something for discussion. Know what I mean??? You dont hear people discussing x person and saying “oh shes Hetro did you know?”…But “oh shes a Lesbian”..now thats a discussion.I dont really get why some people are so strongly against same sex marriage especially those people that are hetro…why would it offend?? I know a guy who is so against same sex marriage and he says “Its stupid”…”It souldnt be allowed” Ive asked Why? and I dont get anything from him that has any form of Intelligence attached to it. I dont understand why its so threatening to some people.
As the old song says “What the world needs now is love sweet love”…how can Love be looked at by anyone as wrong???Ive probably phrased this really badly. Sunday morning here and things are a little manic so i hope this makes sense.
BTW…20years…longer then many marriages…Congrats for the upcoming 20yrs celebration. -
Julie McGregor December 4, 2011
I have the feeling that the future holds the key to the fairness we are looking for. At a recent course held in my school (I’m a teacher), a representative from ACON spoke to the kids and assumed they would hold some homophobic views. The kids politely listened and then said they believed that gay people were exactly the same as hetro people, and the subject they wanted to ask about was that it must be hard for gay people to know who they could “crack-on to” when they go to a new place. The girls said they had some great male friends at school who were openly gay and loved to go shopping with them. The speaker didn’t really believe them and kept asking them to think of all the horrible names that gay people are called at school. The kids told him they didn’t do this and didn’t know most of the insulting words and phrases he brought up. They said there were a couple of people in their year who were homophobic, but they were in the minority and were idiots anyway. They loudly said that gay marriage should be made legal and started cheering and hooting in support of this idea.I was so proud of them. Perhaps in the future these kids will help to make the world a fairer place.
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Sarah B December 4, 2011
My kids have the same view, partly because they know and like my gay friends, but mostly because, for their generation, it’s just not a big deal.
I know Donna and Caroline will be upset that the ALP have not endorsed the idea of same sex marriage, but the allowance of a consience vote is a step forward and I’m sure it will only be a matter of time until we see the wedding photos. And how proud we will be of them for telling the world about their feelings and the contribution they have made
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DIana Plater December 4, 2011
Let’s hope the pollies do the right thing when it comes to voting for the legislation. Lovely story, Caroline.
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chatchaddy December 4, 2011
I am so proud of Donna and Caroline. As Donna’s parents we have always loved them both, they are very special people and we love them as we do our other daughter and son-in-law. If you cannot be honest with yourself, you have nothing; let’s all be who we are as long as we are happy. What else counts? If your family cannot accept it they are the ones with the problem as they will lose someone they love.
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Kate December 5, 2011
Congratulations Caroline and Donna on having such a wonderful union. My mum, who is in her mid-70s, and I were only just talking last night about how crazy it is that we are in 2011 and deny same sex couples the right to get married. We both find it really hurtful that some people are treated differently in modern Australia. Not so modern.
Let’s hope this nonsense will soon be at an end. And best wishes to you and Donna. -
Phil Barker December 5, 2011
Wonderful story and look at the outpouring of support and positivity you’ve generated.
Brilliant. When’s the wedding? xx -
Top Bird @ Wee Birdy December 6, 2011
Awww, what a beautiful post. Loved reading Donna’s reply, too! Congratulations, you two! xx
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Tracey February 15, 2012
This is such a beautiful story Caroline. Thank u for sharing it. x
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bigwords February 15, 2012
Caroline and Donna your story is wonderfully romantic. Thanks so much for sharing it – I love love stories. Love makes my heart tingle. Now, on to the topic of the wedding…. GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER AUSTRALIAN POLITICIANS AND MAKE SAME-SEX MARRIAGE LEGAL – OK!!
By the way, I’m married to a particularly brilliant wedding photographer for when the time comes, Bianca xx -
Jane February 15, 2012
Marriage is a union of two souls. I really don’t think it matters a jot whether those souls come from bodies of the same sex or not. Love is love.
@Julie McGregor, I bet you were proud of those students.
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julie February 15, 2012
It is wonderful that these issues can be spoken about so openly now. I married a bloke in the 70s and divorced him in the 80s after 15 years together. I experienced everything that Caroline wrote here. Married a woman in the 90s and couldn’t talk about it. It lasted 12 years. Everyone should have equal access to the ecstatic joy and dreadful despair of both marriage and divorce,. But I still like the separation of marriage and weddings that occurs in many other countries, One of my kids has been married for 10 years (Japanese registry office) and they will have a wedding when their gorgeous babies are old enough to join in. Marriage equality, by all means, but why not require everyone to have a civil ceremony for 12 months before they go ahead with an expensive wedding- that would sort a few relationships out!
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janine fitzpatrick February 15, 2012
A beautiful piece. I’m not sure who the political parties think they are representing by not allowing gay couples to marry. Like some of the commentators said above my children don’t understand why there is an issue about this – everyone should have the right to marry. I hope we don’t have to wait for that generation to be in power before the changes are made. Surely to goodness we can sort it out now. Good luck with the engagement!!!
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royce February 15, 2012
Understood and I support you….
Understand though, those who hold ‘marriage’ as something different.
They hold it strongly and it is a cornerstone of their beliefs. It is a shocking and offensive idea to them that it might include same sex couples.
I know that in turn offends and hurts you, but… Understanding and tolerance and take enough time is still needed on this issue.
What is it to them?… It is none of their business… If you think that then you don’t understand the ‘straight/religo/orthodox/’ people yet.
Good luck to you and I hope you find the happiness you seem to think is missing without ‘marriage’.
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royce February 15, 2012
BTW….in case you didn’t understand the above. I shed a tear watching Magda.
I am happy to have you included in the marriage definition that my wife and I have.
I just know that the stresses on ‘straight’ people are not always understood either as their world is rocked and changed. -
Lucy February 15, 2012
Surely understanding and tolerance need to be on a two-way street? I think as values and concepts they should be applied to all humans regardless of sexual orientation (& race, ability or disability, culture, religious beliefs and individual lifestyle choices).
I honestly don’t get the argument that marriage is cornerstone of beliefs. Religiously speaking marriage is supposed to be union of man and woman for purposes of recreating. In today’s day and age the basis for the union (recreation) is not limited to man and woman, so the cornerstone, as it is termed, is already eroding…..?
And I don’t understand how someone else’s marriage can possibly devalue mine? See, marriage isn’t a worldwide currency – its value is to the people in it (& their extended families). My marriage can only be devalued if my husband or I choose to negate our vows to each other – if we show a lack of respect, lack of communication, lack of trust and ultimately betrayal – these are personal elements between my husband and I. Whether the couple next door are married or not plays no role in my marriage…..I know – I just don’t get the religious argument, or this cornerstone belief!
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Lisa Lintern February 15, 2012
Beautiful story. Just dusted off my favourite wedding hat. It’s on standby for when the government finally pulls its finger out and does the right thing. Even if I don’t get invited, I shall wear my hat in your honour on the day you finally wed. x
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MrsP2011 February 15, 2012
I adore Magda. I think she is funny, pretty, a great actress and comedienne, a lovely, lovely person, and among a long list of other things, an inspiration to many people for many reasons. Of course I have never met her but to me, what you see is what you get and that is a true indication of the person in front of you. She puts a smile on my dial – that’s important. I must say truthfully and honestly, a couple of things. I don’t like Kerryn Phelps rambo-style approach to gay marriage, it is one of the reasons I have been firmly against it. That particular type of approach to the subject is common and only serves to alienate the public even further. The other issue is that I am also old-fashioned in many ways. I am Catholic and without sounding like a religious nut – which I am definitely not – too many past sins – I love God. I pray to him every night. He has been the spiritual influence that drives my life since I was a little girl. So on this subject, I have truly struggled with the thought that if I support gay marriage then it is going against my Church, and my friend upstairs. Along with this goes my belief in traditional marriage so the thought of marriage between 2 women or 2 men was way off my traditional radar. However, lately I have been having a serious talk with myself on the subject. I do that sometimes. (Self, is always a good person to have a conversation with as well). You see I started to think about the people in my life that are gay, those who have been work colleagues, and those that are family members. When you analyse it honestly from a personal perspective your immediate reaction is “Well, I love those people, they are part of my life and always will be and of course their happiness is paramount to me and just as important as anyone else’s”. Then, after seeing Magda’s interview, the whole issue crystalised very clearly for me. There have been several people in my life, all gay, who have died. Two gorgeous men, both in committed relationships, both died as a result of contracting HIV/AIDS. One taking his own life. More recently, a young woman, part of my extended family who I have known since she was a teenager and who I was always extremely fond of, also took her own life 2 years ago. She was the sister of my daughter-in-law and although I only saw her infrequently, usually at family gatherings, it was like we had only seen each other yesterday and she could easily have been another one of my kids. That was devastating for all of us. I know that for each of the men, the opportunity to take their relationships one step further towards complete happiness in life would have been welcomed. Perhaps if our young family member had been able to hold on a bit longer, she may have been able to find happiness within a same-sex marriage and she might still be with us today. So, in their memory, in support of the people I love, and because it’s ok with Magda, it’s ok with me – not that she needs my ok. I guess I’m going to have to deal with God and the conflict of interest, at a later date.
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WENDY GREEN February 15, 2012
God IS Love!
He would never reject a person in love, no matter who they are.-
MrsP2011 February 17, 2012
Yeah, I know Wendy, just a little humour on my part.
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Linda February 15, 2012
I am very proud to have Stephen Jones as my local member who introduced the private members bill this week into parliament.
Things are changing and we will see this inequality addressed. Thanks for sharing and good luck.
Start planning your wedding and we all hope that it will be a reality sooner rather than later!
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Sarah Boggs February 15, 2012
Bless you Magda to me it doesn’t matter which sex you prefer it has nothing to do with me or anyone else for that matter. So long as you and your partner are happy that’s all that matters. So if people don’t like it tell “em to sod off .
I did enjoy you on S B S last night . you keep up the good work and keep us laughing -
jo February 15, 2012
I just don’t understand why we are dragging our heels on this. Marriage is about love not politics or religion or institutions. If two people love each other & wish to make a commitment to each other in marriage who are we to say they cannot. Congratulations Caroline on a beautiful story. I wish you and Donna my best wishes
Jo
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Deidre Lovell May 16, 2012
For me marriage is a word encompassing a religious tradition, spiritual connection, sexual connection, legal connection and overwhelming committment to the life of another. I personally have no desire to participate in the religious tradition but fully understand that for a lot of people this is very important but I do want to participate in the rest and quite frankly to just have a civil union to me is just looking after the legal issues, the words civil union do not conjure up everything else that the word marriage does when used in relation to a relationship.
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Belinda Huppatz April 23, 2013
what a gorgeous couple – and, being one of those who barely blinked at the initial announcement – it was pretty clear you were meant to be together! Pity everyone couldn’t see things that way.
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Belinda Huppatz April 23, 2013
what a gorgeous couple – and, being one of those who barely blinked at the initial announcement – it was pretty clear you were meant to be together! Pity everyone couldn’t see things that way.
