I’VE BEEN LYING TO EVERYONE
I’ve been lying through my teeth.
I’m not proud of it but maybe by being honest I can help other ladies who feel the same way feel better about themselves. So here goes…
Bianca as she appeared in Madison magazine early this year.
I do NOT feel “sexy” in my body even though I always say that I do – no matter how I look.
Ok, there I said it. I know, I know, I’m meant to be a Hooplarian – we the race of women that do not need to look like Miley Cyrus to feel sexy. But I’m here to tell you that I feel I may in fact be speaking on behalf of quite a few women when I say that is BULLSHIT.
I have put on weight (12 kg to be exact) due to medication I was prescribed for my generalised anxiety disorder (and before you point your perfectly manicured finger and call me crazy, I hate to tell you but one in four people go undiagnosed with this, so look around you, sunshine – you or someone you know and love has this too).
Anyway, I was always the girl that “felt comfy in her skin”. I’m a “role model” apparently (well that’s what it says when I google myself) when it comes to body image.
But I had a real wake-up call and moment of shitty clarity as I sat in a cafe the other day.
Has this happened to you lately? I’m there with my best friend when some hot 20-something in tiiiiiiiny little denim hot pants leans over me to grab a magazine. I had that moment – as most women do – when I thought I can smile and pretend that her tiny toned hot little SKINNY arse doesn’t make me feel shit about myself right now.
Or I can be really, really honest and say, YES IT DOES!!!
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93 Responses to this article
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Michelle August 1, 2012
Hey,
I have never been in your position of being accepted as “hot and sexy” (by magazine) and then growing older and moving out of that category. I think it is normal to feel the way you do because when you previously compared yourself to others you were “ahead” a lot of other women. So I guess you never learnt that comparing attractiveness to other women is not a great way to gain self esteem or feel sexy. For you a quick comparison made you feel better now it makes you feel worse.I don’t know why people compare but its a bad habit that everyone does it. Sometimes its good to know where you stand other times its devastating to self image.
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Mumabulous August 1, 2012
At least you were “hot and sexy” once. In my twenties and thirties I was described as “a standard on the bell curve” and “average” by ex boyfriends. Ouch. A couple of thoughts cross my mind when I see lovely young things (we live in a beachside suburb so I see a hell of a lot of them).
1. Enjoy it while you can because it doesnt last
2. Dont waste the pretty on “drop kick” guys. (I’m punching above my weight with my magnificent husband)
3. Its not how you look but what you do that really counts. -
Space Kidette August 1, 2012
Bianca,
The question ought to be who was it that set female currency by the way they look?
I have had days similar days but always remind myself according to MY standards (my currency is in my ability to be true to myself, true to my chosen principles and values and true to my chosen goals) I am doing my best and living on the positive side of the ledger.
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Jackie August 1, 2012
I’m 52 and since I turned 40 I have also put weight on…and I can honestly say I AM comfortable with it…it’s my body…it changes over time as it adjust to hormone changes. less activity and perhaps indulging in too many treat.
It does not change the woman I am, it does not make me less intelligent or hinder me from anything I want to. So no, I will not lie to myself and say I am hot and sexy…I never had the temerity to do that in the first place…I have just been comfortable in my own skin whether it be tight, pregnant, slightly saggy.
The main thing I know is that the people who love me love me for me…they respect me for my opinions and my beliefs. Those anonymous people who may look at me and judge me as a “fat chick” are really not on my radar and to be honest not worth my time worrying about.
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Su Dharmapala August 1, 2012
How much of this is due to the adoration of youth in our society? Do you really want her body? Because her body does come at a huge cost. The anxiety about the future. Worrying about boyfriends. Worrying about what your arse looks like during sex.
I understand anxiety, I truly do. But youthful, slight bodies are so overrated. Society applauds slimness but older women need 5-15% body fat to go through menopause. We need the fat to store the hormones.
So, darling – here is a big hug from one sister to another. I now see these girls and treat them like I would a daughter. With maternal care. I have had my day. It is over. And I am glad for it. I paid heavily to make it to 38 and goddammit, I will enjoy it.
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Beyond 40 August 1, 2012
Hi Bianca, I too felt just like you before I turned 40, I looked at myself in the mirror and realised I was moving past my youth very quickly on a road that I didn’t like… and so I changed it! I went to a gym and started eating well, not because society wanted me to but because I didn’t like me anymore and the way I looked and my relationship was slack to say the least. Now I exercise regularly, i’m involved in my two kids lives and school, work somewhere that I luv, date monthly with my husband and accept that age happens and I can either hate it or make the most of it! Has taken a couple of years, but I can honestly say I am happy with how I look, my life and my future… Embrace your age and make the most of it, you only get one chance!
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bigwords August 1, 2012
Bianca,
I too am turning 39 soon (four weeks) and I am going through the same feeling as you. I also recently put on 10 kilos and spend much time in shops looking for flowing tops. I keep trying to tell myself to feel happy in my skin and that it’s what’s inside that matters not some stereotype of what women “should be”, but still those feelings of resentment to young skinny women creep in there. You’re not alone. I find it takes these moments to make me reassess how I am living, eating, exercising. It’s about feeling healthy and happy yourself that really matters. And you, my friend, are a gorgeous woman.
From a fellow, Bianca xx -
Jacqui H August 1, 2012
I’m 45 and have had two kids later in life so, no, I don’t look 26 anymore. But I’m okay with that and I’m at the stage where I can sit back and just admire the youth and gorgeousness of younger men and women. We’re only 26 once and have to appreciate that we’ve had our go and now it’s someone else’s go. We age, we thicken around the waist. My issue is with there only being standard template for what sexy is – someone in their 20s. If you fall outside that template, you don’t count. Sexy exists as all ages and in guises.
Bianca, I know the medication doesn’t help but maybe finding something that helps you access that sexy feeling would help. I started running this year despite really hating running and now feel stronger and healthier. I feel much better about myself.
Thanks for your honesty.
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rache August 1, 2012
Hmm, sad to say Bianca I agree with Michelle. I think this says more about your attitude than anything else. I’m 50 and feel sexy as. More relaxed, more confident and a lot more sexual. I love seeing those sexy young things out there. Like on the Olympics, all those fit lithe toned young bodies. Yay for them!
Don’t compare. It’s not a competition. It should never have been a competition. You dont need to change your body, just your attitude. Its your self esteem that needs some work. -
Mel Coen August 1, 2012
You should be greatful for what you have Bianca, how many of us have been voted as most sexy in anything? Sometimes u gotta have perspective.
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SammiDownUndy August 1, 2012
There is a saying that goes “comparison is the thief of joy” but Bianca, it is hard not to compare yourself to yourself right? Parenthood, looming 40th, wrinkles that are setting in, hair that just is never the way it used to be…I look at myself in the mirror and think WTF when I consider how I looked ten years ago. I hate knowing how my mother felt when she turned 40! I’ve been the one looking at the little things in their wafer thin strips of lycra and thinking “ugh”. Once upon a time some older woman probably thought the same of me when I was in my ‘showy showy’ phase. But consider this and feel better. Went out the other weekend with a friend and we were Mummies off the chain. Bit drunk, bit silly, at a club/bar full of 20 somethings. And do you know where all the 20something lads were? Chatting us up. Wrinkles, wobbly tummies, Bridget Jones’ undies and all. Sure, it’s a bit of a laugh for the lads, flirting with the cougars but you should have seen the 20 somethings in all their minxy little outfits giving us the daggers. Plenty still to feel good about m’love because nothing but nothing is sexier than confidence. You’re awesomesauce. Just don’t forget you have the recipe for it.
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Merrin August 1, 2012
Hi Bianca, I know the feeling all too well. I am approaching 48 and am also 10kg overweight but hell love, you look loads better than I do in the raw! hahahha
I have cellulite EVERYWHERE and have done from a young age…inherited that ugly gene from someone. Both of my sisters don’t suffer from it and both are lean tiny size 10 women (one is 46 the other is 51) and I envy their bodies terribly. They always look great when we get together and I feel like a fat frump in my size14 clothes.
When someone shouts, “Let’s all go for a swim at the beach”, I am the first to make an excuse not to go with them. I am humiliated by my body and the fact they both can still wear bikinis! And here comes pork chop me wearing my knee length boardies and cozy top that covers up the jelly belly. No sireee, not on your life.
You and I both need major self-image self-esteem therapy I think lol. Chin up, you’re not even 40 yet! -
Lola August 1, 2012
Well said! I am in exactly the same position. I am closer to 40 than 30 these days and last year received treatment for previously undiagnosed anxiety and depression. The medication has made me blow out 15kg and I have had the experience -a few times now- of strangers asking me ‘when are you due dear?’ (I’ve faaaaarking ‘forgotten’ to have kids too! That belly is ALL me!) It’s such balls! You want to stay proud and love the PERSON you are not the look, but I don’t know this body. Even after a year I am shocked when I catch a reflection, or when I jog that parts of me move independently of the rest of my body. It’s disgusting. Salt in the wound when you’re already feeling shit because of depression & anxiety.
Thanks though Bianca, I feel like some weight’s been lifted with this little rant! Nice work lady! -
Lola August 1, 2012
Well said! I am in exactly the same position. I am closer to 40 than 30 these days and last year received treatment for previously undiagnosed anxiety and depression. The medication has made me blow out 15kg and I have had the experience -a few times now- of strangers asking me ‘when are you due dear?’ (I’ve faaaaarking ‘forgotten’ to have kids too! That belly is ALL me!) It’s such balls! You want to stay proud and love the PERSON you are not the look, but I don’t know this body. Even after a year I am shocked when I catch a reflection, or when I jog that parts of me move independently of the rest of my body. It’s disgusting. Salt in the wound when you’re already feeling shit because of depression & anxiety.
Thanks though Bianca, I feel like some weight’s been lifted with this little rant! Nice work lady! -
Rach August 1, 2012
Hugs, Bianca.You may not be 20 but you are stunning and you have a body many would kill for, me included. Even so I know what you mean. The skinny young things do my nut. Makes me sad I didn’t appreciate my much flatter stomach in my teens/twenties – I always just wanted to be skinnier.
This week I’ve been experimenting with turning nasty thoughts about my body into positive ones, and it is making me happier and less inclined to fixate on flaws, which is a huge step up for me. I’ve also started one of those hippy dippy gratitude journals (happy rambles website if you’re interested) because I think I need a daily reminder about what I have, as opposed to what I haven’t achieved. BTW, I too am TURNING 39 – only in IN FOUR DAYS. Something about that number!? -
Melander August 1, 2012
Oh I’m with you….
Only worse. In putting on weight (two kids and a pre-pregnancyoedema issue)I’ve also given up on all aspects of presentation. My inner megaphone blares “You’re fat, there’s no point” every time I consider shopping *cringe*.
My clothes are all second hand or op-shot therefore are a very mixed bag (apart from my annual jeans and magic work pants splurge). I very rarely get my haircut and the grey is just starting to creep into my red hair. I wear mascara and clean my glasses (they’re alright) and that’s about it. -
Angela August 1, 2012
HI Bianca – think you’re just one of our fabulous ‘new-age’ feminists. You’re just not scared to admit what alot of people are thinking – comparison is natural – which bird has the most beautiful plummage! Just turned 41 myself, re-married to gorgeous guy who thinks i’m totally HOT! but I feel uncomfortable in my clothes and my hips hurt because I’ve always been slim and am now carrying too much weight for my small frame. I suppose I really look at it as more a health (and mental health) issue – how my weight effects the way my body works – which in turn gets me down. But having said that I still feel self-possessed and know that I’m sexy in my own way – yep occasionally I’d LOVE to fit back into my size 10′s but the reality is, unless I work reeeeeally hard, that ain’t gonna happen! Thanks for your honesty, that’s just something that we don’t often see anymore.
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Bianca Dye August 6, 2012
wow I am really touched & blown away by the honest meaninigful raw & truthful commets up here ladies…
your right – i should not set my self value “currency” at how i look – i know i know i know ! but sometimes i cant help it?!
im not proud of it – but I have grpown up in a showbiz world where THAT was valued – yukky i know! Isee girls doing the samew stuff I did years ago & i want to warn them its a shallow road to nowhere unless your self esteem is really string – mine wasnt i hate to admit – im still working on that too… im doing hypnosis to see where this wrrteched self loathing came from & how I can deal with it as an adult because it was set as a child… i really fell a warm comfort wash over me as i read all the comments from you saying you feel the same… so im NOT A CRAZY OLD JEALOUS TART after all!? ( lol well maybe I am – but dare I say im not alone?!) thanku xxxx
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sharon T August 1, 2012
1st world feelings Bianca. Most of us at sometime think and feel that, but it should only be for a moment. Put it out of your mind, and be thankful for your circimstances – now and then. It’s called growing up.
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Dolly August 1, 2012
I have had that very familiar struggle with body image. Truth is it depends where you want to stand to look at yourself. All through school I was the best friend of the most popular girl and no matter how much I dieted I just couldn’t get my height above 5’2″. In my early twenties I worked for a fashion photographer. These people did not judge me. They didn’t even see me. If you want to punish yourself for the things you weren’t born with this is a perfect environment. In my mid twenties I was baffled by the attitude of my new co workers some of whom thought I was a stuck up bitch (because I said ‘bra-nch not branch) and one who assumed I had sailed through school and been handed everything on a silver platter because when SHE compared my blonde hair and blues eyes to her roman nose and glasses I became the prettiest girl in school and she was the book owl. My point is EVERYTHING IS RELATIVE.
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Mrs Mac August 1, 2012
Oh Bianca, I hear your pain. Its hard to adjust when you body changes. I hit my late 40s and menopause and on the weight went. It was very difficult … at first. Then I decided rather than feel bad about it, to do something. OK, the weight is still there but now I go to the gym and run and I am probably healthier than I have been in 20 years. I dont want to look like a 20 something anymore – I just want to look like a healthy, stylish woman – not a girl. Sure I have cellulite now and a bit of a muffin top but my husband thinks I am the sexiest woman alive and “that” makes me feel sexy. Nature is what it is and sooner or later our bodies change – you dont have to give up and go to clothes that hide you and the woman within, just changing your attitude and making the most of what you have and holding yourself confidently is one of the most sexy attributes a woman has … look at Kate Cebrano – seriously one of the most attractive, sexy women on this planet and she is not a size 8. There is a real freedom in accepting yourself and with that, comes confidence and sex appeal.
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Valerie August 1, 2012
I hear you, I feel it and I think it’s totally legit.
The only thing I will add is that after I turned 40 (almost 4 years ago), I found myself walking down the street with a new and secret thrill that I didn’t give a c*#p what teenagers or random men in bars thought of how I looked (I’m picturing myself walking along Darling Harbour in Sydney as I type this).
The odd effect of this change… I naturally got healthier, fitter and a bit lighter. You could have knocked me down with a feather. Actually, it would take something a little more substantial to knock me down. It wasn’t that dramatic.
But I agree… cut-off-shorts-with-the-pockets-hanging-out sexy, no. Grounded-healthy sexy, maybe a bit more. -
Edwina August 1, 2012
I think you make an interesting point Bianca. It’s fine to intellectually break it down and repeat glib truisms about beauty being skin deep and it all just being a patriarchal mechanism for control anyway ra ra ra, but I think everyone knows what it’s like to have doubts and feel shitty because you see someone hotter. Kudos to you for saying it.
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Jackie August 1, 2012
I can’t honestly say I have never felt jealousy or envy on how another woman looks…I celebrate our differences and if we were all built the same what a boring lot we would be….we have wonderful nooks and crannies fit for exploring…our bodies are magnificent in all their shapes and sizes.
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HillbillySkeleton August 1, 2012
Bianca,
Check out how Nigella Lawson dresses to suit her womanly body shape. And she is regularly put into ‘Sexiest Women on the Planet’ lists. Just learn how to accentuate your curves and make them scream ‘Hotter than a 20yo toothpick in cut-offs!’ Men actually like a woman to look curvaceous. Look at Kim Kardashian. Only other women seem to be envious of skinny girls. -
Ali Waller August 1, 2012
I think that it’s great that you are being so honest. Some people do feel comfortable putting on weight as they get older ….some don’t. I think the key is to be honest with yourself and then it usually takes being honest with others about how you feel to change things… so you are happy. It’s alot harder for some than others….but there are always changes that can help. I don’t think it’s about being competitive with other women , although if you allowed yourself to be ranked in some womens body comp you kinda set yourself up for this. I find that entire way of thinking so harmful to all women, young girls and now for you too who have been apart of that kind of promotion. You are still feeling the negative repercussions of that way of thinking. It demoralises women. I have three daughters, 12, 17 and 19. We talk alot about being healthy….if they aren’t happy with their weight we talk about what they could do to feel better, happier, healthier…..but they have grown up knowing that we are all different shapes and sizes and so how could we possibly compare ourselves to each other in that way. I remember my middle girl Josie coming to me one day as a toddler with a Barbie doll someone had given her (not me! ) and said” Why do all the Barbies have to have long blonde hair” I looked at the doll and she’d cut a cute little pixie hairdo for her . I loved that, i thought…..yes, she’s getting it! But yes, I agree, I’m 48 and yes, some days i notice I’m looking older! (most days I don’t have time to notice)
Do yoga….you’ll feel better I promise……and your arse will thank you.P.S You are gorgeous!
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Ruby Wildflower August 1, 2012
B,
My eyes were immediately drawn to the Madison pic before I read the article and my first thought was “fuck me, I wish I could look that stunning in the nude”. And I’m 28 and on the smaller end of a size 12.
Self perception is an delusional bastard.
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Kerri Sackville August 1, 2012
For one thing, I have an anxiety disorder too – I just published a book about it – so don’t for a SECOND feel bad about that.
For another thing, I’m not overweight but I’m constantly looking at my wrinkles and saggy tummy and saggy boobs and trying trying TRYING to feel comfortable with them. It’s hard, getting older and seeing your face and body change. All you can do is sit with the discomfort, I guess, and remember that no-one is as harsh on you as you are on yourself. You look gorgeous to me, TRULY.
Thanks for such a fabulous and honest piece. SO much more empowering than the ‘I feel so great about myself’ shit. xxxx-
Bianca Dye August 6, 2012
KERRI SACKVILLE i would like to read your book on anxiety asilan to write one too
where can i buy one? x
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housegoeshome.com August 1, 2012
Thank you Bianca for making me feel like I’m not alone. When I blogged about how I felt about being in my 40s – http://housegoeshome.com/2012/07/27/who-are-you-in-your-40s/ – my husband was horrified (he wanted to pack me off to a therapist) and commenters told me to stop feeling sorry for myself. But sometimes it helps to write about the insecurities instead of bottling them up.
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Miranda Muer August 1, 2012
Sexiness is an attitude….not a body shape/size/age.
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Colin August 1, 2012
I’ll just get straight to the point – I can relate. And I’m a guy. 39 in a couple of months. Weight gain due to medication. Knowing you’re OK and feeling it can be poles apart. Cheers for the article.
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InstTwitter L August 1, 2012
Bianca face it, your hot….. My wife is if a similar shape and she’s hot.
All this body image stuff is ludicrous, I’ve never been attracted to these girls who look like they need a good feed.Real women have curves, they don’t look like starving Africans in the clothing of 12yr old kids!!
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Kelly Hoehne August 1, 2012
Love this.
I do exactly the same thing – prance around pretending to feel hot in a size 12-14 … and if I’m honest, I squeeze into a size 12 most of the time.
I marvel at how I felt super fat five years ago when I was 65kg. Now i’m 80kg on a good day and I wish I was 65 again.
Prob is…I’m just not willing to live in a world without wine, cheese and treats. I’m also not willing to slave for hours at the gym…so 80kg it is. My boobs look fabulous – and really, that is the only up.
I just hope in five years time I’m not looking back at 80kg with envious eyes from a scale weight of 95kg. Then I’d be going for Biggest Loser auditions. EEEk
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Sally August 1, 2012
Role model, schmole model. They’re not looking at us or, for the most part, listening to us, kid. But it’s lovely looking at them,and listening to them, too. I work in the unforgiving world of magazines, and all of my colleagues are young enough to be my children – possibly grandchildren if I’d started young enough – which I didn’t… ever. They are gorgeous. Sure, I get a bit freaked at being a 56-year-old in a 20-something’s world, but they’re cool, clever, interesting and inspiring to be around. Gawd knows what they think of me, but, you know what – it really doesn’t matter that much. You look pretty good to me – and that silly, shiny black number you’re wearing in the ‘before’ shot makes you look far more ludicrous than you do in your own skin.
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Reannon August 1, 2012
I hear ya! But I’m only 33! I’m bigger than I’ve ever been & I’m comfortable in my skin, I know who I am but do I wish I was the same size I was 5, 10 or 15 years ago? OF COURSE!!! I was tiny & fit. The real kicker is I didn’t appreciate the body I had then. I was forever putting myself down, never happy with my body. I was a fool!
I’ve accepted I’ll never be the ” hot girl” again but it doesn’t mean I don’t wish I still was. -
Jane Caro August 1, 2012
I think you have a beautiful body. It is real and womanly. Before, at least in that shiny black outfit, you don’t even look human, but like a fetish object.
One of the great challenges of growing older is letting go of external beauty and being the admired object of male eyes.
I travelled to Europe with my husband and daughters (then 16 and 19 and super-stunning) and experienced complete invisibility. The girls attracted many blokes to our cafe tables etc. They’d talk to my husband – mon pere – but their eyes always flicked past me, as if I simply wasn’t there.
Until I opened my mouth, of course, and then they usually paid attention. I wasn’t cross or aggressive but I’d often make them laugh. I did enjoy that.
That’s where I find my subversive pleasure now. I might look like a typical middle aged woman but I sure as hell don’t behave like one.
i can’t tell you how much more fun that is than worrying about being “hot”.
Once you get used to being older – and I am 55 now – it can be intensely liberating. I don’t have to please anyone anymore. -
mangolightly August 1, 2012
I think it must be harder for women who were once hot and sexy and famous for that to face growing older and changing body image. Those of us who have never been considered hot and sexy have learnt from a young age to accept ourselves and have thick skin at thoughtless comments by others.
Bianca, if you haven’t already read about or seen the documentary by Katie Piper- called my beautiful face about a beautiful young woman whose face was disfigured. It really is an eye opener to
see how she has to cope with her new face after once being considered a beauty. It will get everything into perspective. -
Katie August 1, 2012
Forget about your weight. Just jog or cycle – get that pulse rate up a bit (but not too much) – for 20 minutes every second day rain hail or shine (more or less) and go to the gym to tone the upper body twice a week.
It made a huge difference to everything. I did it no matter what (more or less) no matter how shitty I felt, and no matter what else was going on. Don’t obsess if you miss a day – just keep going.Also absolutely great for anxiety or depression. Not to mention self-esteem. Worked for me – “just do it”
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VRog August 1, 2012
Having never been considered “hot” by modern standards, I can’t really relate, but I do sympathise. Sometimes I think ugly chicks like me have it easier in the ageing (and widening!) stakes because we’ve never had that adoration from external sources and so have never based our self-esteem on the gaze of others.
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Dee August 1, 2012
LOL, Bianca, you are now my “role model” for being honest to myself!
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Rivka August 1, 2012
Sorry gals, but I don’t empathize. I’m 61, and my body never felt or looked as good. I watch what I eat, but I eat everything and I drink wine. I eat till I’m full, then I stop. I adore food and if I’m tempted to over-eat, it’s usually because I’m cold or lonely or tired. I’ve learned to be aware of what I need and attend to it. I’m slimmer and yes – taller (‘cos of yoga) – than I used to be. Exercise is pointless – you have to run a mile to make up for a slice of toast. It’s healthier and more relaxing to lie around and skip the toast. I look best and am most comfortable in tight skimpy clothes and short skirts. My hair is a wonderful mix of steel and white. I cut it myself (hair-dressers are a time wasting rip-off). I’ve been on RSVP and had to fight them off. I I look my age and love it. If I’m feeling bad, I just look in the mirror and it cheers me up. I feel more sexy now than when I was pre-menopausal, but don’t long for sex with a partner because, in my not inconsiderable experience, 95% of the time it’s underwhelming. The men on RSVP belong to a peculiar underclass; they’re harmless enough but are essentially incompetent and inadequate – don’t waste your time.
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Alice Shaw August 1, 2012
I get you. I pretty much feel like shit about the way I look. I know I need to eat less and exercise more but I let life get in the way. At Christmas when my cousin introduced us to his 24 year old stunning blonde perfect figured girlfriend (who is a really lovely girl by the way) I felt like an old frump. Did it motivate me to work out and eat carrot sticks.. no. I hope I can feel more motivated once this wicked winter ends and it’s daylight savings again. For now I will start my diet/exercise regime every Monday and I hope that eventually it sticks.
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Lyn Mauger August 1, 2012
I feel the same as you Bianca, comparing myself to the me I was 10 years ago. But not long ago an 80 something woman pointed out to me that the future me will look back at the present me and think how gorgeous I was!
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Miss Brown August 1, 2012
I think it’s normal to look at younger girls and feel envious. I’m 31 with 3 kids and although I feel pretty good about myself I sometimes see an old photo of me at 21 and I long for that beautiful body again. I ran into a woman I hadn’t seen since high school the other day, and while she looked great, she was admiring my kids saying, “you’re so LUCKY”. The grass is always greener.
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Miss Brown August 1, 2012
By the way your boobs are AWESOME< I wish my rack looked that good!!
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Lauretta August 1, 2012
Forget about body image. It’s guaranteed to make you feel rotten about yourself at any age. Celebrate your strengths, especially those that come with age. Wisdom, experience, knowledge. Look after the health of your mind and body. These are the things that matter most.
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Better @ 40 August 1, 2012
I have to say that I feel better at above 40 then in my 20′s. I was overweight after having my twins,suffered pnd and basically got told by my doctor loose weight or start planning your funeral. I lost 30kgs and now in the best shape of my life, better then when I was in my 20′s, more confident and I don’t give a woop what the skinny little things are wearing or doing because I’m now happy with me!
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Deborah August 1, 2012
You’re size sexy, Bianca. A little story… I was sitting with a friend on the beach one day and we were both lamenting about our bodies. There were golden goddesses all around, basking in the sun. We had started a new rant about our legs when, off to the left, a man with one leg made his way onto the sand. He dropped his crutch and hopped, unaided into the ocean, smiling broadly as he did. Shame coloured my cheeks. “Fuck this”, I said,”the last one to the water is a rotten egg”. I had realised that I too, had a crutch. Mine was in my mind. If he could drop his, then sure as hell, so could I. Fly baby fly. X
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Alice Shaw August 2, 2012
Great comment Deborah
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Lisa August 1, 2012
Even those skinny women have body issues, speak to a few of them and l’m sure you’ll feel happy in your own body once again. Just remember real women have curves.
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Louisa August 1, 2012
I think it is unacceptable that medication has such serious side effects as massive and rapid weight gain. Aside from the psychological impact that you’ve described, it increases the risks for heart disease, diabetes etc. People with psychotic illnesses die an average of 15 to 20 years earlier than others (apart from Indigenous folk where it is about the same). The side effects of medication contributes to the years of life lost. I am one of these people and approaching the average life span and weigh 93 kgs. I hate being overweight and I hate it when people say “yes, but at least you’re not crazy anymore” as if massive weight gain is a fair price to pay. It’s not fair. On my good days I accept that it is what it is and there are more good days than bad.
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anna August 1, 2012
I would have been really hot in the 1500′s renaissance painting!…thanks for your honesty, Bianca, I think we all feel that way some times, glass of wine, cheese, olives, vanity fair, make it all go away……
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shelley August 1, 2012
Bianca your candid thoughts are excellent but I do feel you may need a wake up call. And here it is….BRRRRing BRRRRing, hello there. You seem to be focussing on the wrong thing. There is more to life than being considered hot and sexy, waaaayyy more. Start looking NOW! Life is too short to worry about the stuff you are worrying about. Besides, the ‘Hot and Sexy’ young things of today won’t stay that way and you know that. So please stop looking in the mirror and look inside yourself instead. With love, xxxx
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Lisa August 1, 2012
Do you take any responsibility for making other women feel like this, when you happily posed in a mens mag and continued to perpetuate the stereotype that you have to be skinny to be hot?
The way you feel now is the way you and other women make everyone else feel everyday when you pose for magazines that photoshop and airbrush skinny young things.
Sorry Bianca but I don’t feel sorry for you at all, welcome to the club. welcome to reality for how over 60% of the female population feel everyday.-
Bianca Dye August 6, 2012
yes Lisa you are right – i DID help perpetuate low self esteem in some women when I posed for FHM all those years ago & the point is- i feel shit for that -?! but thats the industry I work in & I succumbed to it all.. bullshit & all….
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Matt August 1, 2012
Bianca, this is a very brave article for you to write. Congratulations. I’m male, 40 and have been overweight at times in my late 30′s by at least 10kgs. And I was definitely unhappy about it. I tried diets and at one stage even considered cosmetic surgery. But then when I turned 39 I too had a moment of clarity. I stopped worrying what 24 year old men looked like and started to compare myself to men of my own age. Those that still looked great and attractive to women, what do they do, how do they live their lives?
I found the answer. They exercise and they love it. Group exercise is awesome as it makes you commit and forces your body to do things you never thought possible. You also get encouragement from the group.
So if you want to be that ‘HOT’ chick again, check out other ‘Hot’ 40 year old women and find out what they do to stay in shape.
Dieting alone never lasts. We can’t expect to live like we did in our 20′s and expect our bodies to remain unaltered. So the bitter truth is ya gotta move it, watch what you eat (without being ridiculous) and find rigorous exercise you enjoy so you stick to it. At least 3 times a week, more if you can.
I promise you there isn’t a person in their 40′s who is in great shape but doesn’t exercise. As my Bootcamp instructor (30 something female who lost 20kg over 18 months) says, “Just get it done!” -
Virginia August 1, 2012
Deborah (seven posts back).. WOW. What a way to put everything back into perspective. Post of the day – well done.
Bianca: I’ve always looked up to you and your daring, strong, bold, don’t-give-a-rats attitude. People love you because you’re YOU.
A well-known musician friend once told me that despite having “chicks on tap” he had “no interest” in pursuing pretty girls who are “a dime a dozen”.
Love yourself, Lady! We all think you’re incredible X
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Rachael August 1, 2012
I know that unfortunately society is obsessed with youth and how people look, but there is so much more to a person than their appearance. Bianca, you are a successful woman who’s accomplished so much and like Virginia, I admire your attitude.
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RobynMarie August 1, 2012
Bianca, please don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re funny and smart AND beautiful. You don’t need to feel bad about weight gain or anxiety or whatever. You are funny and smart and beautiful, ignore allthe other ‘advice’ Yes it’s all coming from a good place lalalala… F… the haters and the skinny young biatches. Shall I tell you again? You are funny and smart and beautiful….
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Rosie August 1, 2012
Ah, Bianca,
If you want to see some amazing, talented, older (and younger) full bodied, curvaceous, confident and sexy women of every size, check out the Miss Pin-up Australia competition. Yes it is a beauty pageant but vintage, 50′s based and open to any woman in Australia and has strict rules about nudity, you can’t show anything, not even your belly button!
The Va-Va Voom category (size 14 +) always gets the biggest cheers. Check out any rockabilly and pinup clothing store and you will see what I mean.
I used to be really skinny (size 8) and now after two kids and turning 35 I have a big arse (size 14) and I love it! I padded out my costume in the Miss Pin-up Australia comp earlier this year to make it look bigger still and made my waist look tiny in the process. It just depends how you hold yourself and how comfortable you are. Anxiety medication notwithstanding, you are a successful and intelligent woman, what’s not to love?
Just don’t compare yourself so much to young women. You are older, wiser and more confident than them. Walk tall and smile knowingly. -
Kylie August 1, 2012
Loving yourself and hating yourself are flip sides of the same coin, avoid the whole thing and get curious about where all these thoughts and feelings are taking you and go with it.
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nath August 1, 2012
bianca, you have fantastic tits, you should feel good about them
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Mary Longford August 1, 2012
I love seeing young women out looking beautiful. It makes me feel happy because I remember the feeling of knowing I looked smokin’. Now I feel classy and grown up and I am not letting that go by feeling bitter and dare I say bitchy towards young women. I had my day now it’s their turn.
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rache August 2, 2012
Hear, hear!
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Mary Longford August 1, 2012
And there are some sad comments on this post. We haven’t learned a thing i fear
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Trousersrolled August 2, 2012
Bianca, I’m 10 years older than you, and I must admit that when I was in my thirties I felt envious and insecure seeing all those “hot” young things skipping about. But that was a phase, a kind of transition, I guess, which has definitely passed. I must say I enjoy looking at young women – I see that they are gorgeous in the way that all young people are. The thing that ruins it for them is that they are urged to compare themselves with others, be skinnier, sexier, whatever than their friends. That’s a recipe for disaster. And, unfortunately, we reap what we sow, as can be seen from your reaction to your current body. All I can say is: this, too, shall pass!
As for me now, I feel pretty good – I’ve had a life-threatening illness, which is now on its way out (I hope), and I’m just happy to be around and be able to enjoy things, such as my wonderful son and husband. I try to take care of my body, not eat too much, exercise in moderation, etc., and I think I look all right. But the best thing is that I feel comfortable with myself and no longer feel any desire to compare and contrast – it’s a waste of time. -
Faith August 2, 2012
I agree Alice. Deborah’s reality check works for me!
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Virginia August 2, 2012
Another interesting piece/perspective on being a woman and the joys of getting older: http://t.co/UnauAYwW
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Emma August 2, 2012
Try Roller Derby! No better way to feel good about your body whatever your size! Age isn’t a barrier, I know women who player who are over 40 and a few who have 4 kids! I’m 35 and not until two years ago did I ever feel good about my body. Derby changed that, having a strong body can’t be topped! I now have a 9 week old baby and dream of starting training again coz the feeling is so good!
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Danny Dix August 2, 2012
Bianca, I love your figure. Like you, I have the perfectly sculptured, classically beautiful body. We have both had the sense to cover it in a protective layer of excess protein so it doesn’t get scratched. Brilliant idea right?
It’s a lucky lucky guy who gets to tuck his slippers under your bed.
Enduring attraction isn’t just physical…..sure, a tight ass and impossible tits might score you a shallow short term affair with Mr Wrong …… But Physically motivated relationships are for kids. The divorce courts are standing room only with tight asses and Mr Wongs on the way out of Dodge.
The vast majority of folk are the proud owners of average bodies.
Our bodies after all are just natures way of getting our personalities from A to B.
Bods come in a whole variety of shapes and sizes, weights and colours.
It’s more fun that way.
If Everyone were tall and skinny, or everyone short and luscious, that would be boring no?
Variety is the spice of life.
Love what you were given cos there’s someone out there that who is crazy for exactly your personality and body type.
In a world of cars, some girls can be likened to Honda civics, and some to Hummers. If you were to ask most guys, they would choose a Hummer, hands down. Lol -
cass August 3, 2012
I totally feel what you feel bianca its good to see someone having the guts to admit what all women feel at one stage in their life. it makes you yearn to be apart of other cultures where the beauty myth does not exist. But I am a big believer in things could always be worse. I have always been very insecure about my smaller sized boobs until I watched a show called embarrassing bodies. I felt so sorry for some of these people who had real problems it made me feel abit stupid about my insecurities and taught me to be more thankful for what I do have and not what I dont have.
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Bianca Dye August 6, 2012
y keyborad is broken so pleae excuse my SPLLING ladies!! LOL
aghhhhhhhhhhhh -
Bianca Dye August 6, 2012
for the record – i am in NOOOO way looking for any sympathy in writing this – all im saying is – if you secretly feel this way sometimes- you are not alone ladies thats all.. please dont read TOO much into it??
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Me August 6, 2012
Hi Bianca, There is no doubt that in our society good looks are a form of power and if you perceive you have lost some of that for whatever reason, its not easy to feel ok about it. Have you tried aerobic exercise (i.e. working up a sweat for at least 30 min 3 or more times a week) for the anxiety? You might find it has a double benefit for you. I suggest you find an outdoors exercise bootcamp group so that you can enjoy the company of others and the feeling of obligation to join the class (so boring to train on your own). I find this form of exercise helps me with mood, weight, general health/well being and body shape. It feels good to feel strong in your body – I am 53 and work out at least 4 mornings a week, 3 outside running etc and one at the gym with weights. I am not what you would call a great athlete or a good runner – but I do my best. Just do it!!
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Lavelle August 6, 2012
Sounds like a bad hair/body day to me, B. and remember, the skinny minnies have their own issues, and yes, there is the gym! Xxx
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foolio August 7, 2012
From the number of 40-year-old woman who say they are 10kg overweight, I’d say being 10kg “overweight” might actually mean we are all a “normal” weight. Hell, let’s just redefine normal.
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ellenni August 8, 2012
its true to say its how you feel inside and you dont feel good so do something about it. only you can help you. i am overweight, gray and an old lady but i try. i wear clothes which suit my size and shape and i accessorize. i love scarves, wraps, big beads, great watches, bags and jewellery. i have enough of what i want and more than i need. take a good look at yourself, fix what is wrong and fix it soon before depression sets in because you dont want to go there. go to it girl. read danny dix a couple of times – its all there.
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Youth is wasted on the young August 9, 2012
I love your honesty Bianca! I used to turn heads up till a few years ago for all the right reasons but now realise it’s my daughters’ turns to enjoy looking young and lovely. In a way it has freed me up to not worry about how I look as much and just try and accept ageing gracefully….but I still have some beautiful clothes in my wardrobe that I’d LOVE to be able to fit into like I once did…maybe time to pass them onto my daughters again. They are loving my 1980s gear!!
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Daniel August 23, 2012
I think it’s such a shame you feel that way. Speaking as a male in his mid-20s, I think you’re more attractive in that photo you posted than I’ve ever seen any tiny Miley-Cyrus-type look. I don’t know how it was decided that the ideal woman should look like she’s only halfway through puberty, but I do not subscribe to it one bit. And if I were a patron at that cafe, I’d be upset that some little girl was blocking my view of a beautiful woman.
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Carolyn August 23, 2012
I was never voted sexiest anything either, although will grudgingly admit to using my boobs and bum as currency during my 20s.
At almost 39, I can honestly say it doesn’t bother me now. I’m not super thin and hot, and I’m not overweight either. I keep active and eat reasonably well but my focus has shifted over the past ten years to other things that make me feel good about myself: career, kids, husband, friends, hobbies…I can honestly say I’m too busy to dissect my appearance compared with that insecure but aesthetically more pleasing girl I was 15 years ago.
And when I do, I think those girls in the tiny hotpants have so much in front of them – great experiences that I wouldn’t swap for the tightest arse in the world.
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Frankster August 27, 2012
Bianca,
To me you have ALWAYS been hot. Honestly. Please don’t feel like you’re not, you are bloody gorgeous and a lot of fun. Bastardi non corporundum..in other words, dont let the bastards grind you down.
Enjoy life and take time for you occasionally..we’re only here once.
Cheers,
Frankster -
Eve October 10, 2012
Hi Bianca,
I grew up listening to you on the radio on the coast, and saw you around occasionally as you knew some of my family.
As a chubby teenager I adored your feistiness, your wicked sense of humour, your drive, your confidence, your work ethic, your figure and your life. You were an inspiration for me to become the woman I am today. Which is a relatively successful, funny and smart chick. Who happens to still be a chubster.
I understand being uncomfortable in your own skin, the feeling of just wanting to peel layers off.
But. I’m more than my big bum and cellulite. It’s just a small facet of me as a whole. I’m happy that my body gets me out of bed in the morning and I like who I am. In part, I have you to thank for it.
Be gentle with yourself, even if you don’t like how you look I think you’re amazing.
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Coco December 27, 2012
It’s a strange old world Bianca. I dealt with many younger women in my work, and I kept encountering these clear skinned, overwhelmingly physically healthy, bright eyed, smart enough to get into uni young women who look good enough to eat endlessly dissecting their physical imperfections and making themselves miserable and even sick in the process.
All their limbs work, they can run for a bus without puffing, dance all night. But they they do the emotional equivalent of Chinese foot binding or Taliban’s masking of women by crippling themselves with obsessions about their looks. I am not talking models here – average young women studying to be teachers, doctors, lawyers.
How I wish I had the fairy wand to show their 50, 60 + year old selves how lovely they really are and to encourage them to spend their time revelling their bodies, not shredding it.
I tell the saddest ones, look I am plain, size 20, my lovers mostly were much better looking than me, I had a well paid professional job pre retirement that relied on my brain not looks for success, I had three serious marriage proposals so personality, wit and deft ability to cut the great ones out of the herd like a predatory lioness must count for something! Mostly gaze at me uncomprehendingly but sometimes I managed to flip a switch.
The power of social conventions at work reminds me of my now 40 year old nephews who used to proclaim 30 years ago without any sense of hypocrisy, that” mothers stayed at home and cooked while fathers went out to work”, despite the fact their mother was a working professional and father did more housework from when they were born. Their daily lived reality failed to trump the social myth magically implanted in their heads. Glad to report at 40+ they are liberated from that prison.
Black people experienced the same self hating phenomena. As did gays.
Seizing back and owning the abusive words and images yourselves in one step in re-owning the bits of the self removed or damaged. Humour is another very powerful device for detonating hypocrisy. I cite Rebel Wilson movie character Fat Amy introducing herself as “Fat Amy” – to get in first before the others do it as one example. She is not putting herself down there. She is owning the immediate potentially abusive audience as well as the wider movie one, owning the abusive words and resculpting them all into her own, sly service. Bianca – words are your trade as is entertainment. Use them like weapons to subvert the dominant reality as the old revolutionaries used to say! If you can’t make it different for you, and many times we can’t, then add your [extra] weight and exploit your position trying to make it better for those that follow. -
gogirl December 27, 2012
I’d like to be made of the kind of stuff that’d let me apply the “it’s what’s inside that counts” to myself. While I do truly believe that what’s inside is ultimately more important than the exterior, when I look in a mirror or see my reflection, it doesn’t help take the sting out of it.
Somehow as the years rolled on, my headspace found a happy little groove, pre the inevitable effects of aging – and stayed there. I think my mind’s eye needs a monocle.
I’ve always been so much happier with how I looked, in retrospect – 30 odd years on, when I see old photos, I wonder why on earth I didn’t totally love my body back then. And no doubt 30 years on from now, if I have the chance to look back, I’ll be wondering the same thing about today. That’s just the way it is.
Still, I don’t begrudge today’s tiny posteriors and smooth skin, not one bit – it will always be cyclical, and it’s their time. In 20-30 years, they’ll be bemoaning their loss, just as we’re now lamenting ours.
And so it goes on. Retain what was, celebrate what is, treasure what will be.
Maybe one day.
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Margherita Tracanelli December 30, 2012
RE BIANCA DYE , our bodies & Hal David & Burt Bacharach
Margherita Tracanelli
Number 1, I reckon Bianca Dye looks hot in that pic. and honestly, who wants to wrestle with a bag of axes in the cot?
Tiny bottoms in tiny hot pants are for little kids, not women, not teens either, so unless you’re Sally Pearson on the track put your gear on woman.
If you want to know why we get worried & upset about our bodies & how our bottoms look during sex, remember we are trying to compete with porn bottoms and other porn parts that no longer resemble the bits as they were originally deployed.
I am amazed that men haven’t sought some surgical assistance to improve the look of male genitalia. Starting with those testicles, they really gross me out. A woman who says otherwise is telling a porky. Take heart Bianca, yours was innocuous by comparison.
I don’t get why we aren’t pointing that out. Instead women are having their vaginas remodelled to resemble those of little girls… no need to tell you what that’s about.
I was told on extra super duper authority that men only care about getting their penises inside the vagina, once inside they can easily fantasise, they do not care what is going on on the outside. Cruel but true.
And while we are on the subject of fantasy – get this girls, men fake their orgasms too.
YES you heard it here first.
The admissions were made by same uber duber authority & I have done the research, not because I care, but because I was as shocked and disbelieving as you are.
Here’s another clue to our collective anxiety:
Ladies check out these lyrics with their haunting warning by Hal David and Burt Bacharach – those blokes set us straight a long time ago, we heard and we played the game.
I urge you to listen to the mind numbing but sing a long blindly being brian washed melody devised to implant this tripe into our suggestible big bottomed curler haired brains:
” Wives & Lovers”
Hey, little girl,
Comb your hair, fix your make-up.
Soon he will open the door.
Don’t think because
There’s a ring on your finger,
You needn’t try any moreFor wives should always be lovers, too.
Run to his arms the moment he comes home to you.
I’m warning you.Day after day,
There are girls at the office,
And men will always be men.
Don’t send him off
With your hair still in curlers.
You may not see him again.For wives should always be lovers, too.
Run to his arms the moment he comes home to you.
He’s almost here.Hey, little girl
Better wear something pretty,
something you’d wear to go to the city.
And dim all the lights,
Pour the wine, start the music.
Time to get ready for love.Dim all the lights,
Pour the wine,start the music.
Time to get ready for love.
Time to get ready,time to get ready for love.
Time to get ready,time to get ready for love.The implied threats about the inevitable demise of our relationships due to our inability to retain men’s affections are palpable and these blokes Hal & Burt have taught us that “men will be men” – how appalling, a woman in curlers?
I’m sorry but I look good in curlers, wish I could say the same for men in stubbies and thongs. These are simply disgusting far more offfensive yet we are meant to fall before them and give succour.
Litterally.But more importantly that song set the tone for the enormous sense of entitlement men feel about their seemingly implied right to sex and to good looking women.
I’m 54, I’m hot & yes, I have disorders.
At present I’m suffering from an adjustment disorder and I have ADHD.
Yes, I have to exercise just to wear my clothes.
Yes, I struggle to stay on top of life, and some days are bad.
Yes I too have an anxiety disorder, and I get migraines, and yes Bianca I sympathise because I took the fat drugs too.
I can’t tell what Bianca’s height is, but I’m tall. And so in 1998, on the fat (but you’ll feel fine) drugs and I went from a 10-12 to size 18-20.
I was swimming everyday, rain, hail or shine at the women’s baths at Coogee ( in between chasing away peeping Tom’s& calling the cops)
The swimming only increased my appetite, I got bigger and fatter and crankier.
My mother took pity on me, and lovingly made me ” some things that would fit”
Well, it was wearing the diaphanous gowns in a hopelessly vain attempt to retain some type of elegance & looking like a Cunard liner in full sail, that one day I saw my reflection in a very large display window, (I wouldn’t fit in a hub cap or passenger side window) & I opted off the drugs.
The fat drugs made me fat even when I exercised – that not only made me anxious, it made suicidal, & homicidal I might add when I saw small bottoms in hot pants reaching for magazines about more small bottoms in hot pants !
Yoga helps a lot, as does my electric bike, and so does the meditation and I cannot say enough about the Vitamin D 5000 iu’s day.
To 99.9% of blokes out there I have this to say – buddy have you looked in the mirror lately?
And by the way, hold it down there too.
Femonymous
we are legion
we are everywhere
our dress sizes are divided by 0
but we don’t care
we do not forgive
we don’t forget
expect us
we may be there
