A TALL POPPY GUIDE TO THE OLYMPICS
I’m not sure whether you’ve noticed or not, but the Olympics start in just over a week.
Perhaps you’ve seen some of the lead up to it. The special on Ian Thorpe on the ABC last week was a cracker.
Olympic abuse started early with Ian Thorpe… he didn’t make it so of course he deserves it.
The Twitterverse came out in force to call the Thorpedo arrogant, a loser, a waste of space, a nuisance, gay and a bunch of other well-considered names.
The guy didn’t make it into this year’s Olympic squad, so he definitely deserves it.
We even got into a bit of pre-Olympic warm up by abusing Luke Nolen, the jockey who rode Black Caviar to an historic win at Royal Ascot. The bloody idiot made a mistake and by god, did we let him know it. What a dickhead. Sure, the horse still won but that’s not the point. The point is Nolen isn’t perfect and he needs to be reminded of that.
So, with the Olympics about to start, it’s time to hit our true blue ‘Come on, you bloody mug, stop stuffing it up!’ stride. And to make sure we’re all on the same page, I’ve put together a little Guide To Watching The Olympics Like A Proper Bloody Aussie.
Number One: Over the coming week, tell everyone you know how much you hate the Olympics. This is to ensure you look nonchalant and groovy. Rant about how overrated it is, how our nation spends too much money on sport and how everyone is on steroids anyway, so the whole thing is meaningless. Also throw in some stuff about how stupid the uniforms look.
Then watch the opening ceremony, get overcome with sentimentality and national pride and start organising your social schedule around the dressage semi-finals.
Number Two: Don’t waste your time boning up on the rules of the sports you are going to watch. Armchair expertise is all A Proper Bloody Aussie needs. Sure, the last time you watched women’s hockey was two years ago during the Commonwealth Games and you didn’t really understand it then, but that doesn’t mean you can’t yell at your television this time around. Hockey is basically soccer with sticks – just apply the same barracking rules and Bob’s your uncle. If you don’t know the rules of soccer, just yell ‘That’s bullshit!’ every time an umpire blows their whistle.
Apply the ‘That’s bullshit!’ rule to all sports involving umpires and you’ll be fine.
Number Three: Publicly support our athletes. Jump on Facebook and yodel about how excited you are to see pole vaulter Steve Hooker or swimmer Libby Trickett compete. Send them hero messages.
If they lose, get back on Facebook and call them a national disgrace.
Number Four: Hate the Americans, claim the Russians are all on drugs, declare the Chinese are cheating and suspect all non-Australian women who win are actually men. It’s the Olympics: if you can’t be racist and bigoted now, when can you be?
Number Five: Australians love an underdog, so find one and get onboard. Nothing can go wrong when you love an underdog. Unless the underdog loses. Then the underdog is a bloody disappointment. It is also culturally appropriate to express your disapproval if the underdog wins more than once. Winning twice means the underdog is no longer an underdog and is now totally up themselves.
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