A TALL POPPY GUIDE TO THE OLYMPICS
I’m not sure whether you’ve noticed or not, but the Olympics start in just over a week.
Perhaps you’ve seen some of the lead up to it. The special on Ian Thorpe on the ABC last week was a cracker.
Olympic abuse started early with Ian Thorpe… he didn’t make it so of course he deserves it.
The Twitterverse came out in force to call the Thorpedo arrogant, a loser, a waste of space, a nuisance, gay and a bunch of other well-considered names.
The guy didn’t make it into this year’s Olympic squad, so he definitely deserves it.
We even got into a bit of pre-Olympic warm up by abusing Luke Nolen, the jockey who rode Black Caviar to an historic win at Royal Ascot. The bloody idiot made a mistake and by god, did we let him know it. What a dickhead. Sure, the horse still won but that’s not the point. The point is Nolen isn’t perfect and he needs to be reminded of that.
So, with the Olympics about to start, it’s time to hit our true blue ‘Come on, you bloody mug, stop stuffing it up!’ stride. And to make sure we’re all on the same page, I’ve put together a little Guide To Watching The Olympics Like A Proper Bloody Aussie.
Number One: Over the coming week, tell everyone you know how much you hate the Olympics. This is to ensure you look nonchalant and groovy. Rant about how overrated it is, how our nation spends too much money on sport and how everyone is on steroids anyway, so the whole thing is meaningless. Also throw in some stuff about how stupid the uniforms look.
Then watch the opening ceremony, get overcome with sentimentality and national pride and start organising your social schedule around the dressage semi-finals.
Number Two: Don’t waste your time boning up on the rules of the sports you are going to watch. Armchair expertise is all A Proper Bloody Aussie needs. Sure, the last time you watched women’s hockey was two years ago during the Commonwealth Games and you didn’t really understand it then, but that doesn’t mean you can’t yell at your television this time around. Hockey is basically soccer with sticks – just apply the same barracking rules and Bob’s your uncle. If you don’t know the rules of soccer, just yell ‘That’s bullshit!’ every time an umpire blows their whistle.
Apply the ‘That’s bullshit!’ rule to all sports involving umpires and you’ll be fine.
Number Three: Publicly support our athletes. Jump on Facebook and yodel about how excited you are to see pole vaulter Steve Hooker or swimmer Libby Trickett compete. Send them hero messages.
If they lose, get back on Facebook and call them a national disgrace.
Number Four: Hate the Americans, claim the Russians are all on drugs, declare the Chinese are cheating and suspect all non-Australian women who win are actually men. It’s the Olympics: if you can’t be racist and bigoted now, when can you be?
Number Five: Australians love an underdog, so find one and get onboard. Nothing can go wrong when you love an underdog. Unless the underdog loses. Then the underdog is a bloody disappointment. It is also culturally appropriate to express your disapproval if the underdog wins more than once. Winning twice means the underdog is no longer an underdog and is now totally up themselves.
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13 Responses to this article
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Robyne Young July 19, 2012
Hi Corrine, Snap! I’ve been a member of the Australian team at two Olympics – Sydney and Athens – and the whole couch commentating – I could have ridden that horse better, won Wimbledon and the Tour de France with my eyes shut’ attitude – raised my ire too. My thoughts from a couple of weeks ago on those who choose to yell from the couch. http://wp.me/p191Ei-6I
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Cate July 19, 2012
And whenever a discussion about the medal tally arises, the friend who says “Isn’t it great we’ve got 16 Silver medals so far?” must be howled down with “NO, THAT’S 16 MISSED OPPORTUNITIES.”
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Pete July 19, 2012
Can I just not watch any of it and remain nonchalant and groovy?
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Linda July 19, 2012
Very witty and entertaining as always. Personally I am in awe of anyone who has the talent and has made the sacrifices to get to the highest levels of competition. Yes I love it when an Aussie athlete or team does well But I will take my hat off to every single competitor ( and their mums, families) who have probably given up just about every weekend and family holiday to have this opportunity.
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Dee-Anne July 19, 2012
I love the Olympics. We all watch at our house and cheers too. My only gripe, hope we get to see other events where Australians may not be as competitive. Usually the commentary and view is only of Aussies.
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Kelly Exeter July 28, 2012
Ah Corinne you never disappoint! Love your work
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Airdre Grant July 28, 2012
Don’t forget to cheer the Kiwis too. They can win in sports Aussies dont care about. The rule is first Aussie, Second Kiwis and the rest are all tryhards.
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Peter Dunn August 2, 2012
The way it actually works is that all kiwis who do well are Aussies and all Aussies who perform badly are actually kiwis. That’s why Sam Niell is Australian and Russell Crowe isn’t…..
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Topdog July 30, 2012
Great story! Help us support the underdog at the London 2012 Olympics at http://www.londonunderdogs.com
Because it’s the taking part that counts!
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kid July 30, 2012
I must move in the wrong (right?) circles, because apart from the “it’s a waste of money bloody sport etc” I don’t know anyone who carries on like this. All our whinging is reserved for the dreadful “edited highlights” style free-to-air coverage. In fact, given the media’s obsession with medal counts and winning, I would suggest Corinne’s been hanging around journalists too much!
