LIFE’S TOO SHORT TO BE BUSY
As I stared at her coffin, I was haunted by two words: too busy.
Her nickname was Mangoes for the fruit grown on her parents’ farm; an exotic creature from the wilds of far north Queensland.
On our first day at university she strode into the lecture theatre, flaming auburn hair and slash of red lipstick – a modern day Greta Garbo. I was a kid from the ‘burbs; she was my first girl crush.
To the sounds of the Go-Betweens, the Saints and the Aloha Pussycats, we cut a swathe through Brisbane’s band scene. She inevitably ended up with the lead singer; me, the monosyllabic drummer*.
After three years of reckless drinking, occasional drug taking, and anti-government protesting, we decided to grow up. Mangoes flourished in the world of the written word, rising through the ranks of newspapers.
I travelled the country, building a career in broadcast journalism.
A decade later, we reunited in Sydney, and from then on every Tuesday, we would share a bottle of wine over lunch – a 90s gris replacing the 80s Green Ginger. It was as if we’d never been apart.
With a rapier wit, she would dissect the issues of the week: the nasty boss in the newsroom; her son’s obsession with tractors; hubby and his gaping boxer shorts. We giggled like schoolgirls.
But life in the big smoke took its toll. Anxiety, and its shadow of addiction, forced the family’s retreat to the country.
Our long and languid phone calls became snatched chats while picking up the kids from school, driving to work, or chopping the veggies.
She was a loyal friend to the end.
But me? Weeks became months. Calls contracted to texts. Emails, to tweets. I was always “too busy”.
As Tim Kreider writes in a New York Times essay entitled The Busy Trap, “it is a boast disguised as a complaint”.
It’s not those working 12-hour overnight shifts, or commuting by bus to three minimum wage jobs, who make this complaint; it’s a middle class affliction.
“They’re busy because of their own ambition or drive or anxiety, because they’re addicted to busyness and dread what they might face in its absence,” he writes.
We know our boss isn’t going to sit by our deathbed and say, “Thanks for all the hard work”.
Yet we fall into this tempting trap for a temporary boost to our ego. It makes us feel important – wanted, if not needed. Ultimately, it is destructive to our sense of self-worth.
So, I sit in a small funeral home staring at a shiny casket.
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24 Responses to this article
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Dannielle Miller October 9, 2012
What a beautiful, honest post. Tracey you have reminded us all to put the people we love first – not our quests to be seen as busy.
I think we fall into this trap as we yearn to feel valued and valuable and decide busy will be our new currency.
As women we have been brought up in a culture that notices us primarily for our looks when we are younger. Once we begin to age, we feel we need to find another way of “competing.” Our beauty is no longer validated in popular culture and we can begin to feel almost invisible – hence we “get to work” making ourselves feel indispensable: “I don’t know what they’d do without me!”
I also took from this the importance of nurturing our female friendships and maintaining these even though our families can keep us incredibly preoccupied. We must model for our kids that we are not just mothers, but individuals and that our interests and “play dates” are just as vital to our well being as theirs are.
Love your work Tracey. I wish we heard more voices like YOURS on radio. I can’t help but think your words are exactly those we need to hear to “RESTORE the joint.”
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Jenna October 9, 2012
I don’t have anything to add, but this is lovely Tracey. My husband and I have made decisions in our lives to focus on us and our life together, rather than making money and buying possessions. It means we are here for each other and our family.
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Nicci October 9, 2012
Oh Tracey you are so so right this really hit home with me, especially about the boss being at our death bed. Thanks for the aha momment.
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Nicola October 9, 2012
Busyness seems to have replaced wellness as a measure of our worth. Many people now ask ‘Are you busy?’ instead of ‘How are you?’. If you answer anything but ‘Yes, I’m very busy’ then you’re made to feel worthless. Our society is obsessed with busyness. We all need to slow down.
Tracey’s post is a stark reminder for us all. Thanks for your honesty. -
florally October 9, 2012
Great atrical – and yes i totally agree that “busy”can be a competitive sport IF you allow it to be. Back in our long forgotten teengae years ëverythng was “boring” now the word that rolls of the tounge in every converstaion is busy. I guess the trick to being a grownup if finding the middle ground. Sorry to hear of the loss of your friend – be kind to yourself x
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JessB October 9, 2012
Wow, this was a bit of a wake-up call to me, combined with the news from my Dad last night that a lady he grew up with is in the last stages of a battle with cancer, and has just a few weeks left to live. After speaking with him, I wondered what she will be wishing she did more of, or less of?
I have put a lot of dreams and desires on hold, waiting for the ‘right time’ or ‘right job’ or ‘right apartment’ but I never find them and just keep on waiting. I’m sick of that. I’m going to make my life what I want it to be RIGHT NOW!
I particularly loved the quote from Ghandi, “There is more to life than increasing its speed”. It’s so true. Just because I can check my email on the train, why should I? Just because I have the option to work remotely on the weekend, why should I?
I need to decide on my priorities, set some goals, and make them happen. I’m tired of living a half life, and am filled with horror at the thought of dying soon, with so much left undone. Imagine if that were really happening! Luckily I have nothing like that hanging over me, but the story of you and your friend, Tracey, has really given me the kick up the bum I needed.
Off to write a list!
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Honor October 9, 2012
I related to the story and the last post as I often find myself falling into ‘I’m too busy’,’ I’ve been so busy’ – ‘have you been busy?’
This struck a chord with me as I can see in my life I’ve certainly fell into the busyness trap and in fact get a high out of it – feel important, interestingly challenged etc. – maybe a guilty pleasure – or an avoidance of pursuing more meaningful activities…
I see ‘busyness’ as the enemy of wellbeing as it often kills building meaningful social relationships. I think ‘busyness’ values feeling valued extrinsically by the corporate world over the world of personal connections – I think this shows an underlying fear of economic scarcity and economic insecurity.
And perhaps our fear of not appearing to be busy plays into our need to feel compliant with what we all silently perceive or unwittingly believe to be the dominant social agreement that economics and the pursuit of money is more important than people and relationships.
… but it is primeval as the need to feel busy plays into our deep fear of not having economic shelter – and just to survive sometimes our lives seem to become a busy haze.
….and we do get work ticks and sometimes partner ticks for boasting of our busyness! And we actually get paid for it – if we are in fact working rather than boasting!
But we all know that the boasting of busyness does not really mean we are better at our job – and if it becomes a competition between partners in a relationship – we need to try and pull back and ask each other – when and why has busyness become such a valued thing between us?
…and likewise as a society. -
Linda October 9, 2012
Thank you for this important reminder. Logging off to take a lunch break and call a friend.
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Kaz October 9, 2012
‘Busyness is a boast disguised as a complaint ‘- so true.
As a SAHM I sometimes get the question, laced with disdain: “What do you DO all day?”. The people who ask it are the same people rushing around expecting everyone to be impressed with how much they juggle. I just see a lot of ego and a lot of self-induced stress. The same people seem to buy their kids lots of guilt -based toys and “presents” to make up for the lack of “presence” .
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Linda October 9, 2012
You know, I would love to be less busy, but…when my husband left for another woman, me with two children at a decent independent school, and subsequently neglected to pay child support, I kind of had to step up whether I wanted to or not. Sure, I could have pulled them out of school after they had lost their father so they could lose their friends too, so I could have some quality of life- but I didn’t. I set out to be both parents to them, work hard, buy a house, and create a tight little family unit. In fact, when you think about it, just what most husbands do so their wives, at least, can afford to make decisions about being less busy. On a personal level, God, how I wish I was less busy. On a purely objective level, though, we live in a nice, although not excessive, house, the kids have been well educated and appear to be thriving.
As Steve martin said, in the original Parenthood movie, when told that he ‘had’ to ask for his old job back to support the family- “my whole life is ‘have to.’” -
catecat October 9, 2012
Thank you for this beautiful article and sincere sympathy on the loss of a friend. One of my close friends died recently too, a sudden death in heartbreaking circumstances. Reading your article, I realised how lucky I was that one evening, a few months ago (ironically when I was very busy)she rang me, I dropped everything and we spent time together. It is time that I now wish we had much more of.
How much modern busy-ness is real and how much is fabricated? I am beginning to wonder. Probably being a bit philosophical at the moment, but my friend’s death was a big reminder never to take life or people for granted.
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April October 9, 2012
…and as my father once said “the cemetery is filled with indispensable people”. Now that I am retired and people ask what I do with my time I am quite honest and pleased to be able to say that it’s not a lot, usually not essential and I do it in my own time.
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Ro.Watson October 9, 2012
Thankyou Tracey ~ for another thoughtful~ and kind of beautiful~ article. As someone who is only busy in her own head/heart~ I have had the busy reason administered to me many times….there has always been something faux about this~ without wishing to engage in managerial speak like “prioritising”..Anyway, sorrry for your loss….
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Kylie October 9, 2012
So sorry for your loss Tracey .. I got to spend an hour with my best friend yesterday before she flew home to another state and it was the best hour even though I may not see her for another 12 months – as someone said to me we have more goods and services designed to make our lives easier and yet we are busier and not necessarily happier – we spoke of her grandmother who raised 11 kids in the country as as she does the dance with 2 under 3 and another on the way ..we watched her mother repeat the same comment for the 4th time as the ravages of dementia take hold of her mind and for just that little period of time I forgot all the other crap that runs our lives and just felt absolutely blessed to have this beautiful woman in my life that has been in my life since we were toddlers and my other 2 lifelong friends and the memories that we have created and the memories that I hope we will continue to create for many years
In the end it’s the moments in our lives that we share with those we love that both we and they will remember so we should make them count -
Amanda October 9, 2012
I decided long ago that despite everything we are told by society its very difficult to have it all. Trying to have a family and a high flying job is really difficult as a woman, and a lot of it is structural in the way work is set up. I have to say I have great difficulty seeing many of my friends who are trying to do both, their weekends are consumed by their children, their weekdays by their jobs. I have to be scheduled into their diaries weeks ahead if i want to see them, and unfortunately I have lost touch with several formerly dear friends this way, Its just too hard to maintain a relationship. I will say that not having children definitely gives me more time to occasionally stop, smell the roses, and see the friends who are available. I would still love to see more of my friends with families however, and I hope your article does encourage people to treasure their female friends and try to fit them into their lives. Mangoes sounds like a wonderful woman, larger than life, I’m really sorry for your loss Tracey.
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Shiralee October 10, 2012
I made a decision many years ago to have one day a week of relaxation. I do the dishes in the morning then buy the paper and then nothing for the rest of the day.
The 1 thing I don’t do often enough is call my 4 year old neice. I’m now going to call her more often. -
Juanita Phillips October 12, 2012
Tracey normally I’m “too busy” to let you know how much I’m enjoying your writing. It’s gutsy and real. And this one was wise and touching too. Yours are the first pieces I click on at Hoopla. Just enough time before the news to say: loving your work, girl.
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RustyBB October 13, 2012
Such heartfelt true words… How sad is it this is accepted as reality or the norm these days
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Virginia October 13, 2012
I think this is a great article and something I realised a couple of years ago too. I had a great friend in my youth called Brett we stayed friends since our teens and we visited each other in other states. We tried to turn our deep friendship into something more but we were very much like a ‘brother and sister’. We enjoyed living together and hanging out with each other in our groups in our 20s where we enjoyed the drunken parties etc. Then one day I met a man who was raising a son, and I turned into an adult and went on to have a baby and raise my family. My best friend was Bretts ex and she too was busy changing nappies etc. We both wanted to ‘try’ and catch up with our wonderful friend who was still in his 20s but was actually approaching 40. We hadnt seen Brett for years but it didnt matter to us, because there had been a sighting of him at a pub and we put him in the ‘late’; bucket. 2 years ago I googled his name and found out he had taken his own life, pretty much the drinking/ gambling problems had got too much and he had found a way out. Our beautiful, caring ,poet hadnt heard from us in 5 years, maybe if we had found time in our busy lifes he might have at least known that we still cared. If anyone out there has a friend who you havent spoke to in years call them
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Sere October 14, 2012
When I go through the checkout at the supermarket and am asked,
“‘How has your day been, busy?”
I have actually answered, “No, not really”.
I love to counteract the ‘business culture’. -
Tom October 16, 2012
Thank you Tracey for a very timely and important reminder, increasingly the world seems to be speeding up rather than slowing down to “take time out to small the roses”. We really do need to take stock and ensure we do say “no” as you say and really invest in creating a work / life balance and create an envirionment where we can free-up and enjoy time with our families and friends. You just never know what tomorrow holds. Whilst I have been “threatening too” for some time, as a result of reading your article this morning, I reallocated some extra time to my boys rather than just racing off to the office to be there earlier too……well that does not matter as it is not as important or as valuable as the time I spent with those who matter the most to me. now just to make it a habbit!
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Mary Longford October 23, 2012
This is a great read too Tracey. I’ve been away from Facebook for a while because it was eating my time that I could have spent talking to friends and family on the phone or doing more things with my kids…that said I missed my Hoopla updates. I know it is unpopular to sing the praises of Canberra but one of the reasons we love it over Sydney (where I lived 13 years) and Brisbane where we have both lived is that life is just a tad slower here with all the benefits of a big city. And we aren’t public servants!
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Diana Adorno October 24, 2012
Gorgeous post Tracey. It really is important to stop some times and make real choices, rather than be swept along. It is a lovely and sad reminder.
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Kate October 27, 2012
Many years ago I left the big city, an office job which entailed long hours, a tiresome boring long commute and moved to the other side of Aus for a more relaxed pace….I now live on 100 acres, work for myself in a simple job, love to wake and hear the birds in the morning and really take in my simple surrounds with few material possessions, just the basics and I’m very happy. I watch with interest a social shift happening, a slowing, the slowing is happening slowly but thank heavens its happening! When I speak with my girlfriends still living in the big smoke I can hear ‘stress’ in their voice and they are always saying how busy they are. I wonder if they are happy, they speak so fast. I love them dearly and hope that their manic lifestyles dont adversely affect their health. Thank you Tracey for your wise words, I think I’m going to tell my girlfriends about Hoopla….real quick !
