YOU GOT DUMPED? TELL US ABOUT IT

So press gallery stalwart Laurie Oakes has made the front page complaining about the Abbott Government’s refusal to answer questions from journalists.

Oakes said of the Abbott Government: “You can’t thumb your nose at the voters’ right to know and you can’t arrogantly say ‘we’ll let the voters be misinformed and we won’t help journalists get it right’. That’s just a disgusting attitude.”

Laurie

Well take a number, Mr Oakes. Get to the back of the queue. So many of us have been asking questions and have had no real answers.

Our own Corinne Grant garnered more than 40k Facebook likes with her article for The Hoopla before the election: “THE DUMBING DOWN HAS JUST BEGUN.” 

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Canberra press gallery,” wrote Corinne.”This is how politics is reported now. So I’m pretty done with political reporting at the moment. Pretty, bloody done.”

Corinne got it. We got it. Fobbed off then, and now… seriously dumped.

Pity Laurie didn’t read Corinne’s latest missive before he stood waiting, forlornly, by the phone.

No, seriously. Cry us a river.

Over to Corinne. 

 

Dear Liberals,

Hi. It’s us, the Australian public. It’s been almost two months since we started going out with you again and we just wanted to say we’re worried about where our relationship is heading.

To put it bluntly, whenever we bring up all the stuff you promised us during the election campaign, you get really upset and start banging on about how much you hate our ex, the ALP. It’s not healthy.

abbott-talking

We can’t say anything at all without you flying off the handle. We ask you what you’re going to do about the carbon tax and whoosh! There you go, ranting about how the ALP lied to us.

We ask you about asylum seekers and bang! You start yelling, “We’re not calling them asylum seekers any more, we’re calling them illegals!” Jeez. Settle down. We didn’t ask you to look after them or let them live here or anything, we just asked what you were going to do. Stop being so touchy all the time.

We understand that you’re hurt that we broke up with you seven years ago and went out with another party for a while. We get it. It made you feel bad. But you’ve got us back now. Can’t you just let it go?

It seems like we can’t have a sensible conversation about anything any more. There’s quite a few of us who have been freaked out by the bushfires. Especially those who live in New South Wales. We’re wondering if it’s going to get worse in the future because of climate change. Now, before you start hyperventilating and yelling at us, just listen, okay? We’re not saying your idea to scrap the carbon tax and replace it with planting some trees isn’t a great idea. We’re not saying that, okay? You’re an awesome government and you love us heaps, we know.

greg-huntBut could you maybe not let Greg Hunt use Wikipedia to make decisions about our future? We were thinking he could ask some of the people working in the Department of the Environment to help him. If he won’t ask his department because they used to work for the ALP, then that’s just being silly. Maybe Greg should think about going to see a counsellor.

We’re also starting to feel like you’re taking us for granted. The blush of new love is supposed to last a few months at least. We started going out with you and then boom! Straight away we find out you’ve been nicking off with our credit card to go to weddings. You didn’t even invite us to come along with you! That hurt. And we’re sorry, but we don’t care that the ALP did the same thing: we’re not going out with the ALP any more, we’re going out with you. You could at least act as if we exist.

If you can’t treat us with the love and respect we deserve, then we really don’t see how this can turn into a long term thing.

We know that most relationship arguments are over money and we’re sorry to sound like a cliché, but every time we ask what you’re going to do about our budget, you bang on about how crap the ALP was with our money. We’ve heard that already. That’s how you got us to go out with you in the first place.

Joe Hockey told us that the ALP was awful for putting our credit card limit up to $300 billion. Now he’s putting it up to $500 billion. How does that help? Has he got a wedding to go to? And if you answer by saying he has to do it because we went out with the ALP, then we are going to make you sleep on the couch.

Oh, and another thing. It’s embarrassing when you run around behind our backs and call our ex a “whacko” to our friends overseas. Not only is it embarrassing for the US to have to sit there and listen to your sour grapes, it’s insulting to us. It’s like saying we’ve got terrible taste in partners and we don’t know what’s good for us. If we’re so bad at picking decent companions, what’s to say we haven’t made the same mistake again? Maybe you’re just as bad as the ALP. Maybe we should be going out with Clive Palmer’s party instead. How do you like them apples, huh?

And while we’re at it, what kind of partner are you, anyway? The rest of the world is up in arms that the US has been spying on them and you haven’t stood up for us at all! Don’t you care that the US could have been getting off by perving on us in the nicky-noo-na, or listening to our phone calls and reading our emails?

julia-phone

If we find out that you haven’t complained to the US and instead asked them for copies of Julia Gillard’s phone calls because you want to find out what she said about you, we will be very, very angry. Seriously. Get a grip.

Look. We haven’t been together for very long, but things should have got off to a better start. You promised us this glowing future full of ladies having months off to look after their babies, electricity bills worth less than a dollar and a heaps cheap Aldi version of the NBN.

You never talk to us about those things any more. You just keep talking about our ex. In fact, the way you bang on about them, it sounds like you’re more obsessed with them than you are with us. Why don’t you go out with the ALP if you love them so much?

If we find out this relationship wasn’t built on respect, there’s going to be hell to pay. You should think long and hard before calling a double dissolution on the carbon tax, because we can’t guarantee that we’ll simply fall back into your arms again.

We don’t want to fight. Honest. We just need to know that we mean something to you. At the end of the day, we’re just a country, standing in front of its government, asking it to love us.

Love,
Australians

 

MORE ARTICLES BY CORINNE GRANT

Cyclists Scare the Crap Out of Me

Wedding, Parties, Anything

Expenses, Expenses, Expenses

Do I Laugh or Cry?

Mirabella is Not a Virtuous Victim

 

 src=*Corinne Grant is a stand-up comedian, MC, presenter, writer and broadcaster and has performed both nationally and internationally. In addition to her years on Rove Live and The Glasshouse, she has appeared on everything from Spicks and Specks to Dancing With The Stars to Good News Week. She has co-hosted successful national radio shows, performed countless solo live shows and appeared everywhere from the Sydney Opera House to the Kalgoorlie Arts Centre. Corinne’s first book, Lessons In Letting Go: Confessions of a Hoarder (Allen and Unwin) was released in September 2010 and went into reprint just months after its release. You can follow her on Twitter @corinne_grant.

 

 

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