IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE…
One minute I was happily married, the next I wasn’t.
I’d been slightly suspicious about some after-work events my husband had been going to so I peeked through his email one Friday evening after catching up on some ABC crime-drama on his laptop while tucked up in bed.
My husband was in the kitchen cleaning up after making us a fabulous Friday night dinner, a long-standing ritual we both loved.
We’d pick a recipe in the morning, I’d gather ingredients through the day and he’d come home, open a bottle of wine and cook. It was the best way to start a weekend.
I didn’t expect to find anything on his email, to be honest, because I truly believed we were a committed couple. With a child we both adored.
I looked in the trash folder anyway (he wouldn’t be stupid enough to leave anything in his inbox) and opened up the first email I came across with a woman’s name I didn’t recognise.
I read the personal message and told myself it must be a joke. I scrolled down.
This was no joke. Words of how they couldn’t wait to see and kiss each other hit my heart so hard I could barely breathe.
My husband was in the kitchen and I took the laptop to him. When he saw what I had, his face turned stoney. I was expecting pleas of forgiveness, protestations of love for me, declarations of his stupidity.
What I got was a “Well?”
We talked and I cried through the night. She wasn’t really the problem. I was.
What I hadn’t realised was, for years, I’d been projecting a low-level negativity towards him and I’d worn him down. While he still loved me, he told me there were times when he resented me deeply.
He used to adore me. I still remember when he did. I truly didn’t know that had changed. That’s how complacent I was. His feelings for me had slowly eroded over some years. My love for him burned as brightly as the day we were married. My mistake was not letting him know that.
He’d decided to make a bold career move a while ago and while I was initially supportive, my fears for our financial future started to eat away at me. (Unnecessarily, as it happens.) Instead of backing him up when he started on what should have been a new and exciting venture, I let my worries and fears be known. All too loudly. All too negatively. All too regularly.
I’d become my worst fear. I’d become my mother.
She hadn’t parented me particularly well, something I was keenly aware of so I managed to do almost the exact opposite when raising our child. But the attitude she had towards my father, it turns out, I’d soaked up like litmus paper, however unknowingly.
No-one was more surprised than me how much she hurt when he died. How she wrapped her arms around his clothes in the wardrobe and breathed him in. She hadn’t acted like that when he was alive.
My husband and I are having marriage counselling now and all I can do is hope. And how I hope. There’s the very real chance, though, of it all being too late for him.
| Page 1 of 2 | next >> |
28 Responses to this article
-
JC July 25, 2012
Dear Anon, don’t be too quick to take so much of the blame. I had the experience of low level negativity from my wife of 30 years, especially the last 7 or so, before we split. I certainly would have preferred an occasional compliment but I also recognised that her work meant a lot to her and that family life had been a bit constraining, and that menopause wasn’t easy. I decided though to live with a reasonable companiable relationship and not to think about other possibilities. The shock result was that she decided there needed to be more passion (with someone else). I occasionally resent ‘wasting’ my forbearance but in my rational moments I see that I should have called her on some of the behaviours to bring on a serious discussion. My point being neither silent acceptance nor affairs are great responses to habitual, and often unconscious negativity.
-
Rhoda July 25, 2012
I hear your pain. I’m sorry. i hope it works out for you. (hugs))
I have no words of wisdom but can I say that my mother was/is an extremely negative person and it drove
my father into the arms of another woman also – for only a brief time though. He never left us and for him it was just a quick escape. He would never have walked out on his family. I often wondered how he bore it all for so long and never judged him.My mother has been a widow for a very long time now but lives independently. She is still capable of driving us all round the bend with her negativity but I don’t respond – ever. I don’t have to live with her so it’s easy. I love her very much but it’s hard to get close to someone who puts road blocks in your path at every opportunity..
I’m sure it’s has something to do with low self-esteem in her case.. So I don’t judge her either. I just consciously make detours around her world view. There is no way I will ever become my mother’s daughter. My father’s very brief affair was my wake-up call.
Negativity gets you down when it’s on a daily basis. I try to stay happy and avoid it at all costs. It’s very much worth fighting against. Being happy in your day to day life is important – not only for yourself but for those around you.
-
Carz July 25, 2012
I have been where you are now, and I found out much the same way you did. Please don’t put so much of the blame on yourself. Regardless of how negative you have been about things, the truth is that your husband is the one who ultimately made the decision to cheat, not you. He also chose not to talk to you about his ‘resentment’ before it became a major issue.
I hope things work out in a way that makes you happy. I wonder if maybe some individual counselling for you might not also be helpful. Sometimes couple’s counselling can lead to problems that are really the result of one person’s behaviour being seen as mutual. Individual counselling might help to make sure that isn’t happening.
-
Kerrie July 25, 2012
Geez Lady Jewels Diva – take it easy! Obviously this woman’s story has triggered your stuff but I hardly see the point of calling her a “complete and utter bitch”. Try some compassion.
-
TMT July 25, 2012
Stop blaming your mother, stop blaming yourself, these things happen, even in those hinted at perfect, ideal generational families. People grow apart, meet other people, relationships break up. And please don’t moralise to me about the things that matter and warn me about the possible consequences of my behaviour. And get your child out of that ‘pastoral care’ class. There is no pastoral care in having children identify themselves through a simple dichotomy of divorced or not parents. There are many different and successful families out there that don’t follow that formula and a pastoral care counsellor should know and appreciate that, as should you.
-
Michelle July 25, 2012
Dear Ed, I find Lady Jewels Diva’s comments abusive and nasty, imho they should be removed.
-
Carz July 25, 2012
Ditto what Michelle said.
-
-
Alice Shaw July 25, 2012
Oh Anon, your pain is palpable through your writing and I hope that whatever happens, you can move on and find a happy place again. I am saddened to read how much of the blame you shoulder – your husband seems to have been having a fully fledged affair and that in itself is dishonest and mean. I fear that you may have been taking the blame a lot throughout your marriage and this man you love so dearly, has been allowing you to do so.. I sincerely hope that you find happiness again, sorry for your pain.
-
shelley July 25, 2012
A great article, brave and reflective and honest. Does not matter if you do not agree, Anon was living it and dealing with her realisations. In hindsight both probably would have done differently and so would any of us in the same position. Emotional intimacy is the heart and core of a marriage. Exposing your heart, your feelings and hurts and being open to discussion and response and so on. Anon I hope you can work it out and if you cannot I hope there is a legacy in there for you. x
-
Matt July 25, 2012
I feel your pain. I too have been on your side of the fence in a marriage breakdown. I’ve since remarried (happily) but to this day divorce was the single toughest thing I’ve ever been through.
I’m not going to comment on the why it happened part. You have an opinion and you may or may not be right. Some soul searching and counselling may provide that answer however I do admire the straightforward way in which you are both dealing with it. I hope you are both honest enough to get to the bottom of your relationship with each other and find those answers you seek.
My wife at the time simply denied everything, even after mountains of evidence to the contrary. It got to the point of ridiculous (after we separated she was living with the guy but of course they were just friends) so I was the one who had to initiate divorce proceedings as she attempted to make out that it was all my doing. The whole scenario sent me into a nervous breakdown at age 30.
So again, I hope the two of you can remain honest with each other whether they means honestly wanting to work through it or honestly not. It is by far the kinder thing to do. -
Rhoda July 25, 2012
Well said Shelley. Easy from our perspective to make a judgement. Much harder to take a look at where you’re at when you’re living it.
-
Hester Prynne July 25, 2012
You want your husband back? I am sorry. But he is no longer exclusively yours.
I will draw the trolls for this but frankly that is their problem. I am going to speak on behalf of all the “other women”. The silent people in this heart break that is going around. And don’t doubt for a moment that her heart is breaking now that you have decided you want your husband back.
Background on myself: I too am married. To cut to the chase, husband is a egotistical sadist who delights in emotionally abusing me. Why am I staying? Children. As much as I’d love to walk out on him, we have little people together and it was over the years that I found out about his demented behaviour. And I hear all of you saying well just leave him. And go where? How will I feed my kids? And lets not get into paying their school fees and their activities. So I am staying.
A few months ago, I met a wonderful man. It started out as an occasional coffee but it grew into something else very quickly. Like you, his wife projects her negativity on him. He was responsible for everything wrong in her life. She’d call him names and emotional abuse him. He was me in reverse. And yet he persevered for the children.
What we had was beautiful. For stolen moments we’d be together. Physically (both his wife and my husband decided 3 years previously that they no longer wanted to have sex with us) and emotionally. We’d cuddle. We’d kiss. We’d laugh. And we’d make sweet love. And for a few measly hours, we would smile. This would be our steel as we re-entered the breech and battled on with our lives. He was my solace and my joy. And for a while, I felt joy. I felt love. I felt desired an beautiful.
Then his wife found out. Much like you did. And all hell broke loose. And the man she often called f*ckwit was suddenly desirable to her. She could not live without him. She wanted him all to herself.
With all due respect, he decided he needed to attempt to repair his marriage. With youg children, I understand his dilemma.
But my heart is broken. I miss him. I adored him. I want him back.
YOU who did not appreciate the gold you had do not deserve him. He is no longer your alone. He was mine. And while you garner sympathy, remember that there is also another woman out there whose heart is breaking.
-
Linda July 25, 2012
I just want to give you a hug. This is not your fault so please stop beating your self up. There are 2 people in your marriage and your partner needs to take some responsibility for not communicating his needs, and no having an affair with someone else is not how to address relationship issues.
His response to your discovery is disappointing at best and I really hope he is taking some responsibility for his actions. Get some professional help, not just for the relationship side of things but also for you as an individual. Whatever happens in the future you will be stronger and wiser. -
Louisa July 25, 2012
Anon, you have shown tremendous insight into what has gone wrong. My mother, I believe, has a narcisitic personality disorder which I as the only girl in a family of six bore the brunt of. I still do. Like you I was able to build a beautiful life with my children and learn not to trigger her nastiness. I hope that you get another chance to have a better relationship with your husband and have lots more loving rituals. All the best
-
The Huntress July 25, 2012
I find it difficult to take a stand on this issue. As a person who is on your husbands side of the fence I find it difficult to completely empathise.
Can you imagine the sorrow, pain and isolation of never being good enough for the one you love and have devoted your life to? To try and try again and try some more to only met by brick walls leads to a person giving up after repeated failure. Reaching out emotionally after so much rejection becomes difficult and pointless.
I don’t feel you are solely to blame, but I do believe that you should bear some responsibility to repair your marriage, if that is what you so desire. I do believe that marriages can survive affairs, if it is solid enough in the first place. All the best and remember life is complicated, messy and awkward. I hope that you and your husband can make it through these tough times and build what ought to be a stronger, more loving relationship.
-
My Name Means Truth July 25, 2012
With all due respect, his reaction when his wife confronted him about the affair is quite worrying! In fact, it surprised me so much I had to read it again. I wouldn’t be surprised if the affair is still going on. Sad but most likely true!
-
cornishmaid July 25, 2012
I see a man having his cake and eating it and a woman reverting to default reaction – she wasn’t the problem I was! It always takes two to tango but I cannot believe the arrogance of a man who, when caught betraying his partner in the most fundamental manner responds with a “well”. I don’t think he’s as undermined as he says – and I don’t think he’ll leave – why should he it was all her fault and she’ll spend years of emotional energy trying to make it up to him!
Why do we still believe it is all our fault – it’s not – “it’s not me – it’s you!” -
KathyA July 25, 2012
Dear Anon, I wish you all the best for the times you are about to go through. Have been in a similar situation & the pain was excruciating. We are still together but not without a lot of work on both sides, individual counselling was the key. I had been a stay at home wife for many years & had totally lost myself. Until I faced many hard truths I thought if I just did the right thing, loved him enough he would come back to me. Fact was I had to love myself more & find me again before anything else could happen. All the best, whichever way it goes.
-
Lizabelle July 25, 2012
Anon, good luck, and I’m glad for you that you’ve discovered what was happening now, rather than a while down the track when it’s certainly too late.
As someone who just left my partner for reasons similar to your husband’s issues (although I certainly have not had an affair), I sympathise with him to some extent. It is very hard to never feel good enough or appreciated. It’s hard to keep trying to put things right, and to build bridges when the other person doesn’t seem to understand that anything is wrong. It can be soul-destroying.
That said, he seems to have huge issues with passive-aggressivism, so it’s not altogether surprising that you weren’t picking up on his signals (unless he was making open attempts to change things, which isn’t clear from this article). It isn’t just your behaviour which would need to change if things are to improve, as I’m sure you’re aware.
Good luck, and I hope things work out as well as they can for all of you.
-
Anne July 28, 2012
Good on you for writing this article, particularly considering your situation is so stressful at the moment. I hope things turn out well for you. Thank you for the reminder to affirm our loved ones. I don’t do it often enough I’m sure.
I wonder if you can see the funny side of any part of your situation? I’m not trying to belittle your difficulties, but humour is a wonderful gift in my marriage. It can completely change a negative attitude in me. Eg. Last night I asked my husband ‘how am I going to solve my hang ups?’ He replied, ‘If you wait a few more years you won’t have to.’ (I am in my 60s.) We laughed and laughed and I felt better (more hopeful) immediately, although nothing appeared to have changed except my attitude. -
amd July 30, 2012
What rot, the husband in this scenario had every opportunity to talk to anon, to let her know there was a problem,to ask for marriage counselling before he betrayed his wife, to leave. He had lots of options, instead he chose to have sex with someone else and lie to a person who totally trusted him. His choice. Nobody made him do anything. When found out he didn’t even have the decency to apologise. And now, of course, he knows that he can behave as badly as he pleases, blame his wife, and she will accept that blame. Sounds like anon does need counselling, for self worth issues though, not marriage counselling.
-
Sarah July 31, 2012
Your husband was out of line for having an affair and breaking his vows to you.
However, I don’t agree with those who have commented that he should of just told you. My previous partner was prone to moodiness and broaching the topic was met with more moodiness. I felt like I was walking around on eggshells just so I wouldn’t set him off into a mood. That’s not a pleasant way to live and it inevitably shut down communication completely and ended the relationship.
If that’s how your husband felt in response to your moodiness, it still doesn’t excuse the reason for him having an affair. But it does explain how his affair became a wake-up call for you both. I commend you for having the ability to be open and forgiving to your issues and his infidelity. My best wishes for your family’s healing.
Thank you for sharing your story!
