“I CHOSE BETWEEN LIVING & BEING RAPED”
Almost 18 years ago, I was attacked and raped on the way home from work.
It’s a memory that lives within me constantly, even many years later. And during weeks like this it seems just yesterday.
I could tell you what time of day it was, what I was wearing, why I was alone and the precautions I didn’t take.
I could tell you all that because almost everyone who knew of the attack – friends, family, the police, my workplace – all asked those questions. Indeed, sometimes I felt obligated to explain that I was wearing a navy business suit; that I was rushing to pick up my kids from after-school care. That I was a responsible mother; a business woman. Not a tart. Not asking for it.
And confess, now you have read that I was sober and dressed conservatively, you respect me just a little bit more.
But I am sure you have theories and advice. I have heard it all.
Apparently I should have read The North Shore Times more carefully, because one local friend told me that “everyone knew that was a dangerous railway station”. I must have been away the day the warning went out …
I didn’t know the man, but clearly he felt it was partly my fault because I looked like his ex-wife – as did his 10 other victims. I knew I should not have had blonde, shoulder-length hair.
Of course, I could have gouged him with the keys in my hand (another useful tip I was told about later), but strangely the machete he held at my throat made that hard.
Or perhaps it was the fact that he bound my hands and gagged my mouth.
I promise that I didn’t lead him on. I screamed, but no one heard. I did what some people have been suggesting that women should do and kicked him in the balls, but at 160cm (and he was about 175cm), I didn’t have a good reach.
And that was when he put the machete at my throat and I had to choose between living and being raped. For a few years afterwards I was not sure I made the right choice.
But now I know – IT WASN’T MY FAULT. All women should be able to walk down a street early or late at night, drunk or sober, wearing whatever they feel like and not be attacked.
I was not to blame. And neither is Jill Meagher.
If this story brings up difficult issues for you, call the Rape Crisis Centre on 1800 424017 or Lifeline on 13 11 14.
An estimated 30,000 people marched three kilometres along Sydney Road in Melbourne at the weekend to honour the memory of Jill Meagher.
Carrying signs and leaving floral tributes, many spoke of a resolve to ensure fear would not triumph and that an incident like Jill’s devastating murder would not happen again.
Photograph via The Herald Sun.
An unknown graffiti artist leaves a tribute to Jill Meagher on a laneway wall. Image via The Herald Sun.
39 Responses to this article
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Louisa October 1, 2012
Thank you for sharing this. I will show this to my daughter because sometimes the written word is simply more powerful.
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pru-dence October 1, 2012
I know that in times of great trauma, people “are just trying to help”..but I cant believe that ANYONE would question you, or give you advice on what you SHOULD have done.
I am terribly sorry for such a hideous act to have happened to you..and you did NOTHING WRONG. He did.
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bikerbetty October 2, 2012
Oh, but Prudence, they do.
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Kate October 1, 2012
You made the right choice! You cannot doubt that. For your children you made the right choice. You did not deserve what you got. You would not have deserved it even if you were dressed like a tart. Of those who question you, it is just their way of trying to make some sense of the senseles – they obviously don’t realise how insensitive and unempathetic it is. You are an inspiration and I, too, will be printing this for my daughter. She is only 2 but your words are so strong that they will be relevant when she is an adult. Wishing you a happy future.
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Vanessa October 1, 2012
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I can only imagine how terrible your experience was.
As for the attitude of other people – what were you meant to do, avoid an entire railway station because ‘bad men’ might be lurking?
I think people try to blame the victim because it makes them feel better if she was somehow ‘responsible’. In their minds if the victim is somehow to blame, it means that the same thing couldn’t happen to them.
It’s twisted logic, but I’ve experienced it when people talk about my violent ex-husband: ‘why did you marry him?’ ‘Surely you knew.’ ‘Why didn’t you leave?’
Your story just highlights how ridiculous the ‘blame the victim’ approach can be. I’m sorry this happened to you. I’m so glad you survived to live your life, love your family and tell your story.
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bigwords October 1, 2012
Thank you for being so brave and sharing your story. and reliving it. I can’t begin to imagine how horrifying that was for you. Much love to you xx
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Candida October 1, 2012
Thank you for sharing your brave story – it was very moving.
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Anne October 1, 2012
Thank you so much for being so brave as to sharing your story. I’m so sorry you not only had to go through this horrific ordeal but then to have to justify why it happened. I am very grateful to you for being so open. I hope the mainstream media pick this up to educate those who think they know what they would do in this situation.
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Buttercup October 1, 2012
Thankyou for sharing your story. It must’ve been very frightening.
As a women in her 50s who has always tried to live bravely I’ve had many instances when walking alone I have felt vulnerable. Times where I have felt under threat from strangers who have made sexist comments. We should not put up with this. It does not matter what women wear, the time or where we are these attacks should not happen. -
Cheryl October 1, 2012
THank You for having the courage to speak out in such a frank & realistic manner This can only aid & sterengthen others unable to do the same,but who can relate, Those who are often silently suffering .& also struggle to rid the horrendous memory. Warm wishes
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Rosalie October 1, 2012
Dear Writer, thank you for telling us your story. Please know that most of us do not judge you, blame your or consider that you were in any way at fault or in the wrong. We salute you as a brave survivor of a horrible attack. Best wishes to you
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Janet Meisel October 1, 2012
The daily courageous revelations from women who have suffered from all forms of male violence are only indicators of the tip of the iceberg, one against which any civilised society must founder. Scratch the surface in any gathering of women, across a spectrum of ages and cultures, and you find ‘secrets’ too shameful to voice and too painful too forget.
I was fortunate to escape an armed serial rapist when I was in my early 20′s. I was in the sanctity of my home, dressed in jeans and jumper, no make up, at 2 o’clock in the afternoon. I had my two very young children in the house with me. I don’t think that was provocative.
The real tragedy is that survivors of male violence should be able to live a life of celebration and honour but this is rarely the case. The crime lives on in large and subtle ways; fear, shame, embarrassment, sadness, guilt, loss and so much more.
It will take men, and changes to male thinking, to fix this almost unfixable problem; men in all fields – law, advertising, religion, politics.. And recognition of the heroic men who voiced their disgust at senseless violence against women, and men, everywhere. -
Ella October 1, 2012
I’m so sorry about what happened to you. Not only the rape but the judgement you had to endure afterwards. Please do not blame yourself and take pride in being a strong survivor.
When is our society going to understand that no one ever “asks for it” and stop blaming the victim?
Violence and the stupid saying “boys will be boys” needs to stop and no longer be tolerated.
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The Huntress October 1, 2012
I am so sorry you have had such a terrible, traumatic experience – rape and the horrible judgement that comes with it.
You are a strong brave woman, thank you for sharing your story. You were never to blame and it certainly was not your fault. Women absolutely have the right to be able to walk safely in all areas of public, in any attire we choose, in any state of intoxication.
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UrbanGrace October 1, 2012
I’m so sorry this happened to you
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Lilly October 1, 2012
Bravo to you. Thank you for sharing and you most definitely were not to blame. It must have been incredibly traumatic.
Having someone very close to me who has also gone through this in the last 6 months has been an eye opener. I have to say VicPolice has been outstanding in how they dealt with the matter. I have also been very impressed with their ongoing support.
However, what has also been an eye opener is the way others have dealt with the incident and how they have treated the victim. Many seem to have an opinion on what she could or should have done differently. It has been quite upsetting how strongly some people have reacted.
I heard a psychologist speaking in the last week who said that there is a strong pattern of victim blaming no matter what the incident. We grow up thinking Cinderella tells us good things happen to good people, bad things happen to bad people. So when something bad happens to somebody we assume is a good person, we tend to think they must have done something wrong. It tends to make people feel better about themselves and think that this couldn’t have happened to them because they wouldn’t have put themselves in that sort of situation.
And, as we know, that is completely wrong. I think that is why the Jill Meagher situation caused so much collective angst and high emotion. We saw through the CCTV footage that it could have in fact been anyone of us in that situation. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time, nothing more. An innocent victim who was cornered by a criminal and who did not deserve what happened to her. End of story.
However, what I was also surprised about in that case was the number of women who came forward on public forums sharing their stories about being victims of assault. YET when asked many of them had not even reported the matter to the police. We need more women to talk about this issue and to feel safe in reporting the matter. We need these perpetrators off the streets and be made accountable for their actions. We can only do that if women are brave enough to come forward and tell their stories.
Thank you again for sharing your story. You are important and so is your story.
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Ro. Watson October 1, 2012
Yes~ there may be a decison at the time of rape to live by submitting~ living after well after such a ghastly,dehumanising experience~ is another matter. Frankly~ I have been shocked/hurt/dehumanised again and rejected as less, diminished~when I started talking/wailing/processing some rapes which happened to me.
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Ro. Watson October 1, 2012
Anyway~ good to see thousands taking to Sydney Road about Jill~ and peace, and reclaiming public/private space~ I hope the Hoopla follows up on possibly prejudicial comments on Facebook which might sabotage any trial. I have been thinking about notions of crimes of rape and murder , and how once things get to court,the press( and perhaps social media) need to contain themselves and talk about “alleged”,at least in relation to the accused….(see Robert’s comment’s last week) .There is responsibility on the press and social media to respect the rule of law~ and something of a cruel irony that if charges are laid early,commentary must become far more constrained. I personally would like to see commentary between different states tracked~ as murder and rape are state based crimes. I wonder if eg the ABC in Victoria is now reporting differently from eg W.A?
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Joan Woolley October 1, 2012
Rape is the ultimate insult to a woman,also to all those small boys raped by supposed christian clergy, why can’t men of maturity??? think about what they are doing to a fellow human being.
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Ro. Watson October 1, 2012
Thinking about how” Blue Murder” series was aired in W.A but not N.S.W ~ also “Underbelly” series here in W.A on the telly, but not in Victoria? How can this space be regulated well~ as we learn from other places but do not want to see bad guys get away with murder/rape(and other state based crimes) when they face trial? I think this may require federal intervention~ but what and how as we also want to protect freedom of speech(including warning other women/people of danger and requirements for protection) and the rule of law~ as in a fair tial?
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Ro. Watson October 1, 2012
Thinking about how” Blue Murder” series was aired in W.A but not N.S.W ~ also “Underbelly” series here in W.A on the telly, but not in Victoria? How can this space be regulated well~ as we learn from other places but do not want to see bad guys get away with murder/rape(and other state based crimes) when they face trial? I think this may require federal intervention~ but what and how as we also want to protect freedom of speech(including warning other women/people of danger and requirements for protection) and the rule of law~ as in a fair trial?
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Ro. Watson October 1, 2012
Anyway~ I suppose on balance most of this material is not secret, and potential jurors can be challenged for bias~ or no reason at all.. If there is not a jury trial, I suppose we have to rely on the integrity of our judiciary….to maintain the rule of law….
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Jayne October 1, 2012
As someone who was raped at home for years as teenager and has survived, who waited and went to court, went to the counseling /the physiologist and all the other doctors I was sent to. I did learn that it was not MY VAULTED I did nothing wrong. I was just very very scared. It will never go away it is always there and it is very hard now as I have a teenage daughter who a 15yrs wants to do her own thing. We have to trust ourselves and hope that things will get better and to let our kids be themselves. We survivors have to speak out and help others NOT HIDE IN SHAME. I am still living (now 40yrs) and I am NOT going to give up. The past is not forgotten it is just the past and I have a future.
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Ro. Watson October 1, 2012
Oh and by the way I think it is good the media for all its faults and fluency and cul de sacs~ gives out help lines after scorching articles on horrific subjects which bring up trauma~ to suggest there is help out there like~Lifeline, Rape Crisis centres(I did that on a voluntary basis before it became professionalised) and Centres Against Sexual Assault or Sexual Assault Resource Centres~ as well as Beyond Blue , and Alcohol and Drug services etc.. Otherwise known as taking some social responsibility for what you print~ as it impacts on others…profoundly pesonally, and also socially….
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Ro.Watson October 1, 2012
Midnight Blue~what to say?Comments and article here here did not suggest blame though some of us can hear overlapping /sub-titled commentary to that affect/and or effect..from what has gone before which is not personalised~ just malignant noise from a culture that has not come to terms with how it has hurt women. Not here. Peace be with you as you sort.xx.
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Ro. Watson October 1, 2012
Onya Jayne for sticking up for you~ and in that court process other women. I had insufficient evidence for a trial~ I had a go at crimininal injuries compensation~ because I eventually reported the offences to the police(W.A)~ I could not handle the anxiety and repetitive stress of reminders of what happened to me~ and neither could most people around me.Peace be with all of you out there~ I would like to say this gets better~ pretty sure it does if you are lucky with good people around you~in your personal life~ otherwise, and anyway~ get help, and keep trying~ as a friend said some (professional) people are” a one horse pony”~ keep going until you get professional rapport eg your g.p through to limited psychological/psychiatric services on medicare..
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Ro. Watson October 1, 2012
Whoops~ actual quote was “a one trick pony”~ if whoever is not helping~and you need help, find someone else,and others too eg Lifeline is not always available…make a list of who you can call who are safe,trustworthy,available or get someone to help you make this list….
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Ro. Watson October 1, 2012
And yes Joan~ what has been done to children in this country by adults~ horrific for those who went through this now but long silent abuse~a position of trust~exploited~ and it took so many years for those subjected to such abuse, their friends and family supporters to get some kind of resolve…..in W.A ,and elsewhere… and when I say “resolve”~ a bit like a can of sardines which has been left out in the sun too long..Meanwhile, peace be with you and yours~ hard ,together strong.xx
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Jacqui Manning - The Friendly Psychologist October 1, 2012
Thank you so much for sharing your brave story. I wrote a blog on the problem with men in our culture and the way they (don’t) deal with their emotions, that your attacker was targetting women who looked like his ex makes me even more convinced that if we intervened early with men, addressing their anger and toxic emotions that we might just save one of you or one Jill Meagher.
http://www.jacquimanning.com.au/blog/2012/09/28/Jill-Meagher-and-the-problem-with-our-men-.aspx
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Trish Dowie October 1, 2012
I admire the lady who wrote the story above. People say, “I know what you are going thru.” How can we when know if we have never suffered such a heinous, degrading, cruel and barbaric attack.
I wish more woman/girls would step forward and bring to light any situation like this that has happened to them. The general public need to be made aware that such attacks are completely not acceptable and must be stopped.
These attacks on females scare them for life. -
Jenny October 1, 2012
Rape is a crime committed against women who possibly appear to the male as vulnerable ie available for their use. Not big and strong enough to defend themselves from attack. It doesn’t matter what the woman is wearing, how short her skirt or how high her heels. Those people who make judgments about “asking for it” are way off the mark. Rape is about opportunism, degradation and power, and the more “respectable” a woman appears to be, the more suitable a target she will appear. It’s about “bringing her down a peg or two”.
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Kerry October 1, 2012
There should be no discussion on whether women do or do not deserve to be raped because of what they are wearing or drinking there should be lots of dicussion on the value of women in society by men and women and men by women ect .
Do men deserve to be raped because they are boys or even drunken older men ?
does anyone deserve to have any violence committed to/on them
rose coloured glasses maybe
the scarey thing is that in all walks of life there are these “men” who do these crimes against people, and we as vunerable people (because we aren’t perpurtraters) have to be aware . I can’t imagine the pain or suffering rape victims must go through I hope they get the support they require from who they feel is best to give it . -
Ro. form~ October 1, 2012
I concur~ the rapist does his or their best to degrade~ by humiliating and bringing down~ and weirdly~after that~ often some other people are affronted and unable to dignify the survivor with her humanity~ be empathic…well what I say is that lack of empathy is catching and dangerous so watch out if you start moving to avoidance when hearing and/or seeing someone else’s narrative before your senses/in your nights and days…in real life,who you know~who has been a victim of violence~or a possible perpetrator~ I cannot watch this stuff on screen or telly anymore….
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Rhoda October 2, 2012
You know something like this nearly happened to me. Was living in Sydney at Mosman and caught the ferry across the harbour to work. It was always late afternoon with the sun almost gone when I got off the ferry. Had to walk a k or so up the hill. One day I spotted a bloke coming down the opposite side of the road and he started to cross the road towards me at an angle. I immediately sensed danger and made a beeline across the road to a house with a gate and large shrubs along the front. Walked in, shut the gate and stood behind the hedge watching him. He’d stopped by then and was looking but didn’t follow. Would have yelled blue murder if he had. I gave it till he was well out of sight before I slipped out the gate and hurried home.
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JennyK October 2, 2012
Let’s have some logic here. We all know we have the right to walk where and when we like, just as we have the right to sleep in unsecured houses and let our children play in the park unsupervised. We are free to exercise those rights. But there are risks involved in exercising these rights and some of us decide to minimise the risks by locking our doors at night, supervising our children in public and making sure we don’t leave ourselves vulnerable by walking alone at night.It is not unreasonable to give advice about mitigating risks – that is called helping, not blaming the victim.
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Sharon Leatham October 2, 2012
You chose wisely and what you chose, was to survive.
We live in a society that is constantly telling women how not to get raped, instead of telling men NOT to rape.
We need harsher sentencing and truth in sentencing in this all too leniant country of ours. -
Caroline October 2, 2012
What a terrible thing to have happen to you. It must have been truly horrible and I think you are so brave to have survived, and to have continued surviving.
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Melissa October 25, 2012
Jenny K,
Sre you for real? Suggesting women should not make themselves ” vulnerable” by walking alone at night? .. smacks of a patronising attitude to me. Ofcourse, we should should enlist a chaperone if we find ourselves alone at night in a public place ( and come on, which active, mobile woman hasn’t) . As said earlier, too much emphasis on what woman should do to avoid ” tempting” the rapist, not enough emphasis on making it absolutely clear that violece against another human being is never OK. By the way, most rapes are apparenty committed by people known to the rapist, so much for locking your doors etc.
